


The Purity Club

by Changdeol



Category: EXO (Band), Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Angst and Humor, British Slang, Dirty Jokes, F/F, M/M, Religion, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-27
Updated: 2018-02-20
Packaged: 2018-10-11 15:43:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 90,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10468458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Changdeol/pseuds/Changdeol
Summary: Joohyun Bae is the president of their school's Christian Union. Seungwan Son just wants to wreck her so bad.





	1. There's something about Joohyun

_Dear Lord, you know that I never ask you for anything. I am always Your faithful servant; I always have patience with the sinners, no matter how little respect they show You with their words and actions. You saw what that Emily Brown did just now – I had to harshly reprimand her promiscuousness, you know that I had no choice. Her V neck was way too exposing. Sometimes shaming the sinner is the only way of reminding them of You._

_I want You to know that I am working on becoming even better, but I don’t want to forget those that are still lost. Please, guide my parents and Junmyeon well, and make Sehun finally see the light. You’re taking an awful lot with the last one- not that I’m complaining, I am certain that you have a greater plan for him. I just wish that you could hurry up a little bit, but if having a sinner for a brother is your way of testing me, I will receive it with grace._

_Oh, and about Seungwan Son. As a good Christian, I wish for everyone to be saved, of course, but if it is your will that she burn in hell, then who am I to argue?_

 

Joohyun looks up from her dish, opening her eyes. To her misfortune, she almost immediately locks gazes with Seungwan Son, seated across the canteen. The other girl winks and Joohyun barely refrains from wincing in displeasure. She instead looks to her own company – her twin Junmyeon, who is still deep in his own religious contemplation; her roommate and Junmyeon’s girlfriend, Seulgi, blinking rapidly into her plate; and her younger brother Sehun, whom she had a hard time persuading to eat lunch with them as a family. _I have convinced you in the name of God_ , she corrects him every time the younger points out the emotional blackmail.

 

 

_Dear God, I need to beat Jongdae Kim’s score in this upcoming Math test. I haven’t had enough time to study, because the service that I do in Your name is quite time consuming, I’m certain that you understand. Nevertheless, I believe that I deserve a better mark this time around. Please, make Mrs Rowley come up with an easier spreadsheet._

_Also, do you think that I should split up with Seulgi? I have already asked her to wear longer skirts and behave less provocatively, and she did, because she’s also Your loyal servant. But no matter what she does, I still feel this unhealthy pull towards her and I don’t know what to do. I must withstand this temptation, but it’s very hard. Send me a sign, please. I’m lost._

_Oh, and please make Sehun see the light. I’m really tired of dealing with his sins. I don’t think I should be carrying such a heavy cross by myself._

When Junmyeon finally opens his eyes, he exchanges an easy, self satisfied smile with his twin sister. Both of them then turn to Sehun, who is still seated among them with an utterly bored expression on his face. Under their reprimanding gazes, he sighs and closes his eyes in prayer.

 

_Dear God, kill me. Please, just kill me._

 

 

 

 

‘Close your mouth, Seungwan, you’ll choke on some insect if you don’t.’ Chanyeol advises, his tone mocking, albeit with no real heat. He takes the last drag off his cigarette, before dropping it to the ground and stepping on it with his left Martens. He looks around, more for show than out of need, because what for, really - everyone knows that behind the gym is where all the rotten apples of Trent Collage spend their time smoking and bumming around.

As long as it doesn’t go any further than that, the teachers pretend that they aren’t aware of their students’ hangout spot, and the school board pretend that they don’t know about the suspicious exception.

‘That is, if she doesn’t drown in her own drool first. Gross.’ Sehun observes, the usual passive contempt written all over his face. He’s sitting on the pavement, aimlessly picking out the sparse weed growing in the spaces between tiles. There isn’t all that much to do during the free hour the group of friends has after lunch time.

Seungwan takes just enough time to thickly swallow the excess of saliva in her mouth, before allowing her lips to part again, this time even wider. Her eyes follow the silhouette seen in the distance; the girl goes as far as stretching her neck in attempt to have a better view, but eventually the person in question disappears through the door to the girl’s dormitory.

‘Bugger off.’ Seungwan awkwardly replies, mostly because the time to be verbally retaliating to the insult has already passed.

‘I need another fag.’ Chanyeol announces, massaging his temples. He looks annoyed. ‘Anyone?’

‘You’ve had enough.’ Seungwan looks at the boy in distaste. She’s not a big fan of tobacco. She’s tried it once or twice, sure, but the only actual smoker in their social circle is the tall drummer.

‘You’re not my bloody mother. Don’t tell me what to do.’ He scowls, but seeing her sour expression, backs out and sits down next to Sehun almost immediately anyway.

They both know that the boy’s words are only partially true. Seungwan often jokes that she’s raising a bunch of men-children; as ironic as it sounds, she indeed has more or less been their voice of reason for the past two and a half years, since she first transferred from Oakham. She honestly can’t be bothered to curate their lives on a daily basis, but she does make sure that they don’t cross lines that they cannot return from.

Seungwan leans back against the gym wall and turns her head in the direction of the dormitory once more, even though the pleasant sight has long disappeared.

‘I swear to God, Joohyun Bae wants me so bad.’ She licks her lips, nonchalantly. There is a strange, smug conviction in her gaze – one that her companions cannot really comprehend.

Sehun snickers almost inaudibly at the remark. The only indication of his current mood is the mirth dancing in his eyes.

‘My sister thinks of you as the eighth plague sent from above in order to test her and her patience. I assure you that she wants absolutely nothing to do with you.’

‘She does approach me from time to time…’ Seungwan opposes, although she’s grinning herself. They all know that Joohyun’s attention cannot be further away from what the red head girl wishes that it were.

‘Oh, yeah. To try and exorcise the Satan out of you. Now that I think about it, you’re actually on her mind a lot. She prays for you and _your kind_ almost every lunch break.’ Sehun smirks at the ridiculousness of his friend’s predicament. Seungwan merely shrugs.

‘As long as she does think of me…’ Her grin widens. They all fall silent for a moment or two, before Chanyeol raises his head, remembering something.

‘You’re all down for a rehearsal tomorrow afternoon, aren’t you? Tao said that Zhoumi agreed to let us use their garage.’

‘Sure, whatever.’ Seungwan concurs mindlessly, not really looking at the boys, her thoughts still with the pretty brunette that she’s just seen. Sehun, on the other hand, makes a face at the red head drummer.

‘No can do. The Purity Club duties call.’ He grimaces as the words leave his mouth. It’s Chanyeol’s turn to snicker.

‘Again? Blimey. I’m pretty sure that even Jesus Christ wasn’t as holy as your older siblings aspire to be. Can’t you skip just this one time? The gig in Oceana is coming up. We should really focus on that first.’

‘I wish I could. But you know the drill – I pretend I give a darn and Junmyeon doesn’t rat me out to our parents. Sorry, mate, but it just won’t happen. He’s already at his limit with _me and my derailed friends and my satanic band_ -‘ Sehun’s high pitched rendition of Junmyeon’s self righteous voice draws a hearty cackle from both Chanyeol and Seungwan, because it’s never not funny to listen to Sehun’s mimicking of his older brother. ‘Just imagine what he would do if he found out that I’m planning on playing rock music in the hub of sin, while I’m still under aged, at that. He’ll report me to my old man sooner than you guys can spell _Holy Trinity_. They’ll send me to the Christian camp again and let me tell you, that place is _not_ cool.’

‘Your brother is a bit barmy, can’t deny that, but Joohyun would help you. She doesn’t give up on sinners easily, which depending on my mood can be either endearing or maddeningly annoying.’ Seungwan picks up her bag and prompts the boys to follow her. Their next class starts in ten minutes and she doesn’t want for them to be late; even if she knows that all Chanyeol will do is stare at Baekhyun Byun, the class nerd, while Sehun will take his well deserved nap. Not.

Sehun merely shakes his head.

‘I’ll take Junmyeon’s crazy over Joohyun’s eerie kindness any time. She always looks at me with such disappointment that I end up dizzy and promising stuff that I later regret. As long as I lay low, my brother won’t be on my case. No sweat, I’ll practice on my own. I’ll be ready for the performance.’

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

‘You sure you can’t go? Feign being sick. Tell them that you’ve eaten something bad.’

‘Tell them that you’ve overdosed on chorals.’ Minseok murmurs under his breath, looking at the bible that Sehun is carrying. The group guffaws boisterously.

‘Junmyeon will come to check up on me. He’s potty like that. No, thanks. I’ll just fanny around for a bit in there, before they split up for the weekly bible duty. They usually let me off that one, since they know that I can’t preach for shit. The last time my brother dragged me with him, I, and I quote, _came across as aloof and disinterested in the subject_. How can they spread the word of God with my unenthusiastic self killing their buzz?’ Sehun mocks. ‘I’ll join you around six o’clock, I hope. Eaton Close, as usual?’

‘Yeah, Zhoumi gave us time until 8pm. His neighbours might complain later, once they’ve got off work.’

‘Good luck, then. Don’t let them brainwash you too much and remember, The Purity Club stands for everything that any healthy and mentally stable teenager should absolutely avoid. Sex is a natural and very much needed part of our small, lame existence.’

‘The Christian Union, Chanyeol Park, The Christian Union. Would you, please, stop calling our gathering The Purity Club? Believe it or not, not everyone in this school is thinking about, as you so crudely describe it, getting laid. We dedicate our time to volunteering, community service and educating those that need our help.’

Junmyeon interrupts the friendly banter, a clear displeasure on his face. His sister walks beside him, something that immediately catches Seungwan’s attention. Joohyun notices the red head girl, of course, but she clearly tries very hard to stop herself from looking at the other. Too bad that avoidance has always fed Seungwan’s cheeky confidence.

‘Looking fit, Joohyun.’ The singer remarks provocatively, which finally earns her the brunette’s attention.

As much as Seungwan Son likes to ruffle Joohyun Bae’s feathers just for the sake of it, she cannot deny the attraction that she feels towards the other girl. She has long passed the stage of regarding it as desiring what she thought was out of her reach. She finds herself genuinely infatuated with Joohyun. The other is pretty and smart – and of course, a self appointed _hypocritical_ saint, as Seungwan’s friends like to frequently remind her, but it doesn’t stop the red head girl from grinning stupidly to herself. Seungwan sees Joohyun interact with her best friend Seulgi as well as other close companions and save for her excessively righteous and condescending ways, the brunette comes across as a warm and affectionate person.

Sehun merely scoffs whenever Seungwan gets too lost in her daydreams.

Seungwan notices the internal turmoil that the other girl goes through during the second or two when their gazes lock. The martyr in her eventually wins, as Joohyun plasters an uneasy and completely dishonest smile on her lips.

‘Thank you, Seungwan. How about joining us for an afternoon prayer? You could use it.’

‘Will you be taking off your blouse in between sermons? Because in that case I might actually be tempted.’ Seungwan winks, and she is rewarded with the reaction that she’s wanted all along – Joohyun’s good Samaritan mask falls off and the girl scowls.

‘You’re so vulgar.’ The brunette eventually comments, lips pursed, and without any further announcement, disappears in the school’s chapel.

‘Catch you later.’ Seungwan says nonetheless, looking all smug. Chanyeol laughs.

Junmyeon regards the group of friends with clear contempt before looking at his younger brother. Sehun, however, remains purposely silent and after a brief staring contest, the older relents and merely huffs in exasperation.

‘We’re starting in a moment, don’t be late.’ He settles on a light reprimand and marches off, hot on his twin sister’s heels.

Sehun turns to his friends.

‘Do you see now what I have to deal with? Better scoot, you lot, before he comes back and starts calling you out on your wanker-ness in the name of Lord. Later.’

 

 

 

 

 

 

The trip to Beeston is not long, since their boarding school is virtually situated right between Darby and Nottingham; it usually takes less than thirty minutes on foot to reach the neighbourhood. It’s a walk that both Seungwan and Minseok gladly opt for when they are alone – but with lazy Chanyeol in tow, good old Y5 turns out to be the only option. They are lucky today, because the wait on the bus stop is short and the time spent in the vehicle even shorter. From where they get off at Queen’s Road, it’s only a few minute’s walk to Tao and Zhoumi’s house.

Tao greets them at the gate – he’s seated on the step leading to the house, tuning his guitar. He’s one of the few students at Trent College that commute to class.

‘You lucky tosser. I heard your last class got cancelled.’ Minseok says, ruffling Tao’s hair good naturedly. Like Junmyeon and Joohyun, Minseok is in year 13, but unlike Junmyeon and Joohyun, he’s not thinking of going to university after graduation. At least, not for another year or two.

Tao shrugs.

‘That was indeed lucky. I thought Jongin was just taking a piss out of me when he announced the news, because honestly, what are the odds of my most hated class being cancelled on a Friday? There is God, after all.’

‘Speaking of which,’ Chanyeol interrupts ‘God really does exist and apparently needs Sehun to assist him in The Purity Club this afternoon, so we’ll have to practice without the base line for a while. He’ll make it here eventually, though, or so I hope.’

Seungwan undoubtedly has had her ups and downs since her move to Nottingham, but the one thing that keeps her alive and lifts her mood every time is their band. Their yet to be named rock group that she was recruited to on the first day of her transfer from Oakham. She had been admittedly wary of entering the exclusive environment that was a boarding school – she herself had attended her previous school since nursery days and knew exactly how hard it is to break into the tight circle of friendships formed between classmates that knew each other for years.

Upon arrival to her first class, she was made sit next to an extremely tall and lanky for his age Asian boy with a rather loony grin on his face, something that Seungwan didn’t initially take as a good sign. That is, until Chanyeol Park took out his acoustic guitar and started jamming to Jon McLaughlin. _Get out, you’re into his music?_ , she exclaimed excitedly, which earned her another grin and a place at his canteen table with the rest of school misfits.

It was also then that Seungwan first noticed Joohyun Bae, the older student from year 11. _Here comes trouble_ , Sehun, who at that time was still free to have lunch with whomever he pleased, muttered, sinking lower into his seat. Joohyun indeed came over to introduce herself and her Christian group, to whose smooth running she apparently found Seungwan’s attendance imperial, but Seungwan was never really religious and that was their first major problem.

The second was that, as a usually forward and mischievous girl, Seungwan tried to clumsily grope Joohyun’s bum in the girls’ changing room just before Physical Education.

To her defence, she didn’t do it in ill faith. The elated looks that Joohyun was giving her that afternoon could easily be interpreted as encouragement, is what Seungwan has been telling herself since. She doesn’t feel particularly apologetic for her direct behaviour – quite on the contrary, just the memory of the astonishment on that angelic face provokes a mad grin on the red head’s lips. Seungwan truly lives for the thrill of tormenting Joohyun Bae, still hoping that one day she can bend the other girl a little. Perhaps to prove a point, or perhaps to actually make the brunette fall in love with Seungwan.

_Fat chance, but no harm trying._

Seeing how the Satan residing in Seungwan continues to prevent the girl from finding her way to Heaven and consequently, separates her from Joohyun, for now the red head is content with just writing songs about her infatuation.

The band face off that Tao’s older brother managed to find them is mere weeks away and the group doesn’t really feel prepared, because it mostly still feels surreal; heck, until now they haven’t even really thought of a name for themselves. They try not to focus too much on details and just practice as they usually do, going through a few covers as a warm up exercise and later moving on to their own original compositions.

The rehearsal has been going smoothly until the door bell rings some forty minutes later.

‘You open the door, I’ll go to the loo. I just hope it’s not the neighbours complaining about the mad ruckus.’ Minseok off handedly remarks, leaving through the inner door connecting the garage to the house. Tao, who is the closest to the garage roll up door, pulls it open. The red head band mates join him and the three simultaneously raise their eyebrows at the sights of the newcomers on the porch.

Joohyun’s eyes widen in realisation for a split second, her pretty face otherwise unaffected, but it’s enough for Seungwan to notice her discomfort. The brunette certainly did not expect having to preach the Word to a bunch of punks from her own school. Sehun, standing two steps behind his older sister, quickly recognises the irony of the situation, a lazy smirk making its way to his lips. He nods at his friends.

‘Sup.’ Joohyun’s hand on his forearm prevents him from approaching them further. It seems that against all odds, the boy has been entrusted with spreading God’s message today.

‘You knew that they would be here?’ Joohyun hisses under her breath, but not quietly enough for Seungwan not to catch it. Sehun shrugs, because that’s his only defence mechanism against the force of Lord channelled through His faithful servant, Joohyun Bae. ‘We should get going.’

The brunette makes to leave without any further delay, but Seungwan’s comment stops her in her tracks.

‘What’s wrong, Joohyun? You scared of a few teenagers and their electric guitars?’ The red head girl knows exactly how to rile the other up and she shamelessly uses it to her advantage. In reality, she simply doesn’t want Joohyun to go away as soon as she appeared, but the additional kicks that Seungwan gets from situations like this are always a bonus. ‘What will God say when you face Him? That you forwent your duty towards the sinners, because you couldn’t face one lesbian? Or are you perhaps… afraid of me? Do I make you uncomfortable?’

Seungwan doesn’t have to look at her band mates to know that they are all sporting mad grins on their faces, the conversation getting more and more amusing with each passing second. Even Sehun, hidden somewhere behind his sister, is failing to keep his composure. Seungwan and Joohyun stare at each other for a brief moment, before Joohyun huffs, breaking the connection. She unceremoniously drops her handbag on the ground, no longer caring about its whereabouts. The bait has been taken - the challenge has been accepted.

‘Sehun, my prayer book.’ The girl angrily extends her hand, and her brother quickly hands it over, eager to see what happens next.

‘ _In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen._ ’ She starts, her voice even despite the predicament. If any of the few noticeable passers-by find a teenage girl preaching the Word of the Lord in the middle of somebody’s lawn bizarre, there is no indication. ‘ _Oh Lord, Jesus Christ, Redeemer and Saviour, forgive their sins-_ Sehun, would you put your hands together, instead of just standing there?’ Her younger brother hastily does so, but not without pulling a face at his friends first. ‘ _Forgive their sins, for they know not of what they are doing. Count not their transgressions, but rather, their tears of repentance. Remember not their iniquities_ -‘

‘Joohyun Bae, I should have guessed. I could feel the jolly atmosphere of your Christian mission all the way from the privy.’

They all turn to see Minseok standing in the garage door, his expression bordering on nasty. Out of the present company, Minseok has the longest and most painful history with the girl and her twin brother – back in the day, he used to date their cousin, before the news spread about their _inappropriate_ relationship and the girl was pulled out of school, her devoted parents desperate to restore the illusion of her innocence somewhere else.

Joohyun’s voice wavers at the sight of her classmate, mainly because she knows exactly just how greatly she contributed to the couple’s separation.

‘What’s wrong? Continue. I’m always in the mood for some hypocrisy. Just remember, anything that you say might just be used against you.’ The older boy’s smile is anything but pleasant. Joohyun clears her throat awkwardly.

‘ _I pray that You love me and save me_ \- Oh, forget it.’ The brunette closes her prayer book quickly, her posture turning defensive. ‘Saving you? What bollocks. You don’t want to and don’t deserve to be saved. When the Judgment Day comes, you will all burn in hell, because God sees everything and I’m sure that he agrees with me. If you ever decide to rid yourselves of your sins, you are welcome to our Union. Otherwise, I will not stay here even one moment longer.’

‘Did Joohyun Bae just use the _b word_?’ Chanyeol mutters more to himself, observing the scene unfolding before his eyes with hardly concealed fascination. Seungwan nods, absentmindedly. All of this has escalated way too quickly.

‘Can I stay, since I’m already here? We have rehearsal.’ Sehun asks , earning himself what is probably the coldest look that his sister has ever mustered. He shrugs, accepting defeat. _See you later_ , he mouths in their direction and Tao nods sympathetically. Without the hope of actually seeing their bassist today, the rest will have to end their practice prematurely. They reluctantly retreat to the garage.

‘Better meet on Monday. Monday always works for everyone.’ Minseok decides and everyone immediately agrees.

Seungwan remains deep in thought, slowly bundling up the wires of Chanyeol’s drum set. Truth be told, she did enjoying seeing Joohyun, even if the latter came here just to mock them. Even nervous, she looked exceptionally pretty. If only there was a way for Seungwan to put her hands on that perfectly shaped arse again-

A brilliant realisation hits the red head out of nowhere, making her drop the equipment.

‘Hey, watch out!’ Chanyeol shrieks, but Seungwan doesn’t care. She’s been a total idiot.

‘Guys, I’ve been a total idiot.’ She announces to the boys, who look up at her with mild interest.

‘Have you finally seen Joohyun Bae for what she really is?’ Minseok asks sceptically, but Seungwan shakes her head, looking pleased.

‘You’ve heard her. She hates me and thinks that I’m a corrupted sinner. That I’m beyond saving.’ The group continues staring, unsure of where the tirade is actually going. ‘That’s what I have to do in order to get to her. I’m gonna let her save me.’

The exclamation earns her a collective groan.

‘Wan, their crazy is rubbing off on you.’ Tao responds worriedly.

‘I’m not crazy - I’m bloody genius. Why did it take me so long to think of this? I’ll let her save me all right. Or rather, I’ll let her think that she’s saving me, when in reality, I’ll shake her from the inside. You just wait and see.’ Seungwan grins to herself, already feeling more energetic.

The boys groan again.


	2. That's what Jesus would want

_Dear God, I am sorry that I did not have a chance to pray during the lunch break, but as You have probably noticed, I didn’t get to eat it at all. Some members of our Christian community do not seem to take our mission as seriously as it is expected of them – team S did not finish making their posters for the upcoming Christian Picnic on time, so Junmyeon and I had to help them. Do not worry, I know that You are way too busy to deal with small cases of this sort, so I took it upon myself to punish them in Your name. They are now fasting until tomorrow morning to clear their minds and souls, and to get their priorities straight. Junmyeon and I decided to join them, because it is always good to exercise the straight of your own will._

_Sadly, I couldn’t find Sehun the entire afternoon, even thought he had promised to meet us in the canteen for lunch. Sehun is really confused right now, I just know it. Nothing that I say or do brings fruit and I am worried. Where did I go wrong? He used to be a good boy. Now all he does is keep company with Seungwan Son and the rest of those degenerates from her satanic rock band. Excuse my vocabulary, but You also know just how inappropriately they behave and carry themselves. Just look at Seungwan’s hair – it’s like she’s_ _inviting Satan’s_ _into her life._

_So please, help my brother overcome his fascination with evil. As for the others, I’ll understand if You decide that they belong in hell. I really will._

 

 

 

 

 

 

‘Seungwan? You’re done with class already?’ Upon entering her dormitory room, the red head spots her roommate Joy and the girl’s best friend Yerim splayed on the bed, excitedly looking through some magazines. The older girl nods at them.

‘Just came to put away my textbooks. What are you girlies doing here? Shouldn’t you be in your IC class right now?’ The condescending expression on her roommate’s face tells Seungwan exactly what the former thinks of her Intermediate Challenge preparatory course.

Joy Park is definitely the most brilliant student that Trent Collage has ever had, no doubt about that. She’s probably also among the most conceited ones, but unlike the twin Christians, she actually has something to brag about, at least in Seungwan’s humble opinion. Joy has an uncanny ability to pass all her tests without as much as one glance at her notes; she is able to help her red head companion with the latter’s Physics homework that should technically exceed her own abilities by two academic years; she also wins all regional science-related contests that she bothers to enter.

Her self-satisfaction, however, has nothing to do with her superior intellectual abilities. It comes from the simple fact that she regards everyone else to be too moronic to deal with and not worthy of her time. Save for Yerim - and Seungwan perhaps, although that can’t be ascertained - the rest of the student body is surely beneath her.

‘My new SHINee magazine’s just got here, so I have better things to do.’ Joy shrugs and goes back to staring at the half naked Korean idols on the cover. Joy is a bit gaga over Korean music and television, but Seungwan supposes that with a brain like that, her roommate deserves some childish stress relief. She doesn’t want Joy’s head to burst in flames at the tender age of 15, due to all those deep intellectual thoughts that she is constantly forced to engage in.

In all the time that Seungwan has lived with the younger, the other side of the room has always been plastered with images of the band and more specifically, one blond guy in various states of undress. Throughout the months, the red head student has recognised a strange resemblance between Joy’s favourite member and her own classmate Jongin, but never voiced it out; mostly, because Joy thinks that Jongin is a total tool. The only person from Seungwan’s group that has earned the younger girl’s respect so far is Minseok.

‘Have fun, then. I’m gonna go and poke around. Later.’

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seungwan knows exactly what, or rather whom, she wants to poke, but first, she needs to find Sehun. Although they are in the same year, both Sehun and Tao attend a different, science-orientated programme, so Seungwan doesn’t see them much, except for History and Spanish every Monday and Thursday. She pities the boys, because she knows that neither of them is doing the special course willingly, but there is very little that she can offer them, apart from moral support – her own knowledge about Physics and Maths is virtually null.

She finds the tall brunette leaning against the corridor wall leading to his Biology classroom. He’s talking to Yixing Zhang, Junmyeon’s best friend and the secretary of The Christian Union, his face stoic as the older student continues explaining something in a hushed voice.

Yixing is the first to notice Seungwan out of the corner of his eye, for he immediately leans away and giving the younger boy a lingering pat on the shoulder and a tight smile, he walks away before the girl has a chance to say hello. It comes as a bit of a surprise, since Yixing is pretty much the only sane person associated with Joohyun and Junmyeon. Not to mention, he is actually a genuinely nice person.

Sehun casually folds the paper sheet given to him by the other and pockets it in the front of his uniform trousers. He meets Seungwan’s eye just as the girl stops in front of him.

‘You and Yixing? What gives?’ She can’t help but be a little curious. In a small school like theirs, everyone knows everyone, of course; more so, if they happen to constantly spend time in your vicinity. But Sehun has always made it crystal clear that he wants nothing to do with his siblings, their friends or their nutty religious activities, so to see him talk to Yixing surely deserves a mention.

The boy merely shrugs.

‘I think Junmyeon asked him to keep an eye on me. You know, like my brother is the bad cop and then Yixing steps in to sooth the pain? That kind of thing. I don’t care. At the end of the day, he still lectures me about my attitude and brings me prayer pamphlets.’ He huffs, exasperated. ‘What’s up?’

‘You’re still going to the Christian meeting today, right? You need to introduce me as a prospective applicant.’ Seungwan answers quickly, without any further prompting from the boy. Feeling her shamelessly invade his personal space in her excited state, he takes a step back, but not without an amused snort. He’s heard all about Seungwan’s _wonderful_ plans all right.

‘Are you really going to go through with it? Darn it, Wan. I’m actually trying to skive off there every chance I get, but you’re going in there willingly?’ He gives her a look of utter disbelief, but the girl only laughs. She’s made up her mind way before he could interfere, Sehun just knows it. He sighs. ‘Just watch out, will you? I’d be gutted if they actually managed to brain wash you. I’ve been watching them for years, they can mess you up real bad, whether you want it or not.’

Seungwan scoffs good naturedly.

‘Come on. It’s them that should be wary of me. Your sister in particular. She really doesn’t know what she’s in for.’ The singer wiggles her eyebrows at the boy in the expression of pure mischief and she succeeds in making him laugh. She grins even wider; Sehun laughing is not a sight that one witnesses often. ‘And if it so happens that they get a taste of their own medicine, all the better.’

Sehun takes a deep breath and drapes his right arm around Seungwan’s shoulders, ushering her in the direction of the school’s chapel situated in the adjoined building.

‘Well then, Miss Son, let me take you in as my personal protégé and disciple. Who knows, their version of Heaven might actually become a livelier place with you around.’

 

 

 

 

 

 

‘Sehun, where have you been? I have been look-‘ The moment Joohyun’s eyes fall on the newcomer behind her brother, she halts her speech and puffs her cheeks in a hardly concealed affront. ‘What are you doing here, Seungwan? Take your dirty attitude out of here this instant. This is a sacred place of religious contemplation. Our Lord doesn’t need to listen to your unjustified sarcasm.’

Joohyun’s words come out more like a hiss, and lower in volume with every step that she takes towards the two friends, but the gathering doesn’t need to hear her rage in order to notice the scene unfolding before their eyes. The abrupt silence that follows Sehun and Seungwan’s entrance serves as the best proof.

‘Can you relax for a moment, sis? Seungwan came here as my guest. You did invite her, remember? You said that she was welcome to come whenever she felt like repenting for her sins. She actually came to apologise for the way she’s been treating you.’ The boy points out, trying his best to make it sound more casual and less suspicious than it already is. The red head just goes along with it.

Joohyun only frowns, clearly refusing to be fooled. She eyes Seungwan in disdain and scoffs when the red head’s expression turns eerily innocent.

‘She did not come here to repent, and if she has actually managed to convince you of that, then shame on you. I’ve told you many times to stop associating yourself with her and those other wrong doers. They are not afraid of God, Sehun, when they really should be.’

Sehun is unfortunately running out of words to use in his friend’s defence, when suddenly, much needed help comes from the most unexpected place.

‘Joohyun, Seungwan came here willingly. Perhaps not with the best intention in heart, but it is our duty to show her what she has been missing in her life. Will you deprive her of that chance and behave like all those miserable non believers just to spite her? Or will you welcome her into our congregation with an open mind? Remember, Joohyun, if they slap you, turn the other cheek. That’s what Jesus would want.’ Junmyeon puts his hand on his twin’s shoulder to calm her down, but it’s clear that Joohyun is far from being appeased. And even less willing to turn the other cheek for Seungwan’s benefit. ‘Now, I believe that Sehun said something about an apology?’ The older boy casts a glance of a well practiced kindness at the red head singer.

‘I’m really sorry for the way that I’ve been treating you.’ She looks at Joohyun. ‘You too, Junmyeon. My sincere apologies. I’m deeply reflecting at the moment.’ She smiles sweetly at him. Even to her own ears, it sounds dishonest and cringe-worthy – perhaps exactly because it is - but Junmyeon appears satisfied. He nods righteously, his usual light smile gracing his lips, and Seungwan immediately realises that the sense of accomplishment that the vice president is experiencing right now stems not from her repentance, but rather from the fact that the sentiment is offered to him directly.

‘You’re forgiven. Joohyun?’ He squeezes his sister’s shoulder in encouragement.

Junmyeon’s rectitude might be blinding him to the truth behind the red head’s behaviour, but the singer knows that she is not fooling Joohyun. The two girls share a quick but intense eye contact, which eventually has Joohyun look away.  

‘I forgive you.’ She eventually drawls and storms away to sit in the front row next to her friend Seulgi. Junmyeon nods at Sehun and Seungwan, before giving them a pointed look and following his twin.

Seungwan lets out the breath that she didn’t know she was holding and looks to her friend, still sanding by her side.

‘You have one bizarre family.’ She says, amused, and he sighs.

‘Tell me something I don’t know.’

‘Can’t believe that they actually bought your words, though.’ Seungwan adds and Sehun just shrugs in a familiar manner.

‘It helps that they think I’m a bit insane.’

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seungwan forgoes Sehun’s usual place on the bench at the back, where he habitually spends most of the sermon dozing off, and dragging her very reluctant friend along, she marches right to the front row. It’s not yet full, but its occupants are seated beside each other in a visibly tightly formation. As much as the read head wants to wiggle her way next to Joohyun, she cannot exactly separate the girl from her friend Seulgi, who is firmly moulded to her side.

The singer finds much less resistance in Yixing Zhang, who albeit a bit confused, smiles at her and moves away to the left, offering the place before the president of the union can stop him. Seungwan grins in thanks and takes the spot, pulling Sehun to sit on her other side. To Yixing’s questioning gaze, the other boy merely shrugs.

Seungwan knows that he is _this_ close to rolling his eyes, though.

‘Isn’t this proximity to the altar a little bold for your first visit here? The light of the Lord might burn you alive.’ Joohyun hisses through clenched teeth and Seungwan merely smirks, winking at her. The brunette immediately looks away, trying to put as much distance between them as possible, but it’s not so easy anymore; certainly not with six people on the bench.

Perhaps because it’s Seungwan’s first time at the meeting, or simply perhaps she has come with an ulterior motive in mind, but the first half an hour of worship doesn’t seem so bad. Yixing and Junmyeon alternatively move forward to read passages from the Bible out loud, occasionally drawing a murmur of prayer from the gathering. Joohyun and Seulgi lead the chorals and Seungwan notices with a bit of a welcomed surprise that the brunette possesses a clear, pleasant voice.

Not minding Joohyun’s reprimanding looks, Seungwan looks around with curiosity and spots a few familiar faces among the audience. Next to her, Sehun looks unusually awake.

Eventually, Junmyeon closes his religious aids and the crowd relaxes slightly. What starts as hushed muttering, quickly turns into casual conversations.

‘Everyone, please. There are still a few announcements to make and matters to settle.’

Seungwan can just see Junmyeon as the next Presbyterian pastor, taking the parish after his father. He’s definitely in his element – putting up a stern front, he obviously enjoys the authority of his position.

Once the gathering has quietened, the boy steps down from the podium to make way for his sister. She carries herself with silent dignity, her expression sharp and watchful – judgemental even, but that might just be reserved for Seungwan. Either way, the president possesses the clarity of mind that her twin Junmyeon cannot hope to have, and it is probably one of the reasons for which she has been elected.

‘First of all, there are still several projects that need completion before the Christian Picnic taking place in two weeks. Team leaders, report. Team J? Team E? S? U? S? What do you have to say? It better be good news, I will no longer tolerate…’

‘Did these teams just spell..?’ Seungwan whispers to Sehun in wonder. Her friend nods, bored.

‘ _Jesus_ , yes.’

‘How do they differentiate between _S_ and _S_ , though?’ The red head probes further. She appears surprised, but there is mirth dancing in her eyes.

‘They just do. It’s a Christian thing.’ Seungwan snickers almost inaudibly. Sehun continues. ‘That’s nothing, though. You should have seen them last year, during World Youth Day. They prepared so many activities that their teams’ initials spelled _I luv Holy Trinity_.’

‘Why _luv_?’

‘There weren’t enough units, so it was either that, or _Trinit_ without _y_.’ Seungwan snickers again.

‘Which letter are you in now?’

‘Technically in _J_ with Junmyeon and Joohyun, but in reality I’m everyone’s slave – especially when they need to carry heavy stuff or paint another banner.’

‘Oh, what rubbish.’ The red head concurs sympathetically.

‘He’s brought it upon himself.’ Seungwan’s eyes land on Yixing, still seated on Sehun’s other side. The older turns to them with a tired expression. ‘When they first divided teams into letters, he made the mistake of joking about Jesus.’

‘You didn’t.’ Seungwan’s lips stretch in a mischievous grin. Sehun shrugs for the umpteenth time, but there is a shadow of a smile on his lips.

‘Remember that one liner that Chanyeol told us the other day?’

‘Wait… That Jesus was in fact…’

‘…a woman, yeah. Because he kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men that just didn’t get it.’ Seungwan giggles quietly. ‘After that, my already lowly status went down the drain completely.’

‘And rightfully so.’ Junmyeon appears out of nowhere to hush them with disapproval written all over his face. ‘That is not funny at all. Now, you two - be quiet and listen. Yixing, if you could..’ Junmyeon motions at the guitar in the corner of the room. ‘It’s almost time for the choir to practice their chorals.’

Yixing nods and leaves without another word, his best friend close behind.

‘…it is _a little_ bit funny.’ Seungwan admits after a moment of silence, and both of them cannot help but burst out laughing. They fail to notice the cold look that Joohyun sends them from the podium. The brunette halts her speech.

‘Pray tell, Seungwan, what is so funny that you need to laugh about it right in the middle of my presentation?’

‘I just remembered a joke about Jesus.’ The singer lets out the first thing that comes to her mind. ‘Do you know why Jesus was actually a woman? Because-‘

‘Junmyeon!’ Joohyun calls her brother over, hastily interrupting the rest of the sentence. ‘Take over here, please.’ She adds in a seemingly calmer manner, but her hands are still shaking. ‘Seungwan, follow me.’

The older brunette leaves through the back door and the red head follows, a few pitying looks as her only companion. Angering Joohyun Bae is not a laughing matter, especially in a sacred space.

‘What is your problem?’ Joohyun demands to know as soon as the door behind the younger girl closes.

They find themselves in the back garden of the chapel. Despite the immense efforts of the Christian Union, the flowers planted there continue withering in a rapid pace. For some reason, they suddenly remind Seungwan of Sehun. Too much Christian fertiliser, too little actual care. Soon, just like Sehun, they will start playing in a satanic rock band just to relieve their flowery stress.

Seungwan puts on her best innocent expression.

‘I don’t understand what you mean.’

‘Everywhere you go, you leave the place in shambles. I refuse to let you ruin my congregation. You wanted to mock me? Fine, you’ve had your laugh. Very bloody funny. Now scram before I make you. And don’t let me ever see your face again.’

Seungwan finds it mildly amusing that she seems to be the only person around whom Joohyun loses nerve, but she takes it as a good sign. She is getting to the brunette – slowly, but surely.

‘Don’t get your knickers in a twist, honey.’ Her sugary smile has Joohyun fist her palms tighter. ‘I really came here because I am seeking spiritual guidance. I think there is something wrong with me.’

‘There is everything wrong with you.’ Joohyun confirms angrily. ‘Just look at you. Your hair, your taste in clothes, your friends and your inappropriate rock music. On top of everything, you’re… you’re completely indecent.’

‘You mean I’m a lesbian.’ Seungwan confirms, and Joohyun purses her lips, casting her eyes downwards.

‘That too.’

‘You shouldn’t be afraid of a word, Joohyun. If anything, you should be afraid of me.’ Joohyun’s head shoots up, a frown marring her otherwise perfect face. ‘Since I’m _the angry lesbian_ here.’

‘You’re incorrigible. What are you still doing here?’

‘I want you to help me… change a little. In the name of God, and all that.’ Seungwan takes a step closer, but Joohyun immediately withdraws. The greasy smile that the other girl is sporting certainly doesn’t help the brunette relax in her presence.

‘What if I don’t want to? God knows your heart. He will understand my decision to reject your request. I’m also only human, after all. Your sins are too big even for a good Christian like me.’

‘I guess I could always ask your brother, then. He is rather… good looking.’ The words taste foreign on Seungwan’s tongue, because despite Junmyeon’s objective handsomeness, the sole thought of being romantically interested in him is seriously appalling to the red head, but Joohyun doesn’t seem to notice Seungwan’s discomfort.

‘But you’re not… Well, you like…’

‘I like women? Yeah. But maybe I like men, too. I guess I’ll never know until I try.’ Seungwan _does know_ , in fact, because she tried to make out with Chanyeol two autumns ago in the boys’ changing room. It turned out to be a massive mistake, as both her and Chanyeol definitely, one hundred and ten percent play for the so called _other team_.

But Joohyun doesn’t need to know that.

‘Leave Sehun alone. It’s enough that you hang around him so much.’ The brunette hisses. The red head vocalist briefly frowns, because to her knowledge, Sehun is completely asexual – he never once expressed interest in a girl or a boy the entire time that Seungwan has been his friend. And anyway, even if she did like men, Sehun would probably be her last choice. No offence.

‘I meant Junmyeon.’

‘Junmyeon?’ It’s Joohyun’s turn to frown. ‘He has a girlfriend.’

‘Well, she’s not a wall – she can be easily moved. Girlfriends and boyfriends never stopped anyone. It’s all about the right attitude.’ It comes out cruder than Seungwan wants it to, but the effect is the same – Joohyun goes visibly pale, although her blood is definitely boiling.

‘You wouldn’t.’ The brunette slits her eyes, looking at the other girl in disdain.

‘Try me.’ Seungwan challenges and Joohyun sighs deeply, although her breathing techniques have long stopped helping her.

‘What do you want from me, Seungwan Son?’

‘I’ve already told you, I just want to follow your example, learn a little from you.’

‘Learn from me? Learn what exactly?’ Joohyun places her hands on her waist, observing the other suspiciously.

‘We can spend some time together and you can preach to me all you want, and then I can just, you know….’

‘You can what?’

‘Absorb all your religious knowledge, of course.’ Seungwan finishes innocently, batting her eyelashes at the older.

‘Don’t think for a second that I believe you.’ Joohyun responds eventually, taking a moment to assess the situation. She’s ready to leave the red head behind and head back to the chapel, but she stops a few feet away from the door and turns around. ‘Come to our meeting on Thursday. And drop the attitude. I’ll see what I can do for you in the name of God. That’s it. I’ll try to help you since I’m a good Christian – it means nothing else. And stay away from Junmyeon.’

Seungwan is not certain if the _I’m too bloody good for this school_ has actually left Joohyun’s mouth or not, the muttering too low for her to hear properly, but either way, Seungwan is elated at the news.

Well, truth be told, she always gets what she wants. Sooner or later.

She sends Sehun a quick text not to wait for her, and calls Chanyeol instead. He answers after three rings.

‘What’s hanging, Wan?’

‘Remember that fiver or two that you still owe me? Take it and ask Minseok to help us buy some Worthington.’

‘Going big, I see, and it’s only Tuesday.’ Chanyeol laughs on the other side of the line. ‘I take it your Christian mission’s turned out successful?’

‘Better; I think I scored myself a date.’

‘I’d be happy for you, if I didn’t hate Joohyun and Junmyeon so much. I feel sorry for Sehun sometimes – sharing their genes must be daunting.’ Seungwan hears some shuffling – Chanyeol is getting ready. ‘I’ll get some crisps, too, while I’m at it, we can’t drink on an empty stomach or we’ll get totally plastered. I repeat, it’s only Tuesday.’

‘Fine, fine. See you after curfew.’

‘See you after curfew.’ Chanyeol confirms and hangs up.

Seungwan has never grinned so hard in her life.

 


	3. Dazed & Confused

_Dear God, I’ve been really confused recently, I’m afraid._ _In my own stupid way, I’m_ _doing all I can to s_ _tay positive_ _, even if sometimes it just doesn’t work. Please believe me; I know I’m failing You but it’s not for the lack of trying._

_I… I-I am terribly sorry that I haven’t been praying properly for the past few weeks. I know that what I’m going through has nothing to do with You and that it’s wrong to punish You for other people’s mistakes. I’m just… I just really feel annoyed at the world, You know? Annoyed and trapped. I get all defensive and then I fall back into my childish habits._

_And sorry for the weird jokes about You. Yeah, I know. It’s total rubbish. But I personally think that You_ _would also f_ _ind them funny._

_Recently I’ve had this irrational fear that Junmyeon_ knows _– I think that deep down, he does know, actually, and it’s honestly just a matter of time before he catches me red handed. Yixing keeps repeating that You love everyone, and that apparently also includes me. …You do, right? Love me, I mean. Regardless of how I am._

_I sincerely hope that You do because I kind of need You right now._

_Oh, and can You, please, not send Seungwan and Chanyeol to hell just yet? I think you might be surprised if You give them another chance._

 

 

 

 

 

‘Sehun.’ The boy’s head shoots up, blinking away the dizziness. Chanyeol’s hand on his shoulder prompts him into motion and he stands up, stretching his arms above his head and cracking away the stiffness of his back. Just how long has he been seated motionless? He’s completely spaced up, bent over his Literature essay.

He turns to his red head roommate and finds him in the state of complete undress, with barely a towel around his hips. Upon noticing Sehun’s confused expression, Chanyeol just tsks and walks up to the window to wrestle it open. The frame is really old and barely moves, unless pulled forcefully.

The moment he manages to do so, another messy read head appears in sight. Its owner pulls herself up on the windowsill and wiggles her way through the narrow gap, before falling flat face first, right at Chanyeol’s feet. Standing up straight doesn’t do her any more good, though – she collides with her friend’s chest instead.

Massaging her pounding head with an open palm, Seungwan sends Chanyeol an annoyed look, nearly crossing her eyes in the process. Her fringe has become unbearably long and she can’t see anything.

‘Must you be so tall, you troll?’

‘My, my. Look at her witty jokes. I’d get back at you for this but I don’t wanna _scoop to your level_.’ Chanyeol smirks, stepping away and easily losing his towel, throwing it on his bed. Seungwan groans and immediately turns around.

‘You’re so gross sometimes, Chanyeol Park, I don’t know how I’m still friends with you. Can’t you see that there’s a lady in your quarters? Must you be so indecent?’ She wails for dramatic effect. Chanyeol just snorts.

‘Of course. Once a lady actually does appear in the vicinity, this gentleman will make sure to put some nice cargos on. In the meantime, allow me to pull my trousers up and have a smoke first. My hands are seriously shaking.’ Chanyeol does exactly that – having dressed himself in a pair of comfy shorts and a worn out _You read my t-shirt. That’s enough social interaction for one day_ t-shirt, he loosens a plank underneath his own bed and takes out a half empty pack of Benson  & Hedges and a lighter.

Sehun, who has been watching the exchange with mild amusement, shakes his head.

‘That was one brilliant rendition of _Pride and Prejudice_ that you just had there, folks, but can I have my friends back now?’

‘It’s your fault to begin with, you sod.’ Seungwan turns to Sehun, sending him a slightly offended look. ‘I knocked on that darn window for good five minutes. You try hanging off the drainpipe this long, then you can talk.’

‘You left me alone in the chapel. In the first bloody row. Junmyeon’s preaching nearly drove me bonkers. So maybe, just maybe, my subconsciousness decided that you deserved all that hanging.’

‘He totally spaced out at his desk just now.’ Chanyeol, seated next to the open frame, pipes in. ‘It’s a good thing the shower room was virtually empty, otherwise I would have taken longer. Now who’s your most awesomest friend?’ Sending the girl a playful smile, he leans away from the other two and exhales the smoke into the night air.

Despite it being late September, the weather is still exceptionally warm.

‘ _Most awesomest_ doesn’t exist, you moron, and when I see him, I’ll be sure to point him out to you.’

‘That was so weak, Wan, I’m speechless.’ Chanyeol laughs easily. Seungwan just yawns and lowers herself to sit on the floor. ‘Going soft on us? It was you who wanted to drink tonight.’

‘Is anyone else coming?’ The girl asks, not bothering with a proper response to the last question.

‘Apparently Jongin, and he’s bringing real food.’ Chanyeol is done with his cigarette and slides in next to Seungwan. She immediately grimaces.

‘Budge up. Or better yet, go brush your teeth. You stink.’

‘What’s the point? I’m gonna be eating in a moment anyway.’

‘The point is, you stink. I told you not to smoke so much.’ Seungwan keeps nagging, unsuccessfully trying to push her companion out of her personal space. He leans even more, intent on annoying her.

‘And I told you that you’re not my bloody mother. Besides, it’s only my second today, so give me a break.’

 They stop their bickering eventually, realising that Sehun, still seated on his desk chair, remains even quieter than usual. Both red heads look at him in slight concern.

‘Mate, you all right?’ Chanyeol frowns. Is Sehun all right? He himself doesn’t know.

He’s had a lot on his mind lately; all he knows is that he is terribly conflicted. It’s come to the point when he appears to no longer be able to concentrate on his every day matters and even his friends have begun noticing. Brushing off his relatives is one thing – he has been avoiding telling them anything important about himself for as long as he remembers; it has already become his second nature. But lying to the people with whom he is actually close – the same friends who, although sometimes insensitive and short-sighted, are always ready to jump into fire for him… That’s a bit harder.

He’s probably a hypocrite, though. After all, he’s walked this fine line for many months now, and he fared decently. It’s just that recently, things seem to have been getting out of hand and it would really help to be able to share the burden. But he’s promised he wouldn’t, so he can’t, no matter how tiring it is.

Sehun’s mouth stretches into a resemblance of a smile. To anyone else, it might look a bit forced, but he knows that they won’t worry. They recognise it as his natural facial expression.

‘Am I all right? Definitely not. Thanks to your, guys’, rumbling I’m completely whacked and the evening hasn’t even started. Right now I need a headache medicine, not alcohol.’

‘How about some kebab instead?’ The three heads turn to the newcomer. Having knocked once, Jongin Kim opens the door and ushers himself in. He’s carrying two paper bags that smell of strong spice and well grilled meat. When the pink haired boy notices the three pairs of eyes hungrily staring at them, he chuckles and passes its contents to the closest person, eager to avoid the inevitable fight for food.

‘How much do I owe you?’ Seungwan takes out a few quid from the back pocket of her denims.

‘Oh, it’s fine…’

‘No, really. It’s on me. It was my idea to meet, anyway.’ Jongin takes the money then, still looking hesitant.

‘I think you gave me too much.’ He insists, counting the money carefully. His voice is quiet, but clear. He’s always been more on a timid side.

Chanyeol’s hand wraps around Jongin’s and the red head firmly closes it, making sure that his friend accepts the payment.

‘Seriously, Jongin. Gotta milk the gnome while you can. She’s totally minted.’ The comment earns Chanyeol a whack on the head from behind. ‘Ouch, geez. I’m only telling the truth.’

But Seungwan doesn’t say anything else, glad that her best friend spares her the trouble of arguing with Jongin. Sure, she does have money – or rather, her divorced parents do, but it’s pretty much the same thing. And she knows that a few notes here and there mean nothing to her. They do, however, mean a lot to Jongin and Seungwan is not about to exploit her friend just because he happens to work at a fast food joint and frequently brings them greasy products of his hard labour. The pink haired student is the sort of person that would never ask his friends for repayment, but it’s common knowledge that every time he does bring them something, he covers the bill from his own pocket, so it’s up to Seungwan and the guys to make sure he gets his money back.

Chanyeol is not the most sensitive lad out there, but he does get the message across, because Jongin finally smiles, amused. He puts away the pounds and the case is forgotten.

‘What are you guys talking about?’ The newcomer sits down next to them, passing around the napkins. Eventually, even Sehun leaves his chair in favour of making himself comfortable on the floor.

‘About Joohyun Bae.’ Seungwan cheerfully announces the first thing that pops into her head, biting into her sandwich. Jongin, on the other hand, grimaces like he’s tasted something rotten and puts the food that he was about to bite in away.

‘Can we not? Unless you’re planning on serving that roach what she deserves, just stop. I’m losing appetite and I had a long six hour shift at work today. I’m beat. I need my proteins.’

‘Wanna crush here for tonight?’ Sehun asks, concerned. Out of the three of them, he’s the closest to Jongin due to their involvement in the school dance club. They were also roommates the previous year, before life went downhill for Jongin and Sehun had no choice but to room with Chanyeol instead.

 The pink haired boy shakes his head.

‘I can’t stay; I actually have to get going soon. I left all my school stuff with Minseok before I headed to Kebabalicious. It’s more convenient to just go back to my uncle and aunt’s place.’ It’s turning 9.30pm – the school would close the main gate in an hour. Like Tao, Minseok and Jongin commute to school from inner parts of the city and that inevitably means being well orientated in bus transportation schedules and bus stop designations.

Seungwan really wants to raise the topic of Joohyun again, but she doesn’t dare. She knows that Chanyeol would just laugh in mild amusement at what he always calls her _strange infatuation_ , mostly because he lives for creating havoc; and Sehun, although more conflicted, has long lost interest in or any sort of compassion for his uptight sister. But Jongin? Jongin loathes Joohyun, and not in a _she’s insane_ , laughable kind of way.

Jongin loathes her, because she indirectly cost him his family.

So Seungwan falls silent instead, chewing on her kebab thoughtfully. Chanyeol sends her a quick glance, before looking away. He knows what is going through Seungwan’s head at that moment. They’ve always understood each other without needing words. It is actually spooky, now that Seungwan thinks about it. Comfortable and useful, yes, but terribly spooky.

The tall drummer doesn’t let the heavy atmosphere linger for too long, anyway – as if prompted, he engages Jongin in a long and pointless discussion about the reasons behind Nottingham Forest’s loss against Leeds United in their most recent match, and how they will never be able to advance to Premier League at this rate. The talk gets so heated that later on, Jongin has to sneak out through the window and jumping over the lowest part of the Trent College’s brick fence, he runs to the bus stop to catch the last Y5 home.

‘So what’s the progress with the preacher’s daughter, anyway?’ Chanyeol mumbles from his place on the floor where he sleeps on the rare occasion that Seungwan decides to stay over in the boys’ room. They ended up not drinking at all, but the food was aplenty and that usually lulls the red head drummer to sleep better than any ale. On the other side of the room, Sehun is already in deep slumber, deaf and blind to any conversations his two friends might be having.

‘Can’t deny that I like messing with her. She’s an easy target.’ Seungwan responds in a whisper from Chanyeol’s bed, eyes wide open and grinning to herself. Late night is when the vocalist is most active – writing songs or having erotic fantasies about Joohyun Bae, she’s done it all. In a very creative way. ‘But I do like her, a lot. Not just physically. And I don’t really believe that there is nothing more to her than just mindless reciting the chorals.’

‘No matter how I look at it, she’s a horrible person. I can’t accept her as my sister-in-law.’ Chanyeol refutes, stupidly laughing to himself under his breath.

Ok, so maybe he _did have_ a sip or two of the beer.

‘Whatever. You’re not even invited to our wedding, you wanker. And if she’s a horrible person, then what does that make us? We’re pretty dodgy ourselves.’ She laughs along, but eventually ends up sighing. ‘I think that deep down, she’s a good person and that she wants to do good deeds. I know that from her perspective, it looks like we’re the spawns of hell, but to me, she’s the one who is actually lost. If that prick Junmyeon is blinded by his sense of self righteousness, then Joohyun has lost sight of what is really important. Friends. Family. Because with all due respect to the One above, if He has sent us all here just to make each other’s lives miserable, then He kind of sucks.’

‘..Darn, Wan. That was deep. Try not to do it in public too often, though, because you’ll just space out and end up awkwardly staring at somebody’s crotch.’ The somber seriousness with which the statement is delivered provokes a fit of quiet giggles from Seungwan. ‘Hey, don’t laugh! It has actually happened to me. More than once.’

‘Are you sure it wasn’t intentional? Because your eyes always seem to stray to Baekhyun Byun’s willie.’

‘Willie? What are you? 12?’ Chanyeol snorts. ‘And they do not.’ He quickly adds, affronted.

‘They do, too. And I can be crude. Does dick sound better to you? Or maybe something more exotic? Joy’s cousin said that they call it a _tockley_ down in Aus.’ Seungwan mocks quietly, feeling herself getting more tired by the minute. The yawns take away any heat that her words might have.

‘Remind me to wash your roommate’s mouth with soap when I see her next. She’s too young to know these things.’

‘You’re a bloody hypocrite, Chanyeol Park, and my roommate will eat you for breakfast if you ever as much as stand within a ten feet distance away from her.’

Silence follows after the bickering, and just as the red head vocalist begins to think that their pointless exchange has finally exhausted her tall friend, he opens his mouth again, words even quieter than before.

‘Sehun prays sometimes, you know. When he thinks I’m not looking.’

‘Of course he does. And he should if he wants to.’ Seungwan responds, briefly glancing in the direction of the second boy, but even if the brunette just so happens to be still awake and listening to his friends’ conversation, there is no way of knowing. It’s too dark.

‘These days I feel like being around us makes him think that he cannot give a snot about certain things just to fit in. I don’t care about the rest of those twats, but I want to be fair to him.’

‘Who’s deep now?’ Seungwan snorts at that. ‘Seriously, though, Sehun is smarter than you will ever be, Park. He probably wants to spare you the shame of exposing your ignorance.’ Chanyeol says nothing to the playful accusation. Seungwan turns her head and look back to the ceiling. ‘Personally, I have nothing against religion. I’m just strongly against it turning everyone around me into brainless robots. God loves us all. You and your rotten attitude, me and my sarcasm. If there is one thing that I believe in, this would be it. I hope that Sehun’s family understands it, too, for his sake. Maybe not today, but someday. And I think that he himself wishes for it, too; that’s why he still has any fucks left to give about them, be it out of love or pure loyalty.’

‘I could never.’ Chanyeol states with a new found determination, his tone turning eerily dark. ‘I could never.’ He repeats only, but says nothing else. Seungwan wishes she could say that too much parental supervision is better than none at all, but unfortunately for Sehun, it doesn’t seem to be the case here.

 

 

 

 

‘Seungwan Son.’ Joohyun Bae looks up from her notes as soon as she catches the sight of what used to be white tennis shoes approaching her. The red head singer tends to give them a truly _royal_ treatment, drawing on them with various colourful pens, usually in moments of desperate boredom.

The older brunette sighs, suddenly feeling a wave of justified exhaustion overcoming her.

‘Is there anything that I can help you with?’ She struggles to be polite.

‘May I sit at your lunch table today?’ The red head eyes the only other person already present around Joohyun, her best friend Seulgi. When Seungwan glances in her direction, Junmyeon’s girlfriend sends her an uneasy smile, as if she were conflicted whether to stay impartial or actually side with Joohyun on this one.

‘No, you may not.’ The president replies categorically. ‘I told you to come to tomorrow’s service, not to give me indigestion every second of my life. I’m having a stressful enough day as it is.’

‘I really didn’t come here to mock you this time. You said you’d give me a chance, so here I am.’

‘No, you basically blackmailed me into allowing you to be seen in my presence. There’s a difference.’ Joohyun hisses, looking around to see if anyone has noticed their proximity yet - it’s common knowledge that the two girls do not exactly get along – but it’s still too early for the hungry crowd to appear in this part of school. A few individuals linger here and there, chewing on their Jamie Oliver lunch options while finishing their homework for the afternoon class.

‘Well, then, if you put it this way, I guess I can just sit with you anyway.’ Seungwan grins and takes the chair situated directly in front of the brunette. The latter grits her teeth.

‘Can’t you just go to your own friends? I’m sure all these nasty comments are greatly missed at their table. After all, you guys are all professional bullies, aren’t you?’ Joohyun bites back, but unlike Seungwan, she doesn’t seem to be enjoying their exchange at all, because there is no ounce of playfulness in her eyes.

The red head’s expression slightly falls at the gravity of the statement and her mouth twitches. It’s not the first time that Joohyun Bae shoots her down, quite on the contrary; but it’s the first time Seungwan can actually feel the venom oozing from her words.

‘Takes one to know one, Joohyun.’ The singer eventually responds lowly, any traces of laughter now gone. ‘You better think twice before you accuse somebody else of the crimes that hang heavily on your own conscience. _Let he who is without sin cast the first stone_ , isn’t that what Jesus said?’

They regard each other with a prolonged cold look and the younger sees the brunette fisting the first page attached to her clipboard in pure resentfulness. A moment later, however, the tension is abruptly broken. Somebody else catches Joohyun’s eye over the red head’s shoulder and Joohyun relaxes her position, rising her hand in amicable greeting.

‘Yixing, Baekhyun. Why don’t you sit with us today?’ Seungwan turns around to see the two boys queuing to the cash register nearby with their trays in hand. Having heard Joohyun’s invitation, Baekhyun Byun looks to Yixing for approval, and after what feels like a second of uneasy hesitation, the latter smiles and nods in the direction of the girls. Just before the two friends reach their table, Joohyun squeezes Seungwan’s palm tightly, drawing the younger’s attention back to herself.

‘To be a smartarse, you first need to be smart, Seungwan. Otherwise it just makes you an arse. Not that you weren’t already.’ Joohyun hisses, before pushing the read head’s hand away from herself, making it drop heavily on the table. When the younger looks up next, she notices a radical change in her crush – the girl in front of her smiles pleasantly at the newcomers, asking Yixing to sit next to her and inquiring Baekhyun about his recent whereabouts.

Seungwan’s own words from the night before suddenly come to mind. It’s rather hard to admire and believe in the genuineness of affection that Joohyun holds for the others after the nasty attitude she’d just been given. Seungwan sighs, her mood unusually dampened.

But the singer has never been one to dwell too much on things that she has no control over. Once Joohyun pulls Yixing into a conversation involving something on her clipboard, the red head singer just shrugs the incident off and turns to Baekhyun, who is seated on her other side. Catching his eye, she sends him a kind smile which he reciprocates.

Baekhyun is a classmate that Seungwan doesn’t usually interact much with – their social circles not really overlapping, unless one counts the long hopeless stares that usually forward Chanyeol sends the shorter boy, of which Baekhyun is entirely unaware, that much is certain. But the latter is not by any means an unpleasant companion. He might not be as crazy as most of the girl’s friends, but his well balanced personality makes him refreshingly _normal_.

‘I saw you at the service yesterday. I didn’t realise that you were part of The Pur- of the Union.’ Seungwan bites her tongue at the last moment, but Baekhyun heaves a small laugh nonetheless. He’s caught the verbal slip of hers.

‘It’s all right. I’m well aware of the Union’s informal designation circling around our school. And no, I’m not part of it. But I’m still a Presbyterian and as far as I’m concerned, one doesn’t need to be part of anything to be close to God, or do they?’ Baekhyun’s smirk is always slow and deliberate, and quite frankly, it always confuses Seungwan as to the boy’s true intentions. But, she decides, even if he is indeed mocking her, it’s the kind of playful mockery that she can definitely take. There aren’t that many good verbal sparring partners around that would insult you without any real offence and Seungwan can appreciate that.

‘Whatever floats your boat.’ The girl agrees, still observing Yixing and Joohyun from the corner of her eye. She immediately recognises the latter’s behaviour – perhaps due to her own frequent attempts at activities of similar nature, Seungwan does consider herself well versed in the language of romance. And although the brunette is subtle, to the red head, all the signals are unmistakeable – Joohyun is flirting.

Whether to annoy Seungwan or out of genuine affection is not clear, but probably the former. Seungwan has never once noticed the older girl giving the Union’s secretary any more attention than a casual classmate and she sure has been watching her like a hawk. But the president is doing all of the typical hand touching, playing with her hair things that would probably raise blood pressure in the veins of any healthy young man, and well, in this case, some women, too. The fact that Yixing either doesn’t realise what’s going on or possesses the willpower not to pick up on it is already admirable enough in Seungwan’s eyes.

‘Can you stop being so perverse for one second?’ Joohyun remarks, disgust written all over her face as she closes the flaps of her uniform jacket even tighter. Woken up from her trans, Seungwan blinks several times, until the realisation of her actions finally downs of her.

What Chanyeol warned her about has really happened, after all. Deep in her thoughts, the read head girl spaced out and ended up staring at Joohyun’s boobs.

Not giving her own body a chance to catch on and hit her with the dread of embarrassment, Seungwan does what he does best  - she musters her signature greasy grin. Joohyun just scoffs.

‘It’s your luck and my misfortune that we are short of hand today.’ The president announces, standing up and clearing out her tray. ‘Come to the Eastern building after class. Maybe you can finally use some of that misplaced eagerness for the greater good.’

 


	4. The trouble with picnics is...

_The greater good_ turns out to be the Christian Picnic hosted by the Union the following Sunday.

It’s all the same to Seungwan, though. Picnic, barbeque, bar crawl – as long as there are things to be done and the girl has an excuse to bask in Joohyun’s holy presence. It’s nearing 4pm and the red head has never wanted so badly in her entire life for her afternoon Biology class to just finish already. Not even when BBC One randomly decided to start the broadcast of a _Blackadder_ marathon in the middle of a Wednesday afternoon some five weeks ago.

She quietly groans to herself, completely giving up on the lecture that she cannot hope to comprehend. She’ll need a tutor soon, but she’s running out of options. None of her friends are good at the subject, and once her mother gets a wind of Seungwan’s recent stream of test failures, she’ll insist on hiring an actual paid help. And then the red head’s band practice time will be reduced to nothing.

The singer groans again. It’s not that she doesn’t care about her studies, not completely anyway – but why does knowledge always have to stand in the way of her happiness?

She turns around, bored, and ends up catching Chanyeol’s eye. He’s barely hanging in there, his head threatening to fall on his chest, he’s this tired – he probably stayed up all night again, playing _League of Legends_.

 _Practice in my room?_ He mouths, making a gesture as if he were playing the guitar. She shakes her head and he frowns.

‘I told you I was going to be helping Joohyun.’ She reminds the boy the moment they are free to leave the classroom. She swings on her heels back and forth, barely concealing her excitement. The drummer looks like he wants to comment, but in the end just shrugs.

‘See you later, then. I guess somebody does has to take one for the team, after all.’ He murmurs – to what exactly he is referring, Seungwan doesn’t really know, but she also doesn’t particularly care at the moment. She makes sure that her bag sit well on her right shoulder and sprints to the Eastern building, where she knows that she would find her crush, the latter’s brother, and probably the younger brother as well, if Sehun didn’t beg off under some false pretence.

He probably couldn’t, because Joohyun continues watching him like a hawk.

‘You’re here.’ Joohyun Bae’s expression is surprisingly unmoving as she greets the read haired bane of her Trent College existence. Seungwan doesn’t know whether she should treat her behaviour as a good sign, but she ultimately to just go with the flow for now. She’s never been much of a worrier.

‘You told me to come.’ Instead, she gives Joohyun what she thinks is her best smile, but the older girl merely sighs in exasperation. She clearly remains unimpressed.

‘Oh course I did. Leave your things on the side and follow me.’ The clip board in Joohyun’s hand looks almost threatening as the girl gestures with it to the corner of the room where all the students’ bags have been placed for the sake of convenience. Seungwan carelessly throws the bag on the ground, her eyes never leaving the older girl.

‘Done.’

Joohyun sighs again, this time with more impatience.

‘So what can you actually do? Summoning the evil doesn’t count.’

‘But just think of all the fun that we could have, showing the fire tricks during the event-‘ Joohyun’s pointed look effectively shuts Seungwan up before she can finish another one of her lame jokes. This is the president’s territory and she clearly isn’t about to waste time on useless bickering. ‘What are the options?’ The read head adds quickly, her small voice ending up being unnaturally high pitched.

In all the time that Seungwan has known the president, today certainly feels different. The singer doesn’t know whether it is because they finally meet on Joohyun’s territory, or whether the brunette has decided to change her attitude towards the red head. Either way, it feels slightly more intimidating than Seungwan is accustomed to.

Truth be told, Seungwan only ever likes riling Joohyun up so much because of how easy the girl is to tease. In other words, the red head is all talk and no real bite. That, and the mischief in her actions and words is the only thing that the older girl reacts to and Seungwan really wants her attention to remain on herself.

The red head doesn’t really know if she would be able to handle the sudden shift of power in their strange dynamics.

‘You can paint the posters with team S. Lord knows that they need a divine intervention if they are going to finish them all by this Saturday.’ The brunette drawls, sending the group working next to them a sharp look of contempt. The venom is clearly meant to be heard, and has a few of the members duck and blush in shame, as they try to make up for their slow pace with newly found energy. ‘And where is Yixing? He was supposed to be helping out since after lunch.’

‘He had been here until three o’clock.’ One of the girls finally meets the president’s eye long enough to convey the message. ‘He should be coming in shortly. He said he had something to take care of.’

Joohyun nods once in acknowledgement, before looking back at Seungwan, expectantly. The latter frowns, not understanding.

‘What?’ She asks, confused. Joohyun scoffs.

‘Are you going to get down to it or not? I don’t have all the time in the world.’ The older means her words to sound annoyed, but the nervousness and tension that they carry easily sips through. Joohyun is terribly, terribly anxious, that much quickly becomes clear to Seungwan. For some reason, the picnic seems like an important event; so important, in fact, that Joohyun would risk Seungwan’s presence at the event if it meant that she would receive additional help with preparations.

Any fight that Seungwan has had in her suddenly leaves her. _There would be no messing with Joohyun’s head today._

‘I can probably try, but it might all go to pot. I’ve never really been good at drawing.’ She shrugs, puffing her cheeks – the childhood habit a sign of uncertainty. Joohyun gives her a disapproving look.

‘You just have to colour the letters, Seungwan. It’s not rocket science.’ The Christian Union has always done all their advertisements by hand. _According to Junmyeon, it shows real dedication, unlike simply printing the pages off_ , is what Sehun says.

Speaking of Sehun.

‘Where’s your brother?’ Seungwan chimes in, looking around. On the contrary to what has just been said, the red head is still standing there, having no intention of picking up a brush – certainly not in the immediate future.

‘I told you to stay away from Junmyeon.’

‘God, I meant Sehun. You have too many brothers, honey.’ Seungwan cannot help but send Joohyun a greasy grin, the action which has Joohyun huff.

‘Please, stop taking the Lord’s name in vein in my presence. And I don’t know where Sehun is. He should be here already, but he’s obviously not. Shouldn’t you be more knowledgeable about his whereabouts? He is clearly preferential to your company over even his own family’s.’

Seungwan has no response to that, and neither is she given time to think of any, seeing how Joohyun storms away the moment after. Her twin brother calls for her help with the location planning and that forces the red head to turn around and approach the miserable looking members of team S. She raises her hand in a lazy wave. She recognises a few faces, although she’s not really on speaking terms with any of the students.

She’s easy-going, though, so she’s going to try.

‘I’m Seungwan. What do you need me to do?’

 

Joohyun has placed Seungwan in a group working as far away from herself as possible, and the singer has no doubt that it was purposely done. People painting by her side are not exactly on the chatty side and with all those chorals softly playing in the background, putting her own earphones on would probably be frowned upon. That leaves Seungwan with longingly staring at the brunette working across the room from her and it certainly doesn’t help the former’s hand-eye coordination.

Some twenty minutes and three unevenly coloured posters later, Seungwan is about done with Christianity.

Bored out of her mind and put in an alarming state of catatonic lethargy, she nearly jumps up when she feels a hand on her shoulder.

‘What a surprise to see you here.’ She turns around to see Yixing Zhang smiling down at her. She blinks and reluctantly returns the smile.

‘Hi. Yeah. I’m pretty gobsmacked myself, if I’m to be honest.’ Her blank expression prompts him to chuckle lowly.

‘It’s never too late to turn to God.’ He responds, rolling up his own sleeves and sitting next to her. He then takes a thinner brush and attempts to subtly even out the messy lines of the singer’s lettering, although it is probably way too late to save this disaster in the making. A comfortable silence follows.

Turning to God is probably the last thing on Seungwan’s mind right now, but she’s not about to burst the secretary’s bubble. For the most part, he’s too kind for her delightful display of sarcasm.

‘Did you and Sehun come together?’ Seungwan asks Yixing, spotting her friend rearranging his own bag in the corner of the room. Catching her eye, he merely nods at her before approaching his twin siblings. Seungwan thinks that she hears a soft murmur of Junmyeon’s lecture on punctuality.

‘I ran into him at the entrance of the building just now.’ Yixing supplies, before turning to where Sehun has been roped into preparing the decorations for the event. The older boy sighs. ‘Although I’m afraid that he doesn’t like me very much.’

‘If it is indeed so, I’m sure that it happens merely by association.’ Seungwan makes a sympathetic face. That’s all that she can muster, considering all that she knows about Sehun. She’s certainly not about to comfort people who make her friend miserable.

‘You must be right.’ Yixing quietly concurs, and lowers his head to the project at hand once again. They have worked in relative peace for a good while, when a shadow appears, looming over them for a few seconds before the pair raises their eyes. It’s Joohyun.

‘Yixing, I didn’t realise that you’ve come back.’ She’s all pretty smiles, looking at the boy and completely ignoring Seungwan. That doesn’t prevent the latter from openly staring and immediately losing concentration - and consequently, staining the drawing in front of her with the excess of yellow paint.

‘Hi. I had to step out for a little while, sorry about that. We’ll finish this up before Sunday, though, I promise.’ The secretary looks up briefly, sending Joohyun a somewhat forced smile and focusing back on his work.  That doesn’t discourage the president in the slightest.

‘I’m certain that you will, but the team’s delay is not your fault to begin with, so don’t take it to heart.’

‘Well, now that I’ve joined, I intend to see it through until the end.’ He corrects himself, leaving Joohyun with nothing to say.

Yixing continues drawing. Joohyun continues fidgeting by his side. Seungwan continues staring.

‘Could I see you outside for a moment? I have something that I would like to ask you. _Privately_.’ The emphasis placed on the last word is the only acknowledgement that the red head will probably get in this situation. The secretary’s hand stills above the paper, but he quickly collects himself and nods.

‘Sure. Lead the way.’

As soon as the door closes behind them, baffled Sehun appears by Seungwan’s side.

‘You’re seriously something else. Are you planning on hanging around here more often from now on? Because I need time to get used to my two worlds colliding.’

‘What’s the deal with your sister and Yixing?’ Seungwan disregards her friend’s statement entirely and gets straight to the point of her interest. She’s eying the entrance, intrigued.

‘Beats me.’ The boy eventually responds, his gaze moving the door as well. ‘For all I know, she’s trying to talk the poor chap into yet another charity project. He’ll end up completely overwhelmed.’

‘Well, it looked to me like she was chatting him up. First in the canteen and now here. And it was bloody awkward, if you ask me.’

Sehun shrugs.

‘Brilliant.’ He snickers, completely disinterested in the topic. ‘As I said, I don’t know and I don’t care.’ He looks at his friend’s handiwork. ‘What in the world is that?’ He points to the picture.

‘A banana?’ Seungwan responds innocently, but there is mirth dancing in her eyes.

‘Why would you feel the need to draw a banana on a poster advertising a Christian picnic?’

‘I don’t know?’

‘Try again.’

‘Ok, then. Because I’m an incorrigible spawn of Satan, who enjoys drawing objects of ambiguous meaning on religious posters. Better now?’

‘At least it’s not a complete lie.’ Sehun points out to the corner where Seungwan has watched Joohyun work all along. ‘I suggest that you ask my sister if you can join the cooking team instead. You’re good at it. Well, _better_ than you’ll even be at drawing, anyway.’

‘Oh, do you think that would work?’

‘As long as you don’t disrupt the preparations, she’ll probably take any help. She’s been going frantic over this the entire day.’

‘Yeah, she does seem on edge.’ Seungwan agrees, picking up on the change of topic.

‘Junmyeon told me last night that our parents are coming to the picnic next Sunday.’ Sehun breathes out his response, his voice subconsciously becoming lower. The red head turns to him, not really comprehending the underlying meaning, but he offers nothing else and she doesn’t press.

She might not understand what would prompt Joohyun to react so strongly to her parents’ sudden visit, but she does get what it signifies for Sehun. She puts a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it lightly.

‘Do you want me to be your girlfriend again?’ She looks at him in worry. He actually breaks out in laughter.

‘No, thanks. I think that our first break up explicitly taught me not to get involved with you ever again.’ She giggles as well, glad that she’s lifted his mood. ‘And anyway, that act wouldn’t slide the second time around. You’re too red and have too much attitude now. Plus, I’m pretty sure that either Junmyeon or Joohyun has already told them about your _unhealthy_ interest in the same sex.’

‘Yikes.’ Is Seungwan’s only comment. ‘Well, if it gets too much, you know where to find me. I’ll embrace you will all the lesbian love that I can muster.’ She makes an exaggerated kissy face at him, aiming for his left cheek.

‘I hope you don’t expect me to break down and cry at your mushy confession.’ He deadpans, his outstretched arm preventing the girl from approaching him any further. ‘Thanks, though.’ He adds quietly, before clearing his throat. ‘Joohyun is back. I’ll take over here; you ask her about the cooking part. I don’t know what it is about Christian picnics, but they always need all the cake that they can get.’

Seungwan catches Joohyun just as the latter returns to her station in the corner of the room. The brunette looks extremely upset, a blush refusing to leave her cheeks. All the signs spell _humiliation_ , the singer notices. One look at Yixing confirms her theory – utterly uncomfortable is probably the most accurate description of the boy’s expression. 

Seungwan briefly wonders what exactly happened between the couple on the corridor just now.

‘Joohyun.’ The red head announces herself, and the president turns around.

‘What.’ She snaps, taking everyone - but mostly herself – by surprise. She takes a deep, calming breath, before trying again. ‘What is it?’

‘Gee, enough with all the loving. You’re seriously spoiling me.’ Seungwan deadpans.

‘Is there a reason why you came here? Other than to annoy me, that is? I thought I made it clear that you were to help with the posters.’ Joohyun’s entire being screams _angry_ , but the red head takes it in stride. She’s had many months to learn the art of letting go with Joohyun Bae.

‘Actually, I don’t think that I’m cut out for that.’ Both her and Joohyun’s eyes briefly wander to Yixing and Sehun, who are trying their best to improve the drawing that she has just been working on. ‘On the other hand, Sehun just informed me that you need volunteers for the cooking team. I’m a decent cook, but an even better baker.’

‘ _You_ know how to bake.’ Joohyun frowns, looking at the other girl in disbelief.

‘Why of course I do. My mother isn’t running a baking empire for nothing.’

‘Your mother’s business skills have nothing to do with your being able to produce a high quality, nutritious pastry.’

‘Well, in my case, it does. We bake together all the time.’ Seungwan insists. _That’s pretty much the only activity that we engage in when she actually bothers to remember about me._ But the singer doesn’t add the last part.

‘…If you somehow manage to poison us all, Seungwan Son, I won’t leave you alone. You have my word. It has to be perfect.’ Despite the threat, Joohyun visibly deflates. She moves away, making room for the other girl to sit down.

‘So what’s the plan?’ Seungwan pulls the clip board closer before the older girl has a chance to react. What greats the former is a jumble of words and a random assortment of foods. The red head frowns and looks back to the president. ‘That’s it?’

‘These are just initial ideas. I was about to start preparing the menu in detail when you interrupted me.’ Joohyun refuses to meet the singer’s eye, but her cheeks redden again, this time in embarrassment.

‘Well then, what did you want to put down here?’

‘Well, you know… Sandwiches and such… Cake.’ A prolonged silence that follows has Seungwan’s lips split in a wide, teasing grin.

‘In other words, you have no idea what you’re going to serve your holy congregation.’ Seungwan laughs, wiggling her eyebrows at Joohyun.

‘Stop calling it a holy congregation.’ The older girl scoffs. ‘ And I’m in control of the situation. It’s just that our Union’s resident baker graduated last year. It’s my first time preparing everything by myself, so of course I can get confused.’

‘Well I could help, then… but only if you ask me nicely.’

The two girls engage in a brief staring contest, during which the read head continues to grin stupidly, and Joohyun’s expression hardens.

‘Is this another one of you emotional blackmails?’ The latter finally voices out. ‘Because I resent that. I can find somebody else if I really want to.’

‘All I’m saying is that I want you to be nicer to me. So far I haven’t really felt any of your Christian love or kindness. Ask me nicely and I’ll help you.’

‘Well, you have never exactly given me any reason to shower you with affection.’ Joohyun bites back, immediately pursing her lips in regret of her outburst. She has allowed herself to be provoked by the other girl’s arrogant behaviour far too many times for her own liking.

‘Whoa. So the Queen B does know the meaning of sarcasm. I’m impressed. You had me worried for a second there.’ Seungwan’s delighted chatter is slowly drawing more and more attention to their table and Joohyun sends the red head a look of contempt.

‘Oh, shut it. What do you want me to do? Do you want me to beg you? I certainly won’t.’ She hisses. Seungwan shrugs, her expression turning serious.

‘Just ask nicely.’

Joohyun send the other a long look, probably trying to gauge the true intentions behind her request, but eventually gives in when she can’t seem to detect mockery.

‘Seungwan Son, would you be so kind to take over the cooking duties for the event? The Christian Union could really use your help.’

‘Only the Christian Union?’ The singer raises her eyebrows, not backing down.

‘ _I_ could use your help.’ Joohyun adds in exasperation. Seungwan regards her for a few moments, before breaking in a lazy, self satisfied grin.

‘Sure, why not.’ She chirps as if she didn’t just step all over the president’s pride. The older girl quickly realises that she’s been had. Again.

‘So what do you think that we should prepare? There aren’t many people that I can assign to helping you so it must be something that we can handle.’

‘No worries. I’ll get back to you on the menu by tomorrow.’ Before Joohyun has a chance to stop her, Seungwan rips the page out of the clip board. The older girl cringes.

‘It’s a clipboard for a reason, you know.’

‘Yeah, I never understood its purpose.’ Seungwan winks and the brunette turns away, looking annoyed, before snapping back up, the meaning of the words downing on her. She sees the singer get up from her seat.

‘Wait, and what do you mean by tomorrow? Just where do you think that you’re going now? There is no time to waste.’ The president stands up as well, frustration marring her otherwise gorgeous features.

‘Fear not, sweet cakes. It’s not like we were gonna churn up all that nosh this very instant. Let me sleep on it so I have the time to come up with something without you breathing down my neck. Unless you want to, then you’re more than welcome, of course.’ The grease in Seungwan’s voice has Joohyun take a tentative step back.

‘I don’t know if I can trust you.’ The latter argues her case.

‘Well, I guess you’re just going to have to take a leap of faith with this one.’ Seungwan smirks. ‘Seriously though, I’ll come through, so don’t worry. I’ll bring you the menu tomorrow, and we can discuss the details, holding hands like the good Christian Union members that we are.’

‘You’re not a member of the Union.’ Joohyun refutes, lips pursing in distaste.

‘Well, I guess I am now.’ Seungwan laughs, making little of the president’s opposition. ‘Gotta bounce now, my songs won’t sing themselves. By the way, I’m borrowing Sehun. Because the bass won’t play itself, either.’

‘Sehun has other responsibilities here.’ Joohyun murmurs, displeased, but the storm that is Seungwan has always crossed the room, in search of her belongings.

Both girls look around the room, but fail to spot the said boy.

‘Where is Sehun?’ Seungwan approaches Yixing for information, once she’s made sure that her friend is indeed missing. Yixing looks at her with an unreadable expression, so different from his usual pleasant façade.

‘He’s decided to take an early leave.’ The older boy gives a forlorn answer, resuming his work.

If Seungwan expects him to elaborate on the subject, she soon realises that she isn’t going to get anything more. So she leaves for her band practice, sincerely hoping that Sehun’s patience wearing thin is all that there is to it and that she’ll find her friend where they said that they would meet.

Because she honestly cannot imagine what else could be happening in the boy’s head.

 

 

 

 

_Dear God, what do You think is more important, love or friendship? Because I don’t know anymore._


	5. I know, they know, everybody knows

‘This better be bloody good. The bell is gonna go off any moment and I can’t afford to be late again, you know that.’

Seungwan is heaving – her entire silhouette bent over, her hands on her knees for better support. Her class starts in a few moments and yet here she is, running all the way from the girls’ dormitory towards their little hangout place behind the gym, when she could – and should - be slowly making her miserable way towards the Social Sciences classroom.

All in the name of a good gossip.

‘So? What is it?’ The red head girl looks to Tao who has started it all. It was his _Have News. Gym Now_ that prompted her, along with the rest of the company, to go that extra mile and get out of bed, when they could as well just ignore the message altogether and spend those five more minutes in a deep slumber.

She is the last one to arrive and having taken a quick look at her friends’ faces, she gathers that they have all already heard whatever it is that the guitarist has to say. The boys’ expressions oscillate from amused (Jongin and Tao), to bewildered (Chanyeol), to _bloody bollocks, is this what I was dragged here for?_ (Sehun).

So all in all, Seungwan doesn’t really know what to expect.

‘Hear this. The word on the corridor is that Saint Joohyun approached Yixing Zhang yesterday after class.’ Tao chirps, his eyebrows all wiggly. Jongin just snickers quietly by his side. The girl frowns, the lack of comprehension drawing thick on her façade.

‘Yeah, so? I was there, I saw them. Sehun saw them.’ She adds, nodding towards her peer, who in his usual fashion is idly plucking the ever offensive weed from between the pavement bricks. Called out, the boy doesn’t even care to look. ‘They went out for a while and came back sorta flustered.’

‘Yeah, and there was a bloody good reason for that, too. Joohyun asked the poor lad out, but he refused.’

Tao makes a dramatic pause for a bigger effect, but they all know that he cannot contain himself for too long. Soon, both his and Jongin’s robust chuckling interrupts the dead silence around them. Chanyeol looks somewhat uncomfortable as his eyes dart between Sehun’s passive expression and Seungwan’s frozen one.

‘Joohyun… chatting Yixing up? Whom did you hear that from? You’re seriously off your rail with this one, Tao.’ Seungwan bursts out laughing, even though there is no real reason to. She has witnessed it herself, after all – the older girl’s clumsy ways of trying to capture the secretary’s attention and engage him in a flirtatious banter. The red head remembers noticing how unskilled the president’s attempts were and clearly, the former was right – Yixing neither appreciated not welcomed the affection.

But more importantly, Joohyun’s interest in her Union colleague seemed so sudden, so painfully awkward, that it didn’t seem genuine at all.

‘Oh, come on, Wan.’ Tao gets all defensive at the dismissing tone of his friend’s voice. Because he doesn’t like getting his thunder stolen, especially when it comes to juicy rumours overheard at the corridor that might not even be entirely accurate. ‘I know you live your life convinced that  Joohyun Bae secretly wants you, but for those of us that are not delusional enough to join you in this ride to the loony land, this makes perfect sense. I mean, just imagine being her. School, God, Union. School, God, Union. Rinse and repeat. Being this repressed – in every way - can’t be good for you. At some point, you’d go randy for anyone. Even a bloke like Yixing Zhang.’

Sehun, who in his boredom has moved on to extracting moss from the lower part of the gym’s wall with a piece of rock he’s found lying around, hits the wall a little too hard, and the dull sound ends up resonating among them, briefly drawing their attention to the fact that the boy is still with them.

The group looks away in favour of continuing the interrupted conversation.

‘Bollocks.’ Seungwan refutes her friend’s elaborated theory regarding Joohyun’s supposed concealed desires. And not only because of her own amorous intentions.

No, Seungwan has spent enough time blatantly ogling the Union’s president to be able to tell that until most recent time, the latter has harboured absolutely no interest in Yixing. Granted, the red head doesn’t spend all the time by the other girl’s side, but it’s hardly plausible that Joohyun be actively flirting with the secretary in the presence of God and then completely ignore the boy outside of their Christian mission. No, the president must have had an ulterior motive behind her behaviour and Seungwan is not delusional enough to believe that Joohyun is doing it on her account.

And even if, it is definitely not to make Seungwan jealous. More like to spite her.

But in Tao’s opinion, the red head’s divagations prove nothing.

‘Let’s ask Sehun; he has no choice but to stick with them like a piece of spoilt gum all day long. Is your big sister hot for Yixing or what?’ Tao looks at his fellow band mate, expecting a confirmation of his extravagant theories, but that’s when Sehun abruptly abandons his Sisyphean activity, stands up from the pavement and having quickly brushed his backside off, motions at the school building.

‘Don’t know, don’t care. Let’s get going, I can’t be late for Calculus.’ Then he leaves, not really waiting for anyone.

‘Hey. Hey!’ Tao grabs his own bag and runs after his classmate, throwing a quick _later_ over his shoulder. The rest follows suit.

‘Sehun really don’t like Yixing, does he?’ Seungwan observes as she walks alongside Chanyeol, who has his own class to get to.

‘Seems so.’ Chanyeol replies quietly, shrugging. The frown marring his forehead tells the girl that he’s busy making sense of something that he’s noticed, and there is no point probing further, because he is not ready to share his observations just yet.

But it’s there, and it’s enough to confirm Seungwan’s uneasy suspicion.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Dear God, I did it._

_Well, not exactly_ that _, but I was alarmingly close and this really needs to stop. I feel the sin weighing down my shoulders and I keep looking around in anxiety, half expecting the entire school population to see it written on my forehead. Although in the sea of sinners, yet another one doesn’t really stand out, I suppose._

_Then again, not that I want to compare myself or anything, but my crime is not that grave when You think about it. And unlike them, I’m really striving to correct myself. So You should probably take interest in those other people first._

_But I digress._

_As far as I’m concerned, Seulgi has been doing everything that I asked her to. Her uniform skirt is even longer than the school regulations indicate – the whole 21 inches. It looks appropriately modest and I shouldn’t be complaining, except that I must, because her calves still seem too enticing for my own good. Not only her legs, but even her… well, other covered parts that I probably shouldn’t mention in Your presence._

_So two nights ago, I walked my girlfriend back to her dormitory and we shared a good night kiss, and then my hand just slid down_ there _, squeezing the soft flesh lightly and Seulgi_ moaned _. It was a quiet sound, but I’m certain that she did. Imagine this, she moaned at my touch. Then I snapped back to reality and abandoned her at the threshold in haste. But since You are aware of everything, You probably knew this. You know that I left as soon as I realised what was happening._

_Because this shouldn’t be happening. Heavens only know what we might do the next time we see each other, so I’ve been avoiding her. I think she’s upset and I don’t know how to explain to her that we’ve committed a major sin._

_Not as big as those other sinners at our school, though, but You know what I mean._

_I don’t know what to do. For the time being, I shall schedule an additional prayer session. It will be for the best for all of us._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Joohyun Bae’s patience is really wearing thin today and it’s not even a novelty.

When the former president of their Union graduated last year, Joohyun wasted no time putting forward her own candidature, simply because she felt that she truly deserved the position. She had always worked hard for the betterment of the school community and excelled academically, as well as socially. She had the personality of a leader and a grand gesture of a friend. She’d always been a person that evoked warm feelings in others and it didn’t surprise anyone that she was elected almost unanimously.

Their father had probably expected the spot to go to Junmyeon, his clear favourite, but Joohyun has always thought that her twin is too uptight and radical to attract followers. A congregation, however small, always needs to be ruled by a strong hand; but that same hand needs to wear a glove of kindness and empathy, otherwise it will be rejected. So all in all, Junmyeon just couldn’t become the new face of the Union, and it actually wasn’t particularly hard to persuade him to drop his sudden power hungry quest.

Either way, she’s made her twin her vice president – she’s come to have some use of him, while keeping his arduous ambition contained.

Joohyun Bae has always been eager and ready to help those that need her assistance – unfortunately, sometimes it is rather difficult when those same people are either unaware of their own problems, or worse, outright reject the helping hand. That’s when it gets particularly annoying, but she always tries her best to endure; after all, the Lord never said that it would be easy to spread his Word among the sinners.

‘You’re unusually quiet today.’ Joohyun is seated in the front row, with her head half turned to the back of the hall and diligently observing the gathering for any signs of disruption of the upcoming service. She sends one of the girls in the fourth row a condemning look – Joohyun instinctively knows who proves to be continuously noisy – and the girl blushes in shame.

Of course.

‘Am I? Sorry.’ Seulgi shrugs, looking down on her lap. Joohyun properly faces her best friend.

‘No need to apologise. I was merely curious whether there was something wrong.’ The other girl opens and closes her mouth several times, eventually unable to utter a word. Joohyun frowns in genuine concern. ‘You know that you can tell me.’

‘I wouldn’t want to worry you. You’re having enough of a day today as it is.’ Seulgi sends Joohyun a pitying look, which the later recognises in an instant; mostly, because she’s been receiving them all day long and it’s becoming tiring, not really understanding what they mean.

‘I’m fine. Just tell me, perhaps I can help.’ The president urges and her friend relents.

‘I-I think that Junmyeon doesn’t like me anymore.’ She whispers, her tone so low that the president needs to lean in closely to be able to make out the words. She sees the redness on her best friend’s cheeks.

‘What makes you think that?’ Joohyun replies in an equally hushed voice, wary of being overheard. Perhaps it is not the best idea to discussed something so private with so many students around, but it was the brunette that asked first, and it looks like her friend might not open up to her again. The girl has always been shy and very proper; it was, in fact, one of the reasons for which she was bound to attract the attention of somebody like the president’s twin brother.

‘I haven’t really seen him in two days. And the last time I did, he- He practically ran away from me. Just now I tried to approach him again, but he merely nodded and turned back to his preparations at the altar. I know that he’s been praying for me, for _us_ , a lot and I got an impression that he thinks that I’m… making him stray off the right path.’ Seulgi’s voice gets more urgent with every word voiced out and it doesn’t take being her best friend to notice that she’s close to tears. ‘Am I doing that, Joohyun? Do you think that Satan has found a home in me? Do I need more prayer? I want to be strong for him.’

Joohyun’s frown becomes deeper at the question, until she tsks in displeasure.

‘I think that Junmyeon became too caught up in his self imposed moral code. Don’t worry, after service I will talk to him for you. You’re not doing anything wrong, that much I’m certain of. My brother tends to overreact sometimes, but that’s his problem; it has nothing to do with you. You need to accept that, but you also need to know when to stop him before it gets too much. I’m sure it’s just one of his temporary insanities.’

Just then, the door to the chapel opens a tad bit too loud and several pairs of eyes, including Joohyun’s, turn to see what the commotion is all about.

_Seungwan Son, figures._

‘Don’t worry.’ Joohyun pats Seulgi’s shoulder in reassurance and the other girl nods weekly, not entirely convinced by the speech, but not wanting to object to it, either. ‘It’s nothing major.’

Just then, the red head appears in front on them, dragging Sehun behind her in a familiar fashion. The mood immediately turns awkward – it was uncomfortable enough the first time Seungwan crossed the threshold of the hall two days ago, but right now the tension could be cut with a knife. Joohyun is already irked with the singer as it is, but this time there are more issues at hand. Her own problems with Yixing, who is seated at the far corner of their bench and pretends that he doesn’t notice any of them, for one; Sehun’s permanently bored expression that Joohyun knows is not really boredom, but hurt and general annoyance; Seulgi’s distress with Junmyeon.

Joohyun feels an impending headache, but she really can’t afford one right now.

‘What’s hanging, guys?’

‘Nothing is _hanging_ , Seungwan. And you can’t sit here. We’re full.’ Joohyun said straight off the bat and Seungwan’s eyes dart to the side, taking in the virtually empty bench.

‘…I see. Well, I just came to say hello and to remind you of our date after this.’ The red head really doesn’t want to grin too hard, but she can’t help herself. ‘Sehun wants to sit at the back, so we will be there, listening attentively.’

Joohyun almost rolls her eyes at the statement.

‘It’s not a date – and I hope you did prepare the menu I asked for and are not going to waste my precious time. As for my brother, it would be good if he could sit with his family every once in a while, for the Lord to see.’ Although the president refers to Sehun in third person, she is looking at him directly. It doesn’t come across as stern as she wants it to; instead, it feels more like a quiet plea.

‘What for? It’s not like God can’t see right through hypocrites.’ Sehun bites back with far more resentment that he probably intended to, and Joohyun, who has thought all along that nothing he said could faze her anymore, is left feeling mildly hurt.

He’s not there to witness her change of expression, though, for he leaves before his words have had a chance to sink in. Seungwan follows the boy with her eyes, clearly concerned, and ultimately rushes to catch up with him, sparing Joohyun one apologetic glance that the president doesn’t really know how to interpret. She purses her lips, now upset for good.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seungwan thinks this is what hell must  feel like. For her, it’s not really pain or torture, or even loneliness. No, her personal hell have always been long periods of inactivity and boredom.

Presbyterian service seems to incorporate both. 

Tuesday was not so bad, since everything was new to her, and swiftly wrapped up within the span of half an hour. Today, however, appears to follow an entirely different order. They did pray a little at first (and Seungwan earnestly tried to repeat whatever she could), but the moment the pastor told them to sit down and make themselves comfortable, the red head realised that something was going terribly wrong.

That was forty minutes ago.

Seungwan is dying to just stand up and leave, but she knows she can’t. The pastor’s sharp eyes dart around the room as he talks about _the Christian responsibility that we should all take for one another_ , and the singer wouldn’t put it past him to call her out in front of everyone and put her back in her place. Not to mention, Joohyun would probably never look at her again, not even with contempt.

Sehun is seated next to her - his gaze fixed on something ahead of him, his breathing very even -  and Seungwan just knows that he’s in fact dozing off; it’s just that he’s long mastered the difficult art of sleeping with one’s eyes opened. More often than not, it also comes in handy during their long History lectures and a part of the red head is actually impressed.

Some of the students around them don’t look any better – a few has apparently decided to treat the service as the perfect time to reenergise and take a nap; some are praying, or contemplating life in general; some, similarly to Seungwan, look around uneasily, their skin itching for some activity. The only people who remain concentrated seem to sit in the first row. The red head can’t exactly see their faces, but the four of them look at the preacher, nodding every now and then in attention, with Junmyeon leaning in further with what can’t be anything other than diligent excitement.

Sehun is still sleeping and Seungwan is about to go crazy.

She touches her companion’s elbow delicately, as not to jolt him awake in an abrupt manner and he blinks a few times before slowly turning to her, the lack of comprehension hazing his vision.

‘Is this a sermon or a hostage situation?’ She whispers to him, her voice hoarse. She suddenly feels inexplicably dizzy, as if those long forty minutes of sitting still have really taken their toll on her. Maybe they did, actually. She’s mentally exhausted.

‘It’s always like that when they send pastor Jones.’ Sehun fights a big yawn. ‘The two closest Presbyterian parishes are on Banks Road and Marian Maiden Way, and their preachers are assigned to help with the service and counselling here at Trent. They are supposed to have a rotational schedule, but in reality whoever is going to be in charge of the service remains a mystery until the last moment.’

‘Are you having a laugh?’ Seungwan looks at her companion is disbelief. 

‘No joke. It’s always been a major cock up, but I guess my siblings hadn’t been aware of it until they practically took over the club. Now Joohyun stays clear of it and Junmyeon has no other choice but to deal with it himself.’ That would explain why Joohyun, with all her OCD and controlling urges, remains inexplicably calm in the face of this havoc. However…

‘I’m assuming that your brother is bonkers over it, then?’

‘No, actually. Well, he does tend to whine about it every once in a while, but I think it’s more fishing for compliments on his part. As if his ego needed any more stroking.’

‘Is this finishing any time soon? Because I need to go to the loo. Not to mention, if I’m forced to sit still like this for much longer, I might just run out of here screaming.’

‘Humph.’ The boy muses, appearing to briefly focus on the preacher’s lecture. ‘Oh, I know. Looks like we’re about done.’

‘Really? How do you know?’ Seungwan frowns in curiosity.

‘It’s easy, because his teachings are always the same. Listen closely - he’s already at the part where he’s condemning murderers and thieves. All that’s left are homosexuals and satanic rock music, and then they’ll take a break for tea and biscuit before the choir performance.’

‘You’re pulling my leg, aren’t you?’ The girl slits her eyes, trying to decide if she can believe her companion. Sehun shrugs innocently.

‘Tune in to find out for sure.’

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

‘That was actually better than I expected.’ Seungwan says after the choir has finished their chants. The service finished just as Sehun predicted, the exact way that he predicted. Seungwan made a beeline for the toilet and emerged some minutes later, only to approach the refreshment table and stupidly consume an indecent amount of sponge cake. Sehun is standing by the side, observing her in mild amusement.

 _There’s a reason why nobody touches that sponge cake_ , he warned her before but Seungwan didn’t care. She doesn’t pride herself in her iron cast stomach for nothing.

‘It usually is, actually.’ Sehun agrees, his eyes on the group of people gathered across the room.

‘Come to think of it, I’ve never heard you sing. I thought your siblings always try to rope you into anything that they can think of.’ Sehun snickers, not taking his eyes off the object of his interest.

‘They do love torturing me, but they are not masochists. You see, musical talent doesn’t exactly run in our family. The first and only time I was pushed to perform in the parish choir, about a hundred people decided to change their religion.’ Seungwan guffaws. ‘And the school’s choir is good, because the former president went to great lengths to ensure the quality, as she herself has a rather pleasant vibrato.’

‘Oh, yeah. Taeyeon, right? I’ve heard her sing before.’

Sehun nods.

‘Joohyun can’t sing to save her life, though, so Yixing is in charge of that lot now, with Junmyeon breathing down his neck every rehearsal. He loves to give his opinions, especially about stuff that he has no business in.’

Seungwan follows her friend’s line of vision, taking in the sight of the secretary calmly tuning in his guitar and the vice president, excitedly explaining something to him and tapping the page of a songbook for better effect. She imagines that their friendship must be a real test of patience sent straight from Heaven – and probably for both of them, too.

‘Listen, about Yixing-‘

 ‘Seungwan.’ The singer turns around and notices Joohyun several feet away, with an expectant expression on her face. ‘I have a moment now, so let’s sit down and look through your cooking ideas.’

‘Er, just a second.’ But Joohyun is having none of that stalling.

‘I don’t have a second. I want you to come here and enlighten me as to how you’re planning on feeding 250 people next Sunday. And you better have a plan B, in case something goes wrong, like it usually does with you.’ The president doesn’t wait for Seungwan – she makes her way to the round table in the other corner of the room, taking a seat on a red, wobbly chair.

‘You heard her, _she wants me_.’ Distracted from the originally intended topic, Seungwan giggles shortly, wiggling her eyebrows at Sehun. He merely rolls his eyes and walks away without commenting on the singer’s delusional ideas.

‘Took you long enough.’ The president looks at the other girl in exasperation, the notorious clipboard already in her hands.

‘But I’m definitely worth the wait.’ Seungwan grins and Joohyun rolls her eyes, making her own resemblance to her younger brother truly uncanny. The latter gestures at the list in front of her, prompting the younger to return to the topic at hand and the red head clears her throat, smiling sheepishly.

‘I’ve brought a list. Mind taking a look at it first?’ She suggests, passing the other the sheet that she had merely folded and put into her denim’s pocket, but that ended up looking like something chewed on it and spit it out. Judging from Joohyun’s expression, she harbours suspicions of similar nature.

‘You have an awful handwriting, Seungwan.’ The older scowls. ‘How on Earth do any of the teachers understand these scribbles?’

‘Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t. The upside is, they are always reluctant to take away points for something that is potentially not even there.’ The red head laughs at her own joke and Joohyun rolls her eyes again. She probably shouldn’t be doing this in the temple of God, but she’s very certain that if God met Seungwan, He’d more than understand Joohyun’s behaviour.

‘All of your suggestions sound very fancy. How do you expect us to produce Apricot-Prosciutto Focaccia?  And what exactly _is_ that? It seems expensive and we are on a strict budget.’

‘Oh, no worries. They are just sandwiches on that funny thin bread that made my mother’s products famous. Not pricey at all.’ Seungwan dismisses the president’s objections. ‘The golden rule of picnic planning is that you prepare food that people can eat without using utensils. Saves them trouble and you, the hassle.’

‘So all of these vague names are…?’

‘Sandwiches, pastries, pies, dips, this sort of thing. Salads work too. You need some sort of a soup and of course, the main dish – I was thinking cold meat and roasted potatoes, since it’s still pleasant enough outside.’

‘We need cake.’ Joohyun looks at her companion unsurely, because the names on the paper tell her next to nothing.

‘Right here.’ The red head points out. ‘I’ll ring my mother about it – she’ll be so happy to hear about my attending your club, she’ll give you a good discount on bread and such.’

‘Why? Is your mother a Presbyterian?’ Joohyun asks, despite her better judgement. She really doesn’t need to know anything about Seungwan.

She already knows more than she would appreciate, actually.

‘No. She just wants me to give a shit about something for once.’ Seungwan murmurs with a light grimace forming on her face. Her words sound strangely like a direct quote from a conversation that Joohyun is definitely not privy to.

‘All right, then. Explain from the beginning, please. I need to write it all down.’ Joohyun bends her entire body to the side, retrieving her thick, black leather bound planner from the bag standing at the feet of her chair. In her haste, she doesn’t notice several objects dropping to the floor, including a pen and a page ripped out of a notebook.

Seungwan’s only intention is to help the girl pick them all up, but she ends up catching a glimpse of the message, nonetheless.

_Serves you right._

Seungwan frowns, handing it back to Joohyun. The latter snatches it away, an expression of utter humiliation passing through her face.

‘Not this again.’ She mutters, crumpling the paper in her delicate fist.

‘What was that?’ Because Seungwan can never leave something like this alone. _Obviously._

‘None of your business. Just concentrate on the menu, will you?’

‘Looks like somebody’s not that fond of you.’ The singer takes a wild guess, pressing the matter.

‘Of course they’re not. People always fear what they don’t understand and they attempt to disguise that fear with excessive use of sarcasm. Just look at yourself.’ Joohyun sends Seungwan a sour look, turning her attention back to her clipboard.

‘You don’t see me sending you hate mail.’ The read head rightfully points out, and the president sighs at the other’s persistence.

‘Yes, I’ve got a few of these today. Along with a few more funny looks at the corridor. No, I don’t know why and quite frankly, I don’t care to find out. Now, can he finally drop the subject?’

‘Humph.’ Seungwan makes a noncommittal sound, which has the older raise her head again. ‘If it’s only about today, I might have an idea.’ She admits bashfully and the president sends her a sharp look.

‘What did you do again?’ Joohyun wants to scream, but at the last moment remembers where they are and whom they are still surrounded by. Seungwan sends her an offended look.

‘Me? It’s all on you. The entire school is talking about you and Yixing.’ Seungwan voices out the defensive words before she can think better of it. All blood drains from the president’s face and she slowly stands up from her seat.

‘What do you mean..?’

‘You know, how you asked him to-‘

‘Hush!’ Joohyun hisses at her, nervously looking around. _How…? Why…?_   But either way, it seems that the milk has already been spilled. Suddenly all those unpleasant smirks and occasional consoling words that she’s been on the receiving end of the entire day start making perfect sense.

A great amount of her peers like and respect her. To the rest of the student body, though, she comes across as a, well, self involved slag, if you will.

_Just perfect. Now things got awkward with Yixing, half of the school probably pities her and the rest has a field day, watching the ever perfect president of the Christian Union trip and fall on her arse._

_And all she wanted was to impress her parents._

‘We are not done here. In the meantime, I better not catch you spreading those ugly rumours, Seungwan Son.’ Joohyun purses her lips in frustration and stalks away who knows where, in search of who knows what.

The red head only sighs, looking around for any other source of entertainment. But Sehun is gone and she doesn’t see anyone else whom she is even remotely interested in talking to, so she decides to take flight while she can.

Nobody needs her and her job here is done, anyway.

_Uh, this came out wrong._

 


	6. Too much information

Joohyun’s hands are soft, as soft as Seungwan has always imagined them to be. The older girl steps behind the singer and lets her palms fall on the latter’s shoulders, massaging them slowly. The red head cannot help but relax under the welcoming touch. She closes her eyes, relishing in the sensation.

‘You were so hot on that stage.’ Joohyun then leans in, whispering slowly right into Seungwan’s ear. ‘You got me all hot and bothered. You’re just so irresistible…’ She trails away and her hands slide lower. Seungwan’s hum turns into a quiet moan.

‘There, that’s right…’ The younger girl manages to say, her back muscles spasming in pleasure under the careful touch. It feels too good.

‘You know what else would feel good?’ Joohyun remarks at the last words that the red head involuntarily lets slip. ‘My tongue all over-‘

‘Seungwan.’

‘-all over your body. I’d start with your collarbones, and suck them until you’ve been covered with hickeys.’ Joohyun’s hand begins the light caress of the other’s neck.

‘Seungwan, come on.’

‘Then I would move to your stomach and hip bones. Your skin is so plump, I just want to kiss it until I make you all wet and needy.’ Seungwan gulps at the confession, trying not to show just how affected she is by the hand wandering lower and lower against her abdomen. ‘Then, for the grand finale, I’d go low and greedy lick your-‘

‘Seungwan Son, I swear to God! Wake up, you disgusting homosexual!’

The singer snaps her eyes open, blinking rapidly. The abrupt shaking is a harsh but efficient method of bringing her back to consciousness. She looks at Joy, who is still standing above her, the younger’s hands on her own hips in a sign of annoyance. She looks both exasperated and done with life.

‘Did you just call me a disgusting homosexual?’ Seungwan repeats dumbly, running her fingers through her thick long hair, mostly to push it away from her face. She pulls herself up to sit on the bed, her eyes puffy and unwilling to cooperate.

‘You got that right. I don’t really mind the gay part, but I do have a problem with the gross part. I don’t ever want to wake up to the sounds of you moaning Joohyun Bae’s name. Ever. Again.’ Her roommate announces, before hastily adding. ‘Scratch that - don’t moan anyone else’s name, either. The sounds that you’re making are disturbing and make me uncomfortable.’

Seungwan merely hums in acknowledgement, still dazed. It was such a great dream, though. Joohyun was praising Seungwan and her music, and found her so sexy that she was about to go down on he-

Joy snaps her thumb and middle finger right in front of the older girl’s face in attempt to keep the latter’s attention on herself. Seungwan nearly fall back down in surprise.

‘Stop spacing out and get dressed. You have 20 minutes till the bell rings. Though a quick shower wouldn’t hurt you. Uh, that was disgusting.’ The younger shudders at the memory, picking up her bag and leaving through the door, shutting it with might.

‘Says the person who submitted a dirty gay fan fiction for the school’s literary contest!’ Seungwan mindlessly shouts out, not expecting an answer, but the door suddenly opens and Joy’s head pokes back in.

‘And won it.’ She grins devilishly before disappearing again. Seungwan can only gape, mostly because the other girl’s bold comeback rings true. Joy Park always needs to have the last word, and that’s what makes her even scarier.

Seungwan makes a mental note to stop trying to challenge her, because nothing good has ever come out of it. If the 15 year old has somehow managed to persuade the head mistress that the idiotic piece of writing that is _The Adventures of Taemin and Minho_ greatly contributes to the ongoing discussion about sexuality and gender identity of contemporary teens, then she is capable of anything.

 _…But darn if it wasn’t a good dream._ Seungwan groans for the last time and gets out of bed, picking up random pieces of her uniform lying on the floor. She can just tell that she’s going to be late for her first class anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

Fridays are good for one and one reason only – all students know that as soon as they are done with school, they can look forward to two days of doing nothing. Year 12 is that pleasant stage when the schedule is packed, but no actual work is done. So weekends do take the friends’ minds off studying but before that happens, they actually need to get through all those classes first and Fridays are always the longest and the most daunting in that respect.

It’s like the teachers are taking revenge on the younger generation for all the times that they themselves have been held back on Fridays during their school days.

After her Physics class that takes place just before lunch, Seungwan finally admits to herself that she urgently needs help. She has 3 weeks before midterms and she understands nothing. So far, she’s been quite good at ignoring the problem, but she knows that there is no getting away with this one. She’ll fail for sure, the school will have to contact her parents and then she’ll really be cooked.

If they call her father, he’ll cut her allowance and make her attend extracurricular class in town. If it’s her mother, Seungwan will be sent to the military academy in the US that she’s always been threatened with. The girl used to treat those empty words lightly, but the tables turned drastically when she was virtually expelled from Oakham. The red head knows that her mother is at her wits’ end and will not hesitate to do what she thinks is right for her daughter. _Saving her from herself_ is the phrase that her parental figure has taken a special liking to.

Either way, it will mean the end of music, contact with friends and life as she knows it in general. And that prospect _is_ terrifying.

‘Baekhyun. Hey, Baekhyun!’ She calls after her classmate the moment she spots him in the crowd. He’s walking towards the canteen with Jongdae Kim, an upperclassman. Chanyeol, who’s been checking his phone all this while, stiffens and immediately looks up.

Baekhyun Byun turns around, reciprocating the girl’s wave, albeit looking a bit surprised. Seungwan quickens her steps to catch up with the two boys and her tall friend has no other choice but to hesitantly follow.

Seungwan nods at Jongdae, before turning to her classmate.

‘I was wondering if you’d be interesting in helping me with Physics. I’ll pay you, of course. The midterm is coming up and I can’t afford to blow it. My life is already hanging by the thread as it is.’

‘Well…’ Baekhyun licks his lips unsurely, clearly taken aback by the sudden offer.

‘Come to think of it, this tall oaf right here might have to join us as well.’ The girl motions at the red head drummer, who continues standing by her side, appearing totally petrified. He gasps almost inaudibly at the mention of his own name, but gives no further indication of having heard the insult that his best friend just described him with. ‘We need help - desperately. Just name your price. Anything to keep my parents off my case.’

Baekhyun stares Chanyeol up and down warily, before turning to Jongdae as if seeking his silent approval. The latter shrugs and tilts his head in a _why not?_ sort of encouragement.

‘I guess there is no harm in meeting up and seeing if we can make it work…’ The boy in question finally replies, smiling. Seungwan grins.

‘Brilliant. We’ll be the best students you’ve ever had. Since we’re desperate and all.’ They all chuckle good naturedly and part ways soon after, having exchange phone numbers.

Seungwan eventually enters the canteen, her thoughts still on the subject of tutoring, but also anxious to see if she can spot Joohyun anywhere - but the older either hasn’t come in yet, or she is otherwise occupied, which shouldn’t come as a surprise but is still disappointing. Sighing lightly to herself, she joins the queue in the cafeteria, completely missing her tall best friend’s bewildered expression and the frantic gestures that he’s been making to himself. When they sit down, the singer finally notices Chanyeol’s inner struggle.

He opens his mouth to say something, only to eventually close it again, being totally lost for words.

‘ _What was that?_ ’ Seungwan guesses out loud and the boy nods, still agitated. ‘I’m sorry, I forgot to tell you. I sat with him at lunch two days ago, it was a complete accident. We talked for like 5 seconds.’

‘5 seconds that I should have known about two days ago.’ Chanyeol eventually recovers from the shock, whining in protest. Seungwan cannot help but chuckle – Baekhyun Byun really is Chanyeol Park’s only kryptonite, even if the chances of the former ever finding out about it are close to zero. Baekhyun might be a total nerd, but he’s also pretty funny and quite popular with their female classmates. But even his apparent heterosexuality does not prevent Chanyeol from pining after him.

Seungwan briefly wonders if she’s made the right decision by bringing Chanyeol along for the tutoring sessions, because the last thing that she wants is to creep Baekhyun out with the drummer’s disturbingly longing stares. She really needs to pass her midterm.

 

 

 

 

 

Joohyun Bae and Seulgi Kang live two floors above and five rooms to the left from Seungwan, and when the latter is not busy attending class, frequenting her friends’ basements to practice with her band or bumming around behind the school gym, she likes to spend her time, lying down on her bed and staring at the ceiling, imagining different scenarios involving herself and the upperclassman. If her own roommate is present, Seungwan keeps them relatively innocent (because she swears that Joy can somehow read her mind), but when she’s out, that’s when the red head lets her mind wander.

Unfortunately for her, the younger girl is seated at her desk, getting excited over something that she has found online. She’s on the phone with Yerim, no doubt, even though her best friend lives one floor below them. Seungwan calls that the ultimate sign of laziness. Apparently, Taemin _touched_ _Minho’s elbow again_ and Minho _had that look in his eyes_ , and Seungwan badly wants to roll her own, except that mentions of physical contact bring her back to the glory that was her morning wet dream and she settles down again, forgetting all about celebrity erotica, because she has her own to re live.

If only she was allowed to go out and knock on Joohyun’s door. If only she had a reason to do so… But it’s ten o’clock and her head is empty. If she just goes and flashes the older girl her best embarrassed toothy grin, she will surely be snapped at and have the door shut in her face. Those three seconds are not even worth getting up for, in Seungwan’s humble opinion.

Then again, she’s probably feeling creepy enough to just stand at Joohyun’s door, trying to eavesdrop on what’s going on inside.

The singer makes a rapid move to get off the bed, new found energy in her step as she approaches the mirror to take a quick look at the state of her eye bags. She tries not to push the school’s strict regulations about makeup too much – seeing how the girl’s impossibly red hair has already crossed several of the head mistress’ personal limits – but it’s difficult sometimes, because it’s a fact universally acknowledged that there is no courtship without attraction, but in order for the attraction to happen, one must first get rid of those disastrous dark circles under their eyes.

Unless you are Joohyun Bae, you usually need to help the nature here and there.

‘If you’re planning on spending the night on your knees outside Joohyun’s door, can you, please, do me a favour and come back only after 7 ‘o’clock? You know that I’m a light sleeper.’ Joy calls after the older, not taking her eyes away from the photos on her laptop. Her voice seems devoid of any emotion, as if she’s reprimanding a five year old, but it doesn’t really offend Seungwan, mainly because the latter has long acknowledged her roommate’s intellectual superiority.

‘How do you know where I’m headed? I could be going to Chanyeol’s for all you know.’ Comes Seungwan’s baffled reply, mortified at being caught yet again. Joy snorts lightly and the red head can just tell that her affronted reply has just unnecessarily prolonged the conversation that the younger clearly doesn’t feel like having. Since she can see right through people and their lies only waste her precious time… and all that.

‘Please. Last time you went to see your idiot friend in a shirt that to my knowledge, had been lying underneath your bed for several weeks, and when I pointed out the smell, you told me that he would have to _suck it up_. So you understand that it’s hardly plausible you would suddenly start putting makeup on for his sake.’

‘Fine, you win. I’m gonna make a quick round and come back soon, don’t worry.’ Seungwan reassures Joy, to which the girl just shrugs.

‘I couldn’t care less. Just remember not to come back before 7. If I wake up any earlier, I’ll get cranky and I have a long day ahead.’

‘It’s Saturday tomorrow.’ Seungwan points out, feeling like she’s missing some vital information, and sure enough, Joy is quick to remind her.

‘Collective streaming of SHINee’s new video starts at 8 o’clock. Do you realise how time consuming and energy draining is simultaneously playing all those videos at five different devices? Don’t expect me out before dinner.’ Joy declares in the tone of finally that leaves Seungwan speechless. For a second or two, she actually wracks her brain for an answer to something so outrageous, before realising that there is nothing that she could possibly reply with, so she just huffs exasperated and exits the room. Joy’s gaze never leaves her favourite singers.

Fangirls.

Seungwan ascends the stairs slowly, taking her time to analyse the situation. She’s left their room on a whim and now she has absolutely no idea what to do. Is she really going to just stand outside Joohyun Bae’s door? More importantly, does she feel like annoying the older? Truth be told, the more time she spends with Joohyun, the more interest the red head loses in riling the other up. Because Joohyun Bae’s life seems more and more miserable with every minute Seungwan spends in her company and although the latter is a bit of a fuck up, she has never thought of herself as unnecessarily mean.

That, and she doesn’t really feel that she has the right to meddle in whatever is going on between the president and Seungwan’s friends. At least that’s what she tells herself.

She needn’t have worried about her situation too much, though, because the moment she arrives at the top floor of the dormitory, a dull echo of somebody’s whispered conversation reaches her ears immediately. And not just anyone’s – Joohyun Bae is on the phone, her back to Seungwan and staring out of the corridor window. She’s already changed to her baby blue cotton pyjamas.

‘-him. You’ve met his parents.’ Joohyun calmly narrates, her free hand fumbling with the curtain. The decoration has been added by the building’s administration in hopes of creating homely atmosphere, but in reality it does little more than just catch dust. ‘I’ll properly introduce him when you come next Sunday, I promise.’

There is a shuffling on the other side of the receiver – Seungwan can just about hear it because of the abnormal silence surrounding the two girls. She knows she should probably leave now, but she can’t bring herself to. So as terrible as it looks, she just continues her accidental eavesdropping.

‘I don’t know, mother. I’ve been meeting him for less than two weeks. But he’s a gentleman and a good Christian, I promise. Ask Junmyeon.’

Seungwan frowns, now completely puzzled. Joohyun is meeting somebody? But when, what about that whole affair with Yixing..?

‘Oh, all right. Good night, mother.’ Joohyun’s hand no longer strokes the curtain – now it involuntarily tightens around it. ‘Hello, father.’ She listens to the elder’s words for a moment before reply. ‘And with you. Amen.’

Seungwan slides down the wall, taking a seat just around the corner from the ongoing situation. If Alice, the dormitory rep, found her now, it would certainly mean more than just a few minus points for the red head, but she can’t bring herself to care. Instead, she just listens to the conversation intently.

‘You know Yixing, father. He and Junmyeon have been friends forever.’ Joohyun lowers her head, a sign of silent surrender. ‘Yes, sir.’ She replies to the question that Seungwan cannot hope to hear, but either way, she’s too dumbfounded to go past the fact that _Joohyun and Yixing are apparently dating now?_

When did that happen?

‘No, father… Junmyeon doesn’t want to be the president of the Union. He doesn’t need to be for us to be able to support each other. I’ve prepared everything carefully, I- Yes, yes of course. Junmyeon will lead the prayer on Sunday.’

Seungwan doesn’t really need to see Joohyun’s face to hear the bitterness in her voice.

‘Yes, Sehun has been good. He’s been attending church regularly and I think he’s trying to mend his ways.’ _Big fat lie_ , Seungwan nearly snickers out loud, but stops herself at the last moment. Sehun is as close to proclaiming his respect for the Union as Chanyeol is to dating Baekhyun Byun. ‘I’ll keep an eye on him, no need to bother yourself.’ Seungwan nearly rolls her eyes, because if this is what  Joohyun calls supervision, she’s not doing a very good job of it. In fact, the girl doesn’t seem to know the first thing about her own brother. ‘Right. Good night, father. I will see you on Sunday.’

If Seungwan had any desire to expose herself right that moment, it would certainly disappear along with Joohyun’s haste steps and rather loud sniffing. So the red head waits a moment, until she’s absolutely sure that she won’t be discovered and goes back to her own room, lost in thought.

It’s 11 o’clock and the lights are already out, but the moment Seungwan puts her foot over the threshold, she gets struck by a flying pillow.

‘I hate you so much.’ Joy declares with a loud groan, her REM phase clearly interrupted.

Oops.


	7. How many sixth form students does it take to ruin a Saturday morning?

‘What are you doing here again?’ No matter how fast Joohyun attempts to walk, it’s simply impossible to shake Seungwan Son off. The latter can easily match the rhythm of her steps despite being of a rather fragile frame.

‘I’m part of the Union now. I came to help spread the word of Lord.’ The red head reminds the president patiently, shaking his head lightly in mock disappointment.

‘You don’t know the first thing about the Lord. And that hair makes you look like a spawn of Satan. Nobody is going to take me seriously if you continue following me.’

Earlier that morning, Sehun rang Seungwan to ask whether she wanted to join the Union in their evangelic mission to indoctrinate pliable minds (his words, not Seungwan’s) and although the events of the previous night are still fresh in her memory, something in the boy’s voice told the singer that he really needed her to be there. So she got out of bed and put her most conservative clothes on. There was no getting rid of the hair colour on such a short notice, though.

Curiously thrown looks over her own shoulder seem to confirm her theory now. Sehun’s expression could match that of a stone, that’s how cold he looks right now. He refuses to look at either Junmyeon - who fails to recognise his brother’s condition and instead, carries on with a monologue about the importance of prayer, directed at no one in particular – or Yixing, who dejectedly walks on the other side of his best friend. The atmosphere between the three is quite heavy, even if the vice president isn’t really aware of it, but neither the secretary, nor Joohyun, who walks ahead of the boys, seem to in any way acknowledge each other which leads Seungwan to the only logical conclusion.

Joohyun lied to her parents.

Which means that she’s not taken, her sexuality is technically still ambiguous, the world can continue turning like it always has and Seungwan doesn’t need to throw herself to the bottom of the ocean just yet. Which is good, because the ocean is actually quite far away from Trent College, now that Seungwan thinks about it, and recovering from such a fall would surely take more than one and a half days that he has left of her weekend. Even the resurrection took three days.

Yeah, the singer has downloaded the Bible on her Samsung. Mostly out of boredom but some parts are actually more exciting than the latest Jason Statham film.

‘I can just observe and you know, _learn from the best_.’ Seungwan grins, to which Joohyun only shakes her head an sighs deeply, but she doesn’t roll her eyes. The red head takes it as a sign of getting used to Seungwan’s annoying presence. That makes her grin even harder.

‘Do something about your hair, Seungwan. I need you to be decent for the picnic. I mean it.’

‘Sure thing.’ She agrees easily and the president immediately realises that her words fell on deaf ears.

Joohyun and Junmyeon split up every time, individually approaching encountered houses - Seungwan Son sticks with the president throughout the morning, while Sehun and Yixing drag their feet behind their male leader and pretend that everything is fine and that the only thing they need to worry about is heavenly salvation.

If only.

Just before lunch, they arrive at Cunning Circus, which marks the end of the so called university student area and further leads to the city centre. Joohyun confidently crosses the concrete pavement of a miserable looking little yard and knocks on the door. The pair has been shot down quite a few times already – mostly a combination of it being Sunday morning and students aka people generally disinterested in the mysterious ways of God – so Seungwan doesn’t really count on anyone even opening the door to them, let alone listen to what the president has to say. To be perfectly honest, the latter is actually quite admirable in her persistence and unbreakable spirit. The rejection and sometimes humiliation that the Christian faces with understanding patience, Seungwan would have long reacted to with anger and frustration.

Joohyun knocks again, while her red head companion idly examines the single flower pot standing on the exterior window sill. Whoever lives here seemed to have forgone taking care of the lawn, but instead, pays particular attention to that one plant that they can apparently handle.

Finally, an Asian looking boy of average height appears at the door, clearly trying to stifle a yawn and failing badly. He sports a long t-shirt and boxers, his brownish hair sticking out in every direction possible. He looks at the two girls standing at his threshold.

‘Can I help you?’ His voice is deeper than expected, but strangely familiar. Seungwan, who until now has been standing on the side, does a double take.

‘Kyungsoo Do? You’re Kyungsoo, aren’t you?’ She asks, inspecting the boy carefully. He frowns, shifting his attention from the brunette in front of him to the red head at the back.

‘Do I know you?’

‘I’m Seungwan. Jongin’s friend from school? We met at that barbecue in Minseok’s house back in May. Or was it June…?’ Kyungsoo squints his eyes briefly before recognition downs on him.

‘Hey, you’re the girl who puts too much ketchup on everything she eats.’ He chuckles. ‘You were a lot less… _red_ back then.’

Seungwan purses her lips, feigning offense.

‘Ketchup is good for your body, ok? It’s practically a vegetable.’

‘If you say so.’ He chuckles again, sleepiness leaving him for good. He turns around, looking up to the stairs. ‘Jongin! Jong, your friends are here!’

Now, that is admittedly a twist that Seungwan couldn’t have predicted, although she probably should have, the moment she saw Kyungsoo Do at the door. Because Jongin no longer lives at the dormitory and instead, formally resides at his cousin Minseok’s house. Informally though, he spends almost 50% of that time staying the night at his boyfriend’s shared house.

Kyungsoo Do is Jongin’s boyfriend. Because, _duh_.

But before the singer has a chance to react and in anyway prevent the inevitable disaster, the heavy thud of Jongin’s running down the stairs can be heard, and he appears next to the older boy in his fully, equally dishevelled glory. He immediately catches Seungwan’s eye, his expression one of a pleasant surprise, but that lasts but a mere second. The moment he registers the other girl standing right in front of him, he freezes.

‘I swear I had no idea that Kyungsoo lived here.’ Seungwan immediately pipes in in an unnaturally high pitched voice, trying to prevent the impending disaster, but it’s of no use. Jongin doesn’t seem like he’s heard a single word. Realising the silent staring match between Jongin and Joohyun, Seungwan eventually trails away and quietens. There is nothing that she can do for either of them, because it’s not her business. Or it shouldn’t be, at least.

‘You have got some guts to come here.’ Jongin hisses eventually, leaning against the frame with his left forearm. If there would ever be the time that Seungwan could describe her usually soft spoken pink-haired friend as threatening, it would be now. Right now, taking one step towards the girls and towering above everyone present, Jongin doesn’t resemble his familiar self at all.

Judging from the way that Kyungsoo looks at his boyfriend’s ice cold gaze and angry sneer, the former is of the same opinion.

‘Jong, what in the world…?’ The older boy is searching Jongin’s face for anything that would help him understand the situation, and he isn’t meant to wait long. The younger replies quietly, his eyes never leaving the Union president.

‘She’s not my friend, Kyungsoo. This, right here, is Joohyun Bae.’

Jongin’s unconsciously fists his palms, but Seungwan is the only one to notice. Not that it matters, anyway. The university student nearly snaps his neck, that’s how fast he turns back around to look at Joohyun, this time to really _look at her_. He regards her with a combination of what can only be described as horror, disgust and even a little pity.

Rather than blushing hotly, blood drains from her face completely, leaving her pale as a sheet. But she maintains eye contact, this time with the older boy, her expression seemingly indifferent.

‘You foolish, foolish girl. How could you do something like that to another person? Are you in your right mind..?’ The brunette’s voice turns into near whisper, but it still rings as loudly as a church bell due to the deafening silence among them. More than angry, he just looks astonished. Astonished and totally disappointed in humanity.

Kyungsoo then turns to Seungwan, frowning.

‘And you, are you not Jongin’s friend? What are you doing here with her?’ Seungwan bites her lower lip, side eyeing Joohyun. To a regular person, the latter’s face might probably look stoic, but the red head has spent more than enough time observing the older to tell that she is actually deeply shaken. Perhaps she is actually more affected by her holy deeds that she let on, because this isn’t the Joohyun that orders her minions around on daily basis. She seems more like a person who’s never really made peace with the ghosts of her past.

The vocalist looks back at her friend’s boyfriend.

‘You know that it was Junmyeon who went to your parents.’ She says, immediately regretting the words. Jongin sneers, hitting the door frame with an open palm in anger. The girl winces.

‘That wanker merely does what _she_ tells him to! How can you be so bloody blind, Seungwan? Do you think that this is a joke to me?!’ The younger student nearly yells in fury. Kyungsoo puts his hand on his boyfriend’s shoulder, but Jongin barely notices the gesture.

‘Jong, I think you should calm down first...’ Jongin looks at the shorter boy as if he’s lost his mind.

‘I cannot and will not calm down. Do you really expect me to just calm down?’ He blabbers, now bordering on hysterical.

‘I didn’t know that Kyungsoo lived here. If I had, I would have never even let them come close-‘ Seungwan’s weak explanations are harshly interrupted.

‘That is so not the fucking point here.’ Her classmate laughs drily, not even an ounce of humour in his voice. ‘The point is that you’re associating with them at all. Sehun – Sehun I can understand. But you? I’ve heard all about your chapel adventures and chummy poster painting from Chanyeol all right. He said that you were doing it for laughs, but I know better. You believe that you can change her, perhaps even make her love you, but let me tell you this: I’ve known her for fifteen years and she doesn’t love anyone but herself. Look at Minseok and Yoona. Look at Sehun. Look at me. She’s fucked everyone over just because she could and she’s going to do the same to you. I don’t know how or when, but you just wait. She will.’

Jongin spits the last words like fire. A single tear rolls down Joohyun’s cheek, but her eyes never leave the boy in front of her. Seungwan cannot tell for sure what is going on in the older girl’s head, but the latter looks sorrowful, taking the outburst like she actually _deserves_ it.

When no further words follow the outburst, Joohyun takes a deep breath.

‘I’ve already explained it to you. What you’re doing with him…’ She eyes Kyungsoo, her voice wavering just a tad. ‘You know what our religion says. I couldn’t just keep quiet. And your parents… I just never thought that it would come to this-‘

‘ _Our religion_? Our religion, Joohyun? A religion which asks parents to reject their children because of something that they were born with? Which tells fathers to hit their sons for something that is beyond their control? Which turns family members against each other? That is not my God, Joohyun, and that is not my religion.’

Joohyun looks like she’s been slapped, and quite frankly, Jongin might as well have.

‘You can’t see it now, but later on, you’ll realise that what you’re doing is wrong. And your parents love you, they just don’t want you living in sin. If you just repent-‘

‘My parents don’t love me – they are hypocrites. Parental love is supposed to be unconditional, not dependant on what the neighbours will say. And if being bisexual is what you call _living in sin_ , I’ll gladly stay this way for the rest of my life. At least when I burn in hell, I’ll be in good company.’

Joohyun finally breaks their eye contact, no longer able to maintain her superficial calmness.

‘I think I should go now.’ She mumbles to nobody in particular, pursing her lips and leaving without another word. Seungwan catches her looking for a tissue in her purse just before exiting the gate. When the vocalist faces her friend again, Jongin looks almost hostile, while Kyungsoo is plain uncomfortable.

‘And you. Don’t talk to me until you’re decided which side you are on.’

‘I’m on nobody’s side.’ She insists, almost wincing at how dumb it sounds. The pink haired boy seems to be of the same opinion.

‘Yeah, you can keep telling yourself that.’ Then he shuts the door in her face.

On her way out, Seungwan encounters the male counterpart of the their Word spreading mission. Sehun’s eyes widen and he drops his indifferent façade as soon as he connects the dots.

‘Isn’t this-‘

‘-Kyungsoo’s house, yes.’ She admits grimly, leaving the three of them astonished; all for different reasons.

 

 

 

 

 

It’s not hard to find Joohyun Bae. As soon as the red head vocalist gets off the bus, she heads straight for the school chapel. And she’s not mistaken - the older girl is there on her knees, her eyes closed and her hands tightly put together in a prayer. She’s calmed down now; in fact, she looks so peaceful that to Seungwan, she might as well be a personification of an angel. It’s so hard for the younger to believe that Joohyun is guilty of all the things that Jongin accused her of, even though she knows the victims personally.

 _But even a fallen angel is still one._ Joohyun Bae is a living proof of that statement.

Seungwan takes a seat behind Joohyun, for once not trying to interrupt whatever is happening. It takes the older another ten minutes before she finally stands up from her knees and sits down on the bench heavily. She sighs deeply.

‘You are all wrong, you know that, right?’ The brunette says, still not really acknowledging the younger girl.

Seungwan shrugs in response, even though the president can’t really see her. It doesn’t matter, though, because Joohyun doesn’t seem to be looking for any kind of response. She just needs to get it off her chest to reassure herself, and the red head happens to be there.

‘Jesus says that you are all wrong. And if I can’t trust Him, then I certainly can’t trust anyone else.’ She adds, more urgently now.

‘Well, technically Jesus tells you to love everyone…’ Seungwan ponders without her usual sarcastic spin on things. She doesn’t know anything about Christianity and she doesn’t even want to pretend like she understands what drives people like Joohyun, but something tells her that this is as close and honest as she will have the president talk to her.

‘I love everyone! Or at least, I try to love everyone.’ The older’s voice falters. ‘I try so hard, but Jesus doesn’t tell you to love sin. Just the person. So you and Jongin, and that… boy that he’s spending time with. You are all wrong.’ She repeats stubbornly, sounding frustrated and most of all, tired. She doesn’t turn around.

‘If you say so.’ Seungwan ascertains casually, leaning away from the girl and onto her own bench.

‘Do you know how hard is it to see people leaving you one by one?’ Joohyun presses on, content with just letting it all out. ‘Jongin used to sit in church behind me every Sunday. He’d attend the dance club with Sehun. Then he’s suddenly become.. this. God has lost him and now He’s losing Sehun. _I_ am losing Sehun. This is all wrong.’ She adds with more might, shaking her head as if the current state of things offended her by simply daring not to follow the holy plan that Joohyun Bae prepared for them.

‘Right.’ Seungwan absent-mindedly agrees, sighing. She feels dumb for sitting there with the one person that hates everything that Seungwan represents with herself, but unfortunately, feelings are a little more complicated than that. Perhaps Jongin is right; perhaps she really is stupid enough to think that she can change Joohyun’s mind.

The thing with Seungwan Son is that she’s always only really minded her own business. She doesn’t like speaking up for other people, and she’s surely not about to do it now. Sure, she’s a bit of a busy body, but she’s never advocated queer rights and she’s never tried to persuade anyone to do that, either. Heck, she doesn’t even bother labelling herself most of the time. The only truths that she’s ever lived by are to live and let live. Treat others how you want to be treated. Respect other people’s boundaries.

Although if you get in her way, Seungwan Son will not hesitate to go as far as punching you in the face.

But all in all, she sees very little point reasoning with her adversaries and even less with know-it-all little Christian girls who treat homosexuality like a deathly disease.

The ease with which she lets the issue go clearly must have surprised Joohyun, for she finally takes a look behind, an intrigued frown marring her face.

 ‘You’re not going to disagree with me.’ It comes out more as a statement than a question.

‘What for? You let an ancient book dictate you what to think and you’re determined to judge people without really getting to know them. Just like Jongin predicted.’ She mumbles the last words more to herself, but Joohyun catches it anyway.

‘He’s your friend, yet you tried to defend me. You don’t hate me. Why?’ She probes further. More than offended, she looks intrigued. Seungwan sighs, resigned.

‘Because I’m an total moron, that’s why. Something that Jongin also already knows, by the way.’ She spits out despite herself. _Because I’m an idiot who always falls for people she’s not supposed to fall for. First Sunyoung, and now this. Must I always be so ridiculous?_

Joohyun regards her for a short while, before turning back to the altar. They don’t say anything for a while. Seungwan notices the fidgeting of the older girl – the discomfort that she feels upon realising that she’s just poured her frustrations out in front of the one person that annoys her the most. The red head generously tries to give her some space, but it doesn’t last long.

‘Did you ever apologise to him?’ She can’t help but ask. ‘To Jongin, I mean.’

‘Didn’t you hear me back there?’ The older girl eventually replies, exasperated.

‘That was not an apology. That was a litany full of bloody excuses.’ The other refutes, raising an eyebrow pointedly.

‘Well, I don’t think I have anything to be sorry about. I’m not the one who parted ways with Him.’ Joohyun hedges. ‘And Seungwan, you’re in front of the Lord. Can you stop being vulgar for five minutes?’ There is a sharp edge to Joohyun’s voice and Seungwan realises that just like that, their bizarre heart to heart has finished. The president of the Christian Union is back, perhaps more judgemental than ever, and there is nothing that Seungwan can do about it.

‘Maybe not as a Christian. But as a friend, yeah, you kind of do.’ The upperclassman doesn’t respond and the younger student doesn’t press any further. It’s not fair to Jongin to meddle into his affairs behind his back, anyway.

She herself will have to find a way to make peace with the boy after her involuntary betrayal of his feelings.

‘Fancy hearing a joke, Joohyun?’ She says instead, in attempt to lighten up the mood. Leaning in, she grins at the other girl who doesn’t even bother to turn around – she can probably hear the grease of her tone even without looking.

‘No, I really don’t.’ The president immediately replies, standing up and trying to distance herself from the blasphemy that will inevitably be whatever comes out of the red head’s mouth. Seungwan is quick to jump to her feet and follow, not discouraged by the already familiar distaste and lack of interest.

‘What did an atheist say when his Christian friend invited him to his church?’

‘I really don’t want to know.’ But Joohyun’s plea falls on deaf ears as Seungwan announces:

‘Well, I’d join, but I’m allergic to nuts.’ She guffaws so loudly at her own words that she draws attention of a few people passing them by the corridor. Joohyun stops and gives her a scolding look, but the red head thinks that she sees the left corner of the president’s lips twitching lightly. How’s that for a small victory?

‘That is not funny.’ Joohyun feels obliged to say and hastens her step again. Seungwan takes it as a sign not to egg her on any further and slows down instead, letting the older go. Just as the brunette is about to disappear around the corner, she turns her head a little and says, as if despite herself:

‘Yoga at the gym tomorrow, 9 o’clock sharp. Don’t be late.’

Thinking of all the positions that she will possibly see Joohyun in tomorrow, Seungwan feels closer to God already.


	8. One step closer, two steps back

_Dear Lord,_

_I stopped speaking to Junmyeon - I don’t think he’s noticed, though. He’s always been in his own world. He preaches the usual, but these days my immunity is at its all time low. The moment I see him open his mouth, I just mentally withdraw._

_I also stopped speaking to Joohyun, but unlike my religious brother, she seems to be well aware of it. She’s always been observant. Considering our past, it wouldn’t surprise me if she already knew the reason but if that’s the case, I despise her even more. But more importantly, I just really don’t want to look at either of them right now._

_Yixing keeps trying to approach me, but I won’t give him the satisfaction._

_On an unrelated, but equally important note, Chanyeol has eaten my entire stash of Cadbury’s cream eggs and he deserves hell  for it. But don’t worry, I can take care of that myself._

 

 

In recent weeks, Joohyun Bae has really felt at a loss. The year before, when she was just the financial chair of the Union, everything seemed to go very smoothly. Taeyeon had it all under control, Joohyun used to think, yes – she had it all under control. She was well liked and she managed to reorganise the existing musical group into a decent choir. Her best friend Sungkyu would bake the most fragrant pastries and make it look like it was the easiest task in the world. Their third friend Tiffany would constantly get in trouble for partying too much, but every Sunday, she would be there in the first row, killing all her haters with true and honest kindness. Those three ran the Christian Union effortlessly and Joohyun was there by the side, observing. She was sure that once the three girls had graduated, she’d naturally take reigns over the flock of those sheep and continue saving their poor souls equally free of trouble.

Now she isn’t so sure anymore.

Seemingly, everything is going according to plan. Joohyun is a skilled and efficient person, but she just happens to lack talents in the fields that also matter for the job. She’s a good leader with a sober but merciful mind, but that’s not of any use when you have to sing, bake and knit for your congregation. As long as she lived, Joohyun has never once received a compliment on her handiwork of any kind, and she isn’t really surprised. She has never been interested in it, nor patient enough.

 

 

 

When Seungwan walks into the school gym first thing early morning, she quickly realises just what she has been missing this entire time. It was Joohyun Bae in spandex, being annoyingly sexy at an ungodly hour.

‘You’re late, Seungwan.’ The upperclassman merely observes, not taking her eye off the poor Lily Hernandez, uselessly trying to bend to the point of touching her own toes with the tips of her fingers. The impossible task, along with Joohyun’s unforgiving gaze, has the girl sweating bullets. ‘And you. How do you expect to practice with us if you cannot even warm up properly?’

Seungwan gapes, bewildered. She mindlessly leaves her water bottle and keys on the low bench standing against the wall and approaches the pair. Joohyun eyes her.

‘Please tell me that you embody at least _some_ of the high school stereotypes.’ She sighs, looking at Seungwan’s sports bra and loose tracksuit trousers. The red head grins.

‘Yes, I’m the token homosexual around here. Although then again, there is too many of us in Trent to make me any special.’ Joohyun scoffs, making that the only acknowledgement of the other’s words.

‘Please tell me that you are at least flexible. You’re clearly not gifted in the brain area, so there must be something else to you. Or are you also a couch potato on top of all your sins?’

‘I am officially offended. I can bend all right, it just depends on who’s asking.’ After a short moment, the double meaning of the statement downs on the Union president, who blushes and purses her lips in annoyance. Seungwan grins. ‘Don’t worry, I am plenty bend-y. I can take it. I’ve practiced yoga before-’

‘Take a mat, then, and warm up a bit.’ Joohyun interrupts her at once, dreading the direction that the story can take. Seungwan is not by any means discouraged and continues blubbering.

‘- but I stopped, because I figured that it’s not very feminist of me to try and reach some idealistic size standards that the male population has created for women that don’t know any better and live under the tight patriarchal rule. So instead, I’ve vowed to consume daily as much fat as I possibly can.’

‘How amazingly progressive of you, Seungwan. Not to mention, eco friendly.’ Joohyun cannot help but reply in a snarky manner. Thanks to Seungwan Son, she has become almost too familiar with the notion – and the aftermath – of sarcasm.

‘I try.’ Seungwan grins harder.

‘I guess it’s never occurred to you that women might want to look good just for themselves. I suppose your definition of feminism extends only to oppressed housewives and obese women munching on fish and chips.’

‘Well…’ The red head scratches her head, lost for words. She doesn’t know what to say to that.

‘I’m the closest to a feminist that you will find in this church, believe me, so no point educating me. No, do what you’re told for once and get to work.’ Joohyun replies and moves on to the other row, still monitoring the flexibility of the other girls.

Seungwan does just that, but not without another look or two at the legs enveloped in those tight spandex leggings. In fact, she’s soon craning her neck left and right, her gaze following her instructor for the day.

‘Could you please stop ogling me and concentrate?’ Joohyun approaches her and hisses straight to the red head’s ear. ‘Close your eyes and breath. Stop looking at me. You’re supposed to let your mind wander.’

‘Well, that’s where it went.’ The younger cannot help but let out a cheeky laugh. Joohyun sighs, exasperated.

‘What am I going to do with you?’ She shakes her head.

‘I have a few ideas…’ Seungwan supplies helpfully.

‘Actually, I do too.’ Joohyun decides after a moment of a staring context, and leaves the singer’s side.

The morning ends with Seungwan Son mopping the floor of the gym with a sour expression on her face.

 

 

 

‘You’re late.’ Chanyeol is the first one to point it out when Seungwan arrives at their make shift practice room in Tao’s garage, out of breath and hair dishevelled. She smiles sheepishly, but for the first time in the history of their friendship, the tall drummer doesn’t reciprocate, opting for a long, bemused stare instead.

She frowns and looks around to see similar, reluctant looks on the other members’ faces.

‘Sorry, guys. You know that I had that yoga thing and then Joohyun made me clean the entire gym by myself-‘

‘Yesterday, you didn’t come at all.’ Chanyeol interrupts her, his voice quiet but eerily serious. He continues looking at her in what feels like near bewilderment.

‘Sehun asked me to accompany him to that Bible spreading thing, you know that.’ Seungwan replies defensively. She looks to her other friend. ‘We were both there, what’s the problem?’ Sehun avoids her gaze, though.

‘The problem is that you’re beginning to enjoy it too much, while Sehun doesn’t have a choice.’ Chanyeol says again, his expression becoming grimmer by the second.

‘What does that even mean? You knew from the beginning that I like Joohyun.’ Seungwan involuntarily scowls, still not understanding the point.

‘You’re not allowed to like her for real, Seungwan! Bloody hell, it’s a joke. You teasing the uptight virgin is supposed to be just a joke. You’re supposed to be on our side, ok?’

‘ _Our side_? What is _our side_?’

‘The side that doesn’t associate with people who make my cousin’s life a living hell.’ Minseok replies instead. He’s never looked at Seungwan the way that he is now. His eyes are nothing but cold as he narrows them, clearly annoyed. ‘We’ve all heard about what happened at Kyungsoo’s house yesterday. You’re really walking a fine line here.’

‘For the last time, I did not know that Jongin would be there. And I also wasn’t aware that we are in some bloody high school cliché where I can’t have friends outside of my clique.’

‘Friends?’ Chanyeol’s voice suddenly raises an octave. He swallows thickly, the artery on his neck moving rapidly. ‘They are no friends of yours. We are your friends. _I am_ your friend – or at least I was until recently. It’s been a week since you started hanging out around those freaks and you’re blown me off like three times, did you know that?! Even today you’re late. And why? Because you’d rather spend time staring at that slut’s arse!’ Chanyeol looks like he wants to say more, but at the same time, like he’s too overwhelmed to add anything else. He looks at the ceiling, massaging his neck with his palms, his expression still one of utter disbelief.

‘Don’t call her a slut!’ Seungwan retaliates, now irritated. She fists her hands in frustrations. She has expected to spend a nice afternoon with her friends, jamming to Paramore and practice their own songs, but that is long forgotten now. ‘You’re a fucking royal prick, Chanyeol Park, how’s that for an answer?! You think you’re so much better than them but look at you, insulting people left and right. It’s Sehun’s sister you’re bloody running your mouth about.’

Chanyeol inhales like he wants to start another screaming match with his best friend, but promptly refrains.

‘Sorry, mate.’ He mutters, still red on the face from all the anger. Sehun doesn’t say anything. Instead, he just shakes his head and picking up his backpack from the floor, he makes his way to the door, his bass still in his hand. He has had enough. ‘No, wait! Wait, Sehun, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. Or maybe I did.’ The drummer manages to get a hold of his bassist friend just in time. ‘But you know why I’m so mad. You should know best how your sister is.’

‘Or maybe you two twats could stop being so blinkered for five darn seconds and consider how your idiotic arguments affect Sehun.’ Tao speaks up for the first time. Everyone looks to him. ‘Stop being so egoistic. He’s friends with us, but that’s his family you guys are constantly ranting about. And no matter what they’ve done, I’m sure he can’t just emotionally detach himself from them. It’s not so easy.’ He reasons, but it calms no one.

Minseok turns off the keyboard with an unnecessarily forceful movement. He’s far from pleased.

‘What about me, then? I have no moral obligation to consider the feelings of those that don’t consider mine. I’m sorry that Sehun is feeling _uncomfortable_ ,’ His voice is clearly mocking now. ‘But if I have to hear my cousin cry one more time, I’ll slap the living hell out of that bitch, even if it’s the last thing that I do. I don’t hold Sehun responsible for the wrongdoings of his siblings, but it’s hardly fair to ask me to tiptoe around him about it, either.’ He picks up his messenger bag from the chair nearby. ‘I’m done in here. I need to get to work soon, anyway.’

‘Wait, Minseok…’ Tao, the only peace maker among them, fails to appease yet another person. The door shuts in his face. That’s when the bassist gently extracts his own arm from his friend’s grip.

‘It’s alright, Tao. I think we all need a breather. I’ll get going, I have a lot of homework to do. I haven’t even started on my Spanish assignment yet.’ He adds quietly and leaves the garage in a much calmer fashion.

‘Guys, but the performance is in two weeks…’ Tao says to no one in particular, sighing miserable.

‘We’re in no mood for a rehearsal now.’ Chanyeol states the obvious and proceeds to disentangle the wires around his drum set. He doesn’t want to leave his baby in a disarray, no matter how frustrated he is at the moment.

‘Chanyeol, please. Are you so ready to cut me out without as much as a chance to defend myself?’ Seungwan stops within the tall boy’s earshot. She’s equally mad but trying to be the better person in it. He takes a deep breath before facing her.

‘I just don’t recognise you, Seungwan. When we first met, we clicked so perfectly - and so fast. You felt like a bloody missing part of me. Like a twin from another mother. Just a few days ago we were laughing at them.’ He points in the vague direction of the door, but the read head singer knows that he means the Union. ‘ _I_ was laughing. I was laughing, because I could have never imagined how serious you are about getting into that religious stuff and about Joohyun Bae.’ The girl wants to interject, but she ultimately decides to let her friend finish. ‘In the past few days you felt like a stranger – you suddenly don’t have time for me or the band. And of all people, you associate with those that have screwed over pretty much every one of my friends? Of _your_ friends? You may feel like an extension of my own body right now, but if you’re really adamant about continuing whatever it is that you’re doing with those pricks, then I bloody swear on my drum set, you’ll be dead to me. I’ve known the guys for more than ten years. I’ll always choose them over anyone else. I just never thought that I’d have to choose them over you.’

He’s panting hard, pressed for air. His palms tightly fisted, he’s clearly struggling to remain composed.

‘I’mma get going. I’ll see you later, Tao.’

‘Wait, don’t I get to say anything?!’ The sudden exit takes Seungwan by surprise.

‘Not now. I need to walk this off. Meet me behind the gym at 7, I’ll listen then.’

‘Hey, Park.’ She calls out just before his silhouette disappears. He stills, half heartedly looking over his shoulder. ‘Hate me all you want, but at least make it right with Sehun. He doesn’t deserve your rubbish attitude.’

‘…I know.’ He grumbles and walks out through the crack of the back door.

‘Fucking hunky-dory, innit?’ Seungwan turns to Tao, the last man standing. He shrugs.

‘You had it coming, Wan.’

‘It’s not that simple.’ She sighs. ‘I really had nothing to do with what happened yesterday. I’d have never guessed Kyungsoo Do lived there.’

‘You know it’s not about that. I don’t mean to add oil to this fire, but Chanyeol is right. You’ve cancelled on us before and today you were late. Sehun’s a different situation – his well-being literally depends on his presence around those nuts. If that snitch Junmyeon as much as whispers a word to their father about Sehun not attending the church, that man will pull him out of school and start beating him again.’

Seungwan doesn’t like the uneasy feeling washing over her. Of course she doesn’t want that to happen. She’d sworn before that she’d personally break the pastor’s fingers one by one if he as much as touched the boy again. And she knows Joohyun’s role in Sehun’s torture.

‘Chanyeol is protective of all his friends, but especially of Sehun. I’ve always though that he blames himself for not having noticed what was happening when it did. He couldn’t have, though.’

‘I know. I’m an idiot. I don’t want to make it worse for Sehun. But I want to be able to spend time with Joohyun. Unlike you lot, I don’t think she’s as rotten as Chanyeol claims.’ Tao shrugs again.

‘She’s done nothing to persuade me otherwise, to be honest. I don’t care if you’re arse over tits for her, but you’re planning on blowing everything off over her, I’d like to know in advance. We’ll need to find another vocalist.’

 

 

 

‘Here you are.’ Junmyeon startles at the hand on his shoulder. ‘I’ve been looking left, right and centre for you since lunch.’ Joohyun adds, squeezing her phone and keys in her right palm. Apart from official outings related to spreading the Word, she avoids carrying bags like fire. It’s become Seulgi’s unspoken duty to provide her with anything she might need during the day.

‘I’m trying to decide if we can squeeze a few more tables in this gym. The weather forecast for next Sunday doesn’t sound so promising after all.’ Her twin purses his lips in annoyance. Joohyun frowns in response.

‘Aren’t we having a sunny day?’

‘Not anymore, apparently.’ He responds with a matching _Lord is testing me severely today_ expression.

After giving the matter an appropriate moment of silence, Joohyun looks to the bleachers.

‘Leave this for a second and come talk to me.’

‘What about?’ Junmyeon enquires as soon as they let their legs rest.

Her brother has always been the somewhat clueless one between them. Joohyun has learnt how to deal with it over the years – after all, they do have an unbreakable bond connecting them. Without as much as a single look at the boy, she has always been able to tell what is bothering him. She knows him inside out; she knows how his mind works.

And because of that, she’s also capable of persuading him to do virtually anything. Junmyeon’s a highly one dimensional line of reasoning – he accepts what makes sense to him at the time and once he’s taken something as an absolute truth, there is nothing that could convince him otherwise.

‘Seulgi told me you’ve been avoiding her. I’d like to know why.’ At the mention of the incident, Junmyeon almost immediately starts fidgeting and avoids her gaze, but his sister will have none of that. ‘I’ll get it out of you one way or another, so I would thank you to just tell me. And don’t lie to me, our Lord sees everything. And I will also know if you take unusually long with your confession after the sermon.’

Junmyeon blushes. He doesn’t want to lie – no, he cannot. Not with the threat of God’s wrath hanging over him like that. But it’s all just so _embarrassing_.

‘I-I..’ He hesitates.

‘You what?’ The girl probes further.

‘I like Seulgi a lot. Too much.’ He finally whispers, nervously looking around. Joohyun frowns.

‘ _Too much_? There’s no such thing as liking somebody too much.’

‘There is.’ Her twin insists, looking miserable. Joohyun tries again.

‘So you’ve decided to avoid your girlfriend because you like her too much? That doesn’t make any sense.’

‘Oh, it does. Believe me.’ The boy mutters, wringing his fingers together. She shakes her head.

‘No, it doesn’t. In fact, maybe the Lord have sent you this dilemma to confirm your feelings for Seulgi. You should be thankful.’

‘No, His teachings most definitely do not encourage such strong sentiments.’ The blush on Junmyeon’s cheeks intensifies as he continues defying his sister.

‘God says that love is the most important existence in our lives. You’re a man and she’s a woman. Your love is good and pure. He would never put you in this situation if he didn’t want you to do something about it. So make up with Seulgi already and express the love you have for her. You’ve upset her enough.’

Junmyeon’s conviction visibly wavers at Joohyun’s persuasive tone.

‘But how can I..?’ His inner struggle is quickly extinguished by his twin’s words.

‘You’re lucky to have her – so don’t lose her. What you feeling in your heart is right, so just go with it. I’ll pray for you.’ He eventually nods, as if trying to convince himself. Joohyun can almost see the cogs in his brain turning rapidly, trying to adjust his problem to the new logic.

‘Can you start praying now?’ He asks and she easily agrees. They join hands and Junmyeon closes his eyes, listening to Joohyun’s whispered prayer intently. He feels much better now. He’s a good person – Lord would never test him like that. It’s not Satan’s calling, it’s God’s. Love belongs in Heaven.

 _It’s not lust_ , Junmyeon thinks, he would never be punished by such dirty desires. He would never, he’s His loyal servant. And Joohyun agrees.

Much calmer now, the vice president lets a small smile rest on his face for the first time in a while. It’s not lust. It’s just love. He always sits in the first row at every church gathering – there’s no way evil would touch him. No way.

After they’re done, Junmyeon officially abandons his location planning and they both direct themselves to the main building.

‘What’s this news that I heard from father this morning? He asked me to confirm whether you and Yixing are now a couple.’ Joohyun stops on her tracks.

‘What did you tell him..? She enquires, not even bothering to hide her anxiety. Junmyeon tilts his head, surprised at her reaction.

‘Nothing. I said I’d ask Yixing, who later told me that you indeed expressed such desire but he had to turn you down, because he is already in love with somebody else.’

‘He is?’ She frowns at the novelty, but quickly re-focuses on the matter at hand. ‘Did you tell all of that to father?’

‘Not really, we haven’t spoken since. Why? Should I not?’

‘Junmyeon, I need you to do something for me. I need you to ask Yixing to be my date for the picnic.’

‘Well, it seems that he doesn’t really want to, though.’ Junmyeon scratches his head unsurely. ‘Do you like him that much?’

 _Do I like him that_ \- _Junmyeon can really be naïve sometimes_ , Joohyun thinks, trying not to let her frustration show. She smiles sweetly at him.

‘Yes. Please, ask him as a favour. I need a chance to tell him how I feel. I really think that if we can spend some time together, in the presence of God, of course, he might take a liking to me. Please, ask him once, he won’t refuse you.’

‘All right. If that will make you happy.’ Junmyeon concurs and Joohyun breathes a sigh of relief.

‘Yes, that will make me really happy.’ She replies quickly. She feels bad for lying to her twin, and she knows that it’s something that God does not encourage, but there will be more damage done if she lets her brother know her true intentions.

Because Junmyeon’s a highly one dimensional line of reasoning – and once he’s taken something as an absolute truth, there is nothing that could convince him otherwise. He’d never approve of her motives, no matter how positive the outcome might be. He just wouldn’t understand.


	9. Devils and angles, and angry friends

Seungwan is on her way to the cafeteria, when Joohyun Bae catches up with her. Any other day, Seungwan would pee herself in happiness, but right now, her conscience weighs heavy. She’s still mad at the way her friends practically exploded in her face, but she’s now slowly beginning to understand their side of the story. Of course she can’t hide behind Sehun – their situations are nothing alike. Seungwan has finally received an overwhelming – for her - amount of Joohyun’s attention in the span of a relatively short time and it just went straight to her head.

Of course she should stop messing around the Union, but that prospect feels less liberating than it actually should be.

‘Seungwan Son.’ Joohyun prompts the red head girl.

‘Huh?’ Seungwan gapes intelligently. Joohyun snickers.

I asked if you had the time now.’

‘Time for what..?’ She checks her phone – it’s nearly five o’clock.

She was hoping to catch an early tea and then mentally prepare herself for her talk with Chanyeol. He’s right and she’s wrong. She will apologise without excuses. He will stay mad for some time, trying to discredit her words and refusing to believe her, but she’ll curb her irritation and suck up to him like she always does. Then they’ll make up, she’ll make kissy faces at him, he’ll be all grossed out and the world will start rolling the right way again.

And she will stay away from Joohyun Bae from now on.

Seungwan sighs internally.

‘There is something that I really need to do with you before the picnic. Come on. It won’t take long.’

 _She needs to do something with me..?_ Seungwan’s eyes widen impossibly, the girl wrecking her brain over the possible outcomes of the request, but she follows the lead, Joohyun’s hand still on her elbow, making the singer’s skin warm.

They soon reach the president’s room.

‘Come on in.’ The older encourages and Seungwan thinks that it is too much for one day. She will soon get a whiplash, going from the morning euphoria, to the disaster that was her early afternoon, to heaven that is now clearly awaiting her in Joohyun’s dormitory room.

When she enters gingerly, awkwardly standing in the threshold, she notices how girly the room is – nothing like the one she shares with Joy.

Seungwan doesn’t really have a lot, and neither does she care to surround herself with material things. The only possession of any real value to her is her acoustic guitar standing in the corner near the window; the rest is but a mess of dirty items of clothing, rubbish of various kinds and sheets of paper with song lyrics she’s long forgotten that she meant to write. Joy’s side of the room is much cleaner, but equally indecent, if you will – Seungwan is pretty sure that should she ever invite Joohyun to her room, the girl would run away at the mere sight of half naked singers in provocative poses.

Not to mention that big Taemin poster that Joy has hung on the inside part of her wardrobe door and which she kisses good morning every day without fail. Not creepy at all.

No, Joohyun’s dormitory cannot be further from that. It’s easy to spot which side is hers – the bed sheets are of a pleasantly warm violet colour, with a small teddy bear sitting next to the pillow. There is a cross right above her desk, which is neatly organised with cups of colourful pens and cute memo notes stuck to the wall.

Seulgi is there when the girls come in, sending them one of her staple nice, albeit a bit blank, smiles. She’s seated at her desk, French textbook in front of her.

‘How are you, Seungwan?’ She says in a small voice. It’s a slight change from the other day when the upperclassman virtually ignored her during the lunch they ate together, the red head singer thinks, but something must have changed. _Perhaps_ _she has received Joohyun’s permission to associate with me_ , Seungwan snickers inwardly. 

‘Good, cheers. You?’ Seungwan is not _really_ all that curious, but she knows she is going to hear about it anyway, because that’s just the type of person Seulgi Kang is.

‘I’m having trouble with my homework and the test is coming up.’ Seulgi admits, scratching her head sheepishly. She turns to her best friend. ‘Could you help me, please, if you’re not too busy…?’

‘Start on your English literature assignment first and I promise I’ll tutor you once I’m back. I have to deal with Seungwan first.’ The girl promises, emerging from under her own desk where she keeps a few paper bags of various shapes and sizes. From _needing to do something together_ to _dealing with Seungwan_ , that was fast, Seungwan cannot help but think sourly.

‘Oh, what are you girls planning?’ Seulgi’s smile widens, eager to know. The red head singer has always thought that one of the reasons why Seulgi is Joohyun’s best friend is because of her meek nature – she was born to be led, and Joohyun is a natural leader. Seulgi craves attention that Joohyun mercifully provides.

Seulgi Kang needs to feel like she’s always _in on it_ , whatever it could it; she cannot allow herself to be left behind.

But then again, that’s just Seungwan sees it. Admittedly, she doesn’t know much about Joohyun’s best friend at all. Just that she’s always that quiet friend standing at the back. _Pushover_ , Chanyeol’s words suddenly ring in her ears.

‘We’ve going to make sure that Seungwan looks decent for the picnic.’ The president dangles a small _Boots_ bag in the air.

It’s a hair dye. Suddenly Seungwan is not so sure anymore.

‘Oh, no. I can’t do it. Not now.’ She shakes her head adamantly.

‘Why not?’ Joohyun presses, eyes slitting. Her aura goes from rainbows and unicorns to irritated within a second.

‘Because…’ She hesitates.

Why not? There are so many reasons, not the least of them is their upcoming concert in Oceana – that is, if she’s still in the band. What she needs to do is go make it right with Chanyeol, then with Jongin and Minseok, then with Sehun, and with Tao too, just to be sure. She needs her hair to give her confidence and make her look like the sick love child of punk and gothic poetry that she wants to embody. Her hair is her identity, as shallow as it sounds.

So why can’t she say it out loud? _Pushover_ , Chanyeol’s words turn to mock her.

‘It’s very important to me, Seungwan. You cannot embarrass me in there since you’re going to help out with the organisation.’ The organisation of the picnic… Yes, that’s another thing that Seungwan should probably object to, but for the life of her, she cannot remember a single word of reason. ‘It’s just hair. You can even shave it bald after the event, I don’t care. It’s just for the week.’

Joohyun takes her to the washing room located separately at the end of the corridor and making sure that the younger’s clothing won’t be stained, she works quickly but efficiently.

‘You have a pretty face, why do you insist on this atrocious hair colour?’ Joohyun gently massages the hair dye in and Seungwan relaxes under the touch. With her eyes closed, she cannot help but grin at the statement.

‘You think I’m pretty?’

‘I think you have the potential, there’s a difference.’ Joohyun replies, but it’s enough to elevate Seungwan’s mood for good. The rest of the time is spent on light teasing (Seungwan) and exasperated head shaking (Joohyun), before the older finally rinses the excess of the colour off and takes the singer back to her room for a thorough blow dry.

It’s been a long while since her hair had this chestnut tone to it, so the girl merely continues gaping in the mirror as the president attempts to model it in some plausible way.

‘Seungwan, that is definitely your best look. You should always wear your hair like this. I can lend you one of my dresses, too, I think we are the same size.’ Seulgi chips in, elated. Flowery patterned dresses are definitely what the singer needs to draw the line on, but even she has to admit that her new do does not look half bad.

‘Seulgi is right. You look much, much better. Now, if you’re done being vain, stop staring at yourself and come over here. We need to discuss that menu of yours again.’

As it turns out, arguing over bread types and munching on homemade cookies that Seulgi has brought from home I rather time consuming, and it’s much later when Seungwan discovers with horror that a quarter has already passed since the clock struck seven pm and that Chanyeol is waiting for her. Again.

‘Fuck, fuck, I’m so late!’ She nearly jumps out of her seat, grabbing her bag from where she left it on the floor next to Joohyun’s bed. The older looks up astonished by the abrupt ending of their evening.

‘Seungwan, language! And where are you going, we’re in the middle of-‘ The singer interrupts her immediately.

‘I’ll explain later, I really need to go.’ She nearly shuts the door in the president’s face in haste to get to the gym.

As she’s running through the field, so are the thoughts in her head. She’s an idiot. No - she’s a fucking moron. Wasn’t this exactly how things with Sunyoung started? Seungwan became so obsessed with the older girl that she forsook everything for her. She alienated all of the friends back in Oakham, of whom she did not even have that many to begin with.

Sitting there with Joohyun, who for some unknown reason has decided to finally give her the time of day, was exhilarating. No wonder the president is so popular around the school – she has a unique way of making you feel special and important, and you would do anything to keep her attention on yourself. Those two short hours made Seungwan forget everything that she has already decided on, and she knows that she is going to regret it dearly. And soon.

Chanyeol looks outraged when he finally spots her. They stare at each other a long moment, as he takes in the change in her appearance.

‘So this is how little I actually matter to you.’ He shakes his head, looking tired all of a sudden. He makes a move to leave the site.

‘You’re not going anywhere until we’re done here.’ Seungwan grits her teeth, taking a hold of his arm. It looks almost absurd, because trying to stop Chanyeol Park from walking away is like trying to turn the river flow – he is way too strong to even consider the girl a worthy opponent. But she tries, nonetheless.

‘I’m done, Seungwan. I’m fucking 110% done. You’re late again and you’ve changed your hair without even telling me. But I don’t doubt that Joohyun Bae knows, since she’s the centre of your bloody universe these days.’

Seungwan holds still for a moment, in a vain attempt to calm herself. She knew that this was coming. And yet…

‘You’re making it about my hair now? What the hell, Park, it’s just hair. I’ll dye it back for the concert. What’s the big deal?’ She hisses through her teeth, all vows of keeping the encounter cool immediately flying out of her head.

‘I don’t care if you dye it back – if there even _is_ a concert for us after this.’ He adds bitterly. He doesn’t shout this time, all energy seems to have left him. ‘This was our thing, remember? We got stupidly drunk after that The Adicts gig in Manchester and dyed each other’s hair this repulsive red. It meant something to me. It stood for something.’

‘Fuck the establishment.’ Seungwan murmurs, pursing her lips to will away the bitterness with unwelcomed sadness. Of course she knows, but this regret comes much too late.

‘Fuck the establishment.’ The boy confirms. ‘Fuck bigotry. Fuck whatever makes us miserable. Fuck whatever holds us back. And whoever dares mess with our friends, well, fuck them too.’ He takes a deep breath, looking her up and down. ‘Now, do you have anything important to say to me, or am I free to go?

‘I will stop spending time with Joohyun,’ She says, making Chanyeol look up in suspicion. ‘But after the picnic.’ He scoffs mockingly.

‘The bloody picnic, how could I forget?’ He makes another attempt to leave, this time successful. The girl has to nearly run after her friend, because his one step equals her three smaller ones.

‘I’ve already promised I’d help, and I want to be there for Sehun, too.’ She insists and he stops on his tracks, facing her again.

‘What bollocks. Don’t you bloody dare hide behind Sehun. And I know you won’t quit her after next Sunday, I just know it.’

‘I will.’ She repeats with force. ‘And if I don’t, I’ll leave the band and you’ll never have to see me again. Which won’t happen, but yeah, have your promise if you must. Have a little faith in me, Park, will you. You _are_ my bloody twin from another mother, by the way, and I’ll sooner cut my own arm off than let you continue with this rubbish attitude. After this is over, you have my explicit permission to dye my hair any colour you want. That’s all I have to say.’ She stomps her foot for emphasis, her posture straight as if challenging him to defy her.

They look at each other for a while before the tall drummer finally spits:

‘I’ll bloody find the ugliest bitch green dye you’ll have ever seen in your life.’

‘And I’ll bloody enjoy every second of wearing it.’ She responds without missing a bit. For a second, the corner of Chanyeol’s lips threatens to initiate a grin, but he purses them to hold back. He sends her one last look, before turning around and leaving without another word.

Seungwan should probably feel relieved – the drummer’s reaction was as close to forgiveness as she would get, considering the circumstances – but somehow, she is not. Chanyeol knows her too well, she thinks bitterly. She can only hope that his words do not turn prophetic, because she fears that she won’t even be able to trust her own self in the matter.

 

 

 

 

_Dear Lord,_

_I never ask You for anything, but I’ll trust that You see how much in need I am and come to my aid. It’s really important that I prove myself to my father this upcoming Sunday. It order to show You that I’m worthy of Your help, I’ll therefore recite my wish many times, starting now, and continue repeating it until I fall asleep._

_Please, help me go out with Yixing Zhang._

_Please, help me go out with Yixing Zhang._

_Please, help me go out with Yixing Zhang._

_Please, help me go out with Yixing Zhang._

_Please, help me… go- go out with Yixing Zhang. I’m sorry, I’m really tired today. It’s been a long day. It looks like it’s going to rain in Sunday after all, so Junmyeon and I need to take care of the decorations at the gym, but the school won’t let us start until Saturday afternoon, seeing how there is a basketball tournament in the morning. It might complicate things, but it’s nothing that I haven’t dealt with before. I’m very used to others making my life difficult for no reason._

_Wait, where was I?_

_Please, help me go out with Yixing Zhang._

_Please, help me go out with Yixing Zhang._

_Please, help me go out with Yixing Zhang._

_Please, help me go out…._

_Oh, before I forget. I think we should keep Seungwan Son around for the time being. I’ll let You know if I think that she belongs in hell after all._

_Please, help me…._

 

 

 

 

_Dear God,_

_Please, don’t let Yixing go out with Joohyun. I’m already miserable as it is. I know, I know. Just yesterday I selfishly wanted them all to choke for what they’re doing to me, but today I’m not so sure anymore._

_So just… please._

 

 

 

_Dear Lord,_

_Love is beautiful. Thank You for sending it to me. What Seulgi and I shared was a truly spiritual experience. I can vouch that she felt the same. Art room at dusk is probably not the best place to practice our love, but I was slightly out of options and had to improvise._

_Nonetheless, it was perfect. Thank you._

 

 

 

 

Yixing Zhang looks beyond uncomfortable when he finally realises what his best friend Junmyeon is hinting at.

‘I’m sorry, I really am, but I can’t.’ He answers, letting out a small defeated sigh. He turns his head away from his best friend and longing looks through the window, hoping to regain some of the Wednesday afternoon peace that he enjoyed before the vice president came to find him. As luck would have it, a group of year 12 students is currently engaged in a football match on the account of their late PE period.

  _What luck_ , he internally scoffs, _you come here to do your assignments every Wednesday knowing exactly what view to expect._ He immediately spots Sehun seated on one of the lower benches, stubbornly refusing to participate. Yixing always tells him to be more involved, yet the younger always ignores his advice.

‘Yixing, please. I’m not asking you to date her. Just go out with her once. Give her a chance, will you? She really cares about you, she’s told me so.’ Junmyeon continues his lecture paved with good intentions, one that the other student is slowly beginning to tune out. In the background, he spots Tao Huang sitting down next to Sehun and shortly after, the two boys begin to laugh at something that nobody else is privy to.

Yixing kind of wants to die right now.

‘Your sister is a beautiful and intelligent girl, but I know that I cannot reciprocate her feelings, so it doesn’t feel right to give her false hope.’ He finally looks back at his best friend, trying to articulate himself as clearly as possible. Junmyeon has always had a hard time taking _no_ for an answer.

Today is no different.

‘Then do it as a favour to me.’ The vice president insists. ‘Just be her date this Sunday and whatever happens next, I won’t hold you responsible because you’ve already warned me plenty.’

‘Why would you even want that, if you know that it will eventually turn disastrous?’ Yixing looks at his friend incredulously.

‘Because my sister rarely asks me for anything – that’s how I know she really cares about this. So just go out with her.’

‘You’re putting me in a really awkward position, Jun. I don’t think that’s fair.’ Yixing shakes his head, adamant to end this as soon as he can.

‘Why won’t you do it for me? Give me one _real_ reason and I’ll stop pestering you.’ The guitarist opens his mouth, but he cannot really find anything substantial to say. ‘So just do it.’ Junmyeon looks at him pointedly, indeed ending it – just not the way Yixing wanted him to.

 

 

 

It’s Wednesday night when Seungwan once again finds herself in the presence of Joohyun Bae – excusive presence, mind you, as she has been dragged left and right (or more accurately, from the chapel and back), the entirety of the past two days. Joohyun suddenly began requesting her assistance in almost everything, not that Seungwan is resisting much, but even so, it is novelty like no other.

They are baking cookies in the school kitchen. _Sample cookies_ , Joohyun corrects. She does not quite yet believe that Seungwan is actually capable.

The downside of spending time with the president is only one – it is not time spent with her own circle of friends, most of whom still refuses to acknowledge her after the fight they had on Sunday. It pains her, but she is trying to be patient. She has met Chanyeol earlier today, since both of them really needed that tutoring session with Baekhyun Byun, but it was awkward to say the least.

‘Don’t text Minseok so much, you know how much it annoys him.’ He advised only as they were about to part ways. ‘Give him some time and come forward once you’re done with whatever it is that you think you need to do on that picnic. If there even _is_ a legitimate reason.’ He mumbled the last sentence, but she heard him alright.

Sehun is distant, too, but his behaviour is nothing new. He has been in his own little world for a while, and he still refuses to reveal the motive for it, so the girl can only wait.

Right now, however, Seungwan doesn’t stop to think about any of that. She’s having too much fun, laughing at the mess that Joohyun has managed to create in front of her. The older girl is not amused.

‘What did you do that I couldn’t? Your dough looks perfect.’ Joohyun complains, suspiciously comparing the two products and ready to call foul play, except that she cannot, because… well, that would make absolutely no sense.

Seungwan wiggles her eyebrows, sporting one of her biggest grins yet.

‘I’m good with my hands. I’ve had lots of practice.’ Judging from the president’s hot blush, the allusion is quickly caught on.

‘Stop being so vulgar, Seungwan, and show me again how to do it.’ The older demands, but it doesn’t sound nearly as harsh as it would have even a week ago, and it makes the singer happy.

She pretends to throw her non existence chef’s hat in the air and turns around twice, after which she stretches her arms above her head and proceeds to hum the melody from a well-known pastry advertisement. Surprisingly enough, Joohyun leans back against the counter and laughs - really laughs. Seungwan stops on her tracks, realising that it is indeed the first time that Joohyun Bae has laughed this freely in her presence.

 ‘You’re laughing.’ She observes, now giggling herself.

‘Just because I’ve always found that jingle stupid.’ The older retaliates with less force that she probably hoped for.

‘Me too.’ Seungwan prompts and Joohyun purses her lips, immediately appearing mildly irritated at the fact that they can actually have something in common.

‘It’s your mother’s, though. How can you dislike it?’ The brunette frowns. Continuing to knead the dough  in perfect little balls, Seungwan shrugs.

‘I’ve grown up with it, I had to listen to it every single day. Some days, many, many times. It didn’t help that baking was all my mother cared about. Anyone would go bonkers.’

‘Are your parents divorced..?’ Joohyun asks again after a short lull in their conversation.

‘Yeah.’ At Joohyun’s uneasy expression, Seungwan forces a laugh. ‘I know, not very Christian of them.’

‘Oh, no, I just… I’m sorry.’ There is a certain level of genuine emotion that Seungwan did not expect. She shrugs again.

‘Don’t be. Their marriage was all just a big diddle from the start anyway. I don’t really remember it anymore, having them both in the same house and all.’ She bends forward, sticking her tongue out for a moment and trying to decide if the consistency of the dough is right. ‘My father is old money, he’d emigrated here to study and I guess, didn’t feel like going back to the good ol’ peninsula. My mother’s family’s residence in Devonshire dates back three generations. They both invested in what you now know as _Wendy’s bakery_ and apparently, someone, somewhere along the way thought that it was a good idea for them to get hitched and have a kid. Obviously, that illusion didn’t last long. Just barely enough for Wendy Seungwan Son to be born.’ By the time her monologue is done, so are her cookies. Seungwan is nothing but efficient with her baking – she’s learnt from the best, after all.

Joohyun looks conflicted, uncomfortable even at the sudden confession. She seems to want to say something more meaningful, but eventually opts for the simple:

‘I didn’t know your name was Wendy.’

‘Cute, innit?’

‘Almost too cute for a devil like you.’ Joohyun admits, which makes the singer laugh out loud.

The moment is promptly interrupted by a dark-skinned student from year 10 that runs into the kitchen. Seungwan doesn’t know her – the only reason why she knows her class is due to the yellow strip on the girl’s uniform jacket.

‘Seungwan Son?’ The girl in question nods. ‘You’re to head back to your dormitory immediately. I was told to inform you that your mother has arrived.’

 _Her mother?_ Seungwan has called her a few times in the past couple of days, but as expected, she never got through. She only left the woman a message with the list of things that she needed for the picnic, trusting that the requests would be met, seeing how that’s what Camilla Kim has always been good at – silencing the guilt of her maternal shortcomings by showering Seungwan with obscene amounts of material possessions. But for her to come all the way to East Midlands at 8 o’clock on a Wednesday? The world is surely coming to an end.

Seungwan turns around to Joohyun, who looks perplexed at the sudden news. The singer smirks bitterly.

‘You thought I was the devil? You ain’t seen nothing yet.’


	10. When two different worlds collide

‘So what is the worst that could possible happen on a Christian picnic?’

‘I could show up, for one.’ Seungwan, who has been standing next to the cookie table, turns around abruptly at the voice. She doesn’t really have a habit of talking to herself out loud, but every once in a while she will murmur an ironic comment under her breath, and that’s exactly when one of her friends will arrive and inevitably start judging her. This time it’s Minseok.

It has been exactly a week since the girl last talked with her older friend and she knows that a lot still remains unresolved between them - right now, however, the keyboardist walking up to her and starting a normal conversation feels like an olive branch offering, so despite the slight astonishment, Seungwan tries to fall into their regular rhythm. Lightly snorting, she looks back at the original object of her attention.

‘I’m sorry, Mr. Kim, but this time you’ll have to throw in the towel. Hellions beyond your wildest imagination have decided to join forces today.’ She points ahead, to where two females in elegant dresses and blue aprons busy themselves around the stand with savoury pastry. Minseok takes a double take before whistling lowly.

‘Blimey. Joohyun Bae and your own dear mother, hand in hand, smiling and selling bread. I am not sure if this is the reality that I want to live in.’

‘Joohyun ended up talking my mother into not only donating her products, but also helping with the sale.’ Seungwan admits reluctantly.

‘Your mother is _so_ weird, Seungwan.’ Joy Park joins them right then, entering through the back door of the auditorium hall, where the picnic was eventually relocated. Seungwan’s own stall with cookies is just to the left. ‘Hi, Minseok.’ The youngest promptly adds, acknowledging the only member of her roommate’s group that she isn’t completely disgusted by.

Seungwan turns to her sourly.

‘Cheers, dude, I must have missed the first fifty times you said it.’

‘But it’s true. Just coming into our room like she owns the place! And on top of everything, she kept calling you Wendy. How creepy is that.’ Joy’s choice of words stands in complete contrast with less than agitated expression that the girl is sporting. In fact, she looks beyond bored. With a side of annoyed if you squint.

It’s enough to make Minseok react, though, for he finally grins amused, showing his gums in the process.

‘Right. The realisation that somebody as coarse as you may have a name as soft as that is like a brick to the head - every time. I’ll stick to calling you Seungwan, thanks.’

‘Same here.’ Joy agrees. ‘I’m gonna get going. Have you seen Yerim? She was supposed to meet me here somewhere.’

‘Not today, sorry.’ The vocalist replies. Joy shrugs and grabs two round choco chip cookies before sprinting away.

‘Thanks!’ Is the only thing the older girl manages to catch and she grits her teeth.

‘Those are not free, you little-‘

‘I’ll pay for her. Gotta stay in her good graces - might come in handy one day when she takes over the world.’ Minseok chuckles, before approaching the stall himself. Seungwan follows him quietly, standing behind the table like the sales person that she is supposed to be.

‘I thought I wouldn’t see you today. Or anytime soon.’ She finally admits, voice soft. He takes his time before replying.

‘It’s not every day that you decide to bake – in fact, even my mum made it a point to give me her wish list for this particular occasion. Now tell me which ones Joohyun Bae poisoned personally, so I know what to avoid.’ He points to the sweets.

Seungwan lets out a short heaved chuckle despite herself.

‘She didn’t touch anything. After performing what can only constitute as arson on two subsequent batches of pastry, we agreed that I could handle it myself. I baked for nearly two days, but it’s all me.’

‘Perfect. I’ll take 6 Bakewell tarts, 4 clangers, two slices of the chess pie and the brownies.’

‘How many?’

‘How many do you have?’ He replies, making her smile. She quickly packs what he asked for, making sure to be as generous as she can with the chocolate cakes. She hands him the box.

‘It’s alright. It’s on me.’ She refuses the payment, but he puts the money on the table anyway.

‘I can pay for them myself. I don’t need your charity, Seungwan.’ He looks her in the eye, somberly. ‘What I need is my friend back, all right? You know that Joohyun Bae doesn’t give two balls about you, but we do. I do. So don’t make choices that you will later regret. I’ll be expecting you at the rehearsal tomorrow. With a darn good apology.’ She looks down, feeling remorse again.

‘The brownies are for the guys, aren’t they?’ She says before he makes way to leave. He nods.

‘I wouldn’t wait for them today if I were you – well, maybe save for Sehun, he’s probably around. I highly doubt he’d get away with not coming, it’s practically his family gathering.’

‘I wasn’t waiting for anyone.’ She murmurs, more dejected now. On impulse, she grabs a small box and, making sure that  nobody sees her, puts a few extra pieces of cake in. ‘Pass this to Chanyeol, will you? He hates me now but once we’ve made up, I’ll never hear the end of how I didn’t save him anything from the stall.’

Minseok chuckles again, accepting the favour and waving as he leaves.

Seungwan sighs again and turns around to check on her mother and… well, whatever Joohyun is to her now, and she nearly chokes when she realises that they are no longer alone. In fact, there is a formidable crowd forming around the place, and they are all people that - according to Seungwan, anyway - should never be allowed together.

Good thing that Maggie, the girl assigned as her shift change, happens to join her right then, because with or without the upperclassmen there, Seungwan would leave the table all the same. She rushes towards the pastry stall, looking alarmed.

‘…completely understandable that you would feel this way. I don’t practice, but perhaps I should have started when I had a chance. Maybe then my only daughter would have at least an ounce of respect for me.’ Seungwan steps into the circle as her mother finishes what seems to have been quite a tirade. The middle aged woman that the vocalist immediately recognises as Joohyun’s mother (they’ve met before but either way, the resemblance is almost too spooky to miss) readily agrees.

‘We’ve never had any problems with our twins. They’ve both grown up to be respectable people, and they’ve found other, similar young Christians to surround themselves with. Morals are everything these days.’ She gives Junmyeon and Seulgi an approving look. The couple just stands there, not saying anything, but Seungwan can sense how much pride the boy takes in his mother’s words.

‘Ah, Wendy.’ Seungwan’s mother finally notices her and that forces the girl to look back. ‘I am so glad that you are now friends with pastor Bae’s children. Irene is a lovely girl.’ She adds, looking at Joohyun’s mother. Seungwan isn’t surprised by the name used – their entire family have Christian names, very reluctant Sehun included. ‘Perhaps she can help Wendy find a nice boy like your daughter’s boyfriend. She really needs to stop meeting those dangerous punks… I don’t mean your other son, of course.’

Joohyun’s mother waves her away like it’s nothing. Perhaps she is too used to Sehun being the black sheep of the family.

‘My youngest is still lost, but we are all praying. I believe…’ The rest of the woman’s speech fades in the background as Seungwan belatedly registers her mother’s words and finally takes notice of Joohyun – and Yixing, standing right next to her. Looking at his somewhat resigned, bordering on distressed, expression, Seungwan can easily guess that all he really wants is to be anywhere but there. Joohyun, however, clutches his arm in the way that reminds Seungwan of survivors holding on to their last life line. The older keeps looking around nervously, until she catches Seungwan’s gaze. They stare at each other for a moment, before something else over the vocalist’s shoulder ends up distracting the president, for she smiles widely.

‘Father, you came.’ She chirps, and although Seungwan has seen her put up a cheerful front many, _many_ times before, this act is, admittedly, on a completely different level. Stepford wife level, perhaps, if they ever decided to convert into Christianity.

Sure enough, Joohyun’s father approaches them in a few unhurried steps, nearly dragging along his youngest offspring, who looks anything but happy. Pastor Bae’s gaze never wavers, never softens; save, perhaps, for Junmyeon, who is his clear favourite - that much is clear to even an unsuspecting eye. But Joohyun is trying hard nonetheless, wanting to rise to her parent’s expectations, whatever they might be. Some of them must involve a nice Christian boy, Seungwan finally comes to this abrupt realisation, because really, what else is Joohyun doing right now, if not showing Yixing off to anyone that would look, and especially to her father?

Except that the boy suddenly brings all her efforts to a halt. He will not budge one bit, when he has gone along with Joohyun’s actions the entire time; on the contrary, he pales impossibly, looking ready to flee.

‘Of course I’m here. Why wouldn’t I be? I already said I would.’ To Seungwan, his manner of speech seems convoluted and redundant, but then again, it is nothing that she has not already seen during the previous gatherings she witnessed. She also doesn’t miss the strict tone that the elder uses with his daughter. ‘Is your boyfriend going to help Junmyeon during the sermon today?’ His attention switches to Yixing, who barely even acknowledges what is happening in front of him, his eyes locked with the other newcomer in what looks like an unspoken plea.

Seungwan narrows her eyes, still trying to make sense of the scene before her eyes. The continuous tension between the two boys is nothing new, they have pretty much been on each other’s throats since Wednesday, but-

Sehun chooses that moment to turn on his heel, and walks away without as much as a word. Both his parents purse their lips, trying to refrain from creating a scene.

‘I’m terribly sorry, Sehun is being incredibly rude. He’s going through some sort of rebellious phase, please understand.’ His mother eventually says, looking at other woman apologetically.

‘Please, don’t worry. It’s nothing I haven’t seen with Wendy. I keep thinking that I should send her to the US instead, they still run those military academies for troubled teens there. Some discipline would certainly do her good.’

‘Perhaps you should take under consideration one of our Christian camps, we sent our Sehun..’ The women’s voice are drowned by Junmyeon’s louder one, making it impossible for Seungwan to react to her mother’s offensive remarks.

‘I’ll go talk to him, father-‘ Junmyeon frowns, displeased with his brother’s behaviour, but somebody else cuts in.

‘I’ll go.’ Yixing interrupts him. Too quickly, judging from a surprised frown he gets from his best friend. ‘I-I mean, you’re with family and have to take care of the sermon. I’ll go. He usually listens to me.’ Without another word, he disentangles himself from Joohyun’s grip and nearly runs after the younger, who has already disappeared, having left through the door leading to the school yard.

Pastor Bae nods to no one in particular, putting a stop to any further commotion.

‘Let’s not waste time on your brother. You and I have to prepare for the gathering, son.’

‘I’ll help you.’ Joohyun eagerly responds, momentarily forgetting all about Yixing – his presence did not, after all, leave the desired impression; hence, he was no longer needed.

Her father shakes his head once, but categorically.

‘It’s not for women. You have enough work here. Let your brother concentrate in peace, he will lead the prayers today.’

‘Yes, father.’ The girl murmurs, dejectedly looking at the retreating backs of the two males and Seungwan would feel bad for her, except that she can’t, because her mind is still processing the haunted look that marred Sehun’s usually stone expression when he locked gazes with Yixing.

_Could it be..? No way…_

‘Shall we also go? We haven’t tried the salads yet.’ Joohyun’s mother offers and Seungwan’s agrees with a smile. The latter turns to her daughter with a barely visible scowl.

‘Wendy, please behave for once. Go and help your friend with the stalls.’ Seungwan makes a face at her the moment the woman’s back turns.

‘Are you all right?’ Seulgi asks her best friend, her features full of worry. She is still there, temporarily abandoned by Junmyeon. ‘You never told me that you started going out with Yixing. That’s wonderful.’

‘Huh? Oh, yes. Yes.’ The president nods, distracted. She quickly changes the subject. ‘Listen, how about you go and check on the stalls with sandwiches? I’ll meet you there in a bit. I need to clean up here first.’ Seulgi, who is not used to not following Joohyun’s orders, immediately nods and does as she is told.

Seungwan, who on the other hand is not used to _following_ anyone’s will other than her own, is not buying the sudden, empty cheerfulness of Joohyun’s behaviour. She steps right in as the older girl mechanically moves away to re organise the food on the nearest table.

‘What was that?’

‘What was what?’ Joohyun repeats, mindlessly working on the task at hand. She barely acknowledges the annoyance at her side.

‘ _That_. You and my mother. You and Yixing. Just what in the bloody hell is going on?’ Seungwan demands to know, no longer caring to curb either her tongue or curiosity. She is confused and upset at the turn of events.

‘Stop cussing, Seungwan. And your mother is a sweetheart. I have no idea what you dislike her so much. In fact, it almost seems like the two of you are not related at all, that’s how little you have in common.’ She conveniently leaves out the part about her love life.

‘My mother is a hypocrite, as so are you.’

 

 

 

_Joohyun ends up following Seungwan to her dormitory – must be sheer interest, more than anything else, because when asked, she is not able to explain it otherwise, not even to herself. Parents appearing in their dormitories on a weekday is not something that she sees every day._

_Of course, the alternative is to_ not _stop on Seungwan’s floor and just continue walking up, to_ not _take interest into anything Seungwan Son related and to just mind her own business, of which she still has a lot left to mind. Three days till the picnic and still so many problematic issues unresolved. Yet here she is, peeking into the vocalist’s bedroom._

_She has no time to assess the state of the place, though, because Seungwan’s booming voice interrupts anything else that Joohyun might be thinking._

_‘What are you doing here?!’ The younger girl demands to know as soon as she steps through the threshold. Joohyun timidly proceeds right behind her._

_‘That’s more or less what I said.’ Joy chirps from where she is seated at her desk, browsing through Twitter. Her eyes never leave the screen._

_‘Is this the way to greet your mother?’ The woman stands up from the only other free chair in the room. The president notices the air of dignity that surrounds her – so unlike the havoc that always follows her daughter. ‘I had a party to attend around here last night, and then the deal closure took ages, hence the late arrival. Or do I have to apologise for wanting to see my own daughter, too?’_

_Joy snorts, and Mrs Kim looks at her sourly._

_‘Wendy, your roommate is very rude.’ Joy snorts again._

_‘That’s why I like her.’ Seungwan murmurs, looking around in indignation. As Joohyun is not privy to the previous state of the girl’s side of the room, she cannot guess just what sort of changes the singer’s mother has introduced, but judging by the dissatisfied expression on the girl’s face, they seem to be drastic._

_‘We should move you to another room.’ Her mother continues without as much as a blink._

_‘How about you just don’t come in here and rearrange everything, offending Joy in the process. These are my things!’ Seungwan looks close to exploding._

_‘Making your bed and putting away dirty clothes into the laundry basket can hardly be called rearranging your possessions.’_

_‘And you bought more clothes I don’t want or need! Mum!’ Seungwan whines. Joohyun spots a few bags lying at the feet of the bed. She can vouch for the fact that those brands sell nothing close to what the vocalist would ever call her own style. No ripped denims or oversized hoodies._

_‘I see that you’ve at least given up that awful red hair colour. Does it mean that you’ve stopped hanging out with those dangerous boys who live on the street and play loud music?’ The woman observes calmly, trying to get a hold of a strand of her daughter’s hair but the latter brushes her off immediately._

_‘Mum! None of my friends live on the street, ok?!’_

_‘The new hair colour was my idea.’ Joohyun responds at the same time, although in a much calmer fashion. That draws Mrs Kim’s attention._

_‘And who might you be?’_

_‘She’s..’ The vocalist hesitates. Yeah, just who is Joohyun to her?_

_‘She’s Seungwan’s lady friend.’ Joy supplies, always helpful, yet not even bothering to turn around. Joohyun immediately reddens at the words, while Seungwan’s mother frowns._

_‘That is not true.’ Joohyun nearly stammers. ‘I am her friend from the church. I believe that she has talked to you about the picnic we are organising this upcoming Sunday?’_

 

 

 

‘How exactly is your mother a hypocrite for wanting to take care of you?’ Joohyun asks with the last bit of calmness that he can muster. She is tired and annoyed, although for two different reasons. ‘You’ve painted a terrible picture of her, when in reality she’s a sweet lady who wants to get closer to her own daughter. Why do you feel the need to push her away so badly, Seungwan?’

‘Of course you’d see her that way, _of course_. For you information, she doesn’t want to take care of me – she wants me to be her bloody doll to dress and do what she feels like with. You’ve known her for virtually five seconds, you know nothing about my life with her.’

‘I know that you don’t even bother trying to understand her. You’re just stuck in your tiny narrow world, where everything is black and white. There is no in between.’

‘Funny, that should be my line.’ Seungwan chuckles humourlessly. ‘And what’s there to understand, huh? That she didn’t want me in the first place and now pretends like I’m her precious child? 17 fucking years too late, mate.’ Seungwan grabs her little rucksack from the floor, not wanting to be there any longer.

‘You’re proving my point to the T. Newsflash – people change, Seungwan. Did it ever occur to you that she’s not the same person that she was ten years ago? Five years ago? Even one week ago. Pull your head out of your bloody arse, Seungwan Son, and open your eyes. You’re not alone here – relationships don’t work if you’re not even trying.’ The president hisses, completely forgoing the etiquette.

Seungwan regards her for a second, taken aback, before allowing a tense smile grace her own expression.

‘But you are, aren’t you? You’re so good at arse-kissing that nobody can compare – and all that trying for a person who clearly won’t give you the time of day. You don’t like Yixing at all, do you? You’re just using him to meet some unrealistic expectations that your parents have for you. _Newsflash_ , Joohyun,’ Seungwan mocks. ‘no matter what you do, you will never be able to satisfy them. Now tell me, who’s happier between us?’

Joohyun drops the paper plates she is holding in an abrupt movement, pieces of runny cake splashing all over the floor. She faces the singer, anger burning her to the core.

‘I resent that. I resent your constant judgement – yours and your friends’. I work hard for what I want, family or friendship. Perhaps my life goals are not to your liking, but at least I have them. Unlike you, who seem to be drifting around without any purpose whatsoever. At least I give a damn about something, Seungwan.’ She spats, heaving. This is the first time in her entire life that Joohyun Bae has allowed herself to appear this furious in public.

It’s a miracle that nobody has noticed yet.

‘Blimey.’ Seungwan says quietly after a moment, still in disbelief about what she has just witnessed – and how accurately the other girl’s words resemble her own mother’s. ‘They were all right about you. Every single one of my friends. I can’t believe I almost fell for this. I almost told my band to go fuck themselves over you. But you were never even thinking of becoming my friend, were you?’ She murmurs, taking a few steps away. She doesn’t want to fight, when she feels so vulnerable and exposed – she needs to get out and lick her wounds in private first. But Joohyun is not done with her yet.

‘Friends?’ She grabs her forearm before the younger has a chance to escape. ‘Friends? You and your buddies make my life a nightmare every day. You never let me forget the things I’ve done, no matter how much I regret them or apologise for them.’ Seungwan just shakes her head and wrangling her arm out of Joohyun’s hold, she crosses the threshold and walks onto the backyard. It’s deserted, because the students are either still in the noisy auditorium hall, or have already gone to the chapel.

The singer needs to reach the gym before her legs buckle under her. Behind the gym has always been her safe place.

‘You and I are nothing alike. We have nothing in common. Do you think that I don’t know the only reason you approached me in the church is to make fun of me? To further humiliate me? And you thought I was your friend?’ Joohyun trails after her, laughing incredulously. It feels like the president no longer controls herself.

‘You never apologised for anything, Joohyun, and you’ve ruined lives of half of my friends, your own brother included. Do you expect them to just _let it go_?!’ She screams in the older’s face. They stare at each other for a moment, before Seungwan snaps out of it and resumes her march. ‘I’m a bloody fucking idiot, that’s what I am.’ She mumbles to herself.

‘Did Sehun ever bother telling you what really happened that day? Or are you going to blame me for the rest of your life because it’s convenient?’ Joohyun shouts after her, no longer following.

‘I don’t care, I believe him. You and my mother can both go to hell, or wherever it is that nuts like you have a place-‘

Suddenly there is a low, pained howl coming from the direction of the gym and the two girls stop their argument, looking away in surprise.

‘You bastard! You bloody fucking-‘ The wind is knocked off the attacker’s lungs before he has a chance to finish the sentence, the action soon followed by another scream. Joohyun and Seungwan look at each other for a split second, before breaking into a run. They both recognise the voices.

Sehun and Junmyeon.

‘Leave me alone!’ Junmyeon’s muffled voice demands. ‘ Leave me the fuck alone. I’ll kill this pervert with my own hands!’ That is how the girls find him – struggling against Sehun’s hold. His younger brother is sporting a quickly forming bruise on his chin, blood gushing from the corner of his mouth. But it is not Sehun that Junmyeon holds so much grudge against; on the contrary, Sehun is who keeps him away from the silhouette on the ground, uselessly trying to get up and failing.

Yixing Zhang looks like death impersonated, with his left eye already black, and his lip split. His jacket is torn and stained with a mixture of blood and soil. When Junmyeon breaks Sehun’s hold and manages to deliver another kick to Yixing’s stomach, the latter makes no move to shield himself, and Seungwan doesn’t know whether it’s because he cannot, or does not want to. It’s all the same to her though, as she jumps right in to drag the ranging boy away from his victim. Unfortunately, she is struck by Junmyeon’s arm in the process and stumbles to the ground herself.

Sehun is also, once again, unsuccessful in his rescue attempt.

‘Junmyeon! What on Earth..?!’ Joohyun snaps out of it, and shouts at her twin brother, now mildly terrified by his behaviour and language used.

‘This… this _degenerate_ ,’ he nearly spits the word, pointing at Yixing. ‘I trusted him! I trusted him..!’ He heaves, out of breath. Seungwan belatedly realises that there are tears in his eyes that he is desperately trying to blink away. ‘I trusted him.’ He repeats, before hiding his face in his palms.


	11. Predictable actions and unpredictable outcomes

 

_Erm…hi? Up there?_

_So I haven’t really been a believer until now, seeing how Sehun prays and prays and prays and you just do nothing to keep him away from that loony bin that is his family, but I’m willing to overlook this gross negligence and forgive you. Hell, you’ve more than made up for the past today._

_I must admit that my eyes feel assaulted, but rest assured that I will use what I saw today for good and good only. Well, the good of me and my friends, of course. I can just imagine what Seungwan says once I’ve told her. Though her and I aren’t talking recently, which saddens me a little._

_Well, ok, it bloody drives me bonkers. I’m not used to not having her stick her potato nose into my business on a daily basis. Do I miss her? Missing her is a foreign concept for me. Ever since we met, we haven’t gone longer than a week without seeing each other, and even then we were usually texting. It’s moments like these when I get reminded that she’s actually a girl, not a dude._

_I think I liked her better when she was a dude._

 

 

 

 

_Dear God,…_

 

_Dear God, I want to ask for something horrible. I know I shouldn’t._

_Dear God, I-I…_

 

Sehun’s hands shake as he attempts to squeeze a little bit of toothpaste of out the tube. He looks back into the mirror, feeling his self confidence drain by the minute. He hasn’t been sleeping well and those random prayers – or more like mental conversations with himself – tend to keep him sane.

He wakes up earlier than usual, and for him that’s something, because these days his mornings start at an ungodly hour anyway. Chanyeol is, of course, still sound asleep, so Sehun just grabs his toiletries and exits the room, heading for the shared bathrooms on the corridor. He knows he will be able to take a shower in peace because recently, Yixing has stopped cornering him at every opportunity and part of Sehun is relieved – but the other part is beyond upset. He can’t figure himself out.

His parents are due to arrive sometime after 9 o’clock, their home town situated just an hour away from Nottingham. Joohyun and Junmyeon are probably already in the auditorium hall, making sure that everything goes smoothly. Perhaps Yixing is with them, but Sehun doesn’t care about any of that. He cannot, when he has already become so disillusioned with the teachings that he is still forced to practice. _Just a few more months_ , this is what he has been telling himself since the day his father raised his hand at him for the first time. He doesn’t really want revenge – he just wants to get away and live his life the way he pleases. Except that now it feels like it’s all been in vain.

When Sehun goes back to his room, his friend is already awake, leisurely scrolling through Facebook feed on his phone.

‘You hanging in there, mate?’ Chanyeol actually puts the device away for once, looking at him concerned.

Sehun cannot guess how much his taller friend actually knows, but he definitely suspects something - they spend too much time together, and Chanyeol, in all his nonchalance, is a good observer. Tao could also probably read Sehun like an open book, but the other boy lacks the insight necessary for that. He does pay attention – he is just not aware of what it is that he should pay more attention to.

Sehun shrugs.

‘I guess?’ When Chanyeol says nothing, he adds. ‘You coming today?’

‘Nope.’ Chanyeol makes a popping sound, slumping back down onto the comfy surface. ‘They won’t catch me dead in there.’

‘But you still want Seungwan’s brownies,’ Sehun deadpans.

‘But I still want Seungwan’s brownies,’ Chanyeol confirms readily, not even batting an eyelid. His friend scoffs. Some things never change.

Sehun has the bad luck of running into his parents as they leave their car. They’ve had the same navy blue Ford Focus for the past 5 years, he’d recognise it everywhere, but it’s already too late to change route – they’ve spotted him. He should learn to take the roundabout way paved with bricks like the school wants them to, not run straight through the lawn and into the parking lot, dirtying his white trainers in the process.

Which, judging from his mother’s disapproving glance, she has already noticed. His father lets his mother go first, and takes Sehun on a side to have _the talk_. _The talk_ is when pastor Bae knows he has to behave in public and lets his youngest offspring know that he should count himself lucky for being let off easily. It still messes up Sehun’s head badly every time, though. He has long stopped resisting. He lets the words wash over him, making him feel even worse than he already does.

 _Don’t bring shame to the family name_ , is the chorus of each and every one of those speeches but the holy definition of shame seems to be vague and easily adjusted to their family’s needs, as far as pastor Bae is concerned. If Sehun is lucky, his father’s lecturing will finish at that. If he were to go home with his parents, however, the elder’s behaviour would take a more drastic turn, as it usually does.

When they finally reach the auditorium, there’s already a large crowd hanging around the stalls and Sehun really just wants to get it over with. He knows the drill – he needs to spend time standing next to his mother in case they run into their acquaintances, so that the said acquaintances think that the Baes’ youngest offspring is perfectly normal. Then he can get some food, then he has to go pray and then he can disappear until it’s time for his parents to go home.

But since Sehun feels anything but stable these days, it does not take much to break the routine today. His hands clam and his eyes widen in disbelief as the feeling of anger nearly blinds him at the sight of Yixing Zhang and his own sister standing hand in hand, talking to Sehun’s mother like there is no worry in the world.

Sehun does not care about the punishment that he is bound to receive for his unfit attitude. All he knows is that he needs to leave, he needs to leave right now. So he does. He turns on his heel and nearly runs out of the room, runs seemingly in amok, though his steps predictably take him to his gang’s familiar spot behind the gym. There is that one place, right by the end of the lawn, where the wall of the building curves and creates a narrow alcove, effectively shielding from view whoever needs a temporary shelter.

It will not, however, help if the intruder knows exactly where to look for you. The sound of fast approaching steps mere moments later confirms the pursuer’s identity better than even his flushed face and messy curly hair. Knowing that he has nowhere else to go, Sehun turns his head away from the newcomer in one last attempt to display his displeasure at the company. Yixing’s droopy eyes have always had a strange superpower to talk the younger out of any resolution, even one that the latter firmly believed in.

‘This isn’t what is seems,’ Yixing eventually says, breaking the silence between them. Sehun scowls.

‘Can this get any more cliché?’ The younger laughs hollowly. ‘Get the bloody hell out of here before I actually punch you.’

‘Get out and then what? When will we finally have a chance to talk about this?’ Sehun abruptly turns to face the other, his expression one of disbelief at the pleading words.

‘About what? About how you betrayed me? About-‘

‘I never betrayed you,’ Yixing cuts in quietly. He’s anything if not patient, but he might as well not have said anything for Sehun remains deaf to his arguments.

‘-about how you go around flirting with my sister and I can’t do a darn thing about it? I already told you that we’re over. Over means over. I’m so tired of repeating myself again and again. I don’t want to see you, can you understand that?’

Yixing sighs, letting his head hang low, although his balled fists are enough proof of his hopeless rage bubbling inside him.

‘So this is how you want to end this, huh? A year and a half of living in hiding, of fighting for this relationship to work, only to end it over a stupid misunderstanding?’ Yixing’s face is scrunched in both hurt and confusion.

‘How is this a misunderstanding when I see you holding hands with my big sister?’ Sehun interrupts him bitterly.

‘You know darn well that it is!’ Yixing nearly hollers. He seems at his limit. ‘Don’t make this about the fact that I’m bi. Even if I ever had a thought of straying with a girl, which I didn’t, Joohyun would certainly be my last choice.’ The older takes a deep breath to calm himself down. ‘You wanted this, Sehun. You pursued me. I conceded willingly, but it was your decision. I would have never started anything with you if I wasn’t sure that you wanted it. And it was also you who asked me not to say anything to anyone.’ Yixing looks at the other boy, desperation in his eyes. ‘You’ve made us like this, Sehun. You’ve made us the dirty little secret that we are today, so how can you even pretend to be mad that I could not refuse Junmyeon when he asked me to escort Joohyun to this picnic?’ When Sehun says nothing to the accusation, the older continues. ‘Then what about you, huh? Do you think I like watching you spend every waking hour with Tao Huang laughing and enjoying yourselves?’

‘What..? Tao is a friend. He’s not even gay,’ Sehun pales, attention temporarily diverted.

‘For all I know, you could be snogging him in the shower room every night.’ Yixing knows he’s said too much when he sees hurt flash in the other’s eyes. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. I’m just so tired of you pushing me away all the time. I didn’t mean that.’

‘Then what do you mean?’ Sehun does not back off when Yixing takes one step closer, though he feels that he should.

‘I’ve noticed how anxious you became, even before last week and this whole thing with your sister. And I think I know why, but I just… I just don’t understand.’ When Sehun doesn’t speak up in his own defence, Yixing steps even closer, knowing that he’s hit the bull’s eye. ‘Are you really that scared of others knowing about us? But why?’

‘I just…’ Sehun’s voice fails him. ‘I’m…’

‘You know that I wouldn’t out us jest because it’s my eighteenth birthday - not if you aren’t ready. I just thought that having some kind of goal in sight would allow us both time to come to terms with it. How much tit have we already wasted, Sehun?’

‘I just… It’s going to be hell if my father ever learns about us,’ Sehun eventually murmurs, speaking the truth for the first time in a long while. ‘I’m scared of what he might resort to.’

‘Sehun, he can’t do anything to me. And he cannot do anything to you, either. We’ve already discussed this so many times. It’s all in your head, you know that. Unless you are afraid of losing your family, then..,’ he sighs, unsure how to approach the issue, as it has no solution other than them parting ways. The older knows that Sehun’s family would never accept what they have.

‘No. That family is not healthy, I’ve no illusions about my parents and Junmyeon. But right now, I just have this uncontrollable fear that if I come out to them, they will do something really drastic. I’m just afraid of cutting them out of my life, you know? I feel so hopeless. I don’t know how to start over without anyone’s help after I’ve ditched what I have now,’ Sehun sends the other a small, sad smile. ‘It’s just one paralysing fear.’

‘Are you calling me nobody?’ Yixing, who has taken place next to Sehun, leaning against the gym wall in the same fashion, bumps shoulders with the younger boy in an attempt to lighten the atmosphere.

‘I cannot expect help from you,’ Sehun firmly rejects the idea.

‘I have money and I will give it to you. Something that I have also already told you just about a million times.’

‘It’s the money you’ve saved for uni. I will not take out of my selfishness what you’ve worked so hard for all this time.’

‘It’s just money, it can be earned again. I’ve told my parents about this and they’re cool.’

‘You’ve told your parents-,’ Sehun looks alarmed, but Yixing just ignores him, as he continues.

‘I can take a gap year and work while you finish school, and we’ll enter university together, Mr. Future Oxford Graduate,’ Yixing bumps their shoulders again and this time Sehun chuckles for real, lowering his gaze embarrassed.

‘I may have to change my plans after my gay affair blows up, though,’ Sehun bites his lip, unsure, but eventually starts chuckling again and Yixing joins him.

‘Nah. Those pompous elite institutions love misunderstood queer poets.’

‘In all seriousness though, I cannot take your money. That’s why I cannot let my parents know about you. Somebody has to pay my tuition in this school till graduation. Then I can go and find a job, and not look back,’ Sehun reasons, but he stops when Yixing steps in front of him, looking at him earnestly.

‘I will give you that tuition money – or _lend_ it to you, if it makes you feel any better. All I care about is that you’re safe and happy. I don’t want you back in that violent house. Y-you scared me so much when you said that you didn’t want to see me anymore. I just…’

‘You just what..?’ Sehun prompts, albeit breathless at the intensity in the other’s gaze. ‘Do you really care about me that much?’ He’s not sure where he’s going with this, why he’s pushing Yixing so much when it’s him that should feel responsible for how things have turned out between them.

‘What do you mean, Sehun? I love you. I love you so much, how can you even ask..?’ Yixing stops himself before he says anything else, but those three words have already made their way between them and it’s never felt so final. Neither of them has ever uttered the words before, even though Sehun knew that Yixing would somehow end up being the first one to muster the courage.

Sehun is by no means good with words, but he doesn’t waste another moment and leans in decisively, closing the distance between their lips. As he reverses their position and pins his boyfriend against the wall, deepening the kiss – an action so familiar yet all the same exciting – different sensations wash over him. As they savour the moment, Sehun thinks of all the euphoric times they’ve shared, weighing them against all the ones that brought them nothing but grief, and he wonders how dumb of him it was to behave the way he did. It’s so obvious. Yixing loves him and he’s loved him more sincerely than anyone in Sehun’s entire-

A strong grip of the back of Sehun’s shirt abruptly pulls him backwards, making him stumble and nearly lose his footing. When he lifts his head again, all he can focus on is his older brother and the look of pure disbelief that he sports. Junmyeon stands there, mouth agape, as if the images before his eyes have not yet had the chance to be processed completely. He turns to Sehun, looking like he wants to say something but ultimately gives up.

But then his gaze hardens as it meets his best friend’s, still standing against the same wall like a deer caught in headlights.

‘You,’ Junmyeon spats in a low tone, which surprises Sehun, who wasn’t aware that his brother could show any real emotions, other than condescending kindness. ‘What did you do to my brother..? What were you doing to him..?’ He asks in a eerily calm voice, approaching his peer. Yixing, who is rendered speechless, does not seem to be willing to move away despite the situation.

‘Junmyeon, please, let me explain-‘ Just as his confidence recovers, so do Junmyeon’s fists. The first punch sends the other boy straight to the ground.

‘You pervert, you- you degenerate! You..!’ He strikes again even before Yixing has a chance to get back on his feet. More violence ensues, despite Sehun’s hopeless attempts at stopping his brother.

‘Leave him alone! I started this. Junmyeon, I wanted this, I want him!’ His older brother stops trashing in his hold, going slack at the words. ‘I love him, ok?’ Sehun adds in a small voice at the grief-stricken silence – never in a million years has he imagined his confession to come out in such an inopportune moment.  Junmyeon turns around to face his brother and Sehun already know what is going to follow, because there is fire in the older boy’s eyes, and one that Sehun has never seen before.

Junmyeon punches him square in the face.

‘You just wait till father hears about this. Looks like one Jesus Camp wasn’t enough to rid you out of this insanity, but don’t you worry. There is nothing that our Lord cannot cure if we pray hard enough.’

‘Leave him alone, Junmyeon.’ Yixing stands up, wiping his bleeding mouth with the cuff of his jacket’s sleeve. ‘Stop hurting him.’

‘You hurt _me_ , Yixing!’ Junmyeon turns around again, screaming right in the other’s face. He delivers another punch and his friend takes it with no argument. ‘I thought we were friends! I’ve trusted you… I’ve _bloody_ trusted you and you stab me in the back by seducing my younger brother?!’

‘He did not seduce me-,’ Sehun fails to get a hold of Junmyeon, as the other shakes him off immediately.

‘You scum!’ Once profanities start leaving Junmyeon’s mouth, there is no stopping him. ‘You dare approach me to get your filthy hands on my brother?!’ He delivers another kick and Yixing groans in pain, unable to move away.

‘My relationship with Sehun has nothing to do with you, Junmyeon,’ he manages to let out before the other boy reacts aggressively yet again.

‘You bloody bastard!’ Junmyeon continues screaming, taking out all his anger on the nearly unconscious body on the ground. Sehun is besides himself, unable to help in any way as he has always been on a weaker side. He nonetheless makes a grab for his older brother again, wishing to keep him away just long enough for the other to come to his senses. ‘Leave me alone!’ Junmyeon’s muffled voice demands. ‘ Leave me the fuck alone. I’ll kill this pervert with my own hands!’

Just when Sehun is ready to shout for help, Joohyun and Seungwan enter the scene. Seungwan is the first one to try and help Yixing, but her attempts are in vein.

‘Junmyeon! What on Earth..?!’ It seems that it takes his sister’s voice to finally shake the male twin out of his stupor.

‘This… this _degenerate_ ,’ he nearly spits the word, pointing at Yixing. ‘I trusted him! I trusted him..!’ He heaves, out of breath. ‘I trusted him,’ he repeats, before hiding his face in his palms. He now looks positively broken, and Joohyun cannot help but become astonished at his actions.

Seungwan is the first one to understand the situation and Sehun is thankful for that – he cannot deal with his sister’s righteousness right now. Seungwan and Sehun exchange a brief look which probably tells the girl everything that she needed to know, for she stands up and decisively says,

‘We need to get Yixing to the nurse right now. Whatever this nut job’s problem is,’ she points to Junmyeon, disgust hardly concealed in her voice. ‘Get him away  from Sehun.’ Joohyun respects the command as she quickly grabs her twin’s arm and drags him further away from the group. He goes willingly – the fight has already abandoned him.

Seungwan reaches for her mobile and sends a quickly _Gym. Emergency_ text to Chanyeol, knowing that the boy will appear in a heartbeat, regardless of any misunderstandings they might have at the moment.

‘Is this what I think it is..?’ Seungwan murmurs as both her and teary-eyed Sehun attempt to help Yixing sit up. The older boy hisses, grabbing at his own side. ‘Dude, you might have as well just opened the gates of hell.’

‘Tell me about it,’ Sehun sniffs, looking panicked as he observes Yixing’s agony. ‘I’ve never hated anyone how I hate Junmyeon right now, and that’s something,’ he adds, but the feeling of anger does not project well in his hopeless expression.

‘I’ll beat him up for you if you want,’ Seungwan jokes despite the circumstances and Sehun actually lets out a weak huff of air that is meant to be laughter.

They don’t wait long – Chanyeol arrives breathless, nearly tripping once, since he is still wearing his shower slippers. He takes in the scene in front of him, his expression oscillating between dumbfounded and deeply alarmed.

‘Let’s take Yixing and Sehun to the infirmary first,’ Seungwan suggests before the taller boy has a chance to connect all dots. ‘We can ask questions later.’ At that, Chanyeol firmly nods and together, they manage to help Yixing up. Pain clearly visible on his face, the older braves himself for the  strenuous walk as he steps one foot at the time, using the two friends as leverage.

‘There’s a lot that you don’t know, Seungwan,’ Sehun admits quietly, walking carefully besides her. He keeps looking over the girl’s shoulder, still anxious over the state of his boyfriend’s injuries. ‘That you both don’t know,’ he adds, addressing Chanyeol.

When they reach the medical centre, the resident nurse wastes no time in aiding the injured, shooing the rest away despite Sehun’s protests, and advising him to wait outside once she has made sure that his physical trauma is not as severe.

‘I know that this thing with Yixing has been going on for at least a year, and judging from the scene that I just witnessed, your siblings must have finally found out about it,’ the tallest red head says out of the blue, referring to his friend’s previous statement in an almost casual manner. Seungwan turns to him, frowning.

‘You knew..?’ Sehun gapes, rendered speechless. Chanyeol nods, tips of his ears turning red – whether the aftermath of the strenuous activity or out of embarrassment, Sehun cannot guess.

‘Remember last New Year’s? I saw you two that day.’

‘That’s impossible. I clearly remember that you arrived so late you had to climb up the vine to get to our room. Blimey, you scared the living lights out of me that night.’

‘Yeah… that wasn’t when I _actually_ arrived in school, though. My dad dropped me off super early in the morning – he had some business in London that couldn’t wait. So I got to our room and opened the door as quietly as I could, fully intending on jumping at you and waking you up in the nastiest way possible, you know, as a way to welcome you as my new roommate,’ Chanyeol grins bashfully, momentarily forgetting what he was talking about, while Sehun scowls, but his expression soon falls as he remembers what else happened that morning. ‘I saw you two in bed, butt naked and fast asleep, so I quickly retreated and waited out the day in town. Dude, do you have any idea how many nights I drunk just to bleach that image out of my brain?’ Chanyeol groans, deep blush on his cheeks.

‘You saw us- oh, dear Lord.’ Though he does not mean it, the prayer still slips out of his mouth. ‘It’s because you weren’t supposed to return until the evening, I mean… oh, dear Lord.’

‘You never told me anything,’ Seungwan frowns. Chanyeol shrugs.

‘It wasn’t my secret to tell. I intruded enough as it was.’

‘So what now?’ Seungwan asks after a moment of silence among them.

‘I guess it’s up to Junmyeon. There’s no way his arse won’t tell on me, you saw how sodded he was. He’s probably on it as we speak, since my parents are right there, probably still losing their marbles over my running out on them. I don’t know what to do. It scares me how dependant I am on them,’ Sehun admits, hanging his head low. ‘One thing I know is that if they can’t bend me to their will, they will chase me out – or lock me up in one of those camps again,’ he lets out a shuddered breath at the memory.

‘Nobody’s bloody taking you anywhere, and especially not to that torture house,’ Chanyeol refutes, getting worked up in a second. Seungwan has never specifically heard the details of the camp that the Baes sent their youngest offspring to three summers ago, but Chanyeol must have been well aware, if his anger is anything to go by.

‘What he said. Nobody’s _bloody_ taking you anywhere, Sehun, not if I can help it.’ The three friends look up in astonishment as Joohyun Bae makes her way towards their aisle. She stops right in front of them. ‘You don’t have to concern yourself with Junmyeon, he won’t tell a soul about what he saw.’

‘Why should we trust you?’ The red head boy retaliates immediately, his expression a mixture of suspicion and badly disguised annoyance.

‘You don’t have to – you will see that I’m right. Our parents won’t know about this.’ She turns to Sehun. He displays no strong emotions as he replies,

‘I won’t break up with him.’

‘I know,’ Joohyun says. ‘I don’t care about that.’

‘How can you suddenly _not_ care that when you’ve spent your whole life advocating against it?’ Her younger brother asks incredulously. He does not even feel angry – he’s just… lost for words.

‘I just don’t care, ok,’ Joohyun repeats only, pure anguish marring her face. ‘Can we talk… privately? Please. If after that you’ve decided that you want nothing to do with me, I’ll understand. But can I get just one more chance to explain myself? Sehun, please,’ she looks so tired, devastated even, that Sehun eventually agrees, despite his better judgement and his friends’ advice.

‘If the nurse asks you what happened, feign ignorance. I need to know the full picture before I decide what to do,’ Sehun tells Seungwan and Chanyeol, who reluctantly agree. They all know that Yixing, even when conscious, will refuse to land his once best friend in trouble and explain the matter in a truthful manner.

‘This better be important,’ Sehun murmurs as he follows Joohyun to her dormitory.

‘Oh, it is,’ she assures.

 

 

 

 

‘…er, excuse me? Have you lost your way or..?’ Minseok Kim is the first one to react, looking at the two newcomers in astonishment.

It’s Monday, the next morning after the picnic and also a bank holiday – hence their unusually scheduled band practice. It’s bad enough that the awkward atmosphere still hangs over them all as they try to get over the previous disagreements and fall back into their regular rhythm with barely a week till their official debut in Oceana which apparently is still on.

They really don’t need Joohyun Bae to add oil to their fuel.

‘Guys, please. Before you say anything, can you just… let her stay for a while?’

‘Are you out of your darn mind? I do not want her near me,’ Minseok firmly rejects the idea, scoffing.

‘She won’t do anything, she’ll just sit here, I promise. You won’t even notice,’ Sehun pleads to everyone’s surprise.

‘I won’t interrupt your rehearsal, don’t worry,’ Joohyun speaks up for the first time, looking only mildly apprehensive. ‘I did not come here for you, anyway. But you better get used to me, because from now on, I will be spending a lot of time with my brother, which unfortunately means, I will be spending a lot of time round you lot. Whether you like it or not,’ she settles the matter, taking a seat at a beat up chair in the corner of the garage.

Seungwan chooses that moment to drop her mic.


	12. It took one cheese sandwich

‘Dude, there is no avoiding the elephant in this room,’ Chanyeol observes in a hushed tone, as soon as the rehearsal is officially over and the three of them have gathered at the back of the garage to collect their bags. The three heads inevitably bend together, a familiar rhythm already set between them.

Minseok had a brief talk with Sehun first – the moment the younger put down his bass, the leader dragged him away to the corner, his eyes continuously sliding between the older Bae sibling seated in the distance and the younger in front of him as if yet undecided on the verdict he’d give. Whatever happened within the two minutes Sehun and Minseok shared couldn’t have been bad, though, as the latter eventually nodded once and bidding everyone a quick goodbye, left first, not sparing Joohyun another look.

They are all equally privy now to what happened the morning before, but none of them have seen Sehun until the rehearsal, so it is understandable that Chanyeol jump at the first opportunity to remedy that sore disadvantage.

‘I’ll tell you guys later, all right? I-I need to go back and check on Xing.’ There is an air of hesitation in his voice, and Seungwan definitely does not miss the blush on her friend’s cheeks as he ducks to hide under his longish fringe, but she lets it go for now.

‘How is he feeling?’ The girl asks instead, putting away her microphone carefully back into the case. Judging from her mother’s recent stern reactions to Seungwan’s… well, everything, there may not be any more money for the new equipment if anything happens to the one that she owns now, so better be safe than sorry.

‘Not so great,’ Sehun admits apprehensively. ‘But better.’

‘Are you really not going to turn your brother in? He’s got a loose screw in that brainless head of his. Blimey, I knew he was mental but this is really too much,’ Chanyeol announces incredulously, not minding the naturally boisterous volume of his speech.

‘Joohyun and I told Yixing that he’s free to report Junmyeon – and _I_ still think that he should. But he doesn’t want to, and I also know why. My brother is his best friend.’ He sighs. ‘Plus, if he does, everyone will want to know the reason behind this fight and then… well, everyone will eventually learn about us, my parents included.’

‘I’m not one to lecture you but there’s only so long that you can hide in that closet of yours. Soon you’re gonna suffocate in there.’ Chanyeol  gives him a long, sympathetic look. ‘It’s kinda better out, you know? No matter what, it’s just better out. And if you need money and stuff, we’re here for you, dude.’

‘Excuse me, my mother definitely won’t give a penny to support his gay arse,’ Seungwan playfully interrupts the heartfelt speech, making both of her male friends snort in laughter at the unexpected joke.

‘Don’t worry. When both your families disinherit you, you’ll still have my parents – in fact, they will be overjoyed at this new development. It’s like a bloody rainbow parade in my house every day, with my mother continuously interrogating me about _all the lovely gay boys that I meet at school_. One would think that adopting an Asian child who ended up queer was the best decision in her life,’ Chanyeol snickers, but there is an undoubted fondness in his eyes which tells Seungwan just how happy her friend’s household really is.

She smiles wider at that.

‘I think.. I think that I don’t care about that anymore.’ Sehun clears his throat, still looking unsure. ‘I’ve given it some thought and Yixing is right. It’s not fair to him or to myself. It’s just money – I will deal with it when I have to. But I deserve to be happy too, don’t I..? It’s just become such a burden, to always look over my shoulder.’ He looks so lost that Seungwan grabs his hand and squeezes it reassuringly. ‘So I’m not going to advertise it, but I’m not going to ignore my.. my boyfriend in public anymore.’ The word still sounds so foreign among them. ‘If somebody’s bothered enough to inform my folks, I’ll take it. All I know is that Joohyun promised it wouldn’t come from Junmyeon.’

‘Are you even sure that you can trust him? Either of them, actually?’ Chanyeol asks, still suspicious.

‘There is one truth about twins, Chanyeol Park, and that is they share a really strong bond,’ the three friends turn around at the sound of Joohyun’s voice. Impatient at Sehun’s lack of progress in packing his belongings, she has approached them first. ‘I know things about Junmyeon that even he doesn’t know about himself. He will not say anything to our father, because if he does, he will drown alongside Sehun. I just helped him realise that.’ She takes a step further, and the red head boy pulls back immediately.

‘Gay zone. Gay zone, don’t come any closer,’ Chanyeol makes a general round movement around them with both his arms. His limbs are so long that he nearly knocks Seungwan out, but she dodges the abrupt maneuver at the last moment.

Joohyun rolls her eyes.

‘Your jokes are lame, Chanyeol Park, and it’s high time somebody told you that. Our problems aside, I still do not understand why my brother even associates with you. He’s funnier and smarter than you in every respect,’ she retaliates with a pointed look, which leaves Seungwan and Chanyeol gaping at the unexpected audacity, while Tao, who all this time has been standing nearby, guffaws obnoxiously.

‘Is your sister gonna be your fluffer from now on? Because in that case, I’ll definitely stick around more often. It’s hilarious.’ Sehun reddens embarrassed, unsure of what to reply to that, but Joohyun ignores the other boy.

‘We promised Yixing that we would visit in the afternoon. Let’s go, we still need to stop by the bakery,’ the girl urges, subtly taking a hold of her brother’s arm.

‘I don’t think that he will care whether we bring him pastry or not,’ the boy refutes, sighing exasperated, but the older girl shakes her head.

‘It’s impolite to show up empty-handed.’ Sehun does not bother telling her that he will be spending every free minute that he has in Yixing’s room, so if she really intends to buy a gift every time, she might have to spend a small fortune. Then again, he suspects it may have something  to do with her sense of guilt and responsibility she feels for what happened, so he lets it be.

‘We’re ready,’ Seungwan announces, adjusting the strip of her bang on her shoulder.

‘ _We_?’ Joohyun echoes, looking at her doubtfully.

‘We’re all going to visit Yixing, of course,’ Chanyeol looks at Joohyun like it should be obvious – never mind that he has never exchanged more than two words with the older student. Joohyun just sighs.

 

 

 

The five of them pick up a box of cream puffs from the shop next door on their way back to school. The three boys lead the way, and Seungwan and Joohyun somehow end up walking together at the back.

‘Do you like our songs?’ Seungwan, who has never been good at handling unwelcomed silence, tries to strike up a conversation about the first thing that comes to mind. It feels awkward, though, because she still vividly remembers the heated exchange they shared the morning before. Seungwan vowed in that moment to never again spare Joohyun Bae as much as a glance, but it seems that future has other plans in store for her.

‘No. They are extremely noisy,’ Joohyun replies immediately and the younger girl tries not to let that dampen her spirits. _Too bad because I wrote most of them about you._ ‘I don’t understand how all of you have not yet been deafened.’

‘Kind of like you and your chorals, then,’ Seungwan grins cheesily and Joohyun rolls her eyes. The singer does not know when Joohyun’s brash attitude began, but it strangely suits the girl. ‘Seriously though, are you really planning on sticking with us from now on..?’

‘Not with you - with my brother,’ the president corrects. ‘I’m planning on spending more time with Sehun. I can’t help if he spends all his time with you.’

It must have come off more forceful that Joohyun intended for it to be, because Seungwan becomes silent after the remark. They trail far behind the boys for a good minute, before Joohyun speaks up again, this time quietly,

‘Look, I’m not going to pretend that yesterday did not happen. I know that you had approached me with ulterior motives and quite frankly, I’m not very fond of you, Seungwan. You and I might as well be polar opposites, that’s how different we are. I think you and your friends lack direction in life and sometimes, I cannot understand what drives you. If I had a choice, I wouldn’t associate with you at all.

‘But you and I have one thing in common,’ she adds before Seungwan can refute the harsh judgement. ‘We deeply care about Sehun. I know that I haven’t been the best sister to him but I don’t want to lose him, Seungwan. Do you know how jealous I am of you? You’ve claimed my brother without even trying. When he’s in trouble, his first instinct is to turn to you and Chanyeol. Meanwhile I… I don’t even know him anymore.’

Both girls look ahead, to where the three boys argue, undoubtedly about something completely immature. Sehun’s shoulders are shaking in mirth, good humour sipping through his frame.

Seungwan doesn’t know what to say to that. Sure enough – things at home have never been great, so wherever she went, her friends would usually become her family. It is not a foreign concept to think of Sehun as a brother; a _younger_ brother, too, although they are the same age - something about him just spurs her protective instinct. It has just never crossed Seungwan’s mind that Joohyun could feel that way, even though she has already caught a glimpse of the older girl’s feelings of regret during the conversation that the two had in the chapel.

‘It was never my intention to take your place – and honestly, I don’t think I have. But you guys have some serious issues that only you two can resolve.’

‘I know, I’d never blame you… I should be thankful he at least had you during the time when I lost sight of what’s important to me,’ Joohyun admits, her grip on the handle of the pastry box involuntarily tightening. ‘We talked for a very long time yesterday. So I would like to think that perhaps we have made the first step in the right direction,’ she adds hastily, trying her best to appear unaffected. Seungwan guesses that it cannot be easy for the president to discuss something so private with the singer, of all people.

But the fact that she does lets Seungwan know just how desperate Joohyun has to be for her brother’s attention.

‘Well, until you do make up, I don’t think Sehun will trust you with any part of his life, let alone with someone as important as Yixing is to him,’ Seungwan points out. ‘But if it makes you feel any better, Sehun never confided in any of us either.’

‘But if he were to, you’d have been his first choice,’ Joohyun sighs and Seungwan has nothing to say to that because they both know it’s the truth.

‘I don’t think he’s given up on you yet, unlike he did the rest of your family, so if you’re willing to meet him at least half way, you’ll make it work.’ Seungwan grins in good faith and surprisingly, it brings a tiny smile to Joohyun’s lips.

_Why does she have to be so beautiful, why-_

‘We talked for a very long time last night. It was very… enlightening.’

‘Is that why Sehun didn’t go back to his room last night?’ Upon Joohyun’s questioning gaze, Seungwan shrugs. ‘Chanyeol texted me in captions, certain that you’d dragged Sehun to Sherwood forest and sacrificed in the name of god. I didn’t bother mentioning that his imagination of your church was a bit askew.’

Joohyun scoffs, albeit looking mildly amused.

‘Seulgi went back home with her parents for the night. He fell asleep at some point so I tucked him to bed.’

‘You talked the whole day?’

‘More or less. Went to have food. Prayed in the chapel. Said bye to parents. Visited Yixing in the infirmary. Went back to my room.’ The older girl recounts. Seungwan sends her a small smile.

‘I’m glad for you, then.’

‘I’ve realised just how much I’ve missed of my brother’s life – and I was next to him all along. Not just… who he likes, but small things. After we’ve explained some things to each other, I asked about everything that I could think of. He said that his band was important to him, so I’m here. I’ll go to see your concert on Sunday.’

‘You’re going to our gig? You _hate_ our band,’ Seungwan’s jaw nearly drops to the floor, that’s how speechless she becomes at the revelation. ‘And you just said that our music is noisy.’

‘It _is_ noisy but I don’t hate it. I don’t approve of some of the content that you sing about, but if yesterday’s events taught me anything, it’s that I don’t have to do that to still be there for my brother. It’s his life. If I want to be a part of it, all I have to do is support him. He knows better than to do anything stupid,’ she says as an afterthought.

‘All right then. What else did he say?’ Seungwan really wants to know now. She’s aware that some bits of that conversation might be too private for either sibling to ever share with an outsider, but she’s going to try to get them to talk nonetheless, if only for the sake of protecting Sehun.

‘He said that his friends are not what I think they are, that they always look out for him and that he would like me to get along with them.’

‘Well..’ Seungwan responds, prolonging the last consonant in a thoughtful manner. ‘I can tell you right now that hell will sooner freeze than Minseok Kim becomes your friend.’ Although harshly said, there is not point beating around the bush with this one.

‘Actually, I was hoping to start with you,’ Joohyun admits, looking everywhere but at the other girl. Seungwan’s eyes widen comically, her expression astonished.

All sorts of things are happening today.

‘You do realise that you just told me yesterday that we could never be friends,’ Seungwan points out, trying not to feel bitter, but failing.

‘Yes,’ the older admits.

‘And yet you still approach me like this now.’ It comes across more like a sentence than a question. Perhaps the twins are more alike than anyone wants to admit – both have positively lost their minds.

‘As I already said, I’m not going to pretend that yesterday didn’t happen. Everything that I said, I still believe in. You wanted to get close to me to humiliate me, so you cannot possibly expect me to rush into a friendship that I know aims at my dignity.’ Although Seungwan’s intention have been anything but that, this time she says nothing. She has to acknowledge that nothing in her silly pursuit of Joohyun went how the younger imagined it to go. ‘But I was also harsh and not even trying to understand why you said and did certain things.’

Seungwan licks her lips, a nervous tick manifesting itself unconsciously.

‘So what do you want?’

‘I’m hoping that you and I can meet half way, just like you suggested that Sehun and I do. This time as people who want to get to know each other, not as enemies who let their prejudice blind them before they even begin.’

‘So no judgement,’ Seungwan frowns in disbelief, because this sounds suspiciously good.

‘I can’t promise that I will agree with everything that you do, but I will not judge you. And you will not judge me,’ she adds.

‘I don’t judge-‘

‘Seungwan, please. I don’t know a person more condescending than you are in certain situations and equipped with your rusty armour of sarcasm. If you can overcome the need to throw in an ironic remark regarding everything I do and believe in every five seconds, we will learn to co-exist in peace and perhaps with time, even like each other.’

‘I can do that,’ Seungwan responds eagerly. ‘For Sehun,’ she supplies right after, seeing Joohyun’s raised eyebrow.

Joohyun wants to be around her and get to know her, for real this time. Sehun or not, Seungwan is going to take that chance, because it might be her last shot. Because she is in too deep – she’s always been a fool in love.

‘Well, then. I suppose we can call it truce for now,’ Joohyun ends it at that, as they are approaching the school.

‘I suppose we can,’ Seungwan responds coolly. On the inside, however, she is dying a thousand happy deaths.

 

 

 

 

 

 **To:** Seung-slow

Is Sehun with you?

 

 **To:** My twin

You live with him, you tell me.

 

 **To:** Seung-slow

Haven’t seen him since we parted ways after dinner.

 

 **To:** Seung-slow

…Is it possible that JH abducted him?

 

 **To:** My twin

Sometimes idk whether you’re taking

a piss or if you’re just dumb

 

 **To:** My twin (is dumb)

He sent me a message not to

worry and not to say anything

to anyone about yx. Same old

 

 **To:** Seung-slow

There are ways of getting back at Junmyeon

without mentioning Sehun or Yixing you know

 

 **To:** My twin (is dumb)

I better not catch you setting his

sports gear on fire again >.>

 **To** : Seung-slow

Bloody hell, that was in tenth grade.

I’m not that clubbing any more

 

 **To:** Seung-slow

Childish* anyway I know something.

 **To:** My twin (is dumb)

What do you know

 **To:** Seung-slow

I can sense your condescending vibes all the

way from here, cheers. Don’t you worry, ill

take care of junmyeon all right.

 

 **To:** My twin (is dangerous)

Chanyeol, im serious.

Don’t do anything dumb ok.

Your mother is counting on me to

keep you alive D:

**To:** Seung-slow

On another note, I have a gift for you. It’s a bottle of

blue hair dye.

 

 **To:** My twin (is dangerous)

omfg I hate you D;

 

 

 

 

 

_News. Gym_

_Not again_ , Seungwan inwardly groans as tosses her cell away and presses her face back into the pillow. The holiday was too short and Tuesday came too quickly. She knows that she has to get up anyway, but the text from Tao means that she has to do it now and not in twenty minutes. Although she is tempted to just ignore the message, she opts not to. She does not receive them that often anyway – and when she does, it usually is the juiciest piece of gossip out there.

Seungwan still does not understand why Tao won’t just text them the details instead, but she is willing to indulge him.

When Seungwan finally – and quite literally - rolls out of bed, Joy is already at her desk, dressed and applying peach lip tint with the seriousness matching that of signing the constitution.

The clock on her desk tells Seungwan that she has exactly 9 minutes and 37 seconds before she has to leave, but as it is, she does not even remember where she’s tossed her uniform shirt last night. She groans, out loud this time, thinking about having to survive the entire morning on the only food that she has in her rucksack – a half-eaten Cadbury choco bar and a couple of mints. She has missed breakfast again.

‘How’s it hanging, Joy,’ she mumbles, not really expecting an answer. She is accustomed to being ignored by the younger half of the time. This morning, however, she is in for a surprise.

‘I’m going to confess to the boy I like today after school,’ the younger announces, puckering her lips to the hand mirror. Seungwan does a double take.

‘Oh, wow. Good luck, I guess?’

‘Do I look like I need luck?’ Joy turns to her, looking at her like she’s lost it _. I guess not_ , Seungwan thinks to herself, but only shakes her head.

‘Uh. I didn’t know that you had somebody you liked, that’s all,’ the older girl remarks off-handedly, going through the pieces of her wardrobe hanging off her chair. _Here you are_ , she looks at her pleated skirt. _Now, where is my tie…?_

‘You would know if you ever took interest in my life,’ Joy states matter-of-factly, standing up and checking for any wrinkles on her own attire.

‘I didn’t know I was allowed to,’ Seungwan admits, quickly putting on her bra and the shirt she’s found.

‘You’re not,’ Joy smiles at her, a complete contrast to what just left her mouth. Seungwan blinks, stupefied. ‘I’m gonna be late tonight, bye.’

The singer realises that she has 4 minutes and 5 seconds before she has to leave.

 

 

 

‘Why is everyone so slow today? We only have 15 minutes left till class,’ Tao whines as soon as Seungwan arrives, but she needn’t have been in a rush - she’s the only person there.

‘Did you text everyone?’

‘Jongin is skipping the morning class, so he’s not here, but the rest should be.’

‘And why do you always get all your gossip so early in the morning? This is getting unbearable.’

‘I usually make out with my girlfriends before class, so…’ Seungwan pretends to vomit and he merely laughs, leaving it at that.

They finally arrive, after what Seungwan regards as very tense 2 minutes and 3 seconds, because Tao is on edge and would not stop complaining.

‘Alright, we have no time, so let me just tell- Wait, what is she doing here?’ All eyes land on Joohyun who has arrived alongside Sehun and Chanyeol.

‘I told you my sister will spend more time with us from now on,’ Sehun frowns, not understanding the commotion.

‘I didn’t realise it meant she’d be everywhere,’ Tao observes, a bit annoyed.

‘I’m hardly everywhere. I went to your rehearsal and to visit Yixing yesterday. Today Sehun and I happen to walk to school together,’ Joohyun observes, checking her wrist watch. ‘I don’t know what this is about, but you better hurry. I don’t want those untimely gatherings to affect my brother’s attendance.’

Seungwan catches Chanyeol’s eye over the other girl’s shoulder. The drummer is struggling to keep his composure, because boy, isn’t this new Joohyun a shock to all of them – and especially to Sehun, if his own expression is anything to go by.

‘Well? I thought you had some exciting news to share?’ Seungwan urges, because she really doesn’t like to be late for math. Every time she does, she never hears the end of it from Mr. Walters.

‘ _Well_ ,’ Tao looks at her pointedly. ‘This is going to be awkward, because the gossip is actually about Joohyun.’

The other three immediately turn to the oldest girl again.

‘What did I do this time?’ She asks, exasperated – bored even.

Tao looks at her apprehensively.

‘Sarah overheard two of the Union’s members talk about changing name plates at the club’s notice board later this afternoon. They said that… you’re not longer the president of the Christian Union.’

‘Huh?’ Sehun and Seungwan simultaneously express their surprise, while Chanyeol frowns. Not that it concerns them in any direct way, but it is, indeed, quite an unexpected turn of events.

Joohyun sighs deeply, before replying,

‘News travels fast, doesn’t it? It’s true. I’m not longer part of the Union,’ she confirms. Sehun gapes at her, unable to comprehend the development.

‘You’re not only suddenly no longer the president, you’ve left the Union altogether? But that club is your life! What, why?’ Her younger brother looks at Joohyun like she has lost her mind. She shrugs, but they can all see that it’s not as unimportant to her as she is trying to make it out to be.

‘Because there was only one thing that Junmyeon wanted more than to run to father and immediately confess everything that he saw on Sunday, so we’ve made a deal. It’s not all that there is to it, but it’s part of it.’ She puts both her hands on Sehun’s shoulders, looking at him seriously. ‘I was serious when I said that I will protect you. I let you down before, but that won’t happen again.’

They all stand there for a moment, not really knowing what to say and trying to process it all in their own way.

‘I’m going to go now, my class is starting, and I advise you all to do the same. I will see you at lunch.’ She stops after a few steps, as if remembering something, and takes out a small bundle from her bag.

‘I didn’t see you at breakfast, Seungwan. I thought you could use a sandwich before class,’ she hands the younger the food and leaves right after.

The four friends watch her retreating back before Tao finally breaks the silence.

‘Well, that escalated quickly,’ he admits, picking up his bag from the ground. One thing for sure – Seungwan will not be able to focus on her class at all.

Not when Joohyun Bae cared enough to make her a cheese sandwich.


	13. Who had sex and other tragedies

‘Humph,’ is the sound that announces Chanyeol’s arrival at the lunch table. Seungwan, Sehun and Joohyun are already there. The two band mates are discussing changes to the bass line they’ve made in one of the songs; Joohyun is quietly eating by their side. ‘So I’ve already heard at least four theories as to what’s happened with Yixing and Joohyun, and it’s only lunch time.’

‘People talk about Yixing?’ Sehun looks up, apprehensively. Chanyeol shrugs.

‘I mean, after all he’s a wealthy heir of a Chinese media empire who became part of the local gang and got caught up in drug dealing in the neighbourhood, so they beat him up. Wait, or wasn’t he a drug dealer that stole a million quid from the king of the British underground..?’

‘Oh, sod off,’ Sehun grumbles, making his friend laugh.

‘Seriously though, have they even heard his Swansea accent? I almost laughed the first time he opened his mouth. Nobody with that accent would ever be taken seriously in the crime wor- ouch!’ He cowers when Sehun elbows him in the ribs.  

‘Funny you should say that, with your indistinguishable Yorkshire mumbling,’ Seungwan mutters, but not quietly enough. Chanyeol sends her a mockingly affronted look.

‘Just because us, noble people of York, do not sound like we have ten overcooked minced meat balls in our mouths, does not mean-‘

‘My point being,’ Seungwan raises her voice right then, deciding it’s time to drown the complaints of her friend. ‘We have other things to worry about than what people say about Yixing. People in this school are not dumb – well, most of them are actually, but you know what I mean. They are not stupid, everyone will soon connect the dots. Sehun and Yixing suddenly dating, Yixing in stitches and Joohyun out of the Purity Club and suddenly hanging around us. Instead of encouraging them, you’d best just ignore.’

When Sehun and Chanyeol begin exchanging opinions on the matter, Seungwan looks at Joohyun who has been silent the entire conversation. The younger has caught the brunette casting uneasy glances towards the table that she used to sit at – the one in the right corner of the hall, just next to that one old vending machine filled literally only with Irn-Bru (although Seungwan hates Irn-Bru, she used to spend a significant amount of time - and money - on the soft drink, just so she could stare at Joohyun a few seconds longer). Today it’s only Seulgi Kang sitting there alone, mindlessly shuffling her broccoli around on her plate. Much like Joohyun, she doesn’t seem to have much of an appetite.

‘Are you and Seulgi not talking or something..?’ Seungwan leans in, trying to catch Joohyun’s eye. The older sighs into her pasta.

‘How would you react if your best friend prayed for her brother’s salvation one moment but then joined him at the sinners’ table the next?’

‘…This is the sinners’ table?’ Seungwan grins and Joohyun sighs again.

‘Figures that’s the only thing you’ve picked up on.’

‘No, I mean… you still live with her. Can’t you talk to her?’

‘I have, but it’s a bit more complicated than that. She’s my friend, but she’ll listen to Junmyeon, so there’s nothing more to say between us. I mean, I understand. Until literally yesterday, I was the one to tell her you will all rot in hell. I can’t blame her for being confused.’

‘Are you moving out of your room, then?’

‘No, she’s still my friend. It’s just that… my priorities are different now, so it’ll be quiet between us, I guess.’

‘What’s on your agenda for today, sis?’ Sehun asks, interrupting the quiet exchange between the girls. Joohyun looks at him with a small smile.

‘Not much - I’m done with class for today. I thought of going to the office and see what I can do about finding another room for… for your boyfriend.’ Seungwan thinks that only a light stutter to the word is some kind of start - if not the most promising one, then at least something. ‘He’ll be out of the infirmary by tomorrow and I just don’t think it’s safe for him to return to his room with Junmyeon.’

‘You don’t have to worry about that,’ a new voice interrupts them, Seungwan cranes her neck to look over her shoulder. Minseok Kim stops by their table on his way out of the cafeteria. He’d been seated with some of his friends from year 13 all this while. ‘I saw him moving his stuff to the third floor last night.’

‘At least it’s not any close to us,’ Chanyeol exhales in an exaggerated manner. ‘Imagine running into him every time you want to take a piss. Nightmare.’

‘He’s gonna share with Johnny Andrews from year 12. Rings any bells?’

‘Oh, yeah. That guy is pretty strange, never speaks to anyone,’ Sehun frowns. ‘He’s in my advanced Calculus class. I have a feeling he’ll drive Junmyeon crazy before the end of the week.’

‘Oh, great. I already like the guy,’ Minseok snorts. Then he turns to Joohyun. ‘Neither I nor Jongin want you in our house, just so you know. But if you and Sehun stop by tomorrow afternoon, we can go to the nearby coffee shop. Quite frankly I’m already tired of you, Joohyun Bae, but this dude over here,’ he points to Sehun. ‘He’s like my own younger brother, so I’ll give you one last chance to disappoint me. But I don’t know about Jongin,’ is the last thing he says, before he waves at the rest of them and leaves.

‘Ok, I’m missing something here,’ Chanyeol remarks casually after a brief pause.

‘Something that does not concern you, Chanyeol Park,’ Joohyun’s tone of voice leaves no room for arguments. She stands up, tray in her hands. ‘I guess I’ll go to the library to catch up with my readings, then. Or do you need me to take some food to Yixing?’

‘Oh, no need. He’s being well fed in there. The nurse loves him,’ Sehun responds awkwardly, scratching his head in embarrassment. It still hasn’t sunk in how casual Joohyun can be about the new situation she has found herself in.

She nods and grabbing her purse on the way, leaves the three friends. Chanyeol turns to his roommate right then.

‘Ok, I believe that I speak for both of us when I say, you absolutely have to tell Seungwan and I what you and Joohyun talked about. At this point, it’s like, vital that we know.’

‘I know you mean well, both of you,’ Sehun regards his two friends with a frown on his face. ‘But it’s a family matter. Please, understand.’

‘I’m worried what lies she fed you again for you to behave this way, is all,’ Chanyeol grumbles. Sehun shakes his head. ‘She hated everything about you, but then suddenly, she’s your best friend, tagging along everywhere and playing cosy with your gay friends and caring for your boyfriend. Do you see my point..? You’re too naïve, Sehun. I just don’t think that this will end well for any of us,’ he ends in a hushed tone.

‘It’s not about taking sides, Chanyeol,’ Sehun looks at him seriously. ‘You’re lucky that your family is not as dysfunctional as mine, but if you ever find yourself at odds with your older sister, you’ll understand that it’s not that simple. Joohyun doesn’t hate me – she used to, and probably still does, hate the idea of me doing things that she doesn’t believe in – but she doesn’t hate me. She’s worried about me. It’s just that after what happened between Junmyeon and Yixing, she’s decided that our relationship is more important to her than whatever she was holding on to before.’

‘That… does not persuade me one bit,’ Chanyeol admits and Sehun shrugs.

‘It doesn’t have to. You don’t have to believe her – just believe me, I know what I’m doing. I’m not that easily swayed, you know.’

‘Can you at least let us know what’s up with you and Minseok? Are you two going to visit him and Jongin?’ Seungwan chips in, looking at her friend apprehensively.

‘I asked her to try and make amends,’ Sehun admits and Chanyeol’s eyes narrow in distaste. ‘I know, it won’t be easy – and it’ll be completely justified if Jongin never wants to talk to her after this. I don’t want them to be friends again – that would be foolish to even wish for. I just want my sister to really understand what she did, and I want Jongin to get some sort of closure.’

‘And Joohyun agreed to this?’ Seungwan asks, not even hiding the surprise in her voice.

‘She did. I told her that if she wanted us to work, she had to change. She approached Minseok last night and he said he’d think about talking to her. I guess he made up his mind.’ Sehun looks at Chanyeol pointedly. ‘I told you, I’m not stupid. I’m not going to let my family ruin me again. But Joohyun _is_ my family still, and I can’t just cross her out like that when she’s the one who reached out to me first.’

‘All right, then. I guess we’ll give her the benefit of the doubt, but if she pulls one on us again, I’ll literally bite her head off,’ Chanyeol warns, making both Sehun and Seungwan snort.  It’d sooner be the other way around.

‘And you,’ the tallest turns to Seungwan. ‘Stick to her like glue, got it? We need to keep an eye on her, just in case. But no funny business,’ he adds quickly, catching a grin forming on Seungwan’s lips.

Too late.

 

 

 

‘Hey, Joohyun!’ Seungwan catches the older girl just outside the library. The brunette turns around, frowning in silent question.

‘Is there something I can help you with?’ Joohyun’s voice is measured carefully, trying to keep up the kind appearances. Three days ago, she would have rolled her eyes and grimaced. Now she looks more like a person already resigned to her fate of having to associate with all of her younger brother’s derailed friends.

‘Yes, actually. You said you didn’t have anything particular planned for this afternoon… and you did such a good job on my hair last time…’Seungwan points to the bag she’s brought with herself, grinning widely. ‘Mind giving me a hand?’

 

 

 

‘Of all colours you could have chosen, you chose blue..?’ Joohyun should not be surprised, really, but she still is. Or more like, completely astonished. _Yeah, that’s more like it._ ‘This will look even worse that the red you had before.’

‘Can you not somehow make it look better, though? You seem to have magic fingers,’ Seungwan whines, not expecting Joohyun to actually chuckle.

‘Not even all the magic in the world could remedy this certain atrociousness. Are you absolutely sure about this? Aren’t there any other wild colours that you could try, maybe?‘

‘It wasn’t my choice, ok? I promised, and I always keep my promises.’

‘Do you now?’ Joohyun raises one eye brow sceptically, but still unpacks the bottle of the hair dye entrusted to her.

‘I do, to people that matter to me,’ Seungwan repeats, this time with more conviction. ‘I gave my word to Chanyeol, now I have to bear the consequences,’ she sighs dramatically. The sounds that escapes Joohyun’s lips is something between a scoff and a airy laugh.

‘I should have guessed it was Chanyeol Park’s idea. I really cannot phantom why both you and my brother like him so much.’ Seungwan shrugs.

‘He’s a good guy. You’ll see for yourself if you stick around longer.’

‘Does he also have a boyfriend I should know about?’

‘Ha! He wishes,’ Seungwan laughs before she can help herself.

‘What does that mean?’

‘…Nothing.’ Realising that she’s almost given away her best friend’s secret crush, she shrugs. ‘He’s a loser, who’d want to date him,’ she finishes lamely. Joohyun smiles, clearly not believing her.

‘Five seconds ago he was _a good guy_ ,’ she points out just for the sake of it. It’s strangely refreshing to see Seungwan Son flustered.

‘He is a good guy. He’s just a total loser when it comes to love,’ Seungwan insists, watching Joohyun mix the dye with conditioner and bleach. They have relocated to the dormitory bathroom on Seungwan’s floor.

Joohyun finishes in silence and takes place behind Seungwan, who’s seated in front of the long mirror. For a moment, it seems to the younger that the other will ask about Seungwan herself and her love prospects, but she quickly discards the thought as ridiculous. Why would the brunette even care? She certainly wouldn’t.

‘I’ll try to create a fading effect, it will look more like highlights. That should do the trick,’ Joohyun announces after she is done assessing the state of Seungwan’s hair. The latter merely nods lightly. She’s quite used to always dying her hair alone and has already resigned herself to the fact that with hair like hers, there are bound to be places she can’t reach. Usually, it looks like an artistic mess, so nothing that Joohyun does to her can possibly make Seungwan look worse than her usual routine does.

The older student is right – it _does_ look rather nice. As nice as blue hair can look, anyway – but it’s not half bad. Her strands are so damaged though, that she will have no choice but to just shave it all bald at some point, is what Seungwan thinks in passing.

‘Your roommate is not back yet?’ Joohyun observes casually, cautiously looking around when the two girls are back in Seungwan’s room. Seungwan, who is furiously drying her hair with a small towel - immediately staining it blue-ish – follows Joohyun’s line of vision.

‘Joy? Yeah. She said she’d try to get the man of her dreams in the afternoon,’ the younger chuckles.

‘Huh?’ Joohyun frowns, not understanding.

‘I guess she fancies some bloke from our school? Wouldn’t tell me who and I didn’t exactly ask. I like both my arms attached to my shoulders, thank you very much.’ Upon Joohyun’s inviting gesture, Seungwan allows the other to brush her hair out to a presentable state, but gently dismisses the suggestion for a blow dryer. _It’ll take care of itself_. ‘Anyway, good luck to her. Dudes are too much hassle, they’re always in your personal space when you don’t want them to.’ Seungwan wrinkles her nose in distaste.

Joohyun snickers.

‘I believe that’s only the case with Chanyeol Park and your unusual friendship with him.’

‘What’s so unusual about it? We have each other’s back. Whether we sink or swim, at least we do it in good company. Isn’t that what friends are for?’

‘Not friends of different sexes. Not really,’ Joohyun hums, continuing the soft movements of the brush.

‘Well, they don’t know what they’re missing out on, then.’ Catching the older’s pointed gaze in the mirror, Seungwan sighs. ‘In all honesty, him and I are as far as we can possibly be from being attracted to each other. Even if we weren’t so gay, I could never see him like that. He’s a reliable brother.’ After a moment, she adds,

‘Now that I think of it, I should have guessed Sehun wasn’t as straight as I automatically pegged him for. I mean, he never once showed interest in a human being of any gender, but I kind of am a magnet for all things homo in this school…’ Seungwan muses out loud, letting out an airy snort. She stops upon noticing the serious expression on Joohyun’s face.

‘You didn’t know that Sehun had homosexual inclinations?’ The slight disbelief in the older student’s voice temporarily takes Seungwan’s mind off the fact that Joohyun just called her entire identity _an inclination._

‘No, how would I know? He’s literally never looked at anyone twice in my presence.’ Joohyun sends her an odd look, like she cannot comprehend why Seungwan would even say something like that, before finally responding,

‘Has he never told you why our father sent him to the Christian camp 3 summers ago?’ Joohyun lowers her eyes to her lap, momentarily forgetting the task at hand. Seungwan cannot help but stiffen. They’re suddenly entering a very sensitive territory, considering what she knows of Joohyun’s involvement in the case.

‘He did something that your family thought was wrong. He was punished for it,’ Seungwan recounts the little she knows as calmly as she can. Sehun wasn’t willing to share, and Chanyeol seemed to have known – and was furious about it – so Seungwan became equally mad. Chanyeol’s protective instincts were never wrong and his best friend had no reason to doubt him.

Joohyun looks like she might just let the topic hang between them, but then, to Seungwan’s surprise, she opens her mouth again.

‘That summer I came home from the service earlier than my family – Sehun had claimed to not feel well, so we’d left him behind. I came back, but he wasn’t in his room. I entered, intending to merely clean up a little, I think I saw some dirty dishes on his desk from where I was standing at the threshold… But there were some other things too, poorly hidden away between his sheets. They were…’ she clears up her throat, looking utterly uncomfortable and reddening now. ‘You know, _magazines_.’ She adds with an edge to her tone.

It takes Seungwan less than three seconds to understand the implication.

‘Oh, _popular science_ ,’ she nearly leers, momentarily forgetting the topic of their conversation. Joohyun frowns, not following. ‘Jazz mags?’ Seungwan adds helpfully, to which the older girl suddenly blushes hot tomato sauce colour.

‘They looked so obscene and then Sehun came back from his shower and begged me not to tell anyone,’ Joohyun finishes quietly. Seungwan hums.

‘But you did, didn’t you? Eventually.’

‘I-I told Junmyeon.’ When the singer remains silent, Joohyun looks up. Seungwan’s eyes are trained on what appears to be the most interesting wallpaper stain in the universe. ‘I was so scared. Sehun has just turned fourteen and I was scared that he was going straight to hell. I told Junmyeon the same night and asked him to pray for Sehun together. He said we should. The next morning when I woke up, it was to the sound of my father’s shouting. Junmyeon repeated everything that I confided in him.’

‘So it wasn’t you. It was your brother that ratted Sehun out to your parents,’ Seungwan bites her lower lip, nervously. She was certainly not prepared for confessions of this calibre when she brought the older to her room.

‘It _was_ me. I should have known that the moment I betrayed his trust, it would be out in the open. I did this to him. I didn’t know any better – I thought I was doing him a favour, but I’m not going to blame Junmyeon for my own wrongdoings.

‘Seungwan, if there is one thing that you should know about Junmyeon and I is that I don’t intentionally hurt people. It took me a while, but eventually I did realise that what I thought was good for Sehun wasn’t in any way helping him. But Junmyeon goes ahead and inflicts the pain in the name of the greater good. He’s not going to be persuaded to stop persecuting Sehun, just because they happen to be related. That’s the difference between us.’

‘Why are you telling me this?’ The vocalist finally dares ask when it seems like Joohyun has finally finished her story. _We’re nowhere near close enough to be talking this intimately,_ is what she wants to add, but doesn’t really need to. Joohyun sees right through it immediately.

‘Because I want you to understand that I’m not going to do something like that to him again. Not now when I’ve realised it causes him suffering and nothing else. I know none of you really trust me with him, and you have every right. But please don’t antagonise him against him, I’m really trying to do right by him this time.’

‘I wasn’t going to,’ Seungwan admits quietly. ‘And I think Sehun knows it as well. He knows you didn’t do it intentionally. At least, not because you liked seeing him being tortured. You’re literally the only person in your family that he still even bothers to acknowledge in any way these days.’ Seungwan takes a deep breath, not really wanting to talk about it, but feeling like she needs to. ‘But… like. You do realise that he’s gay, don’t you? No amount of patience and Christian care will change that. Quite frankly, I don’t know how you can approach him and declare your support for him when he represents everything that your religion is against. He’s not going to change, Joohyun. When Yixing gets out of the infirmary, you’ll most probably have to see them snog every once in a while, there’s no avoiding that. We’re all going to be the exact same people that we were at the beginning. If you hang around your brother but keep thinking that he’s sinning, I don’t see you go very far with this. Do you know what I’m talking about?’

‘God tells us that we should love everyone,’ Joohyun responds quietly, voice strained. It’s clear that she’s nowhere near making such a big decision regarding her beliefs.

‘But he doesn’t tell you to love sin,’ Seungwan responds right back, echoing the older’s words once voiced out in the chapel. Joohyun looks conflicted, but she eventually declares,

‘I’m going to be there for my brother no matter what. This is something between God and me. I’ll have to leave the judgement to Him.’

Before the younger has a chance to reply, the door to their room abruptly opens and reveals fuming Joy Park who looks like she’s been crying. The death grip on her textbooks turns her knuckles white and only the thickness of  the volumes prevents her from snapping them in half, she looks this mad.

‘Seungwan- Oh, and Seungwan’s lady friend,’ she mindlessly greets, rendering Joohyun into speechlessness. ‘I need a drink. Now.’

Seungwan opens and closes her mouth several times, before she ultimately stands up and takes out two small wine bottle from her panty drawer. Joohyun shakes her head frantically, gesturing at her like the younger has gone crazy.

‘You can’t give her alcohol, she’s only fifteen!’ Then she looks around, taking in their surroundings. ‘You can’t drink in here at all. And it’s broad daylight, too,’ she tries to reason, but Seungwan shrugs hopelessly and hands Joy the bottle. Joohyun stands up in indignation. ‘Seungwan, your roommate is a minor!’

‘She’s also Joy Park and she’s dangerous. You don’t say no to Joy Park.’ That much Seungwan has managed to learn over the past few months.

‘Joy, you shouldn’t drink. Has something happened? You can tell me.’ The eldest refocuses her attention on the newcomer, hoping to distract her, but her attempts are futile. Joy pours herself a tiny amount of wine into her signature SHINee mug and having turned on her laptop,  faces Joohyun, expression quizzical.

‘Unless you’re ready to beat somebody up for me, there is no point,’ she announces, to which Joohyun can only gape stupefied.

Perhaps Seungwan should offer her own services – if that earns her any cookie points, that is.

‘Did you-‘ Seungwan clears her throat awkwardly. ‘Did you confess to the guy you liked?’

‘He’s a dick. He rejected me in front of all of his friends. I’m over him – I don’t need to like a bloke who’s a total moron. Clearly, he wouldn’t be able to recognise what’s good for him if it slapped him in the face. Which I did.’

‘You slapped somebody?!’ Both Seungwan and Joohyun nearly shout in unison, looking at the youngest incredulously. ‘Who?’ Seungwan demands to know.

‘Jongdae Kim,’ Joy replies casually, her attention already on her open tumblr page.

‘Jongdae Kim… Jongdae Kim from Joohyun’s year?!’

‘…You’re fifteen.’ Joohyun’s astonishment is so raw that Seungwan would have laughed if she weren’t so mortified herself.

‘Yeah, so?’

‘So he’s eighteen. He’s too old for you. And he already has a girlfriend in another school,’ Joohyun’s attempts at making Joy understand the inappropriateness of the situation fall on deaf ears. The girl merely shrugs.

‘So? He can always break up with her. Anyway, It’s not such a big deal, I’ve already had sex, that’s what matters. Dudes are-‘

‘You’re already sexually active?’ It’s Seungwan’s turn to act surprised, while Joohyun furiously blushes at such open manner of talking about intimacy.

‘-only after one thing, I could do it again if he wanted to,’ Joy continues, completely ignoring Seungwan’s outburst. ‘But Jongdae Kim is number one in his year, so we could have long intellectual discussions about maths and physics. He’s really smart and I need mental stimulation,’ she finishes.

‘You need to skip grades and start attending university, that’s what you need to do – you don’t need a boyfriend,’ Seungwan deadpans.

‘You’ve already been intimate with a man..?’ Joohyun repeats quietly, sitting down. She cannot find words, gawking at the youngest.

‘Yeah. Haven’t you, Seungwan?’ Joy asks, obviously ignoring Saint Joohyun and her virtue.

‘I’m nearly eighteen, so _duh_.’

‘You’ve been intimate with a man..?’ Joohyun turns to Seungwan, frowning. ‘But I thought you.. you know…’

‘Preferred licking pussy?’ Joy prompts, which earns her an outrageous scream from both upperclassmen – embarrassed from Seungwan, and indignant from Joohyun.

‘Don’t be vulgar, Joy Park,’ Joohyun scolds, to which the youngest only smirks.

‘You should see Seungwan in the morning, her wet dreams sure are filt-‘

‘Joy, I will murder you!’ Her roommate announces, no longer mindful of her own safety in case Joy decides to end her in her sleep later, and proceeds to tackle her. Joy fights her off, laughing hysterically. 

‘All right, all right,’ she raises her hands in surrender. ‘Stop it. Want to have a drink instead?’

Seungwan shrugs and take a small sip. A few drops won’t kill her.

‘Wanna hear about the guy that I had sex with last summer? His penis looked so flat, like it was about to fall off.’ The two older girls scream again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I apologise, I actually update this fic pretty regularly on AFF, but for some unknown reason always forget to re-post on AO3 as well... So if you have an AFF account, it's probably better to just read there.
> 
> And thank you very much for all the comments, I really love and appreciate them! Have a good day!


	14. Inconvenient enemies and unexpected friends with strange filmic obsessions

‘Look, I think that is more than en-‘ Joohyun nearly falls over when Joy swats her arm in a universal gesture of interruption. She seems more than a tad bit tipsy already.

‘You know it’s true! Big hands do not equal big dicks. It’s a strictly meninist idea born out of conviction that having a bigger phallus somehow gives you a prerogative to suddenly become king of the jungle and do whether the bloody fuck you want, and since you can’t exactly flash people by dropping your pants in public, they’ve created a substitute measurement,‘ is what Joy announces before taking another sip from her bottle.

Joohyun looks at Seungwan helplessly, but the younger only shrugs, somewhat amused. She’s still focused on the film.

‘Are you not going to do anything about this?’ Joohyun questions when she does not get a satisfactory answer.

‘Why, are you planning on calling the tutor on her?’ Seungwan shots back, swinging her own beer in a generous shot. Joohyun stiffens at the words.

‘Well, no, but… But you can’t let her intoxicate herself like this on the school grounds,’ the older sighs, unsuccessfully trying to retrieve the bottle from Joy’s hands. The younger swats her hand away, making herself more comfortable on the mountain of pillows that she has created.

‘Relax. I won’t let anything happen to her. Once she’s done with her rant, she’ll fall asleep like a baby that she is,’ Seungwan appeases, looking at Joy fondly, to which Joy flips her an annoyed middle finger behind Joohyun’s back.

Seungwan’s words have Joohyun frown even harder.

‘So this has happened before?’

‘Ah, once or twice. Her brain is so big that she needs to let off steam every once in a while, otherwise I fear that it might just explode. Right, Joy?’ Seungwan’s eyes remain on the screen.

‘Fuck off,’ the person in question responds without any heat, taking one more sip of her beverage and leaning in to get a better look at the video that is still playing on Seungwan’s laptop. ‘Why are you so obsessed with this film? You watch it all the time.’

‘Come on, not all the time. I just like having some white noise in the background when I drink and such,’ Seungwan denies weakly. Joy gives her a pitiful look.

‘You do too, you literally watch it all the time. It’s like, the only film you saved on your laptop or something.’

‘I don’t know. I guess it breaks my heart only to mend it back again,’ Seungwan responds wistfully, finishing the rest of her beer in one go.

‘I wasn’t aware you had a heart,’ Joohyun cuts in, and the now blue-haired girl would feel offended if not for the rare, playful tone to the older’s words.

‘Touché,’ the singer grins, reaching for another can of Budweiser.

‘What is this film, anyway?’ Having given up on Joy, Joohyun slides onto the floor, taking her spot right by Seungwan in attempt to discern the narrative.

‘Well, it’s about two women falling in love, so stay away until you’re sure it won’t give you a heart attack,’ Seungwan laughs, but appreciates the older student’s interest all the same. Having her as a friend in the past few days have been quite an overwhelming experience in itself, even if the realist in Seungwan knows that Joohyun has recently had very limited options to keep company with and is probably simply lonely.

‘Very funny,’ Joohyun scowls, but it’s only partially reprimanding. ‘I have eyes, I can see that they’re holding hands.’

‘It’s called _Saving Face_ and it’s about this Chinese ladette who cannot make up her mind whether she wants to get it on with her dancer girlfriend or-‘

Seungwan immediately interrupts Joy’s monologue, sitting up straight in indignation.

‘Oh my fucking god, ok. First of all, Wil is not a ladette, where did you even get that idea from? She’s a strong educated woman who is afraid of making her sexual identity known to her family, which is, by the way, comprised solely of judgemental pricks. And Victoria is a beautiful dancer who wants to be with Wil, but it’s hard when the other person is still so deep in the closet.’

‘It says here that her name is Vivian,’ is Joy’s only response. She scrolls through Wikipedia on her mobile once again, just for confirmation. ‘Yup, Vivian.’

‘Well, in my head she’s not called Vivian, she’s Victoria. What kind of name is Vivian, anyway? This character absolutely cannot be called Vivian, she looks like Victoria. This is this film’s only flaw.’

‘Considering that this is a low budget indie flick shot in three weeks in New York of all places, I beg to differ. It’s cheesy as hell, at least the parts I’ve seen,’ Joy shrugs.

‘Oh, sod off. You try being an Asian lesbian for a day and see how you like it. There is so little out there in the media for people like me that I’ve had no choice but to learn to cherish what I have. And personally, I think that we could have done much worse than Wilhelmina Pang who is a surgeon with a hot girlfriend,’ as the words leave her mouth, the two women on screen separate at the airport, seemingly forever. Joohyun frowns, now looking mildly invested in the plot despite the vague explanation. 

‘They just split up,’ she says to no one in particular.

‘They will get back together in no time. It’s a rom-com. A fairy tale. It’s meant to make cynical members of oppressed minorities like me believe that we actually deserve shit, and it doesn’t necessarily have to come in the shape of what modern heteronormative cultures dictate that we must want to have,’ by the time Seungwan finishes her tirade, the two protagonists are already in each other’s arms, slow dancing and kissing despite their elders’ disapproval.

‘I can’t say that I know what it’s like to desire women, but I must agree with you, Seungwan, that those supposedly mighty Willies are not really that great. They usually look like old, dried prunes,‘ Joy nods knowingly, to which the singer scowls, making gagging sounds.

‘Why does everyone call it a Willy on this side of the country, it’s disgusting.’

‘They do, don’t they,’ Joy urges and Seungwan scoffs.

‘Yes, I’ve seen one and do not wish to repeat the experience,’ she concurs, to which the youngest hums satisfied and plops on the bed, eyes already closing. For all the tricks that Joy Park carries up her sleeve, she has yet to successfully conquer the amount of alcohol that even slightly exceeds 250 ml. ‘To paraphrase a certain wise heroine, men might be essential for reproduction, but not necessary for pleasure. I’ll stick with my own hand if I have to, cheers,’ she concludes and Joy releases one more gleeful shriek.

‘You just bloody quoted Wonder Woman! Yerim loves her so much, we were at the cinema just two nights ago…’ The girl reveals with her last breath before completely dozing off.

Joohyun sighs at the sight. She gets up from the floor and attempts to rearrange the youngest in hopes of the latter not choking herself in her sleep.

‘So you used to like boys as well.’ It takes a moment for the vocalist to realise that the question, but more like a statement, has indeed been posed - and by Joohyun, of all people.

The younger turns around to look at the other, who immediately lowers her head, busying herself with making Joy comfortable in the position in which she ultimately dropped onto the mattress. It is not an easy feat to wrestle a blanket from underneath a nearly 130 pound unconscious body, so Seungwan stands up and mercifully helps the older move Joy.

‘Why? Are you by any chance hoping that I’m not beyond saving?’ She jokes when both of them sit back down on the floor, but Joohyun remains serious.

‘I’m just trying to understand. It’s awkward to ask my brother those questions,’ she admits, shrugging lightly.

‘Just don’t push it, all right? There’s not much to understand here, you’re not studying a foreign species,’ although Seungwan means for it to sound humorous, it still comes across as mildly annoyed and Joohyun quickly picks up on that.

‘I’m sorry,’ she whispers, not knowing what else to say. She looks down on her hands, absentmindedly playing with cuffs of her uniform shirt. Seungwan sighs, not quite used to Joohyun being this docile.

‘What I mean is, you don’t have to get that deep. You just have to accept that not everything is black and white. That would just be too easy, you know?’ When the older remain silent, Seungwan adds. ‘Yeah, I’ve been with a guy. I was fourteen and already late, since half of my class had lost their virginity at the summer camp that year. Personally, I had spent mine re-watching old episodes of _The L Word_ and thinking that although none of those women even remotely resembled me in face or character, at least I wasn’t so horribly alone in my desires. At least somebody on TV thought it was not a totally horrible idea for a girl to kiss another girl if they liked each other.

‘Then I went back to school and everyone was talking about boys and their dicks, but no one ever mentioned dating girls, even once.’ Seungwan hesitates for a second, before continuing in a quieter voice, ‘I felt so bad for myself, you know? So bad and unwanted. I ended up going with the first lad that approached me, thinking that my repulsion with men must be just a phase. To his defence, he wasn’t a complete arsehole – he took me out on a date first and then we did it in his room. I’d say that in the end, we just used each other to get what we wanted. Still top three of the most awkward moments of my life, though.’

When Seungwan realises the somber mood that she involuntarily introduced between them, she looks up to Joohyun, who looks mildly terrified. Despite herself, Seungwan bursts out laughing.

‘It’s all water under the bridge now, so no need to make that face. I’m just saying that nobody in their right mind would choose to be queer, you know? Do you think that people like Yixing take pleasure in being beat up by the likes of homophobic wankers like Junmyeon? Back in Oakham, I used to hate myself so much, you have no idea. And for what? For something that is natural and shouldn’t even be questioned, since it’s nobody’s business who I love and how I love. So the only thing that _you_ need to understand is that nobody chooses to be gay, ok? Not when they know they’re gonna get infinite amount of crap from people like your congregation just for existing.’

‘I’m sorry,’ Joohyun eventually repeats, not sure what else to say. Seungwan shrugs, taking a sip of her beer, just to have something to do.

‘Want one?’ She offers, not really expecting Joohyun to take it, so she’s in for a surprise when the girl does.

Predictably, Joohyun fumbles with the can like it’s the first time she has even been handed one – who knows, perhaps it is – and grimaces at the first sip. Seungwan likes her brew stronger, so she keeps only darker ale.

‘How can you drink this? It’s not even good,’ the older complains, making the vocalist laugh.

‘It takes some time to get used to,’ she only replies, finishing her own helping. ‘Wanna watch another film or do you have something better to do?’

Joohyun’s expression falls for a split second before returning to its previous state of subdued calmness.

‘What else would I do on a Tuesday afternoon,’ she says, almost as an afterthought. Seungwan immediately concludes that the other is thinking about the prayers that she’d otherwise be preparing for right now in the chapel.

Not knowing what else to say, the singer makes an energetic move forward, opening her film file.

‘So what kind of films do you usually watch? Like, what’s your favourite one? Maybe I have it downloaded,’ she gestures at her laptop. Joohyun shrugs.

‘I’ve never really been that interested in cinema. My parents always encouraged us to watch documentaries instead.’

‘You must have something you fancy watching, though? Films about churches? Religion? Angels? Sinners burn?’ Seungwan grins, to which Joohyun replies weakly,

‘This is not funny,’ but her heart does not even seem to be invested anymore in their once regular, petty arguments, so the singer shuts up and plays the one film that she knows will lift anyone’s spirits.

‘What do you mean, you’ve never seen _Mulan_?’ She nearly shrieks at the older’s casual remark. Joohyun shrugs unsurely.

‘It looks fun, though?’ She smiles innocently, trying to appear eager as compensation for her filmic incompetency.

‘Mulan is the one feminist character in the sea of Disney’s helpless damsels in distress. She’s amazing, she-‘

‘She has a talking lizard,’ Joohyun supplies helpfully, making herself more comfortable on the blanket and nibbling on the choco cookies that Seungwan found in her desk drawer. It looks like the girls might miss dinner after all.

‘It’s a dragon, mind you, and when everyone wants to _make a man out of her_ , she just goes ahead a becomes her own person. She’s just-‘

‘You know that you’re way too emotionally invested in this cartoon, don’t you,’ Joohyun chuckles a little and Seungwan slumps onto the blanket immediately, ears red in embarrassment. The beer is getting to her head. ‘But it’s kinds of cute,’ the brunette adds as an afterthought. Seungwan looks up, thinking she’s heard wrong. ‘You’re not a bad person to have around, at least sometimes,’ the older girl says quickly, when she sees a greasy smile blooming on the other’ face.

‘Thank you?’ When Joohyun laughs – even _at her_ – Seungwan’s head goes light.

‘You have a horrible habit of blabbering, but… you’re not a bad person. This is the last time I’m going to say this, but I regret having treated you the way I did before. You weren’t always nice to me, but neither was I. I guess we all have our bad days.’

‘Recently you’ve been so nice to me that it’s actually scarier than when you’re… well, you,’ Seungwan admits and Joohyun laughs again.

‘Who says I’m not myself now? You just have to deserve to get on my good side,’ the other explains nonchalantly, reaching for another cookie and, surprisingly, her can of beer.

‘That doesn’t sound like a bad idea,’ the vocalist admits and snuggles into the nest she’s made for herself in the sea of pillows that she owns. If there is one thing that Joy and Seungwan have in common, it’s browsing eBay in the darkest hours of the night and impulsively purchase the fluffiest cushions they can find. ‘Let’s watch the film, you’re gonna love it.’

They stay like this for a while, quietly laughing at the protagonists’ antics and occasionally exchange comments about the plot. Around the time Li Shang finally discovers that Mulan is a woman, Joohyun asks,

‘You said that you used to hate yourself. How did you… did you ever stop?’ Without turning around, Seungwan bites her lip in thought; it’s not like she did not see this question coming.

‘There was somebody that helped me realise that I was worth more than the crap I was getting from those narrow-minded twats at school. Her name was Sunyoung,’ the singer replies reluctantly, revealing more than she initially intended to.

‘What happened to her?’ Joohyun probes again when it becomes clear that Seungwan will not say anything else on her own accord.

‘I moved away, it ended,’ she hastily explains. She can tell that Joohyun does not fully believe her, but that she also does not feel that it is her place to interrogate further.

‘Can I ask you something else?’ Joohyun tries again and this time, Seungwan does turn to face the older. She nods once. ‘Were you really expelled from Oakham?’

‘I was not,’ Seungwan denies at once, turning back to the screen. ‘I was not, but I was given little choice. My parents voluntarily pulled me out of school so the things they were not comfortable with wouldn’t go on my permanent record. Trent took me in when my mother offered to double the tuition fee.’

Although the unspoken query hangs between them, Joohyun has enough tact not to voice it out. She knows that Seungwan will not answer it anyway. The brunette turns back to catch the ending of the animation.

 

 

 

 

 

‘Sick,’ Chanyeol says in approval as soon as she spots Seungwan’s blue head among the other students slowly making their way through the corridor on the second floor. He gives her two thumbs up and what the singer thinks is his dumbest grin, and the combination inevitably makes her scoff.

‘You’re the sick one for picking this colour. Mrs. Davis will shave me bald during homeroom, you can bet on it,’ she says sourly, falling into step next to her friend as they make their way to their first class.

‘Oh, I have,’ Chanyeol reassures, earning himself another grimace from his shorter companion. ‘Tao thinks she’ll ask you to leave the classroom and come back when you’ve dyed it something more appropriate. But you can’t,’ he grins devilishly. ‘So my fiver says you’ll weasel yourself out of that one somehow. I believe in you.’

‘You just want Tao’s money.’

‘Well, that too.’

They reach their social science class and take desks next to each other, at the very back where Chanyeol’s height does not infuriate fellow students who actually want to be able to see the blackboard. Once they have their books out, the drummer quickly looks around and leans in.

‘So about that thing that I told you last time…’

‘You can’t possibly expect me to remember every single thing you tell me, dude. I mean, you literally text me the time you’re gonna brush your teeth. Speaking of oversharing-‘

‘Not that, dumb!’ Chanyeol impatiently interrupts. ‘About _the thing I saw the other night_ ,’ his voice turns into near whisper despite the continuous buzz around them. Seungwan frowns.

‘Huh?’

‘I’m gonna get even with Junmyeon on Sehun’s behalf,’ Chanyeol adds, leaning away and looking very much proud of himself.

‘Fucking hell, what did you do again, Chanyeol Park?!’ The singer raises her voice and the boy immediately places a hand over her mouth.

‘Shush! Do you want everyone to know?’ He urges, but she shakes him away without much consideration.

‘What in the bloody hell? Sehun doesn’t want you to do anything for him, and especially not anything stupid and pointless.’

 ‘Correction; he doesn’t want me to involve his sister, so I’mma leave Joohyun out of this, but otherwise-

‘No,’ Seungwan interrupts, looking at him pointedly. ‘Sehun doesn’t want, or need, you to do anything to anyone. You know that his situation is already bad as it is. Do you even have a brain, you twat? Hello?’ She pinches his left ear, making him groan in pain. He pushes her away, annoyed.

‘Well, I’m sorry that you’re too bloody chicken, but I’m gonna do right by my friend. Eye for an eye, it’s only fair. No worries, nobody’s gonna trace this back to us, I know a bloke in town. I’m not gonna stand and do nothing when that arsehole is responsible for ruining everyone’s lives. Junmyeon deserves what’s coming to him.’

‘Chanyeol, what are you even talking about? Chanyeol?’

The girl’s attempts at grabbing his elbow leave the boy unimpressed. He has already decided not to pay her any heed at least until the end of the period, so Seungwan can only sigh impatiently and hope that it is nothing that will land them all in jail. Despite their slowly developing relationship, the singer somehow doubts that Joohyun will come and visit her in her cell.          

 

  

 

 

 

Joohyun takes a deep breath as she enters her first class of the day. Yesterday was not that bad, mostly because she only had two periods in the morning and the majority of the student body decided to skip those, opting to extend the already longer weekend. But today everyone is back and everything is seemingly back to normal – but at the same time, nothing is the same.

She has heard them this morning, the whispers during breakfast that she has shared with Seungwan Son, currently the only female student that Joohyun can name a somewhat closer companion. Seulgi has not said a word to her since Monday, only sending her vaguely sympathetic looks from time to time – Junmyeon must have surely told her that Joohyun is possessed or something of that kind. In all honesty, Joohyun wonders herself if that is not the case indeed. But when she sees how happy Sehun is to see her, and how readily he takes to including her in his daily tasks, she thinks that she has made the right choice.

Even if choosing between brothers, out of whom one is her twin, hurts a lot. But doing the right thing is never easy.

When Joohyun enters through the door, she is not surprised to notice the many pairs of eyes following her with varying degrees of surprise, disgust and even fascination. Until Sunday, she was in one fellowship with some of them and most of them have probably already heard this or that distorted version of the truth behind her abrupt resignation. No doubt Junmyeon has filled them in on the developments _– his way_. Again, it hurts, but it actually does not bother her as much as she thought that it would. She has never been close with any of those class mates, so she truly mourns only those few who’s attention matters to her.

Her two-seat desk is empty; a quick glimpse to the left reveals that Seulgi has moved to sit by Junmyeon, who challengingly looks his sister in the eye as she stops to look around. Junmyeon does not scare Joohyun – and _he himself_ would have to be immensely naïve to think otherwise. But they no longer see eye to eye; they no longer want the same thing. Joohyun wants to protect her family, even if at first glance it appears to be an inconvenient choice; but Junmyeon just wants to rid himself of that inconvenience.

She can take the empty desk closer to the front of the classroom, of course, but something makes her approach the other free chair at the back instead. Yixing Zhang, who was once a proud owner of the place at present taken by Junmyeon’s girlfriend, is seated there by himself, uselessly pretending to be skimming through his notes – but the deep bow of his head and the glossiness of his eyes give him away to anyone who would choose to stand within a feet or two from him. Despite the rest he has taken in the infirmary over the past few days, he looks exhausted - and the bruises on his face, now changing into an awful yellowish colour, do not help his case in any way.

He clearly startles when she approaches, not expecting company, but manages to send her a shadow of a smile as he removes his bag from the chair next to himself. Joohyun takes the seat, still pretending that she does not hear their whispers. She does not even know if they are still being repeated or whether they are something that she has already retained in memory.

 _Sinner. Fake. Hypocrite_.

The way Yixing’s fingers tighten around his pen tells Joohyun that he hears them too; some of them perhaps even directly target him. In an unexpected, even for herself, gesture of solidarity, she gently puts her palm over his, discreetly squeezing it in silent encouragement before letting go. They look at eat other in silence.

That’s when she hears it - hears it again. She has caught the word before yesterday morning in the girls’ bathroom, but it still makes her whole being freeze the same way as before.

_Lesbo._

Her lower lip quivers and she quickly catches it with her front teeth to prevent unnecessary rush of negative emotions. It is only to be expected, seeing how she has suddenly found herself in the company of somebody like Seungwan Son and her friends; Joohyun would surely be mocked even by mere association. But although Joohyun has experienced her fair share of insults, this one burns like fire.

It shouldn’t upset her, she knows that, but it still does. She thinks of Sehun, whom her family tormented for years and she thinks of the fear that the offence immediately instils in her heart and that surely must have made her brother’s life miserable.

 _Dear God,_ she prays, _what would You do if You were me..?_

 _What do You want me to do now?_  

                                                            


	15. Don't get attached. Easier said than done.

‘Joohyun. Hey, Joohyun!’ Joohyun flinches as a hand lands on her shoulder, and she immediately shrugs it away out of reflex. Once she has taken a safe step back, she turns around only to face surprised looking Seungwan Son.

It takes a moment for the older to regain her mental footing.

‘Seungwan,’ She clears her throat in a weak attempt to appear unfazed. ‘It’s you. Did you want something?’

‘..Just to say hi, I guess?’ The singer frowns deeper, looking at the other girl with suspicion. ‘Didn’t see you the whole of yesterday. What got _you_ so arsed up all of a sudden?’

Joohyun only chuckles weakly, pressing her Spanish textbook closer to her chest, as if for protection. She has never thought of herself as vulnerable or cowering before adversity, but the past three days are really starting to take toll on her. Because it is one thing to be mocked for something she fully believes in and is ready to retaliate to, but another to try to react to something which she does not even know how to begin to understand.

‘Nothing, it’s nothing. I’m a bit preoccupied with the midterms at the moment, is all.’ It is dodging on her part, but effective one nonetheless, for it takes Seungwan’s attention away from the topic at hand. The younger immediately groans at the mention of the upcoming exams.

‘I’m ready to jump of the roof over my biology paper, I kid you not. Normally I’m not one to care for my mother’s rubbish talk, but I got such ear-bashing two nights ago, I went straight to Baekhyun Byun for help, not that that’s gonna make any difference…’ She mumbles. ‘I’m positive he thinks both Chanyeol and I are dimwits, and he’d be about right. I can’t retain a single piece of information that doesn’t have to do with English, music or our band.’

‘There is still over a week left, you’ll have enough time to prepare…’ To be perfectly honest, Joohyun cannot guarantee the truth of her statement, seeing how she does not even know Seungwan well enough to be making a sound judgement of her learning skills, but she nonetheless goes with a less assuming and more comforting approach. Seungwan only sighs dramatically, continuing her tirade.

‘I am now confident that should I get anything less that 60%, my mother won’t for a bloody second hesitate to send me straight to Marion, this time for real.’

‘Who’s Marion?’ Joohyun asks, confused, setting the pace as the two girls begin walking towards the staircase.

‘Marion is a what, not a who. Marion Military Institute is my mother’s preferred chamber of torture for her one and only daughter,’ Seungwan snorts. ‘She’s been threatening to send me there since I turned seven. She’d love to see me being disciplined by their hand – that’d just give her one more reason not to care about her own parental duties.’

‘Your mother worries about you, Seungwan,’ Joohyun says with conviction to which the younger just rolls her eyes.

‘Never mind Trent - the only reason why I’m still even on the territory of this beautiful land is because my father refuses to let my mother ship me to the US. But if I give them reason enough, they just might finally reach an agreement and seal my fate.’

‘When was the last time you saw your father?’ Joohyun cannot help but ask, taking note of the other’s tone of voice. Bitterness is there, but most importantly, hurt.

‘When I was fourteen, I think?’

‘Fourteen?! Wasn’t that almost four years ago?’ Joohyun really is surprised now. She knows, of course, that Seungwan’s relationship with her parents is not ideal, but at least her mother does check up on her every now and then, whether the singer likes it or not.

Seungwan snorts again.

‘Bollocks, isn’t it. Him getting to decide what I do with my life, considering he most probably wouldn’t be able to even pick my face out from the crowd at this point.’ Joohyun sends her a sympathetic look, because that is the only thing that she can do. The matter briefly allows her to forget her own worries. ‘And where the heck is Alabama? Who has even heard of that?

‘Anyway who has ever taken Geography in year 7, Seungwan,’ Joohyun responds, meaning to lighten up the atmosphere. She can tell that despite her anguish, the younger girl is actually far from being depressed about it and more in a whiney mood, which happens quite often.

‘I can’t concentrate right now. We have two more rehearsals before the performance on Sunday and then I promise, I will study like crazy the entire week. Like I’ve never studied in my entire life.’

‘That I have no problem believing,’ Joohyun quietly observes, but not quietly enough for Seungwan not to scoff at her and playfully hit her shoulder. The older laughs at the singer’s indignation.

‘You should come to the party at Minseok’s house tonight,’ Seungwan declares once they reach the elder’s classroom and Joohyun frowns, sceptical. ‘It’s going to be fun, I promise.’

‘Oh, I don’t know about that. Right now, going to Minseok Kim’s house is the last thing that I should do, I think.’ Joohyun gives Seungwan a pointed look. _Oh_.

‘How did it go yesterday? You know, with Jongin..?’

‘What do you think? It went horribly. Not that I expected anything else,’ Joohyun adds as an afterthought. ‘I felt utterly humiliated.’

‘Yeah, well. Imagine what Jongin must have felt like,’ Seungwan does not mean for it to sound bitter, but it still comes out that way. The older sends her a quizzical look, but does not comment.

‘I suppose you’re right.’

‘Did you apologise to them, though?’

‘Do you mind if we don’t talk about it? Not to be rude, but it’s between me and them.’

‘I suppose you’re right,’ Seungwan parrots and Joohyun only sighs.

‘Look, I’m sorry. I just really don’t feel... comfortable…’ The older trails away as her eyes land on a group of girls standing outside her class.

It’s one of the few classes that she does not share with Yixing Zhang, whom she has taken to sitting with in the last few days. His presence is not really a comforting one, but it is always better than being by herself. She reasons that she should be there for him, and he pretends that he does not mind the fussing, and that is how they get through the class. It’s not that Joohyun needs the moral support; her heart has long hardened while spreading the word of Lord, for not everyone is equally keen on it as she is. Or used to be.

But it is one thing to be brave when one has the whole army of God behind them. Another, when the only person who could potentially stick up for you is Seungwan Son and her gang of social rejects.

 _Not rejects_ , Joohyun mentally chastises herself. She does that every time old habits come into play. They’re Sehun’s friends and by extent, they are now Joohyun’s company. If she cannot accept them for what they are then both Seungwan and Sehun are right – her being there for her younger brother will not amount to much. The only problem is, people of their kind are few and oscillate on the margin of the school society and Joohyun is used to being in its immediate centre. So right now, even having to endure the condescending stares of two mere underclassmen has her world shaking.

Seungwan notices the way her companion spaces out and follow her gaze. She scoffs.

‘Those girls giving you trouble for hanging out with me?’ She guesses, turning back to Joohyun who lowers her head. In embarrassment or anxiety, she does not know herself.

‘Nothing I can’t handle,’ she assures quietly. ‘I’ve been called worse.’

‘What is it now? Hypocrite? Pagan?’ When Joohyun does not reply, the realisation downs on the singer. ‘They’re calling you a dyke, aren’t they.’ It is more of a statement than a question.

‘You should go, the class will start soon.’ Seungwan, however, has other ideas.

‘Awfully gobby for somebody who can’t even say any of those things to your face.’ Before Joohyun has a chance to react, the younger grabs her hands and flaunts it around for good measure as she raises her voice, mocking,

‘What are you two, sad arses, staring at? Never seen a lesbian before?’ The lowerclassmen quickly disperse, probably mildly terrified of a possible direct confrontation with somebody as forward as Seungwan Son, but it’s not their behaviour that takes the vocalist by surprise.

‘Seungwan, no!’ Joohyun breaks the physical contact almost as soon as the younger initiates it. The pure shock of the outburst makes the latter release the hold on Joohyun’s hand, while the older quickly looks around for witnesses.

It takes Seungwan less than a second to comprehend what just happened. She takes a deep breath, but is ultimately unable to keep the iciness out of her tone as she says,

‘Oh, I see now how it is. Don’t worry, Joohyun, I’m not contagious. Though there are still five minutes left till the bell rings – you might want to run to the bathroom and wash that hand.’

‘Seungwan, wait, that’s not-‘ the rest of the sentence lost in the sea of noisy students trying to get to their destination on time. The singer walks away without a second glance, leaving the other with a feeling of deep regret.

 

 

 

‘Minseok, the food in your fridge looks a bit manky, are you sure that is what you want to- _Oh_.’

‘Yes, oh,’ Minseok mocks. ‘Did you really think I’d serve my guests mouldy leftovers from last week? Which, by the way, Jongin was supposed to get rid of, seeing how Jongin was in charge of kitchen cleaning last week,’ he sends his cousin an accusatory look, to which the latter only smiles sheepishly.

‘Well,’ Tao scratches his head, ‘Anything goes in this household.’

‘Are you implying that we have no consideration for the hygiene?’

‘I’m saying that your parents are gone half the time, you’re never here on the weekends anyway and Jongin works in the most unhealthy and unsanitary place within the ten kilometre radius from our school, but the conclusion is up to you,’ the guitarist shrugs, moving away just in case the older feels like getting up from the coach and swinging at him. His fists might not look big, but the aim is precise enough to knock you out for a few good minutes.

‘You all right there?’ Seungwan lifts her head from where she is arranging the bottles of beer – Minseok and Jongin have bought some alcohol, but it is to be expected that the guests will take care of their own beverages, anyway. Chanyeol seems to be towering over her even more than he usually does, a frown marring his face.

‘Huh? Why wouldn’t I be?’ She shoots right back and her friend sighs dramatically.

‘I don’t know, I can just tell. The big toe of my right foot has been tingling-‘

‘Oh, sod off,’ she scoffs and the boy has audacity to laugh at her in his most boisterous voice.

‘What did you think, you dwarf? You’re standing in the corner by yourself, with a big frown on your face. And don’t get me started on your deathly aura-‘ He guffaws again as she attempts to strike him with a pillow she picks up from the worn out armchair. ‘Honestly, though, what’s eating you up?’

A silent moment lingers between them, before she eventually opens up.

‘All I want is to be friends with Joohyun, but she hates the very core of my existence,’ the girl sums up, shrugging more casually than she actually feels. When Chanyeol says nothing to that, she sighs and turns around, ready to mindlessly rearrange the bottles again. ‘Go ahead, say it. I deserve it. You have told me so, over and over again.’

She feels a heavy arm on her shoulder and whether she likes it or not, she is suddenly being squished to the boy’s much larger frame. Before she has a chance to protest the suffocating position, he says,

‘You deserve nothing of that sort, Wan, and don’t let any prick tell you otherwise. If Joohyun Bae doesn’t want to snog you, that’s her problem. But if she’s giving you a rubbish attitude because of who you are, she has another thing coming from me.’

‘You’re suffocating me, you oaf’ comes a muffled, much meeker than expected response. The red-haired drummer shrugs as he releases the girl. ‘But thanks, Yeol,’ she adds even more quietly. Deeming his friend appeased enough, Chanyeol cheekily says,

‘But I mean, don’t sell yourself short. You’re not such a bad kisser. I clearly remember-‘

‘Bloody hell, Park, we swore to never speak of that incident again,’ Seungwan groans and the taller just continues to laugh at her. ‘You’re such a loser.’

‘Takes one to know one,’ he winks and she ends up laughing, feeling defeated but much better at the same time. Temporarily, at least.

 

 

 

It’s not much later into the night, when the party is in full swing, down to the attendance of Minseok’s _grown-up_ university friends, when Seungwan is forced to think about Joohyun again.

Her band mates are all there, as are her other friends. Jongin, whose alcohol tolerance amounts to a virtual _null_ , is strictly forbidden from drinking, but his social attendance has always been conditioned more by music than liquors. He’s swaying left and right with a much older girl to the rhythm of some sleepy r&b tune, while his boyfriend argues his tipsy case through a pointless political debate with a few of his own friends from the law department. Sehun and Yixing haven’t stopped making out in their corner the entire evening and Seungwan thinks, not without a dose of bitterness, that for a guy who stayed in a closet for the past two years, Sehun sure has no problem letting everyone know just how much he’s enjoying himself now. Her annoyance is misplaced, though, and even she herself is aware of it; it just feels better than dwelling in drunken self-pity.

Chanyeol who, while completely plastered, turns much more courageous, is animatedly explaining some story to a group standing around him. Seungwan notices Baekhyun Byun among the tall boy’s audience and takes a mental note to tell Chanyeol that his crush actually laughed at one of his jokes, just in case the drummer cannot remember anything in the morning.

When she thinks she has had enough of the cheerful noisiness surrounding her, she puts on her jacket and readies herself to go outside for a moment, mostly to get some air and clear her head of any tipsiness that might linger. She does like to drink every once in a while, but their performance in Oceana is in two days, and tomorrow they’re supposed to have their last formal rehearsal, so she figures that it is better not to risk it. She muses that she should probably also stop Chanyeol from having too much – as a drummer, he’ll have the hardest time matching the rhythm coming from his sticks with the pounding in his head, should he be nursing a major hangover the next day.

But all of those thoughts leave her the moment she notices Joohyun and Minseok standing in the front door. Almost despite herself, she approaches, unable to stay away when Joohyun’s business is involved.

‘…feel when he realises that you’re here? I don’t want you here, Joohyun, you’d better leave.’

‘I’m actually just looking for-‘ The two girls’ eyes meet. ‘-Seungwan. She invited me.’ Minseok’s gaze follows his peer’s and he sighs, rolling his eyes.

‘Of course she did, without asking me once,’ the boy sends the vocalist a sour look. He, too, looks inhibited and therefore unable to argue for much longer. ‘Take it to the kitchen – or better yet, take it outside. Don’t let Jongin or Kyungsoo see you or there will be hell to pay. Just because I’ve decided to let this go doesn’t mean that Jongin did. I’ve no intention of having the night mucked up because you couldn’t keep it in your pants.’ He gives Seungwan a once over, before chuckling lowly. ‘Figuratively, of course.’ He pats her shoulder once as he walks away.

‘Yup, that was Minseok pissed out of his mind,’ Seungwan confirms to temporarily stupefied Joohyun. ‘His jokes are downright terrible when he’s drunk. But he still meant every word that he said, you know.’ The singer regards the older girl apprehensively. When the latter doesn’t respond, Seungwan prompts. ‘What are you even doing here?’

‘You technically invited me here,’ Joohyun observes, but there is guilt in her eyes – guilt that Seungwan just has no strength left to deal with tonight.

‘You made it pretty clear that you wanted nothing to do with this,’ she makes a general gesture with her hands. ‘Or with me.’

‘Seungwan-‘

‘Look, Joohyun, time and time again I let you walk all over me, and time and time over I tell myself that I should stop, but then you do something that makes me believe that maybe I’m just blowing the problem out of proportions. And then today happens and we’re back to square one.’

She exits the house, checking pockets of her flight jacket for her valuables. She was going to spend the night at Minseok and Jongin’s house before heading back to the dormitory in the morning – along with everyone else – but she just does not feel like partying anymore. She mentally assesses the amount of effort she’ll have to put to climb up the drain pipe on her way to her room. Joy will most probably open the window for her, but Seungwan will never hear the end of it.

Still, it sounds more reasonable than staying here with Joohyun Bae.

‘Seungwan, I’m sorry.’ Joohyun’s voice breaks as she finally turns to speak when they reach the bus stop. The night is exceptionally chilly, considering that just a few days prior it still felt like summer. A little puff of white steam leaves the older girl’s mouth as she hopelessly repeats, ‘I’m so sorry.’

Seungwan turns around, hands deep in her pockets as she’s trying to envelop herself tighter with the thin jacket she has on. She’s not even angry anymore – she’s just… sad.

‘You have no idea how dirty you made me feel today. You might not know it, or refuse to acknowledge it, but you are someone to me, Joohyun – and probably someone important, seeing how I just can’t seem to shake you off, no matter how many times I tell myself that I should and I will. I can take mockery and offence from strangers, but when people who make me believe they care for me later turn their back on me like that… it hurts,’ she lets out, nearly chocking in anguish. She notices that Joohyun’s eyes are unnaturally shiny and she averts her own, lest she might burst in tears at the sight of Joohyun’s. ‘It’s just fucking hurts. At least when you hated my guts, I knew there was no chance of us ever becoming close. I could laugh about it, I could daydream all I wanted – the hell would sooner freeze than Joohyun Bae would as much as spare me one friendly glance.

‘But this… you come to me and you say that you want to be friends. That you want to start anew and you want to support your brother. You spend time with me, you laugh at my lame jokes. You go out of your way to deal with Junmyeon and you protect Yixing, and then… in one moment, you just destroy it all. All the faith I had in you.’

‘I really didn’t mean to, Seungwan,’ Joohyun whispers, not trusting herself to speak properly. ‘It’s like a reflex. Those people keep getting in my head and I just… I just…’

‘You just what?’ When the other is unable to respond, the younger shakes her head, not even caring that there are tears running down her face. Just a few minutes ago, Seungwan thought that she was already too tipsy, but now she realises that she is nowhere nearly drunk enough for this kind of conversation. ‘I’m so done with this, Joohyun. I’m only seventeen. I don’t fucking deserve to feel like shit about myself all the time, and yet I always let myself be pulled into these unhealthy situations. But maybe that’s exactly my problem – _I_ do this to myself. It’s like a never ending story.’

‘I know that my apology is worthless to you, and I know this is not about me either, but just try to look at what happened from my perspective,’ Joohyun pleads again. ‘My entire life, all I’ve heard was that this is sin, that it’s sickness. That I have every right to flinch away from it and that I should hate it. I’m not saying this to justify myself,’ she adds hurriedly, when Seungwan opens her mouth to interrupt. ‘I’m merely saying this because I’m still struggling, and sometimes I can’t help when I do something that pushes you or my brother away, even when I don’t want to.’

Seungwan does not know what to say to that, or whether she should even respond at all.

‘I feel horrible, I’ve felt horrible the entire day. Because I know I made you feel like you were disgusting, which you are not, Seungwan. You are not. If anyone is… that would be me.’ She looks at Seungwan properly, lower lip quivering. ‘I’m the one who is sick, but I just don’t know how to change myself.’

Seungwan can’t stand looking at Joohyun Bae crying what are probably the most honest tears in her life. She bites her lip to refrain from feeling even more pain than she already does.

‘I know that I hurt you, and I keep thinking that next time, it might be Sehun. It kills me to think that I could push him away and ruin what I’ve been trying so hard to build back between us. It’s just so hard to be alone, Seungwan. I know that it’s nothing in comparison to what you and he have been through, but I’m alone in this. I need to be there for Sehun and act like I got it all together the entire time, but the truth is that I don’t. I can’t bring myself to completely abandon everything I’ve ever believed in, but recently, all I do is worry that if I don’t, I’ll lose my brother the way I lost you today. I’m stuck, Seungwan, and I’m _fucking_ tired of it.’

‘You didn’t lose me. Not today.’ Seungwan’s voice is hoarse and maybe somewhat resigned, too, as she steps forward to embrace the other. Joohyun does not struggle, neither rejecting nor accepting the brief hug. Once they both calm down, Seungwan lets go and says, ‘But I told you this before and I’m going to say it one more time. Your brother is in love with a man and that is never going to change, Joohyun. Even if Sehun ever decides to break it off with Yixing, he will eventually meet somebody else. And that person will also be male. So if one day you involuntarily flinch away from him, I can bet you all money in the world that you’re gonna make him feel even more awful about his own existence than he already does. And believe me, he feels pretty darn low.’

Joohyun nods weakly, surveying the ground and unable to meet the other’s eye.

 _I’m a bloody moron_ , Seungwan thinks to herself as she observes the older from the corner of her eye. _Even after all of this, I’m here, forgiving and nearly ready to forget that it ever happened_.

They stand in silence for a few more minutes, when the night bus finally rolls in and the girls get in. Joohyun takes a seat at the front and the singer right behind her. The usually proper and elegant upperclassman sits bent low, trying to make herself look smaller than she even is.

 _This will not end well_ , Seungwan thinks, biting her lower lip before letting out a deep sigh. _It just can’t fucking end well for me_.

 


	16. Total eclipse (of the mind)

_Dear Lord,_

_I’ve been well._

_…_

_Actually, that is a lie. Since last Sunday, I haven’t slept through one night in peace. Seulgi looks at me with sympathy, but rarely says a word these days and I know Junmyeon is trying to get her to switch rooms. I’ve never thought I’d say this, but perhaps it is better to end it now while there still isn’t an open conflict between us. I just never imagined that this is the way our ways would part. We were supposed to graduate, enter university together and then I would be her maid of honour. I had long promised her that her hen party would be just the two of us, watching_ Beauty and the Beast _on East End, before having fancy tea party in Claridge’s. I can no longer even remember why exactly that was her wish – I think it is one of those things that stick with you when you’re a highly impressionable eight year old, sitting in front of your television, watching elegant people take their tea in elegant hotels, small finger lifted and all._

_It’s silly, but the little money I get to save here and there, I’ve kept with that afternoon tea in mind. I had 87 pounds and 57 pence as of today. I should have been more resourceful, I’ll admit that. Not that it matters, since I’ve used it all on my trip to Bath. It almost feels like closure this way._

_I wonder if I can make Junmyeon come around after all, but that is doubtful. I know him and I know that if I myself have not yet been able to come to terms with this new development, I have very little chance of persuading him otherwise. Maybe in the future, I’ll still try._

_Maybe._

_Thank you for not abandoning me. Thank you for getting Seungwan to forgive me. You really do love everyone, don’t You? Please, don’t let me hurt Sehun. This time… I mean it. I’ll take the cat calling. Perhaps I deserve it. Just-_

 

‘I didn’t think I’d find you here, especially so early in the morning.’ Joohyun turns abruptly at the voice. Her younger brother stands a few metres away, observing her carefully, but with a spark of understanding. Shaking off the initial shock, she gives him a half-hearted shrug.

‘I didn’t think I’d find you here at all,’ she admits. Just then, she notices another boy approaching them slowly. ‘Please don’t tell me that you came here… to….’ Joohyun stammers, looking away instantly. It takes Yixing Zhang less than a second to comprehend the insinuation and he chuckles lowly.

‘There aren’t exactly that many places to do the do on the school grounds, but believe me when I say this, the chapel at five thirty am would be my absolute last choice.’ Sehun seconds the mirth at the other’s words. He looks at his sister with a smile.

‘Couldn’t sleep?’ At her confirmation, he adds, ‘Me neither.’

Joohyun moves to the left, making space for the two to sit in the same row.

‘Because of the concert?’ The girl prompts and Sehun sighs lightly.

‘It’s a big day today, but sometimes, I just feel like coming to the chapel and praying, so I do. Early morning, before any of you get down here. I really hating sitting at the front though,’ he cracks a joke and Joohyun’s lips stretch in a semblance of a smile. She, too, couldn’t make herself approach the first bench today. Instead, she retreated to the one usually occupied by her younger sibling and suddenly understood why that back row really stood for – willingness to continue believing despite the self-doubt clouding your mind. Feeling of not being worthy to continue believing.

‘Your family isn’t religious,’ Joohyun observes, catching Yixing’s eye over Sehun. ‘I’d assume that after what happened, you’d want nothing to do with the church.’

‘It is true that I joined the Union because of Junmyeon, but that is not why I stayed. I don’t think anyone could stand his constant nagging if they weren’t true believers.’ The three of them let out airy snickers, almost despite themselves. ‘My faith… has always been different from yours and Junmyeon’s. I’ve known who I am for as long as I remember and came here, believing that being who I am is enough to be accepted by God because what He wants is not pretence but the truth. I still do believe that, which is why I am here. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell Sehun the entire time,’ he gives the younger boy’s hand a light squeeze. ‘

‘I wish I had realised that sooner,’ Joohyun muses, resigned.

‘You’re here now, that’s what’s important,’ her peer replies and the lack of judgment makes Joohyun feel a little better.

‘I miss the Union, but perhaps I miss it for all the wrong reasons,’ she whispers to no one in particular. The same community whom she thought she could always rely on have turned their backs on her, but another group of people is right here, giving her a chance despite everything that has happened between them.

They all lower their heads in prayer.

 

 

 

‘Dude, are you sure you’re all right? You’ve been out of it since yesterday.’ Seungwan frowns, watching Chanyeol mindlessly drumming his fingers against the window sill.

The two of them got there first and have been waiting for the rest of the bandmates to do one last run through before heading out to Oceana. Admittedly, performing four songs is not the same as a concert, but to them it might as well be a Wimbledon stadium. They don’t really have illusions of keeping the group running, not even beyond next year when Minseok is set to graduate. It has always meant to be hobby; well, to everyone but Chanyeol, anyway. But Seungwan knows that her mother will never pay for something as useless as a music degree, so she’s long given up that hope. Instead, she is determined to enjoy it while it lasts and being given the whole of twenty minutes to sing her own songs on a crowded Sunday night has her shaking in her boots.

‘Pre-debut jitters,’ he turns to look at her before looking away again, back to the window.

‘Doesn’t seem to be that way. What’s up your arse? You haven’t spoken to me once since the party.’ In the end, they had collectively agree not to conduct a rehearsal on Saturday, most of them too indisposed to even think about it. ‘Did you know that Joohyun showed up that night?’ The singer probes further when met with no reaction.

‘Huh? Oh, yeah. Minseok mentioned in passing. She’s gonna be at the party tonight again, isn’t she.’ When Seungwan shrugs, Chanyeol adds, ‘Jongin won’t take it well.’

‘You know what, Jongin will have to get over it eventually,’ the girl says, making her best friend turn around again.

‘Harsh,’ he notes, frowning at her.

‘Wasn’t it you who said just a few days ago that it’s always better out than keep hiding?’

‘Well, yeah, what was I supposed to say? Sehun was sitting there, bloody shaken to the bone and scared out of his mind for his own safety. It’s not exactly the same situation and you know it. It was Jongin’s decision to make and Joohyun took it away from him. What Junmyeon did divided Jongin’s entire family.’

‘They didn’t deserve him in the first place.’

‘They didn’t,’ Chanyeol agrees. ‘But maybe in his case, pretending for a bit longer could have been easier than being kicked out on the street with no money and dealing with as much shit as he has.’

‘Coming out is never easy, Chanyeol. But I guess a person like you would never understand it, now would you. Your family supports you all the way.’

‘I can’t believe you of all people would say that to me. If you’re having a bad day, don’t fucking take it out on me. We don’t need another fight right now.’ The hurt look on his face makes Seungwan feel instantaneously guilty. She merely wanted to know what bugged him, but she turned it into a spat the moment she felt that Joohyun was attacked. She really is hopeless. ‘Plus, I don’t remember you ever confiding me about your _coming out party_ , so here we are,’ he snorts weakly. They don’t hold each other’s gaze for too long as the boy diverts his eyes quickly and suddenly Seungwan knows exactly what’s going on.

Chanyeol is sad. And Chanyeol is many things, but never sad.

‘What’s going on?’ She stands up to approach the boy, who cowers away even more. ‘Chanyeol.’

‘I made a mistake. But it’s nothing I can’t handle on my own.’

‘Chanyeol, listen. You don’t have to-‘

‘What are you doing, not warming up? We have less than two hours to get this circus going,’ Minseok announces as he enters the garage with Sehun and Tao in tow, both carrying their respective instruments.

Seungwan sends one more helpless look towards the window, but the red head is already gone, tending to his business behind the drums. The girl has no choice but to let it go for now.

 

 

 

Thankfully, the music has always been able to heal whatever it is that is giving them grief at the moment so having enjoyed the almost flawless rehearsal, the five leave Tao’s house in high spirits. His brother, who works in the club’s management and is therefore already on site, texts them to approach the back door instead, and they do, marvelling at it as if they did not stand there just three weeks prior, waiting for Chanyeol to finish his last cigarette for the night. Most of the equipment is stationary, though both Sehun and Tao insisted on using their own and Seungwan can’t blame them. It feels good to have a familiar anchor to hold on to when everything else seems overwhelming.

They stop in front of the small stage in the otherwise empty club and take a moment to appreciate it. It really is not much but that’s not how it feels at the moment.

‘You guys, this right here is the very peak of our musical career,’ Minseok declares and as insulting as it sounds to their possible future prospects, the rest cannot help but nod their heads dumbly. ‘So treat this temple with utmost respect.’

‘I’ve heard a lot of bullshit over the years, but this has to take the cake,’ Zhoumi laughs as he passes by on his way to the bar. ‘Though we do host bands like yours here every other Sunday, and to all of them this feels like the ultimate success in life.’

‘They’re probably right,’ Seungwan mumbles under her breath, suddenly overcome with dread. Less than twenty people in total have heard their songs until now and suddenly it’s going to be more than three hundred.

‘Kyungsoo’s promised Chanyeol a ten pack of menthols if he manages not to wet himself up there,’ Tao jokes but it falls on deaf ears, because the tall drummer looks like he might not win the ridiculous bet after all, that’s how pale he is and how heavy his breathing sounds.

‘So whom should I say is performing?’ The stage manager, previously introduced to them as one David, approaches the group with his clip folder. ‘You must be the only nameless band I’ve seen in my entire time here. Usually they take so long thinking up the name, there’s not enough time to make sure they actually sound decent,’ he snorts, albeit jokingly.

Minseok looks to all his members for confirmation before he smiles and says,

‘We are Verbal Explosion.’ All of them grin at the name they agreed on during one of their last rehearsals. _Now_ it feels real.

 

 

 

Seungwan knew that Joohyun was going to be there, but the reality of her watchful eyes doesn’t really sink in until after the performance. The older girl had not approached them beforehand, lest she might break their concentration which in Seungwan’s case would be completely justified. The five of them tried to shrug off the nervousness and joke around for as long as they could, but after first bands started their run-throughs, the group retreated to the back, solemnly awaiting their turn in silence. Even the beer that Minseok, the only one among them to be able to legally drink, bought for himself as a form of stress relief, ended up untouched. Seungwan invited tons of people, but in that moment, she really did not want to know who exactly was going to watch her sing her heart out.

In retrospect, Seungwan Son does not remember much of what happened at the club. The first milestone was David calling them out on stage before Seungwan - the only one with a mic apart from Tao, but they all knew he would rather choke than say anything publically – managed to come up with some decent greeting for the audience. The second memory was when she nearly slipped on stage, a moment that will surely haunt her years later, when she’s become a boring person with a boring job, just trying to fall asleep after a hard day’s work. _Nobody noticed_ , Minseok would assure her, himself still out of breath, and he would be right; by the time they got to stand up there, many present were already mildly tipsy. So many of her friends appeared, though, despite the inconvenient time and possible consequences at school the next morning. Seungwan was only really hit with that realisation when Joy Park came over to pat her on the back and with a single _good job_ returned to her table to continue arguing about something with Jongdae Kim. Jongdae, a good chap at heart, looked like he was deeply regretted his life choice. The singer was not certain which ones those would be, but chances were – all of them.

Seungwan did not even remember having invited Joy who in her opinion was much too young to be there, but she supposed that she should feel honoured and her purpose in life fulfilled. Getting Joy’s approval strangely felt close enough.

But the one single moment of the night that Seungwan is sure she will remember long after the dream that is Verbal Explosion fades into oblivion along with other sixth form memories was when she spotted Joohyun, casually talking with Sehun and Yixing on the side. As if sensing the other’s gaze on her, the older girl looked away from the conversation and their eyes met over her younger brother’s shoulder. Seungwan smiled shyly and was surprised when she received a big grin in return. Joohyun excused herself from her company and approached the singer in a few quick strides, carrying a small flower bouquet that given the location, seems distractingly out of place - as did Joohyun’s modest green Sunday school dress and a black cardigan over it.

Seungwan accepted the flowers before putting them away onto the nearest table top and throwing her arms around the other in a happy, perhaps too bold a gesture. She knew that she’d taken the older by surprise and was ready to withdraw when Joohyun _hugged her back_.

‘That was fantastic,’ Joohyun declared right into Seungwan’s ear. Admittedly, the club was as noisy as they get – cue the proximity – but it felt like the sweetest lullaby nonetheless. ‘You all did a great job and you are an amazing singer, Seungwan. I was really moved by your lyrics,’ she adds the honest praise and Seungwan preened, grinning widely. ‘You were just so beautiful in there,’ Joohyun whispered and cradled the vocalist’s face in her hands, placing a short, yet passionate kiss on her lips-

 

‘You do realise that I was standing right there, don’t you,’ Sehun deadpans, interrupting the narrative. ‘And there was absolutely no kissing involved between you and my big sister.’

‘Hush, don’t ruin Seungwan’s fantasy. I’ve been here for the past twenty minutes and this story is getting steamier every time she re-tells it to whoever has the misfortune of coming in to retrieve a beer,’ Tao guffaws, his newest girlfriend Andrea giggling by his side.

‘All right, so maybe she did not exactly kiss me-‘

‘You’re bloody correct that it’s exactly what _did not_ happen. She patted you on the back and try to pry you awkwardly from clinging to her for far too long.’

‘She did hold me, she did tell me that I’m a great singer and nothing about it was awkward,’ Seungwan defends, sighing dreamily and taking a swing from her bottle of Proper Job. It’s much stronger and more expensive than what they usually drink, but they all put their money together, deciding that it’s the one occasion they should really splurge on. ‘You can ask her yourself.’

From the semi open kitchen area where they are all standing, leaning against the counters, the view on the sitting room and open door to the attached terrace is quite good. Joohyun is standing there with her cousin Yoona, holding a casual conversation and laughing over a drink that Minseok has handed her, clearly challenging her to reject and make a scene. She accepted it with grace and has been sipping it since.

Tao’s line of vision aligns with his friend’s and he whistles lowly.

‘Joohyun really _is_ making amends, isn’t she. Maybe she’s not beyond salvation,’ she snorts into his vodka shot, but it’s not malicious.

‘I guess Minseok has been more forgiving because unlike Jongin, he didn’t really lose anything. My sister and Junmyeon have just made his life more difficult – instead of dating in peace like they used to, he now needs to cross those hundred and seven miles nearly every weekend to see her. And that is not cheap, either,’ Sehun responds, sighing.

‘But Yoona seems to have forgiven her,’ his friend observes. Sehun shrugs at the words.

‘My cousin knows what it’s like to grow up in a family like ours. Her own is pretty nuts too, after all.’ He looks to both his sister before smiling ruefully. ‘Joohyun paid for Yoona’s ticket to come here tonight, though I think she’ll have to leave in a few hours if she wants to make it to her class tomorrow, otherwise her parents will get a wind of it. But I think Minseok is appreciative, nonetheless.’ They all laugh when they spot their leader wandering around, wanting to give his girlfriend space to talk but also running out of patience to just whisk her off to the dance floor.

When he eventually does, Seungwan picks two bottles of Old Slug and ditches the current company to follow Joohyun.

‘ _It begins, eclipse… In the shadows where you and I meet_ …’ Seungwan hums as she approaches and Joohyun turns around, having heard the shuffle behind her. ‘ _Love between us, born out of fate…_ ’

Joohyun smiles, recognising the tune. Seungwan grabs the spoon left on the table and treating it as a microphone, re-enacts her earlier performance in a much exaggerated fashion.

‘ _I can’t keep my eyes off you, so will you be mine forever..?_ ’ It might be the alcohol, but she thinks that she sees Joohyun blush despite the overall calm exterior she is sporting. Seungwan then lets out a series of sounds that mean to imitate the beat of Chanyeol’s drums, but end up with her choking which prompts the other girl to laugh in mirth.

 _How are you so bloody beautiful_ , Seungwan nearly says out loud but stops herself at the last moment. She admires the other until it clearly becomes too much and Joohyun frowns in silent question.

‘Nothing,’ Seungwan reassures her, motioning at the open door with a single hand movement. ‘Wanna sit outside for a while? The weather’s so unpredictable these days, might as well enjoy the evening while we still can.’

Joohyun spares her half empty glass a glance before abandoning it and following Seungwan and the two beers she’s carrying in her hand. They find a spot closer to the fence where an old bench threatens to fall apart at the slightest pressure of weight. Still, the two decide to take their chances and sit down.

‘I don’t think you should drink anymore tonight,’ Joohyun observes, but does nothing to stop Seungwan; in fact, she accepts the bottle that has been opened for her.

‘Ah, I’m in the mood tonight,’ the singer laughs. It is so easy to satisfy her, she knows that. But she cannot stay mad for long, it’s just not in her nature. She could not when Gina Torres purposely destroyed her art project last year, angry that Seungwan told off her best friend, and Seungwan got zero; she certainly cannot now when Joohyun apologised for and regrets her mistake, no matter how hurtful it was.

‘Listen, Seungwan, I-‘

‘Please, don’t apologise again. I don’t want to think about it any longer. Let’s just go back to being friends, shall we?’ Seungwan waves her hand in dismissal and the older girl stares a moment, as if weighing her words.

‘I just wanted to thank you,’ she eventually says, looking away. The singer frowns, not expecting this development. ‘For sticking up for me all this time. Cheers,’ she thanks Seungwan again, raising her bottle and taking a sip.

Seungwan does not feel fit to accept the sentiments, seeing how half of the time, she does it out of selfishness.

‘Are you having fun?’ The younger asks instead and Joohyun smiles.

‘Turns out that less people around here hate me than I originally thought. Some people actually came forward to congratulate me on getting rid of my backwardness,’ she gives the singer a pained smile. She’s not nearly comfortable enough to joke around about her faith.

‘Hey, that’s awesome,’ Seungwan extends her hands and Joohyun lets out an incredulous laugh, eventually high-fiving her. She quickly becomes sombre again, though. Not willing to let the mood down, the blue-haired girl continues. ‘You brought Yoona to see our performance. I bet Minseok was over the moon.’

‘He did let me into his house, didn’t he,’ Joohyun gives her a tight-lipped smile. ‘You knew about them.’

‘Yes, of course,’ Seungwan confirmed, leaning against the older girl heavily, without even realising. She feels tired all of a sudden. ‘He’s taken up that part time job in Asda with the sole purpose of funding his trips down to Bath. He’s away nearly every weekend.’

‘He told me on Thursday that they were still together, probably more to throw it in my face than anything else, but honestly? I just felt relieved. Relieved that I didn’t completely destroy something so precious to them.’

‘You’re here for your cousin now, that’s what’s important. You’ve made amends. You came to our concert and it really meant the world to Sehun as well.’

‘And these days, I feel that half of it wouldn’t even be possible if it weren’t for you, Seungwan,’ Joohyun confesses and Seungwan, still draped over the other’s shoulder, rapidly looks up.

‘You are able to do all of it because of your brother,’ she dismisses.

‘He’s not the only one I’ve come to worry about,’ they stare each other for a moment, before Seungwan leans away, quickly reddening. ‘I’ve felt hard grief because of you in the past, but it was also you that accepted me first when even Sehun was suspicious of my intentions. You’ve helped me time and time again, and forgave me when I’d promised I wouldn’t try to hurt you again and still did.’

Seungwan looks away, not knowing what to say.

‘Last night I took National Express down to Bath to pick up Yoona and I just couldn’t stop thinking about what happened between us on Friday. We have something, Seungwan, something that has long extended beyond my concern for Sehun. I’m just sorry that it took me this long to acknowledge it. You’re the reason why I still have friends and people to sit with in the school canteen. You’ve protected me every time your band mates wanted nothing more from me. And I cannot understand why, but thank you.’ Joohyun takes Seungwan’s left palm in hers and intertwines their fingers, giving them a light squeeze. She looks up at the singer again. ‘I probably don’t deserve it, but thank you. Not even Seulgi gave me that benefit of the doubt.’

Seungwan stares at her in wonder, no longer caring that they’re both blushing at such bold proclamations. Seungwan is bordering on drunk, that much she can’t deny, and it probably isn’t a good idea, but the words slip from her mouth before she manages to take reign of them.

‘You’ve once asked me if I was expelled from my old school. Perhaps you’d like to hear the story now?’


	17. Ideal types and less than ideal situations

She had never been suicidal; she was not one of _those_. She had always clang on to life a little too tightly and it gave her as much hope as it used to disgust her. She had felt at one point that she did everything half-heartedly – she could not even hate her own self enough.

Nonetheless, she had often been depressed. The year of her 14th birthday specifically felt like 12 months, 365 days… 31536000 seconds from hell. She had felt each and single one of them acutely, because each and single one of them could potentially drag like eternity, depending on her mood. Seungwan’s depression had been like a wave. It had apparently never manifested itself clearly enough for Seungwan’s mother to ever believe it or permit medication, despite the psychologist’s utmost recommendation. No; Seungwan would go weeks without what she called _episodes_ , being her usual cynical, if a bit coarse self. But deep inside, she would always feel empty – whether she was laughing at somebody’s joke or feeling nervous before her big Spanish presentation. It had always been there and it would normally take only a minute of hesitation or giving it attention to feed the sensation enough for it to overflow and consume the girl whole. She then would not leave the bed for the next few days. So she kept herself busy to fend it off. She had to.

Seungwan wonders if she did the right thing by promising to meet Joohyun in the chapel. She could still take it back; she could still just text the other, explaining that she had ultimately decided against sharing the story, finding it too personal. But something tells Seungwan that Joohyun is the right person to disclose the truth to and out of all of the singer’s friends, she is also the one that needs to hear it the most. Not only for Seungwan’s, but also for her own sake.

 

_‘Seungwan, I don’t think that’s a good idea.‘_

_‘I’ve been meaning to tell someone. There just never seems to be the right time,’ the younger says, blinking sleepily. Joohyun frowns, momentarily distracted. ‘Maybe it’s time to just spill all my sins. Sins,’ she giggles briefly. ‘Get it?’ The older only sighs._

_‘Seungwan, you will regret this in the morning. If none of your close friends know, then telling me is definitely not right. And especially not like this. You’re not thinking straight.’_

_‘But I want to tell you,’ the singer immediately cuts in, shaking her head in what resembles an uncoordinated dance movement. ‘You need to hear this story.’ Her voice sounds so muffled that the brunette does not even know whether she has heard the statement correctly._

_‘Tell you what,’ Joohyun decides, standing up. Letting Seungwan proverbially bare her soul in such a way feels like breaching the trust that Joohyun has just managed to regain with such difficulty. Even if part of her feels inexplicably flattered. ‘If you still feel like talking to me about your old school, find me in the chapel after dinner tomorrow. I promise I’ll listen then.’_

_‘But-‘_

_‘I think I hear Yoona calling me. I should probably call a taxi for her, it’s getting late,’ Joohyun mumbles, meaning to stall, to get away just in case the younger girl really does try to corner her and deliver what would constitute the most uncomfortable and uncalled for confession, but when she turns around, Joohyun realises that there was no need for worrying – Seungwan Son is completely out, snoring softly as she lets her head hang awkwardly. The moment Joohyun detached herself from the other’s side, she must have dozed off._

_Almost despite herself, Joohyun smiles at the sight._

 

Although none of the boys know the whole truth behind the girl’s transfer to Trent, it is also not something that concerns them directly. It is Seungwan’s story to share, she decisively nods to herself as she passes by the male dormitory on her way to the school chapel. She has missed dinner, begging Baekhyun Byun to come with and tutor her instead but strangely enough, Chanyeol has turned the offer down. She should have expected it, though, seeing how they parted ways in the morning – Seungwan just has no more energy to deal with the boy’s drama right now, but tomorrow’s a new day and it can probably wait till then.

Yes, Joohyun Bae should hear Seungwan’s story. She should understand once and for all just what hatred – and all the more self-hatred – can do to a person.

 

 

 

_10 hours before_

When the five bandmates with Yixing in tow arrive at school the following morning, the chaos erupts almost immediately. Junmyeon Kim is standing at the gate, looking positively furious. Seungwan, who has not expected commotion this early on a Monday of all days, senses Sehun instinctively recoiling in himself and takes it upon herself to shield him from whatever it is that the older boy is planning. Joohyun is not with them and Seungwan has concluded that the object of her affections must have left the party at some point – probably when her cousin did - but seeing how Seungwan herself blacked out in the yard, the details remain quite unclear. It is a miracle that drunk Tao had enough brains to drag her inside before the rest of them fell over, defeated by the mighty potency of local liquor.

‘Isn’t it too early for your bull crap, Junmyeon? Scram before I make you,’ Chanyeol barks out and everyone present, including his best friend, is taken aback by the obvious aggression in his voice. Chanyeol has not said a word since after the concert and come to think of it, he was nowhere to be found during the party.

‘I will murder you, Yixing,’ Junmyeon announces, completely ignoring the tall drummer for once. Poison drips from his words as he approaches, hissing, ‘After all of this, you even dare blackmail me?’

Yixing Zhang frowns, obvious tiredness and lack of comprehension marring his features as he replies,

‘I have no idea what you’re talking about. I really don’t.’ And although Seungwan is not privy to the current conflict between the two former best friends, it is hard not to believe the sincerity of his confusion. In fact, he looks positively pained. Junmyeon, however, is having none of that.

‘I told you that in confidence! Isn’t it enough that you’ve stabbed me in the back? Do you want to completely ruin me?!’ Junmyeon quickly becomes red in the face from all the effort not to scream out loud lest students passing them by on their way back from their weekend at home hear their exchange.

Seungwan stops paying attention the moment she notices Chanyeol splitting away from the group and marching in the direction of the dormitory. She gives Tao _the look_ , to which the other boy only nods, finally stepping up to the task at hand. While the guitarist attempts to prevent another fast brewing fist fight, Seungwan breaks into a trek, catching up with the red head just before he disappears in the male-only building.

‘Just what did you do, Chanyeol Park?’ She demands to know, feeling the mostly cured hangover coming back with double strength. Somehow, it is not difficult to put two and two together and Chanyeol’s contribution to Junmyeon’s anger is self-revealing. At least for Seungwan it is.

The boy only snorts as he turns to look at her.

‘He got what he deserved,’ is all the drummer has to say for himself, but a strong grip on his wrist prevents him from further movement.

‘I’m afraid you’ll have to be a bit more specific than that, because Yixing right there is about to get another beating for something your arse did and is now running from,’ Seungwan replies sarcastically and that is when the other finally sighs deeply, letting the tension leave him altogether.

‘It’s complicated,’ he states, avoiding her gaze and she huffs, impatiently.

‘How complicated can it be? I’m guessing you’re blackmailing Junmyeon with something, on Sehun’s account. Something which, by the way, I told you to drop immediately. Do you still not understand how badly this can end for the temporary truce they have with that prick?’

‘Junmyeon is not a saint, on the contrary to his own belief. Him and Seulgi Kang are banging in the art room almost every night, how’s that for my answer?’ Chanyeol makes sure that nobody else hears him, but the person whom the words are directed to do, and it renders her speechless.

‘What are you talking about?’

‘The self-proclaimed president of The Purity Club suddenly not so pure, huh?’ Chanyeol momentarily forgets about the sour mood he was in as he beams at his friend in near delight.

‘How did you even… You’re not making this up, are you?’ Seungwan absentmindedly licks her lips as she makes sure, clear disbelief on her face.

‘Would he be so bloody mad out there if I were?’ There is no need to answer that, though. Seungwan sighs.

‘It’s still not right, and still most definitely not our business. Joohyun said she had it under control, too…’ Seungwan’s words mean to amicably scold Chanyeol, but instead, they aggravate him further as the boy immediately drops the pleasant façade and regards the shorter with a look of disdain.

‘Quite frankly, I still don’t fully trust your precious Joohyun,’ the drummer states categorically, denying Seungwan the chance to defend herself or the older girl. ‘I’ve been there for Sehun the entire time while she did what? She stood in line to the altar, praying for his eternal damnation.’

‘You’re being unfair now. People change, Chanyeol,’ the singer insists. The other gives her a pitying look.

‘People don’t change so rapidly, Seungwan. I tolerate her for both of your sake, but don’t think for a second I like this. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a class to go to,’ he adds sarcastically, hastily rearranging the strap of his rucksack on his right shoulder.

‘Will you come to the tutoring with Baekhyun this afternoon?’ Seungwan shouts after him, to which Chanyeol turns around, suddenly looking like he has been slapped. Twice.

‘Most definitely not,’ he replies with might and then he is gone.

 

 

 

Seungwan does share some classes with Chanyeol that day, but he is mostly unresponsive. She lets him be, deciding that whatever is killing him inside is bound to be revealed in its own time. His attitude is obviously influenced by his own drama, but unnecessarily pushing him would only cause further damage, so it is better to just give the boy some space.

Seungwan drags her feet to the canteen after her History class, finding Joohyun already at their table. The older absentmindedly pushes around the food on her tray, while at the same time intently staring at the contents of a book in front of her. Upon closer examination, the book turns out to be a university prospectus.

‘What’s hanging?’ She asks casually, but she might as well have sneaked up on Joohyun with a knife, that’s how fast the latter closes the brochure, letting out a quiet gasp of surprise.

‘Nothing’s _hanging_ , Seungwan,’ Joohyun replies, clearly forcing herself to remain casual about it, but she’s not fooling the younger. Seungwan grins.

‘Uh-huh. What are you hiding?’

‘I’m not hiding anything. It’s just a university prospectus. I’m still filling in my UCAS applications,’ Joohyun disregards the accusation, knocking on the cover to emphasise her point, before picking up her fork to finish the meal. Little carrots and cauliflower puree. _Lovely._

The moment Joohyun lets her guard down, deeming herself safe, Seungwan grabs the book, eliciting an affronted sound of protest from the upperclassman. The brochure, whose spine has been broken in, naturally opens on the pages that Joohyun had been so engrossed in. A small, barely visible stain from the tomato sauce on one of the photos is another giveaway.

‘You’re going to be a lawyer?’ Seungwan asks, somewhat surprised, looking up at the other girl.

‘No,’ Joohyun denies, far too quickly for it to sound believable. Seungwan takes the answer in stride nonetheless.

‘Then what are you going to be?’

‘I’ll study theology,’ the response is equally decisive, if not automatic. _Theology, huh_.

‘What can you do after theology?’ Seungwan asks again, sceptically. She assumes that Joohyun can just serve God, like she always has, but even God does not drop money from heaven for nothing.

‘I can teach Religion at school.’

‘That sounds totally boring,’ Seungwan summarises her opinion in a single sentence, before getting up. ‘I’ll be right back, I’m gonna get food.’

When the singer comes back with her minced meat casserole dish, Joohyun looks just as deep in thought.

‘You don’t wanna study Jesus, do you,’ Seungwan observes after a longer while of lack of reaction from the older.

‘I like it, I think I’d be good at it. Teaching, I mean.’ Joohyun finally looks at her companion, giving her attention.

‘Yeah, yeah, but you don’t really _want to_ do it, do you?’ Upon Seungwan’s urging, the brunette sighs.

‘What I would want is to have a choice. That’s all.’ Before the vocalist can ask for clarification, she adds, ‘What are you going to be, Seungwan?’

What is Seungwan going to be? She is embarrassed to admit, even in front of herself, that her plans do not reach that far. She will do what her mother tells her to; and not because she is a dutiful daughter, but because she does not want to be cut off from her funds for university. There is no love lost between her and her parents, but Seungwan is not naïve – or maybe passionate - enough to want to make it all on her own at the age of eighteen and without any education to speak for her. She’ll do her best to get through the degree that her mother chooses for her (which will most probably be Business and Management, because duh) and then, well. Whatever will be, will be.

She tells Joohyun that much, shrugging once.

‘I guess we don’t differ that much, then’ Joohyun sighs again, looking back down at her carrot and although it is a strange statement, Seungwan cannot disagree.

They eat in silence for a moment, before Joohyun looks up again.

‘Oh. Do you have any idea what was Junmyeon’s problem this morning?’ Seungwan looks at the other surprised.

‘You were there?’ Joohyun nods.

‘I saw him and your group of friends through the window, so I went down to check up on the situation.’

‘And he didn’t say anything to you?’

‘He went on and on about how betrayed he felt, but neither I nor Yixing have the slightest suspicion what he was referring to. The moment he realised that we were still clueless, he shut his mouth and walked away. But then Tao Huang mentioned that you and Chanyeol Park suddenly disappeared, so I thought that it was perhaps somehow connected…’

Seungwan hesitates for a split second, before replying coolly,

‘I’ve no idea. Your twin is totally barmy, even you have to admit it.’

Joohyun does not comment on the other’s words, merely taking another forkful of her puree. Seungwan feels mildly bad for withholding the information related to Junmyeon and Seulgi, but in all honesty, she does not know if Joohyun is privy to their scandalous business; and if she is not, how she would take it. Coupled with the fact that implicating the current Union president would mean implicating Chanyeol, Seungwan is just not ready for another drama tearing her social circle apart.

‘Ladies,’ both startle when Joy Park casually greets them, taking a seat next to Seungwan. Yerim Kim trails after her friend, awkwardly shuffling before finally settling on Joy’s left hand side. Seungwan has witnessed just how boisterous her roommate’s best friend can be when she’s in their room, so the singer can only assume that it is Joohyun’s presence that has made her considerably more timid.

‘Year 10 doesn’t have lunch break until 12?’ Seungwan’s expression of surprise sounds more like a question. But then again, if Joy Park is here then obviously there must be a valid reason for it and the vocalist does not want to come across as impertinent.

Too late, though, because Joy gives her a look of pity that makes Seungwan feel her IQ decrease by half.

‘Maths got cancelled. Mr. Frisley has a rash in a strange place that prevents him from functioning like a normal human being.’

‘I don’t wanna know how you know that,’ Seungwan interrupts quickly, while Joohyun only sits by the side, clearly bewildered.

‘Anyway, I just needed to tell you that there are a lot of new SHINee magazines arriving at our room tonight so if you see them at the reception desk, please bring them up. But don’t touch them,’ Joy warns in a tone that coming from anyone else, could be interpreted as a joke but it is Joy Park so Seungwan knows better. She only nods. ‘That would be all,’ her roommate announces and both younger girls leave without any further delay.

‘Right. Because I have nothing better to do than to salivate over naked dudes on the cover of her magazines…’ Seungwan snorts. Still quietly though, just in case.

‘Joy Park is an interesting kid,’ Joohyun observes, laughter bubbling up just below the surface of her voice. It seems that she has got over her initial shock.

‘Don’t let her catch you call her a kid,’ Seungwan replies, mockingly terrified.

‘Does she really spend all her free time on those indecently dressed boys on her walls..?’ Seungwan grins, taking in the discomfort in Joohyun’s words.

‘Just be thankful that you haven’t seen the inside of her wardrobe. The first time I accidentally opened it after she had moved in, I nearly got a heart attack. Never in a million years had I thought that I’d be forced to live with the most heterosexual, hormonal teen girl I’ve ever met. My previous roommate was not gay, but at least she was _sane_.’

Joohyun does not have a response to that, but judging by the redness quickly spreading on her cheeks, it is not that hard to image what kind of poster adorns Joy Park’s furniture.

‘Hey, Joohyun.’ The singer hesitates for a moment, biting her lower lips absentmindedly in the process. There’s something that she has always wanted to know, so even if it might hurt a little, now seems to be as good a time to ask. It has just been on Seungwan’s mind for far too long. ‘So… what kind of guys do you fancy?’

‘I beg your pardon?’ Joohyun blushes even more than it is humanly possible.

‘I mean, I’m just curious. You picked Yixing to be your date for the picnic, is it because you like them dark and tall or…?’ Seungwan is short and blue. Not to mention the obvious lack of male genitalia.

‘Uh… I’m… At that time I just thought of him because he was sort of there… So… uh, this is uncomfortable,’ she admits, hoping that Seungwan would spare her, but when it comes to Seungwan Son, Joohyun’s prayers are very rarely answered.

‘So what’s your type? Rough and manly or delicate but passionate? Or maybe a silent dude that only has eyes for you?’

‘I really don’t know. I’ve never given it any real thought,’ Joohyun admits, still looking bothered. She looks everywhere but at her companion.

‘If you don’t wanna talk about it, you can just tell me and I’ll back off,’ Seungwan assures, albeit regrettably. The tiny masochistic part of her needs to know just what it is that she is up against.

‘No, really,’ the older insists, trying to make the other understand that it is more than just brushing her off. ‘I really don’t remember one time when I seriously thought about boys like that. That’s always been Seulgi. As children, we would sit in my room and she would tell me all about the dream wedding that her dolls would have, and the dress that she herself wanted to wear when her big day came. Later on, it was her school crushes… that good-for-nothing Jeremy Cho that broke her heart… until she confessed to me that she had feelings for Junmyeon and they became a couple in year 11.

But… I don’t know. I just never saw myself doing those things,’ her tone becomes hushed as she explains her attitude, still a bit reluctant to share. ‘Confessing feelings. I just knew that one day I should marry somebody, a Christian boy, and then I will have children. So… There’s that.’

Seungwan considers the words for a moment, before smiling in disbelief.

‘So what did you dream about, if not white weddings?’

‘Ah…’ Joohyun giggles quietly in embarrassment. ‘I wanted to become a pastor.’ Seungwan shoots her a strange look to which the older girl finally laughs out loud. ‘I was seven, I could not comprehend why it was not possible for girls to become one. I wanted to help people and I figured that being in charge of a parish would be the first step. Father always left me behind, though; he would always ask Junmyeon to serve at the altar…’

‘So now you want to be a lawyer,’ Seungwan states a matter-of-factly and Joohyun has enough decency not to deny again. She lowers her head as she replies,

‘It’s just something that I find interesting; I know that my parents will never approve. It’s just that recently so many things happened, and I saw Sehun trying to find his own way against all odds and I just felt… I wondered what it would be like to not listen to anyone but myself for once.’

‘You can still do that,’ Seungwan encourages but Joohyun shakes her head.

‘Let’s not talk about it anymore.’

When Seungwan thinks that it is going to be the end of their conversation, Joohyun continues,

‘So what’s your type, then?’ The singer frowns as she replies,

‘I told you that my dick encounters were a one-time only special. I’m not into dudes. Not even platonically.’ Joohyun flinches only a little at the crude choice of words, but she is already accustomed to the vocabulary that her brother and his social circle choose to articulate themselves with.

‘I mean, your type of girls.’

‘Are you sure you’re up for that kind of discussion?’

‘If you can ask me about my ideal type then I can ask you about yours. Isn’t that what friends do?’ Although mildly flustered, the brunette still defends her point of view.

‘I don’t know. Do they?’ Seungwan laughs and Joohyun ends up chuckling, too. The latter nervously puts a loose strand of hair behind her ear, before adding,

‘You don’t have to reply if you don’t feel like it’s appropriate.’

‘Nope, no problems here. So far the females I have fallen for… were on the shorter side,’ Seungwan squints her eyes as she recounts. ‘They looked cold on the outside, but had incredibly warm eyes. They initially rubbed me the wrong way only to shake my world upside down. Many a time, they made me regret my feelings but I would come back for more, anyway. One left me heart-broken, yet still incredibly thankful. As for the other one… only time will tell.’

The two of them look at each other intently and Seungwan thinks that she notices sparks of recognition in Joohyun’s eyes, so she quickly averts her own. She then stands up, picking up her tray.

‘I have to prepare for my next class. I will… I will see you in the chapel tonight, yeah?’ Joohyun only nods, letting the younger go ahead.

Talking about Sunyoung will not be easy, but perhaps it is time to let somebody else in on the secret. Maybe then Seungwan will also get a closure.


	18. What does not kill you, simply makes you... stranger

‘Her name is Sunyoung, she is... I think she is 25 this year. Something like that. I think there should be 8 years between us.’

Seungwan stretches her legs, as much as she can anyway since both girls are seated in the last row. The chapel, although relatively small, feels strangely eerie at this time of evening, but perhaps it is only her impression. Joohyun looks calm, almost comforted by the familiar to her surroundings.

‘She’s the girl I mentioned before. The one- The one fell in love with that didn’t love me back.’ She scratches her head, temporarily immersed in her own thoughts before shaking her head. ‘No, that’s not right. She did love me. She just didn’t do it the way I wanted her to at the time. But she wanted the best for me.’

‘Seungwan.’ The singer looks up at Joohyun’s quiet voice. The latter looks solemn. ‘Are you sure you want to tell me this story? It really does sound like a secret you don’t give away lightly.’

‘It is a secret, but not because it’s shameful. Not to me, anyway. It’s more that I don’t like to think about my life in Oakham and I cannot help but reminisce whenever I am forced to remember Sunyoung. The guys don’t know because it doesn’t really concern them. I like to think that the old Seungwan is not coming back.’

Joohyun’s expression oscillates between comforting and unsure, but she is there. She has not run away yet and does not look like she is planning to.

‘Sunyoung was a fresh graduate from a local uni, she was a substitute teacher since our regular Spanish tutor was on maternity leave… And I just had problems. I had problems all the time. I had them, I didn’t know how to solve them and so I created even more of them. I was in the headmistress’ office almost every week for this or that, testing everyone’s patience to the limit.’

Seungwan stops for a moment, taking a deep breath. She nervously pushes the thick strands of her fringe that fell into her eyes away.

‘Sunyoung recognised that internal fight. She kept asking if I wanted to talk and I shot her down, many times. She wasn’t old or anything, but in my eyes she was still a teacher. And anyway, at that time I wouldn’t have listened to anyone, teacher or not. I have a few schoolmates that cared for me, but I pushed them all away.

‘There was this place on the rooftop of my old gym - I know, how bloody cliché of me,’ Seungwan looks to Joohyun, who frowns in worry, but the singer interprets it as scepticism so grinning shortly, she explains. ‘But one of the screws in the door was loose and if you tried hard enough, you could bend the old metal just enough to push yourself through. She saw me sitting there from the lawn, thought I wanted to kill myself, but I just liked sitting on the edge, contemplating what was so wrong with me… Why I, of all people, had to be the odd one out. Wondering if anyone would cry at all if I suddenly disappeared. It felt like a cheap adrenaline rush, toying with my life like that.’

She stops her narrative when she feels a warm hand on her shoulder and she looks up. Joohyun looks shaken as she asks,

‘Did- did you try to take away your own life?’ Seungwan shrugs.

‘No, I never had suicidal thoughts. I was just really, really unhappy and I didn’t know how to change it. Discovering that you’re different can be quite painful and confusing, and there are only two ways of dealing with it: either you accept that the only person you owe anything to is yourself and let the chips fall where they may, or you’ll clam up completely and lose yourself. Getting to know the you inside is your most important job, that’s what Sunyoung told me. Knowing yourself, your own worth and taking what you deserve doesn’t mean being selfish or forgetting others. It just means that when the time comes, you will know what the right thing to do is and you’ll find comfort in your own decisions.‘

Joohyun says nothing to that; quite frankly, her eyes look hazed, like she has suddenly been transported into another place to which Seungwan has no access. They have shared quite a bit between the two of them, especially in relation to recent events but there is still so much that Seungwan does not know about Joohyun, so much that she can only imagine… or not even that. Whatever she said seems to have stricken a chord that the singer does not dare touch.

‘I liked her,’ she returns to her story, clearing her throat once. ‘Sunyoung. I thought I loved her… No, I was in love with her but it was so unhealthy and obsessive. I mistook her kindness for something more because I was so confused by what I felt. I knew she was gay, she told me, and my stupid arse thought that the disclosure of her identity was some sort of confession to me… She just wanted to be supportive, she had been in my situation before,’ Seungwan cannot help but scoff bitterly. There are so many things she wishes she could do all over again, but time does not stop or turn back for anyone. She has to live with her mistakes.

‘Something happened between the two of you… Something unrepairable,’ Joohyun guesses quietly, finally coming back to her senses. Seungwan nods curtly.

‘We would hang out a lot, especially after school. I would have those… _episodes_ , when I just wouldn’t leave the bed for days because the world suddenly stopped making sense. Like somebody just pulled the plug and the all colour drained. I would become unresponsive. One moment I was with people, laughing, and a second later I didn’t even know how I got there. But thanks to Sunyoung, they went away. I felt like I finally had a purpose. For once, I had somebody that I could be true to. And she would always say…,’ Seungwan trails away, remembering the older girl’s brilliant smile when they joked around in the classroom on the third floor. Sunyoung would stay behind to mark their assignments because the teachers’ room made her uncomfortable.

‘What did she say?’ Joohyun prompts gingerly when the singer takes too long to resume.

‘She would always say that being true to myself was enough,’ she eventually replies quietly. ‘One afternoon I kissed her, out of the blue. She pushed me away immediately; she was surprised by my behaviour, she said. She hadn’t wanted to lead me on. I ran away in shame, I couldn’t sleep that night. I didn’t cry, though. I never cry.’

‘I made you cry.’ With a pained smile, Joohyun reminds Seungwan of the incident at Minseok’s party. Seungwan heaves a short, airy laugh of disbelief.

‘That you did… When I thought I couldn’t possibly feel any more overwhelmed.’ She sends Joohyun a small smile. ‘But that’s already water under that bridge,’ She assures.

‘So you transferred because you didn’t want to be close to that girl anymore?’ This time, the chuckle that Seungwan lets out is a self-depreciative one.

‘I transferred because a couple of days later, somebody started a rumour that Sunyoung was a lesbian and spreading her deprivation among her young students – and that I was her latest victim. I’ll never know if somebody saw me forcing myself on her and jumped to conclusions… I guess that’s the punishment I’ll have to live with. Always feeling guilty about what could have been.’ Seungwan takes a deep breath, her voice slightly shaking. ‘They told her that if she resigns, she can still get good references so she took the deal. They had no proof, but they didn’t want any problems with the parents… My own mother came the same day and withdraw me from the academy.

‘The funniest part is that when I saw Sunyoung leaving the school grounds, for the first time in my life I knew exactly what to do. I mean, of course I felt overwhelmed, I thought it was all my fault… But at the same time, I finally began feeling like my own person. Like she said that I eventually would if I only believed in myself enough. I marched straight to my mother, she was standing in front of the main building, still in the middle of the conversation with the head mistress - I remember like it was yesterday. _I’m gay, mum_ , I said loudly and both of them looked at me alarmed. _I’m gay, I’m gay, I’m gay_ , I just kept chanting and she literally didn’t know how to react. When I wouldn’t stop, she slapped me.’

Slightly out of breath on the account of the rapid monologue, Seungwan begins laughing like it were the most amusing joke she has ever said, not one of the most traumatic experiences of her life. Joohyun, on the other hand, looks horrified enough for the both of them. Her hand finds Seungwan’s, squeezing it in worry. She does not even know why the girl’s confession, delivered so lightly at that, suddenly affected her so. Three weeks ago, she would have probably reacted similarly to Seungwan’s mother, but right now, all she can think about is how much of a shock it must have been for a fourteen year old.

She suddenly remembers Sehun’s facial expression upon coming back from the Christian camp that summer. His eyes were so vacant, so-

‘Numb,’ she mumbles, feeling her knees weaken. Seungwan nods, taking the word as commentary to her own situation.

‘I felt numb, yeah. That was the only time my mother has ever acknowledged my sexuality, in any way. I know, it made no sense for me to feel so good. I should’ve totally lost it. And instead, I was just ready to face the world head on. After three weeks at home in London, my mother dropped me off at St. Pancras with two pieces of luggage and a one-way ticket to Nottingham. And here I am,’ she shrugs innocently as if she has been talking about the weather outside all this time.

‘I’m sorry,’ Joohyun says immediately, voice threatening to break.

‘It’s not your fault-’

‘When I flinched away from you… I’m so sorry. I don’t think I’ll ever stop regretting it.’ Seungwan smiles dismissively.

‘Believe me, it’s not worth spilling blood over. It hurt, it did. But it’s not something that cannot be fixed.’

‘Even if it heals, it doesn’t mean it won’t leave scars,’ Joohyun replies, resigned, and Seungwan merely hums in reply. She will not disagree with that.

‘I’ve never seen you depressed, the whole time you’ve been with us. You always look so…’ she trails away, unsure what to say in order not to offend the other.

‘Beautiful? Amazing?’ She jokes, but Joohyun’s expression is hesitant when she quietly supplies,

‘Normal.’

‘Yeah, well. I don’t like that word. _Depression_. It makes me feel pathetic and useless, and that’s not me anymore. But if you put it that way, I’m always depressed. They say it’s treatable but personally, I don’t know if it’s something that I can ever recover from. What I do know is that for the past two years and a half never once have I let it win over me, and I think it’s pretty darn amazing.’

Joohyun nods vigorously in agreement, unable to utter a word for a while. It is not a very uplifting story, but Seungwan is still surprised by how shaken the older girl looks. She can only suppose that the other’s anguish runs beyond Seungwan’s own pain.

‘Have you seen her since?’ The temporary silence is once again interrupted.

‘No, she told me we shouldn’t and I understand. I know she lives in Bristol now, but I tried not to fuel my own curiosity too much. I didn’t want to give her any more trouble than she already had. I sent her one last message before I deleted her number. I wrote, _I think I can finally breathe_. Two days later, I got a reply from an unknown number. It said, _I’m proud_.’

 

 

 

Later that night, Joohyun has a strange dream. In the dream, Junmyeon keeps knocking on her door, but every time she stands up from her desk to open, there is nobody behind it. It is her twin, though, the girl does not know how she knows it, but she does. After a few times, she refuses to pay attention to his knocking anymore and focuses her effort on the French textbook in front of her. Her reading tells a story of a girl who pushed her brother off the cliff because she thought that he had stolen the last piece of bread in the house when it was in fact the mice that had eaten it. In that moment, the knocking on her door resumes again but this time, it is Sehun. He is seven and crying. It reminds Joohyun of that time when as a nine year-old she hit a neighbourhood bully because she stole Sehun’s lunch. Her mother made her kneel in church for an hour as penance and she had to miss dinner, but it was not all that bad because her younger brother sneaked in and brought her his share of apple pie instead.

Joohyun abruptly wakes up to sound of Seulgi shuffling around the room. For the first time in her life, Joohyun Bae seems to have overslept.

 

 

 

Joohyun naturally misses breakfast on the account of her tiredness; she actually barely makes it to her first hour of Algebra. She runs out of her dormitory, her worn out but still sturdy brown bag hanging off her left shoulder as she attempts to evenly tie the tie of her uniform. She dislikes bags and normally deposits everything she needs for the day in her locker in the morning – today, though, it is understandably impossible.

At the tiny junction where the paths to two dormitories meet and the crowd walking towards school buildings doubles in number, she notices Sehun and Yixing walking hand in hand. Her brother actually smiles when she catches up with them, his boyfriend only nods sleepily – in all the years she has known her peer, he was never a morning person. Joohyun has overheard Chanyeol Park mention in passing that since Yixing became the sole occupant of the room on the seventh floor, Sehun has hardly slept in his own and so she clears her throat, trying to will away the sudden embarrassment overcoming her.

‘Are you all right? You seem positively knackered,’ Sehun observes, frowning.

‘Something like that,’ she admits quietly, but on the inside, she is screaming. She is, indeed, mentally - and possibly physically, too – exhausted despite the solid eight or so hours of rest. Seungwan’s confession came not as much a shock as just additional burden hanging heavily on Joohyun’s own conscience; it did not keep her awake at night. However, whatever happens in her unconsciousness is sadly not for Joohyun to control.

Sehun offers to hold her bag and she thanks him, handing it over carefully. Both hands now completely free, she resumes the fight with her tie. They eventually reach the school building.

‘I will go ahead and change my dressings in the infirmary first,’ Yixing announces quietly, looking at his wrist watch. They all stop by the main door.

‘Are you still in pain?’ Joohyun enquires seriously, her gaze immediately turning soft. This is not the first, and definitely not last time she will consider the past accident her fault. The boy merely shrugs.

‘Not that much, but I still need those.’ He puts his left palm over his ribcage for emphasis. ‘It’s a miracle he didn’t just break all of them.’

‘Have you talked to Junmyeon since…’ Joohyun trails away, unsure what to address the Monday confrontation as. Yixing shrugs again.

‘Nah. No clue what he wanted, either,’ he admits. ‘But the school have not stopped asking me about my attackers and now that my parents are involved, I’m having a hard time keeping them away from Junmyeon.’

‘Well, maybe you shouldn’t, then.’ It is Sehun who finally speaks up and so unlike his neutral demeanour, he sounds almost angry. By the way the other sighs in exasperation, Joohyun quickly concludes that this conversation has happened between them at least once already.

‘If you really want to go against my wishes, I can’t do anything about it. But don’t make me tell on him, because I’ve no intention to. He’s been my best friend for the past ten years,’ the brunette adds, his voice lowering to a hopeless hiss. He lets go of Sehun’s hand in favour of adopting a more defensive stance, arms crossed on his chest.

‘He was not your friend when he bloody socked you in the eye so hard I thought you got a concussion,’ his boyfriend purses his lips, visibly upset at both the loss of contact and Yixing’s words.

Joohyun does not want to meddle any further that she already has, but her younger brother’s distress aside, she cannot help but agree with him. God only knows what kind of hell would break lose if Junmyeon’s actions were to be revealed, and as a person who up until recently has considered her twin a blood brother, the girl is not entirely surprised that Yixing Zhang would rather suffer in silence than condemn him for what he has done.

‘We’ve all agreed that day that it was your call, but Yixing, do not forget that this might as well be just the beginning. This might happen again. Junmyeon is- Junmyeon does not consider this done, by any means. Not when the two of you ended up living happily ever after right under his nose.’ Joohyun does not mean for her words to sound amusing, so she is taken aback by the laughter that follows. But Yixing Zhang is not actually _really_ laughing, despite the loudness with which it is delivered; in fact, his voice comes across as as humourless as it can possibly get. His cackling is more an expression of his disbelief and maybe a bit of pity for the girl’s naivety. It takes a moment before he calms down, and when he does, he says,

‘Look around you, Joohyun. We are in a fucking sixth form unofficially run by a bunch of homophobes that happen to be affiliated with a powerful, religious organisation – which both of us belonged to until literally five seconds ago, may I remind you. People whom I’ve known all my life suddenly stopped talking to me. My best friend conked me so hard that he nearly sent me to an early grave and my own boyfriend is still mildly afraid of holding my hand in public,’ Sehun averts his eyes at the comment. There is nothing that he can say to refute the truth. ‘Now, which part of this exactly sounds fucking knees up?’

The question is purely rhetorical, of course. Joohyun takes a breath, but no words come. They can’t.

‘So why don’t you tell on Junmyeon?’ She asks again, frustrated. After all that she has witnessed, heard and _especially_ done herself, she feels stronger than ever about her twin’s unapologetic behaviour. But all fight leaves Yixing and shaking his head, he only says,

‘He’s like a brother.’

Joohyun and Sehun look at each other hopelessly, because here they are, Junmyeon’s own blood, urging the other boy to betray him.

‘Well, then. Just be careful.’ Yixing nods and making a quick eye contact with Sehun, leaves without any further ado. The girl turns to her younger brother.

‘Sehun,’ when she has his attention, she continues. ‘I know this might sound strange to you but… can I give you a hug?’

The boy blinks, momentarily stunned at the unexpected request.

‘Huh?’

‘Can I just hug you once, please?’ She repeats patiently, to which the younger lets out a short chuckle of disbelief.

‘But like, right now?’

‘Yes, right now.’ She confirms seriously, leaving his speechless. Sehun looks around briefly, seeing the crowd around them pushing through to make it to class on time. They are both standing on the side, trying to avoid getting in the way as much as they can. He finally shrugs.

‘Ah, what the heck, why not,’ he says, enveloping his older sister in a warm embrace. Perhaps Joohyun initiates the contact more for her own sake than his, but it nonetheless feels nice. Neither remembers the last time they physically expressed their support for one another in a similar way.

‘Oh, hey. Seungwan is here,’ he murmurs, disentangling from Joohyun’s arms after what feels like hours, when in fact barely ten seconds passed. He points up. ‘Are you guys, like, best friends now?’ Joohyun turns around, spotting Seungwan Son waving at her enthusiastically with both hands from the window on the first floor. Biology classroom, is it?

‘I wouldn’t call us _best friends_ …’ But she still chuckles, mood considerably lifted and waves back with a small smile. Her reaction spurs further excitement from the other. Was there really a time when just the sight of Seungwan made Joohyun sour? How the tables have turned.

‘Lady friends, then?’ Sehun teases, repeating the expression that Joy Park has been so industriously distributing behind the two girls’ backs. Joohyun looks at her brother, scandalised.

‘You can’t be repeating things like that. I’m not… You know...’

‘You’re not what?’ He is openly amused now, and his sister is both embarrassed and strangely happy that they can still laugh together, even at her expense.

‘Ah, never mind.’ He is still teasing her when they part ways, directing themselves to their respective classrooms.

Seungwan and Joohyun meet on the staircase inside the building, the younger all smiles and proud, with her _I haven’t seen you at breakfast_ and _You never miss breakfast_ , and then _Look what I got you!_ It’s a sandwich that some ten minutes ago must have still looked quite good, but having been waved around carelessly by Seungwan in the air for half that time, it has gone totally soggy.  Joohyun still receives it gratefully, promising to have a bite before the bell rings.

Seungwan Son is a peculiar creature; that much Joohyun has always known and that much is till clear. She is obnoxious, nosy and loud; she can also be very crass. But she is also loyal and caring, and inexplicably charming. Joohyun lets the younger take her by the arm and lead the way; she also laughs at a ridiculous joke the other cracks.

As they split on the second floor, Seungwan in haste to return to her own class, Joohyun casts one last look over her shoulder behind the disappearing figure and she cannot help but smile. Something tells her that the real story between them has only just begun.

 

_Dear Lord,_

_An eye for an eye, isn’t that what you once said?_

 


	19. It hurts to live so wide awake, but I don't wanna feel numb

Three weeks.

Nearly three weeks have passed since that Monday when Joohyun stepped in to prevent the simmering fight between Junmyeon and Yixing, but it has since proved to backfire completely, as her twin found an outlet for his yet to be understood fixation in her humble person.

‘Look at you, sneaking in here like a thief. That’s not how it used to be.’

If she were not already kneeling, she would in that moment close her eyes, begging the Higher Power for patience. She chooses not to answer and finish her prayer instead, which lasts a couple more moments. She feels Junmyeon sink to his knees right next to her after the apparent lack of interest on her part. So close, yet so far away – both at once. It is not how it used to be, but this is how it is now.

Joohyun refuses to cower and take the blame for the sudden decay of their relationship; not when she has tried so hard to talk herself out of it in the first place. There is no space for doubting her new direction right now.

‘I prayed for you, Joohyun. Just now. I miss you,’ Junmyeon finally confesses quietly. ‘I can’t stand you living in this sin- No, never mind. I don’t even understand why you’d suddenly be on their side… When you know they’re wrong and we’re right. Why? Why did you abandon me like that, when we promised each other that nothing would come between us?’

Words like these, accusatory words that otherwise would deeply hurt the girl, now have suddenly stopped emotionally affecting her. After three weeks of what can only be considered uncomfortable encounters between the siblings that alternated between mockery and deep offense on her brother’s part, Junmyeon’s calm voice somehow came to sound like begging. And maybe he is – Joohyun does not know. It would be a bit naïve to say that Junmyeon and her are two halves of a whole, but with being as close as they have always been, it is an avoidable thought. There has never been any doubt in Joohyun’s mind that she and Junmyeon would always gravitate towards each other; after all, they have a special bond that have allowed their lives to shape as they are now.

That is why it _still_ pains Joohyun more than she would admit when she says,

‘There’s no us and them, Junmyeon. Sehun is our brother. Sehun is our responsibility, whatever it is that he does or feels. That was also a promise that you and I made a long time ago, or did you forget? To never let go of his hand, no matter what.’

‘We were eight and he got lost in an amusement park…’ Junmyeon weakly argues his case, trailing away. When he does not add anything else, the girl steps in.

‘That right there - that is why I never gave up on him. Because I used to think that he had lost his way in sin and that it was my responsibility to bring him back. That’s why I kept bothering him even when I thought that he was a wrong doer. But now I’ve realised that maybe Sehun is not lost at all; maybe he knows exactly where he is going, but the path that he’s chosen is a difficult one and he needs my help and support as he moves forward. Maybe I don’t need to see the whole map, God will take care of the rest. Maybe all I need is to not lose sight of him.’

‘Don’t you dare involve Him in this. God doesn’t accept… _people_ like Sehun.’ It is clear that only a quick, nervous glance towards the altar stops the boy from describing his brother in a much cruder way. ‘I cannot accept that, I just cannot.’ He turns around to his sister, grabbing her hand tightly. ‘It’s not too late, Joohyun. You two could still come back to the Union. Even- Even Yixing,’ he forces out. ‘Just stop this madness now and we can survive this. We will all go to Christian comp next year and pray…’

Junmyeon continues his tireless tirade that his twin sister momentarily tunes out. She looks at him, this time _really_ looks at him. Ever since Junmyeon discovered her in the chapel after dark one night, he has come back without fail every evening, warning, threatening and now even begging her. As the words spill out of his month, the girl decides that her younger by two minutes brother is just…

Ridiculous. Probably blinded by his own sense of right and wrong, but still… ridiculous.

Is this really what being humane sounds like according to their church? Is this how she sounded to those around her? Self-righteous, stuck up and simply insane?

‘Sehun doesn’t want to go back, Junmyeon,’ she interrupts the boy firmly, having had enough of his blabbering. Junmyeon quietens, somewhat uncharacteristically for him, and blinks furiously at the exclamation. It is clear that he does not comprehend the meaning of her words - not really. Joohyun signs and adds softly, ‘He does not want to go back to the church, and especially not if you’re going to be like this. Don’t you understand? You do not make the rules anymore. So get over yourself, Junmyeon, like I’m trying to, or you will realise one day that not only does he not need you anymore, he’s also too far ahead to catch up to.’

Taken aback, the male twin considers the words for a moment before responding,

‘I can still call father about this. Sehun is not of legal age yet, they will take him back home at once.’ Joohyun looks at him with a mixture of pity and resentment. How much lower can Junmyeon stoop? He just does not understand; but Joohyun does – she does now.

‘If you as much as utter one word about this before Sehun is eighteen, you will never see that money, Junmyeon. Never, I promise you. This is what we’ve agreed on. At least behave Christian enough to honour your word.’

Junmyeon Kim blushes furiously at the insinuation. He does not like having his morals questioned.

‘What about you then? How is blackmail Christian?’ He hisses, standing up. Joohyun follows suit.

‘Standing up for your family is Christian,’ she shakes her head in exasperation, swallowing hard.

‘I am also your family, Joohyun. Your twin at that. Why did you abandon _me_ , then?’ He means to aim for where it hurts the most; she knows that. But somehow, she cannot help but think that the anguish he feels is just as deep, if not deeper.

She shakes her head again, trying to compose herself.

‘You hit him. You were supposed to protect him, yet you harmed him. I might not know if what Sehun and Yixing are doing is right, but I am certain that what you are is not. I’ve never known you to be this violent, but you punched your own brother and seriously injured your best friend-‘

‘Yixing is not my friend,’ Junmyeon rejects the idea harshly, without as much as batting an eyelid. Joohyun eyes him a long while, before averting her eyes, disappointed.

‘You know, Jongin Kim once said these words to me. _If I’m going to hell, at least I’ll be in good company_ , that’s what he threw at me. I feel like I’ve suddenly realised what he really meant by that.’  When Junmyeon does not respond, she adds, ‘There will be time when you need a friend, Junmyeon.  And Yixing will be there for you, even though you probably don’t deserve it after what you’ve done to him. But whatever you two do is between you. All I’m going to say is, do not touch Sehun again. If you refuse to care about him anymore, I cannot do anything about it. But do not touch him ever again or you will not see a single pence of grandma’s savings.’

 

 

 

Seulgi Kang does not talk to Joohyun much, not anymore, so the latter tends to feel lonely despite not being alone in the dormitory room. Her roommate is there, at her desk, when the brunette comes back from the chapel. Seulgi barely spares her an apologetic glance before going back to work on her French essay. The language is not her forte and normally she would be asking her best friend for help, but instead she is struggling in silence. Whatever Junmyeon told his girlfriend clearly worked; she keeps away from Joohyun as much as possible.

Joohyun gathers her toiletries and leaves for the shower room. With so many thoughts tangled up in her mind, she takes her time removing make up and washing herself. Her nightly musings remain mostly uninterrupted due to late hour. When her grandmother passed away seventeen years before, she left a certain sum of money behind. Not an _awful lot_ , looking at it objectively - some fifty thousand pounds or so. The elderly meant for the money to go towards the twins’ higher education and considering how high university fees have become, dividing the money between the two of them would just about cover the tuition for a three year course without lodging. Sehun does not have such fund; he was born five months after elderly Bae’s death, otherwise the money might have had to be split in three.

For a reason that Joohyun is not privy to – perhaps a simple administrative mistake – only the girl was mentioned in the will. The document omitted Junmyeon’s name, but there was never any doubt in either their parents’ or Joohyun’s mind that the money would be shared between the siblings. However, now the small legacy have become the leverage that she has over her brother. The money is legally hers, after all, and no amount of pressure from anyone could make her give it up, should she choose not to. And Junmyeon is not stupid; he knows that satisfaction coming from outing their younger brother’s _sins_ is temporary in comparison to three years of financial security during his chosen degree at university. He does not care to execute God’s Word to the point of risking the possible Earthly privileges.

Joohyun does not enjoy blackmailing her twin, not at all. It nearly physically pains her. But what Junmyeon is doing is not Christian; he is simply being unreasonable and cruel. Arriving at the gym only to see one brother furiously punching the younger, helpless one… Even after all those weeks, Joohyun has not been able to forget it, nor has she confessed to anyone just what kind of dread overwhelmed her in that instant. She is not even sure if she could ever describe the feeling, even if she did try. She had seen it once before, her father hitting cowering Sehun with a belt. To see it again, and coming from Junmyeon… Joohyun feels sick. She feels sick when she cannot help but remember the smell of Yixing’s blood in the air. She takes a deep breath to calm herself down. The worst part is, there does not seem to anyone around to whom she can show her weakness.

She stands under the shower stream for a few more minutes, letting the warm water wash over her. No amount of body wash, however, will erase the distaste she also feels for herself. She has been the greatest influence in Junmyeon’s life and she has, to a degree, helped shape his personality. Now that she has so drastically changed her behaviour, she has lost him somewhere along the way. He is alone and feeling betrayed. There is no way of knowing what could be the result of harbouring such strong emotions. Right now, he seems like a ticking bomb just waiting for somebody to poke him the wrong way.

Joohyun finally gets out of the cubicle, quickly drying and redressing in a night gown. That is when she hears the sounds of vomiting in one of the toilet stalls, and not just from anyone. To somebody so familiar with Seulgi Kang like Joohyun is, the quiet groans are unmistakable.

‘Seulgi?’ She knocks on the door twice, clearly startling the person behind it, for she temporarily halts her movements and brief shuffling can be heard, perhaps poor attempts to rearrange herself. ‘Seulgi, it’s me,’ Joohyun repeats, now more worried.

It takes a moment, but eventually Seulgi re-emerges, looking sheepish, but mostly tired. She has taken care of residue but still, Joohyun cannot help but involuntarily grimace a little at the lingering smell of meat casserole mixed with stomach acids. No doubt, Seulgi did not enjoy her dinner long.

‘Are you all right?’ Joohyun is next to her friend in an instant, disregarding the other’s stiff posture. The latter looks like she really needs a hug, and so she is enveloped in a tight embrace, soon reciprocating, although a bit reluctantly. ‘Are you ok? Are you hurt?’

‘N-no… I’m-‘ Seulgi mumbles weakly, hiding her face in the brunette’s shoulder, busking in the unexpected comfort.

She really _does need_ that hug.

‘Are the girls from our choir giving you hard time again?’ Seulgi Kang has a weak personality and everyone, her included, are aware of the fact. She tends to lean on people around her for protection and when faced with stressful circumstances, her body sometimes reacts violently. Vomiting is not an unusual aftermath of self-induced tension and nervousness

‘No, it’s- My tummy has been giving me problems for the past few days. The nurse told me to lie down for the afternoon, but it’s not going away…’ She groans quietly and removing herself from the embrace, she rushes for the toilet bowl again. She must have already fully emptied her stomach, though, because there is nothing else to spill. She groans again.

‘I think we should go see the nurse now,’ Joohyun nods to herself firmly, ready to grab her friend by the arm and it surprises her when Seulgi evades her touch.

‘I’ll be fine,’ she mumbles, clearly unable to raise to her feet. She hopelessly sniffs, trying to compose herself. ‘I just feel so sleepy... I wish it would go away so I can finish my homework and go to bed.’

‘I’ll help you back to the room. I’ll finish your essay if you want me to,’ the other girl readily offers, but she receives another rejection.

‘I should do it myself…’ The answer is a highly unconvincing one, when they both know just how many times Seulgi accepted Joohyun’s help without feeling ashamed - and just how many times she completed Joohyun’s art projects in return.

‘Let me help you, Seulgi,’ Joohyun insists, extending her hand. She is pleading now.

‘I shouldn’t talk to you,’ Seulgi finally makes up her mind, slowly getting up and approaching the basin to rinse her mouth. Her roommate winces at the statement. ‘Until you’re my friend again, Joohyun, it’s better if we don’t talk.’

‘But I _am_ your friend, Seulgi. I never stopped being your friend.’ Joohyun does not raise her voice, because she already knows where this is all going. She knows all too well.

‘You’re not well, Joohyun, and I’m scared for you. Both you and Sehun are not well. The other day I saw him holding hands with- with-‘

‘Did Junmyeon tell you not to talk to me?’ Joohyun disregards the blubbering and instead asks her own question.

‘ _You_ told me not to talk to you,’ Joohyun frowns at the accusation. ‘Not to talk to people like you. You told me that I am weak and if I want to follow God’s Word, I need to avoid temptation, because Satan targets the weak. You’re not yourself, Joohyun, but I cannot help you. Junmyeon only advised me to pray for you and to let others save you instead.’

‘If you saw Yixing Zhang holding my brother’s hand, then you must have also seen his bruised face. Junmyeon did that, Seulgi, to his best friend. Yixing spent four days in the infirmary, did you know that? Junmyeon also punched Sehun, out of anger. Do you really think that he is trying to help me?’

Seulgi Kang’s eye widen, despite the fatigue still reflected in them. It is clear that she has absolutely no idea what Joohyun is talking about. She takes a moment to collect herself, tightly grabbing the stone counter behind her.

‘I-I don’t know what happened between them. But what they’re doing is not right. If what you’re saying is true-‘

‘Have I ever lied to you?’ Seulgi blushes, knowing that she has crossed a line this time. There was never anything but honesty in their friendship.

‘I don’t know what happened,’ she repeats only. ‘But I cannot trust you. You yourself told me-‘

‘I know what I told you and I should be ashamed of it. I’d always thought I was merely looking out for you, but now that things have come to this, I just feel regret. I understand why you feel this way, I used to feel that way too, but Seulgi, Junmyeon is not right about this. He’s not. And I just miss you, a lot. I miss the things we used to do together, midnight snacks and doing homework together.’

‘I see you hang out with Seungwan Son all the time, though,’ comes a somewhat bitter answer. ‘You used to hate her, but now you’re with her all the time. And I just feel so alone, Joohyun,’ Seulgi finally lets out a hopeless sob, cowering in herself. ‘I’m so tired and confused, and you’re not here for me.’

Joohyun’s lower lip quivers, struggling not to give in to the mood. She takes a deep breath, before she replies,

‘Seungwan Son is not a bad companion, but I have and will always have only one best friend. You, Seulgi. Even if you think otherwise, I’m always here for you. You just need to reach out to me. I’m always here.’

For a second, Seulgi looks like she might dive in straight for another comforting hug, but then she shakes her head, barely holding back the tears.

‘I cannot. Junmyeon told me not to talk to you just because of loneliness. He told me to call him when I need comfort.’

Joohyun has nothing more to say to that. After all, just like with Junmyeon, this is all her fault. She did this to her best friend. She told her what to think and what to believe in, and then she removed the rug from under the other’s feet when she suddenly took Sehun’s side. She should take full responsibility for her twin brother and Seulgi’s confusion. Junmyeon’s frustration turned into anger. Seulgi’s mostly into distrust.

‘I’m always here if you need me,’ Joohyun says again, sighing deeply. Seulgi does not acknowledge her words directly.

‘I’ll go now,’ she mumbles and leaves quickly despite the continuing pain. Joohyun leans against the counter and hides her face in her palms. She needs to get used to feeling like the villain of the story, but it is getting harder and harder with each passing day.

On a whim, still carrying her towel and cosmetic bag, Joohyun walks down the stairs and finds herself in front of Seungwan and Joy’s door. A bit hesitant to knock, she finally does when she hears something falling down on the other side.

‘Sorry, sorry, we’ll be- Oh, Joohyun,’ Seungwan says breathlessly, opening the door a little. Her hair is completely tangled up, hanging over her shoulder in strands. Behind her, there is a battlefield of random objects lying on the ground and most importantly, Joy Park furiously tearing pages out of her colourful glossy magazines.

‘What’s going on here?’ Joohyun asks worryingly, momentarily forgetting about her own bad mood. Joy Park looks mad, although there is no sound coming out of her mouth. The murderous aura is definitely there, though, as is the nearly inhuman strength with which her delicate fingers perform such a cruel act.

‘She’s- Well, we have a bit of a situation,’ Seungwan shrugs sheepishly. To Joohyun, it looks like the singer is unsure whether to let out her real opinion on the matter at hand or whether to humour the younger roommate. Ultimately, the fear of being murdered in her own bed later that night wins and Seungwan murmurs with a grave face,

‘Joy has been betrayed.’

‘What do you mean? By who?’ Joohyun is still totally disorientated. She takes a few tentative steps into the room, trying not to stomp on anything thrown to the floor. There is a lot of it, from tangled sheets to ripped paper, to various items of stationary that must have been shoved aside in display of anger.

‘By…’ Seungwan carefully clears her throat and points a thumb over her shoulder where a single piece of once majestic-sized poster is hanging sadly by one corner. ‘Him.’

‘A singer betrayed her?’ Joohyun repeats rather dumbly, for she has little experience with idolising men – unless you maybe count worship of the Lord as one. Joy Park does not make a sound, but it is obvious that she has heard the exchange, because she gives up on tearing the magazine page by page and instead, throws it against the wall. It bounces back with a thud and falls on her bed.

‘Where is her friend? That little girl… Yerim Kim? Maybe she can make her feel be-‘

‘Yerim doesn’t get it!’ Joy is done ignoring their presence. She looks Joohyun evenly in the eye. ‘She told me it was not a big deal. I told her to fuck off.’

‘That she did,’ Seungwan is quick to second the statement, making a face. ‘I was right here.’

‘It’s all over the news…. It’s on SHINee’s fan café. Taemin ruined everything for them.’

‘What did that… Taemin do?’ Joohyun is more careful with words now, trying not to spur another passive aggressive attack. When Joy does not reply immediately, only blankly staring ahead, Seungwan chimes in,

‘It would seem that he went to the club, got pissed out of his mind and touched some girls inappropriately. Two women accused him some hours ago of harassing them. Joy’s been like this since.’ The vocalist adds awkwardly, rubbing her neck.

Joohyun looks back to the youngest girl in the room and belatedly notices tears pooling in her eyes. Joy furiously rubs them, trying not to give in to the sadness, but it is a lost battle. A quiet sob escapes her the moment Joohyun sits down next to her, offering a shoulder to cry on – and quite literally, too. Unlike Seulgi, Joy Park does not think twice before clinging on to the older – despite her bigger frame, she has never looked smaller or more child-like.

‘What he did is just- it’s just so gross. Touching anyone like that, without their permission. It’s just too nauseating.’ Joohyun pets the other’s hair in comfort, sighing sadly. ‘When I think about all the hours I spent streaming his songs and buying his CDs… I spent all my birthday money on a Global Package for his concert in Japan last summer,’ she rumbles and the two let her, even though they have little idea what she means. ‘I thought about him hours on end… but he doesn’t even respect women, he just does what he pleases. I can never look at him the same way again. I’m so stupid.’

‘You couldn’t have known. I’m sure he seemed like a nice boy.’ The final words leave Joohyun’s mouth with a degree of difficulty as she still vividly remembers all the provocative photos she saw on Joy’s walls the last time she visited.

‘You don’t have to lie, I also know it’s ridiculous to get attached to somebody you’ve never met. But I still can’t help but feel that I’ve lost somebody important today.’ More of Joy’s tears wet Joohyun’s night gown and that’s when the other breaks down too, startling Seungwan who has all this while been standing aside.

‘I feel like I have lost somebody today, too,’ she confesses, to which Joy sobs louder. Thinking about the confrontation with her best friend, Joohyun cannot deny the finality of it. She is still here if Seulgi needs her; the problem might be, however, that Seulgi has decided she cannot trust Joohyun anymore. That one thought makes the girl’s heart ache.

As the two shed silent tears, still embracing tightly, Seungwan sighs, making a sad face. Her own thoughts go back to the emotional conversation she had with Chanyeol earlier that day.

Karma. This is all karma.


	20. New Hope (and Joy Park's menace)

‘Bloody Taemin… ruining everything… what will Minho do now…’ Joy Park continues lamenting and Joohyun gets a strange sense of déjà vu: inebriated Joy, spouting nonsense left and right is what has already happened once before.  

The youngest nearly falls over the bed, trying to reach for her fluffy pillow to hug as she rocks back and forth, hiccupping and all. It is a truly pitiful sight, but one that Joohyun has no heart to blame Seungwan for - this time anyway. Before either of them could grasp the situation, Joy brought out her own stash of beer hidden under the bed. That was half an hour ago and there was no stopping her, although Joohyun does worry about the younger’s irrational consumption. Right now, Joy is already completely defeated, mumbling obscenities directed at her soon-to-be forgotten idol; Seungwan is slowly sipping her second bottle of Budweiser while pensively staring at the screen of her laptop, the only film that she seems to acknowledge when drinking playing out for the thousand time; and Joohyun? Joohyun is experiencing a major heartache over her broken friendship with Seulgi.

‘I said, what do you think of him?’ Joy’s insistent voice jolts Joohyun out of her own bubble. She blinks and slowly turns to the younger, frowning as her gaze falls on the screen of Joy’s cell.

‘Who is he?’ She asks rather dumbly, not fully understanding what is expected of her.

‘His name is Mark. Yerim and I fought because she had betrayed SHINee and has now dedicated herself to his band only… Yet she pretended that she hadn’t, can you believe the cheek?’ Joohyun blinks again, unsure of what to reply to such accusation, but Joy Park does not need any visible encouragement to continue. ‘But I’m thinking…’ Joy hiccups, letting out soft giggles. ‘He’s kinda cute, isn’t he. Yerim likes his other bandmate, but get this - and that part got me super mad, I need to do more research - the guy is like a criminal, or something. He scammed a bunch of people on eBay.’ Joohyun’s eyes widen in alarm, involuntarily so. She does not even understand why celebrity drama would get to her at all, for she remains as confused as ever. It must be the late hour and the three sips of alcohol she had from Seungwan’s bottle.

‘What are you, ladies, whispering about?’ The third companion decides to join their conversation in that precise moment, letting her own attention slip away from the narrative. Joohyun realises that Wilhelmina and Vivian are already dancing their last dance – Seungwan must have skipped a good portion of the film, deciding to go straight for the happy ending.  

‘I was just saying to Joohyun, don’t you think that younger guys are trendy these days?’ Joy jumps right in. Joohyun frowns. Was that what she has been talking about all this time?

‘Trendy? Like a new pair of Converse, you mean?’ _Seungwan does not quite get it, either_ , Joohyun realises with a bit of relief, despite the years of exposure to pop culture that the singer must have had. In Joohyun’s house, there has never been such thing as pop music – you listen to either classical music or Christian music. There is no other choice and Joohyun has never wanted or needed any.

‘Seungwan, for a musician you are lagging behind what’s popular by at least 2 decades,’ Joy huffs and Seungwan shrugs.

‘I like it that way,’ she grins absentmindedly.

‘What I mean is, all my friends on Twitter are now getting into younger bands.’

‘I think it would do you some good if your new hobby did not involve another set of half-naked dudes,’ is what Joohyun hears Seungwan mumble and she lets out a small smile, almost despite herself. Joy overhears it too, but is not amused; she is not even mad. Rather, she hangs her head low, looking miserable again.

‘Go ahead, ridicule me,’ she says offhandedly, sighing dejected. Seungwan frowns, sensing that she has joked once too many times. She walks up to her roommate, looking mildly remorseful. She has never seen Joy like this before.

‘Oh come on, you know I didn’t mean it. It’s just that-‘

‘It’s just what?’ Joy interrupts her looking up, but there is no heat in her voice. ‘Am I not allowed to have somebody to look up to? To feel happy about? Sure, I like looking at him and I find him sexy, but do you even know why I started liking him in the first place? Do you care why I bother at all?’

Joohyun, a sudden but nonetheless still mere witness to the conversation chances an uncomfortable look at the two. She does not want to intrude, but it is hard to take her eyes off the hurt look that Joy is sporting.

‘I suddenly starting rooming with you last April but you never asked me once why I transferred school.’ It does not take more than one glance at guilt stricken Seungwan to recognise the words as truth. Joohyun somehow knows that the vocalist did not, but from what she knows of their relationship, Joy Park does not make it easy for anyone to get to know her, either. ‘Don’t you wonder why Yerim is around so much? Did you ever think that perhaps she might be my only friend in here?’

Seungwan Son has nothing to say as she slowly shakes her head, looking extremely apologetic.

‘So stop being so bloody judgemental, you idiot,’ Joy retorts, but once again without malice. ‘Give me a break. You have things that make you happy, too, don’t you? Like your band. They’re all morons, but you have each other’s back when it matters and you’re there to pick up the pieces when it’s too hard.’

‘Sorry,’ Seungwan mutters, patting the younger awkwardly. ‘I’m really an idiot. Of course you’re allowed to have any pastime you like.’

‘Yes, you are,’ Joy immediately responds in a shadow resemble of her usual self, but quickly becomes sombre again. ‘I liked him so much, I believed in him. When I was having a hard time, I would look at him achieving his dreams and I knew that my goals were also not beyond reach. That if he can take the bad days and the pressure and all that hate, I can too. Thanks to him, I didn’t give up and I wasn’t so lonely anymore. To realise that he is not who I thought he was breaks my heart and makes me think that it was all in vain. That I needn’t have bothered with either him or myself.’

Joohyun does not know when the tears appear, but they suddenly run hotly down her cheeks and she cannot even lift her hand to wipe them off. She feels for Joy, she really does but her heart aches more for the truth behind her words. It is so hard for her to pretend she is not hurt, because she does not even feel she has the right to, not with all the wrongdoings she has committed; but it is even more difficult to go on without guidance, without having certainty that what one does actually means something. She prays every night without fail but no answer ever comes. Until it does, Sehun’s thankful embrace and Seungwan’s surprisingly unwavering support would have to do because Junmyeon and Seulgi, so constant in her life until recently, will not come through for her anymore.

And that realisation kills Joohyun inside.

She quickly wipes her tears with the back of her hand, not wanting the others to notice her despair and gulps down the rest of the beer left by where Seungwan sat just a moment ago, if only to get rid of the lump forming in her throat. Meanwhile, the two roommates who shared a hug separate and the singer says awkwardly,

‘So is this new guy younger than you? Will our room turn into a nursery now?’ The singer moves away and takes her places from before, almost nonchalantly, but it is all to give Joy the space that she needs.

Seungwan’s lame joke does not go unnoticed. Joy snorts offended, sending her roommate a rather condescending look. And just like that, the world starts turning the right way again. Joy Park will never admit to this moment of weakness and Seungwan Son will never bring it up again. However, just by looking at her new-found friend, Joohyun knows that Seungwan will always remember it and will take care to never cross that particular line.

‘He’s only one year younger than me, please,’ Joy’s lecture on the other girl’s immaturity is interrupted by another hiccup.

Seungwan let out an _ah_ of surprise, this time only scooting over to take a better look at the screen of her roommate’s cell and consequently, squeezing Joohyun between herself and the bed frame, almost entirely leaning on the older girl. Joohyun freezes, feeling the warmth of the other’s body and the smell of her liquid soap invading her senses. Is that… _bubble gum_?

‘Dude, he’s not even fifteen yet? Children, all children.’ Seungwan leans away and Joohyun almost regrets the loss. Almost. She does not understand why the touch feels so comforting all of a sudden. Maybe she is really getting used to Seungwan, is learning to count on her being close like she has always thought that Seulgi would be. Seungwan is different though, she is... tough. She can be extremely silly, offensive even – though usually without meaning to – but she is tough, so unlike Joohyun’s best friend. Joohyun is not really used to being contested, not in a way that actually makes her question her own choices, anyway.

The brunette has decided to stand by Sehun’s side regardless of what she thinks of his actions, but the truth is that it is only thanks to Seungwan that Joohyun is really beginning to understand how wrong she has been to deny him the right to his own decisions.

Before she has time to contemplate the realisation any farther, there is a light knock on the door. The three girls momentarily stop their banter, not really expecting any more company. In a highly uncharacteristic turn of events, considering that the dormitory is female only, Chanyeol Park appears at the door, looking half amused and half irritated.

‘I’ve been waiting for you, dude,’ he says only, taking off his shoes at the threshold merely out of courtesy for Joy’s sense of cleanness but he should have known that the gesture would in no way appease the girl.

‘What is _he_ doing here?’ Joy demands to know, looking deeply disturbed and Joohyun is thankful for that because she is so taken aback that she can only stare at the newcomer blankly. It is one thing to become accustomed to Sehun’s male friends being around all the time at school, but quite another to entertain them in her night gown after dark.

‘Why are you still here when you’d said you’d come after nine?’ Chanyeol ignores the outrage and no at all discouraged, takes a seat on the floor right next to Seungwan who is once again, this time involuntarily, being squeezed against Joohyun.

Joohyun is torn between trying to make space for the younger girl and relishing in the warmth of her body because it is rather cold and the room is very poorly insulated (as old English buildings tend to be) – and all that while still observing the boy making himself comfortable and pulling the laptop towards himself to play whatever it is that he has brought on his USB.

The stick looks like a small figurine of a sad looking hamster with big eyes and Joohyun’s frown deepens.

‘I told you I’d come _if_ I had the time. Do I look like a have the time right now?’ Seungwan’s eyes land on the USB. ‘More importantly, how’d you get a hold of a Porg USB and why didn’t you get me one as well..?’

Their argument continues and eventually, Seungwan purses her lips in annoyance but Joohyun knows that it is just a façade and part of the usual banter between best friends. In all honesty, she is somewhat relieved. She has noticed that in the past weeks more often than not Chanyeol Park has made himself scarce around their small group and that the blue-haired vocalist’s spirits seemed to have dampened because of it. If the boy is back - and so unceremoniously, too, dirty shoes and all - then it means that Joohyun will need to brace herself for more tense stares from him. On the plus side, though, at least her younger brother and Seungwan will regain the spring in their step.

‘What the heck even happened here?’ Chanyeol, who somewhere along the way dyed his awfully blood-red hair into more tolerable silver, looks up from the screen to assess the chaos around them. He then notices the few pieces of paper stuck of the soles of his feet, which he promptly shakes off.

‘ _Excuse me_ , what are you doing here?’ Joy repeats the question, but her tone of voice leaves no room for assumptions of politeness. ‘This is a dorm for girls.’ The desired effect of her malice is then ruined by another hiccup.

Chanyeol turns around to properly look at Joy. Their exchange lasts no longer than three seconds but it is seems enough to give Joohyun an additional stroke on top of the existing one. Eventually, Chanyeol shrugs as if nothing has happened and moves back to play the film. It is _Star Wars_ _Episode V_ , the subtitles are quick to inform them.

‘I just casually got in. The girl downstairs saw me hanging around the door and opened it for me, she told me she saw me at the concert, how cool is that?’ Chanyeol Park, when not angry or moody, is all about teeth. Right now, grinning hard in their general direction like he has never felt more proud of myself, he looks a little bit like a mad man.

Which means that he is pretty much back to being himself.

‘She asked me to sign on her boobs.’

‘Now you’re just projecting your Aerosmith fantasy, Park,’ Seungwan bites back dismissively, still trying to push him away but as Joohyun has witnessed many times before, it is next to impossible.

‘I’m fucking attractive, I’ll have you know,’ Chanyeol immediately argues back. ‘…But yeah, whatever, I wouldn’t have signed on her boobs anyway. I’m traumatised enough as it is by heterosexual mating rituals.’

‘Seungwan, is he really gonna stay here?’ Joy demands to know, interrupting the slow brewing of another one of their pointless arguments. Joohyun mostly just tries to cover herself up, even more so than she already is, considering her night robe is long and made of thick fabric fitted for winter nights. With hands tightly woven on her chest, she gingerly awaits the resolution of this intrusion.

‘Here, have some beer and shut up, will ya. The best parts of _Empire Strikes Back_ are at the beginning and I don’t wanna miss them.’ Surprisingly, Joy does become quiet – she is defeated by the six pack of alcohol that Joohyun did not even notice having been brought inside in the first place. Must be the whirlpool of emotions that got to her. ‘And you,’ Chanyeol points to the eldest, to which Joohyun freezes, suddenly feeling singled out. ‘I really don’t bloody care what’s underneath that medieval looking night dress of yours, so you can stop cowering. Unless you’re hiding a dick in there, you’ve of no interest to me,’ he finishes, mind already on the film and slurping his drink lazily.

Joohyun gapes in astonishment. She does not know if it is possible for her to ever get used to his attitude. Just when she decides to give the boy a piece of her mind, she feels Seungwan’s hand grabbing hers and she blinks, attention temporarily diverted. The two share a momentary look and then the younger subtly shakes her head, as if pleading with Joohyun to leave Chanyeol alone. If Seungwan is strangely not on the drummer’s case for once, it means that something must have happened and so, Joohyun decides to let it go, merciful as she is. She has other things to worry about, too - Seungwan’s hand ends up staying where it is for nearly half the duration of the narrative and that fact occupies more of her thought process than it ever should, at least in Joohyun’s humble opinion.

‘

 

‘Unfollow, unfollow, unfollow that too…’ Joy mindlessly mumbles to herself, scrolling through her phone. It is nearing midnight and Joohyun really do not know what Chanyeol Park is still doing there with them.

But perhaps the real question is, what is Joohyun still doing there herself?

‘This one is good, they always post funny twits… Oh hey, listen to this.’ All of them turn to her, some more reluctantly than others. _‘Souljia Boy not even a soldier. Dr. Dre not even a doctor. Keep it going…’_ The girl falls silent, expression of deep concentration marring her face.

‘Huh?’ Joohyun cannot help but asks unintelligently, not understanding the context –or the whole point - of the message.

‘Chanyeol Park not even a park!’ Joy then nearly explodes in loud scream, clapping in glee like it is the best joke she has ever heard. She then reaches over the two other girls and hits the boy’s arm for good measure, still laughing, which leaves both Seungwan and Joohyun gaping in astonishment.

‘You dumb, we literally share the same surname,’ the silver haired drummer grumbles, half offended and half amazed at the youngest and her strength. He briefly massages his shoulder to rid himself of the sting of the punch.

 

 

In the next half an hour, both Joy and Seungwan fall asleep – on the bed and on Joohyun’s shoulder, respectively.

‘Don’t fucking lead her on,’ Chanyeol mumbles into his bottle, briefly regarding the sight. The only reason why the older girl catches the comment is the sudden silence that envelops the room due to a lull in the narrative. Being the only two awake is beyond uncomfortable now because they are still virtual strangers and Joohyun really just wants to go back to her room, she just does not know how to move Seungwan without waking her up.

‘Pardon?’ She cannot help but ask, still.

Chanyeol puts down his bottle, looking positively conflicted before he sighs and begins,

‘Ok, listen-’

That night, Joohyun holds a conversation that she least expects to have, with a person that she least expects to have it with. Forty five minutes later, both her and Chanyeol leave the room no. 403, each taking their own route.

Joohyun cannot sleep that night.

 

 

 

The next day, Joohyun is waiting for her morning lessons by the classroom door, remaining reluctant to enter despite the few weeks she has had to mentally harden her demeanour.

Yixing Zhang is gone to his own advanced Algebra, which leaves the girl without a partner for small talk to pass the time and tune out any possible unpleasant commentary running in the background. She notices that Junmyeon is already inside, his booming voice carrying all the way across the room. It is too early for his overflowing resentment towards her and she knows that Seulgi is not there with him to provide distraction – Joohyun left her behind in the room as the girl still felt weak. Once the nurse came over to check on her roommate, there was nothing left there for Joohyun to do and she had to get to her class anyway.

‘Hey.’ She looks up from the floor to see the person she would least expect to acknowledge her on the corridor, let alone approach and talk to her – Chanyeol Park. ‘Your cell,’ he says nonchalantly. Only when he hands her the device does she realise why she did not take it out of her pocket in the first place, pretending to be busy but actually merely looking up new products on Hobbycraft, which she would like to purchase but knows perfectly that she would only waste because she has no talent for DIYs. It is because she could not find it anywhere this morning.

‘I-‘ She hesitates before reaching out to retrieve her Huawei. She does not know what to say to him, especially not after last night. She cannot even fathom how Chanyeol came into possession of her cell phone in the first place.

‘Seungwan asked me to give it back to you, she’d do it herself but she got held up at the entrance by the dorm supervisor - something about being obnoxiously noisy last night…’ He mumbles, trailing away and Joohyun could swear that he almost smirks as her as if she is in on the joke – as if they are _friends_ sharing one. ‘Anyway, you forgot your other stuff in their room, too, but she figured that you might need your cell for class.’

She opens her mouth to thank him, but no sound leaves her throat. She is still perplexed and quite embarrassed, to be honest. She does not remember one time when she was alone with Chanyeol – and definitely not one that he did not behave hostilely towards her. She has never actively sought his company and had the worst opinion of him; and vice versa, from what she could tell. But after last night… After last night, it seems that they have become closer without really meaning to. Something in their dynamics has shifted – be it due to their shared concern for Sehun or fondness for Seungwan – something has changed and they have finally started seeing eye to eye. Almost, anyway. Joohyun is not even surprised, she has had too many of those enlightening moments recently to really be surprised anymore, but it does not mean she cannot still be flustered over its suddenness.

When the silence prolongs, the boy frowns at her in lack of comprehension so she forces herself to nod at him.

‘Why are you still standing here, by the way? The bell’s gonna go off any minute.’ Why Chanyeol Park is still there – and willing to continue their awkward exchange – is quite frankly beyond Joohyun, for she only looks between her classroom and him a couple of time, again unsure what to reply.

In that moment, Junmyeon’s voice can once again be heard above the general noise coming from the room, the boy trying to explain another concept from their home task to a highly confused classmate. Whatever it is in her facial expression that give away the core of her problem, Chanyeol seems to notice it because he clears his throat loudly and out of the blue announces,

‘I’ll help you inside, these look heavy.’

Before Joohyun can question his sanity – there are exactly two spring notebooks in her arms, 96 pages each, and a small fabric pencil case – they are being taken away from her and the whole 186 centimetres of Chanyeol Park make a rather grand entrance through the door of History class for year 13. Needless to say, Junmyeon’s explanations cease in that precise moment.

‘Excuse me, are you lost?’ The latter’s hiss sounds anything but pleasant as his eyes follow Chanyeol pointedly, but what infuriates the older boy even further, as Joohyun soon realises, is that his comment remains completely ignored.

‘Where’s your desk?’ Chanyeol asks casually, turning around to Joohyun who is still standing at the threshold. The girl does not turn away to see her twin’s reaction to the sudden development, because there is really no need to – the only fit for the occasion emotion in Junmyeon’s book would be utter betrayal.

‘At the back, next to the window,’ she finally rasps, feeling only mildly guilty. Still refusing to acknowledge Junmyeon or anyone who would take notice of him, Chanyeol Park leisurely strolls towards the table before depositing the stationary right on top of it. ‘Thank you,’ she adds.

‘Oh, no need,’ he brushes the words off casually, before doing what he has probably been dying to do since the second he entered the classroom: turning around and making a point to look at Junmyeon who is still staring at them in disdain, he replies for everyone to hear, ‘After all, we’re friends, aren’t we?’

Joohyun does not know if the gasp she hears is her twin’s or her own, the words stun her that much. _Friends?_ Chanyeol Park and her, _friends_?

The boy finally turns back to look at her and sighs at the sight of her stupefied features.

‘Look,’ he adds impatiently, this time much, much quieter. ‘Don’t take it as forgiveness… or whatever. I’ve been told repeatedly that it’s not my place to hold grudges when those directly involved have already forgiven the offence so I’m just moving on with my life, all right? And if you’re gonna hang around both of my best friends from now on, then it just means that you’re also my responsibility now.’ The bell rings as he finishes the sentence and Joohyun is thankful for that, because she really does not know where Chanyeol is going with it – and more importantly, what her own reaction should be. He takes one more look at her before adding, ‘See you at lunch, Bae.’ Then he is gone.

And just like that, Joohyun suddenly became _Bae_.


	21. Why Annabelle should not have any more sequels and other important problems

‘- are you going to watch? I’m not that big on-‘

‘The film starts at 6.35, so don’t be late. Our afternoon class got cancelled so Yerim and I will be in town beforehand.’

Joohyun arrives at their usual table just in time to catch the end of Seungwan and Joy Park’s conversation. Whatever the topic, it leaves the former shaking her head, looking quite perplexed; Joy Park, though, nothing ever seem to faze that girl.

Joohyun slowly takes place across from Seungwan, whose face lights up at the sight before looking back to Joy and saying,

‘But you didn’t tell me-‘

‘You can bring Joohyun,’ the youngest interrupts her immediately, having regarded the newcomer with a single glance. Once again, the brunette cannot tell what it is that Seungwan can take her to and whether Joy is actually welcoming to the idea. More importantly, whether Joohyun herself should be. Or not.

When Joohyun turns to the vocalist for answers, she notices with a dose of surprise a shy expression adorning the other’s face. Seungwan purses her lips just a little, the corners of her lips about to lift up which by now the older girl recognises as a sign of being somewhere between a soft feeling of glee and a full emotional outburst. Then again, it could concern anything and hardly helps Joohyun in her now somewhat urgent quest to identify its reason before she is pulled into a scheme there is no return from.

Meanwhile, Seungwan – by now in a healthy shade of a mature tomato - finally nods at her roommate and with that, their fates are sealed. Joohyun suddenly feels like somebody has handed her over to the devil on a silver plate, even though it is only Joy Park. Or maybe there is not difference, after all.

Picking up a fried drumstick from Seungwan’s tray and putting it in her mouth without delay, the youngest warns again,

‘Don’t be late.’ This time, however, the effect is slightly diminished due to the chewing sounds that follow and with that final word, Joy Park disappears into the crowd which is still queuing in hopes of getting to the cheese casserole before it sells out completely and all that is left are the unpleasantly looking meatballs.

‘I should find something to eat…’ Joohyun looks over her shoulder, trailing away at the sight. Waiting for the food alone will take her ten to fifteen minutes, which means she will then have to down it within less than three, a prospect she is not overly fond of. It cannot be helped, though; the career advisor kept her long over the scheduled period, hoping to persuade her to think about a law degree more seriously. She should not have mentioned the idea to him, not even in passing – and she would surely not have, had she known that it would cost her half of the lunch break.

And she is so, so hungry.

‘You were running so late, I thought you might not make it in time for the casserole so I bought you a plate. If you want…’ Seungwan adds shyly and only then does the older realise that there is indeed an extra dish to the singer’s left – and with the side of baby carrots and potato puree, just the way that Joohyun likes it. Overall, despite being only lukewarm at this point, Joohyun is certain that she has never seen anything looking more appealing.

‘Seungwan, thank goodness, I could kiss you right now,’ she mindlessly lets the words of gratefulness slip from her mouth and she halts her movements at the realisation, her arm stretched across the table in an attempt to reach the plate. She slowly looks up, hoping that the younger missed the unfortunate phrasing but no such luck. Seungwan’s own hand abruptly stops mid-air, half way to her mouth, her cheeks quickly remembering the deep shade of red from a few moments before.

Joohyun finally finds her voice and clears her throat awkwardly. Despite the amount of students around them, it suddenly sounds way too loud.

‘What did Joy Park want?’ The older prompts, desperately wanting to find another subject. Even without the additional baggage of her conversation with Chanyeol Park from last night, the thoughtless remark would sound embarrassing. Now… Joohyun Bae’s whole being simply goes stiff.

Seungwan must be having similar impression because she chooses not to comment or tease the brunette about it, opting instead to go along with the change of pace.

‘Er, well, you know how it is. I think she really wanted me to join her and Yerim on a friendly outing to the cinema, but being Joy, she basically _ordered_ me to go with her.’ That sounds exactly like something that Joy Park would do. ‘But I’d say, we’re finally getting closer, aren’t we?’

Joohyun nods lightly, momentarily forgetting about the uncomfortable situation. It does seem like the invisible barrier between the two roommates was if not lifted completely, then at least pushed aside a little to make space for the budding friendship. Joohyun feels happy for them – or more accurately speaking, she feels content for about a second before she remember that she, too, is now practically forced to tag along.

The dread of the challenge must be well reflected in the girl’s facial expressions because Seungwan chuckles, nodding.

‘What are we watching?’

‘Beats me. They show it at The Corner House at 6.35, though, so I guess we will find out soon enough.’ Seungwan is back to her old self, winking in delight and Joohyun cannot help but scoff.

She bursts out laughing right after, though.

Right after the exchange, the boys arrive with their food, one looking more miserable than the other. Joohyun, who was not aware they had been queuing all this time, moves her notebooks away to make space for Sehun. Surprisingly, it is Chanyeol Park who occupies the seat instead, letting the other two rest next to Seungwan.

‘Hey, Bae,’ he acknowledges, sending her a long, almost inquisitive look before turning back to his food and sighing deeply. It is not the cheese casserole that he is facing.

Joohyun nods at him, feeling that years will have to pass before she becomes comfortable in his presence. When she looks ahead, she notices that neither Sehun nor Yixing seem to be in a particularly festive mood, either. One reason for it could be that both – just like Chanyeol – have the unappetising meatballs on their plates.

Making what at the moment feels like the hardest decision of her life, Joohyun internally mourns her casserole for exactly three seconds before she pushes it over to Sehun. He looks up, slightly confused at the development but when she nods in confirmation of her intentions, he smiles, teeth and all, mouthing _cheers_ before digging in. The plate is eventually split between Sehun and Yixing, with Chanyeol indignantly spouting words of _We’d been mates long before you two hooked up_ when he is denied his share.

Joohyun is left with Sehun’s dish and the last fried drumstick that Seungwan generously passes over to her. Whatever possesses the older to eventually give it up in Chanyeol’s favour she will never know, but when he finally accepts it from her after a short moment of disbelief, there is a new-found appreciation in his eyes that makes the girl think the sacrifice has been worth it.

When Seungwan frowns at her questioningly, Joohyun just shrugs, smiling. A little secrecy never hurt anyone.

 

 

 

Entering The Corner House, Joohyun Bae suddenly remembers why she has never been fond of cinemas. It could be the off-putting smell of snacks being fried in deep oil or the hoard of casual film watchers who display absolutely no consideration for the fellow members of the audience. It might as well be the combination of both and then some, Joohyun nearly shudders at the thought. Yet here she is, moving towards the box office at a snail tempo thanks to the couple at the front who did not bother to agree beforehand on the flick they were going to see.

That is right; on top of it all, Thursdays are date nights around their area, thanks to the large number of university students who hardly have classes scheduled for the following day and like to start their long weekends as soon as possible, which usually falls on Thursday evening. Joohyun slightly changes her stance, putting the weight onto the other leg – she has tired of the situation even before the show really began. Next to her, Seungwan is equally annoyed - if her sighs are anything to go by.

‘Joy’s not replying to my texts,’ the singer finally puts her cell back into her pocket, looking around awkwardly as if her roommate were to magically appear from the Chinese buffet next door or the kiosk situated right across the staircase. She, of course, does not and Seungwan sighs again.

‘I thought it was her idea to meet here,’ Joohyun mumbles more to herself than anyone else but her companion picks up on it anyway and shrugs.

‘To be fair, I am still fairly certain that she will pop up in the seat next to ours five minutes before the film starts so we better just collect the tickets she’s booked and wait for her inside. Do you mind?’ Nothing about that plan sounds good to Joohyun, if _she_ were to be honest, but she also does realise that friendships usually require varying degrees of selflessness and sacrifice of time so she nods, mustering her best smile. It must be working because Seungwan grins at her, now looking positively excited for the evening ahead of them. Her giddiness is all sorts of adorable, so Joohyun herself does not stay sulky for long. Plus, the title of the film sounds promising so it surely cannot be that unpleasant, can it?

It turns out to be more than just unpleasant – it is awful, and all the happy memories of the times that Joohyun played with her rug doll Annabelle are lost and tainted forever the moment her much meaner looking namesake appears on screen and attempts to eliminate the children living in the old house one by one. The film is of terrible quality but Joohyun cannot deny that it still unsettles her in the most basic and irritating way. She cannot help but jump every time a cheap scare or a loud noise takes her by surprise.

It starts out innocently enough. They buy two drinks and a tub of popcorn to share, which Joohyun reckons she will not eat but ends up helping herself to anyway, because there is nothing more additive than the peanut butter flavour. During the trailers, it becomes clear that Joy and Yerim are not going to join them after all, the fact eventually confirmed in the text that Seungwan receives just before the lights go out. Joohyun observes from the corner of her eye the other’s movements – she opens the message, initially frowning at its content, only to turn bright red towards the end of it. Right then, her phone vibrates again with additional information that has the younger’s jaw go slack, partly in surprise and partly in lack of comprehension.

‘Joy just texted me that she’s moving out in two days to live with Yerim on the first floor,’ the singer finally says, bewilderment in her voice. Joohyun’s frown matches the one on her companion’s face.

‘Why would she text something like this now?’ Seungwan shrugs. ‘Did she mention whether she was even coming here or…?’ At the second question, the blue haired girl adjusts in her seat somewhat nervously, giving the overall impression of bashfulness.

‘I don’t think so,’ she admits meekly and Joohyun just knows that there is something more behind her words, something that she does not have the time to probe further because the screening room becomes dark and the film starts. No, from then on Joohyun does not have the time to investigate the problem _at all_ because she is too preoccupied with trying to will away the series of violent emotions running through her that when not contained, could easily lead to a serious heart attack.

That evening, Joohyun Bae discovers that while she might be the toughest cookie when it comes to leadership, her Waterloo takes a form of creepy dolls and squeaking staircases.

 

 

 

Seungwan, however, does not share that sentiment. At all.

‘Ok, I hope they’re not planning for a sequel, I mean, how dreadful would that be?’ The girl rumbles as they take the right turn to exit the cinema, initially not noticing Joohyun’s silence. ‘The cursed object trope should just vanish altogether, it’s getting so boring and predictable… Hey, Joohyun.’ The older looks up from the pavement, slightly out of it. While Seungwan continues her unfavourable review of the film, she has been walking next to the girl all this while, trying to shake off the feeling of general upset and uneasiness. ‘You all right there?’

She is not all right – and for more reasons than the terrifying plot she has just been forced to watch, tough she is not about to confess that to Seungwan of all people. The younger knows anyway, there is no way that she would not. Not when her right hand is still red from how tightly Joohyun clasped it once offered a chance.

It is Joohyun’s turn to redden uncomfortably.

 

_‘Are you sure you’re fine? Are you feeling sick?’ It is the third or the fourth time Seungwan leans in to enquire in a low voice about Joohyun’s well-being. As the narrative progresses, the brunette turns to pursing her lips tighter and tighter, sensing that the moment she opens her mouth, she will let out an undignified shriek. So she just nods again, although much less energetically than before._

_What she is not expecting is a palm enveloping her own fingers interwoven tightly at her lap, giving her a light squeeze of encouragement. When Joohyun looks up, Seungwan frowns at her, making a quick head movement indicating the door._ Do you want to leave? _Joohyun does not want to ruin the evening for her friend, so she just shakes her head once in objection, resolving to do her best to hold it in. Nonetheless, the hand offering comfort stays there throughout the film and Joohyun occasionally squeezes it, strongly too, depending on how affected she is by Anabelle’s malicious actions. Seungwan squeezes back once or twice, but her gestures – as it turns out afterwards - have more to do with how ridiculous, she feels, the plot is turning than anything else_.

 

Joohyun can’t help but be embarrassed by her behaviour at the cinema and the readiness with which she accepted the hand holding. What if somebody saw them? Maybe she can tell Seungwan that she was not comfortable with it.

But what if… what if Seungwan takes it to heart and feels hurt? Worst, what if… she never does it again? Joohyun does not understand what spurred the sudden thought, but it is strangely an unwelcome one.

She shakes her head, trying to will away the chaos. She is tired and that is all. Seungwan is there for her way too often and way too close, and Joohyun does not know what to do with the fact. She is confused, it is understandable.

‘Joohyun, do you want me to find a taxi?’ Seungwan’s voice brings the older back from her thoughts. ‘We’d get back to school faster that way, instead of waiting for the bus. Your face is very red, are you sure you’re not running a fever? Stupid Tao, he was coughing the whole time during lunch yesterday, I bet he’d caught it from one of his girlfriends, god knows where his mouth has been-‘

‘I’m really fine. Really,’ Joohyun assures hastily, definitely not wanting to know what indecent acts the guitarist has been performing in his spare time. Seungwan looks like she knows that the other is not fine, but she does not mention the most obvious of reasons and Joohyun is thankful for that. She clears her throat, looking around.

‘I’m a little hungry. Would you like to stop for dinner before we go? I’ll buy. We’ve already missed the meal at the canteen anyway…’ Seungwan nods, suddenly invigorated, and leads them towards the place that looks so typically _Seungwan_ , Joohyun smiles despite the internal conflict she is having. She tells her companion as much and Seungwan laughs heartily, confirming her preference for junk food. The place claims to sell original Turkish kebab and smells of spice so strongly, no passer-by within the thirty feet radius can be indifferent to its existence.

It puts the older in a slightly better mood for just about twenty seconds, before she notices the boy standing behind the counter, evening out the menus next to the cash register and observing their entrance. She grabs the other girl’s sleeve, effectively halting her movements.

‘Did you know he would be here?’ She frowns, sighing loudly. She does not feel ready for another fall out, much less right now.

Seungwan gives her a sympathetic look.

‘I didn’t know for sure, but I’m not surprised. He got Jongin this job in the first place, so it’s no wonder he’s here himself.’

And indeed, Kyungsoo Do is there in the flesh and his earlier words clearly ringing in Joohyun’s head despite having met him only once. That was then, she likes to think that she has more or less made peace with everyone, even if it is just the first step. Even Chanyeol Park has apparently found it in himself not to bully her anymore, but this is different. Jongin Kim has not forgotten, nor has he forgiven anything. When Joohyun and Sehun went to meet Minseok and his cousin that fateful afternoon, Jongin could barely contain his displeasure and practically pretended that she was not there. He also did not react in any way to her apology, something that she could understand – to an extent, anyway – because at that time, the apology did not sound or feel sincere, not even to her. They basically parted ways having resolved nothing and Kyungsoo Do must be more than aware of it.

‘I-I’ll save us a seat so why don’t you buy two of whatever is good and join me there?’ The shop is nearly empty so the excuse is a highly unbelievable one, but it is what it is – just an excuse. Joohyun hands Seungwan ten pounds and hastily retreats to the only corner from which the counter cannot be seen, hoping to lessen her guilt by distancing herself from the object of it.

She manages to remove her jacket and hang it over the chair, letting her long hair fall over her shoulders in disarray. Before she thinks to do anything more, though, a long shadow appears, looking over her. Her head shoots up at the sensation of being watched.

Kyungsoo Do is standing in front of her, a tray of food in his hands and a blank expression on his face. He puts it down, taking a seat in front of the girl and still regarding her with a long look.

‘W-where’s Seungwan?’ She manages to say after a long moment of silence.

‘She needed to use the loo, asked me to bring the food over in case I was done first.’ He leans in, as in deep in thought which makes Joohyun lean away in turn. ‘I can kinda see why Jong’s parents wanted so badly for him to get together with you,’ he says, quietly this time but she nearly jumps at the words in shock. Kyungsoo Do, however, does not acknowledge her reaction because more than anything, he just looks at her inquisitively, like she is something that he cannot quite comprehend.

‘Joohyun Bae.’ He opens his mouth for the third time and by then, the brunette really should have seen it coming but she still does not so she shudders anyway. ‘Do you know how Jongin and I met?’ Mute, Joohyun can only shake her head but the boy in front of her does not seem to wait for her approval before he continues, ‘In the church. We met in my church.’

Kyungsoo Do sounds random, changing the topic from sentence to sentence and so when he once again takes her by surprise with his statement, her eyes widen considerably. She is not quite certain just why he is there and where this is all going.

‘I’m from Surrey, he came to visit his uncles during the Christmas break and left us both terribly, terribly confused by the end of it. To be quite honest, until now I feel that he’s always had more faith in our relationship… Even after his folks kicked him out of the house.’

‘I’ve apologised to him, I don’t think I can do anything else unless he allows me to,’ Joohyun mumbles, appetite long gone. She just wants to go home and forget about the nightmarish doll, the embarrassment of this conversation and how hard her heart was beating in that cinema. Especially about the last one.

This is all just tiredness.

‘I know you have. I didn’t approach you to give you crap about Jongin, because Sehun’s told me about what happened _after that_. I guess I just sat here, wanting to see for myself what you’re all about.’ Then he smiles, like he knows something that nobody else does. ‘I don’t know what I’d been expecting, but the way you smiled at Seungwan outside the shop suddenly reminded me of myself, somehow.’ Joohyun frowns at that, not really understanding the meaning – or purpose – of the story.

‘Are you friends with Seungwan, too?’ She enquires hesitantly, fearing saying the wrong thing. Kyungsoo’s lips stretch in a smile again, though it does not quite reach his eyes.

‘Not quite. You probably know her much better. I was just thinking that soon enough, you might find yourself in a situation that I was in once before, though then again, it’s just a feeling.’

‘I’m afraid I-‘

‘Didn’t expect to find _you_ here. What’s hanging?’ Seungwan chooses the moment to make her way to the secluded table, interrupting the already awkward dialogue between the two, for which Joohyun is thankful.

‘Nothing much,’ Kyungsoo looks up smiling serenely, like he did not just run through three different equally uncomfortable topics within the span of a minute and leave his companion terribly confused. ‘Sehun told me that Joohyun was considering law as a degree so I came over to see if she needed any help.’ Seungwan only nods, apparently not finding anything unusual about the fact that Jongin Kim’s boyfriend not only did not decapitate Joohyun on the spot, he was being excessively friendly with her.

Also, Joohyun needs to talk to her younger brother about keeping his mouth shut.

Kyungsoo looks back at her and says,

‘Ask him for my whatsup if you want to make an informed decision. You gals have a good meal, I need to clean up the fridge now.’ Seungwan waves at him lightly and takes his spot once he leaves.

‘Did he say anything strange to you?’ The younger worries but Joohyun only shrugs, not really know how to describe what just happened.

‘Surprisingly, not really. At least I think so.’

‘Well, in that case,’ She moves one of the wraps towards the brunette. ‘You really need to try this, it’s the best kebab in Notts, I promise. Cross my heart and hope to die.’ She winks, to which Joohyun scoffs, but more out of habit than any real annoyance. That stage has long passed.

‘You really shouldn’t say things like that, you know.’

Seungwan waves her away with a smile, taking out her phone to check the messages. Having nothing better to do, Joohyun decides to do the same. She hardly pays attention to her cell; not remembering ever being very attached to it, so it comes as no wonder that it has been in silent mode for the better part of the day. She expects a spam message at most, or maybe nothing at all. What she does not expect are 10 unanswered phone calls and countless messages via text and whatsup - and all from Junmyeon. He has even left some on their sibling-only group that Sehun made for them when they still more or less got along and which has not been used since early 2014.

It alarms Joohyun immediately, because it has been radio silence all this while between them so if Junmyeon decided to swallow his pride to reach out first, it has to be important. Joohyun’s hands are shaking as she opens them one by one.

Next to her, Seungwan types furiously on her own phone, her dinner also completely forgotten.

_Where are you?_

_Joohyun, where are you? Call me now._

_This is all your fault, did you know about this_

_You’ve gone out? You’re not in your room_

_Call me!!!!_

More messages of this kind appear one by one as she scrolls down the feed. Junmyeon has even resorted to reviving the old family group, hoping to attract Sehun’s attention. Sehun’s response was negative, he had no idea where Joohyun was.

 _I beg you, call me back. They’re going to take seulgi away_ , is the newest and last of the desperate appeals that her twin left for her about 25 minutes before.

Joohyun stands up rapidly, ready to find a quiet place to contact her brother but a hand on her forearm stops her from leaving. Seungwan looks shell-shocked when she speaks.

‘Wait, something huge has happened. Chanyeol’s telling me that Seulgi Kang’s parents just arrived at school to take her back home and your brother is going crazy trying to stop them. They’re right at the front and it’s not even a scene – it’s like a whole bloody musical in there, they’re screaming their heads off. They say she’s pregnant?!’

Joohyun sits back down at the words, suddenly feeling dizzy.


	22. Nobody died in the end, but they might as well have

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone,  
> Thank you for your comments and support on ao3. I am continuing this story steadily - but unfortunately where I live right now, it is quite hard to update on ao3 because posting goes through google documents at some point and that is blocked. If you're interested in this story, I suggest following me on aff, same title and writer's name. Thank you and have a good day¬

On the contrary to the news that Chanyeol Park delivered, there is nothing going on the front yard when the two girls arrive. Joohyun, who during the taxi ride remained perfectly motionless and unresponsive, sprints out of the vehicle almost as soon as the driver stops at the gate, leaving Seungwan to take care of the fee. The older does not know where to even look first, having expected everyone to be exactly where she was told they would be – but her own steps naturally take her to the guest parking lot situated on the other side of the main administrative building. She is right. She stops some twenty feet away, taking in the scene in front of her.

Junmyeon is there, looking pale as sheet and making rapid, somewhat chaotic movements to fend off the old man who Joohyun, having spent countless days in her best friend’s house, immediately recognises as Mr. Kang. Unlike the last time Joohyun has seen her twin in a fight, this time the boy looks scared out of his mind but does not dare move away, making brave effort to shield the cowering Seulgi behind him.

‘-was the only thing I asked of you! To behave decently!’ Joohyun catches the last words. The man’s voice sounds rough, as if he has already had his fair share of screaming; he is nearly drawling now. ‘I was lenient on you, I let you meet this- this _boy,_ ’ Mr. Kang momentarily looks at Junmyeon, making it clear that he sees him as anything but human, let alone a suitable candidate for his daughter. ‘His family were supposed to be good Christians.’

Seulgi lets out a strangled sob, not knowing where to look and eventually hiding her face in her palms in shame. Joohyun looks around, belatedly realising that they have quite an audience – they initial crowd, if any, had already dispersed but there were more than just a few heads poking out of the windows of the male dormitory whose Southern wall faced the commotion.

On the other side at the far back, Chanyeol Park, Sehun and Zitao Huang do their best not to jump directly into the fire of the hopeless argument – and appearing to have been chastised for a similar action already, too.

Junmyeon just fists his hands, willing himself to remain respectful despite the circumstances.

‘I never once let you feel different because you weren’t the son your mother and I wanted. Even after we couldn’t have more children, I never said anything. The only thing I asked of you was to not bring shame to your hard-working parents and what do you do? You allow yourself to be pulled into the trap of this _devil_.’ When he finally spares Junmyeon a pointed glance, Joohyun’s twin stammers,

‘S-sir, I- Believe me, I-‘ He stops, unsure what it is that he actually needs to say, because nothing that he could possibly think of will convince Seulgi’s father of Junmyeon’s reliability. Probably rightfully so, he finally realises for he suddenly falls silent, eyes downcast. ‘I will take care of her,’ he eventually announces with as much determination as he can muster under the circumstances, but it nowhere near as convincing as he wishes it were. Mr. Kang’s gaze is ice cold.

‘You have done enough, don’t you think?’ Junmyeon flushes deep red at the comment, unable to counter it with his own. _Junmyeon has never been of the witty kind_ , Joohyun briefly thinks, feeling mostly pity at his earnest attitude.

Seungwan appears at Joohyun’s side right then, but the latter hardly notices as it coincides almost exactly with another appearance – Mrs. Kang emerges from around the corner, pulling a large suitcase behind her, along with a rucksack being carried on her fragile looking frame. Head mistress Evans keeps her company, looking in equal measures embarrassed and astounded. Mrs. Kang notices them and looks back at her daughter.

‘Your mother is ill, Seulgi,’ he emphasises. Seulgi peeks through her fingers in that direction, too ashamed to face her parents. ‘We came to this country to give you a better life. We both worked hard so you didn’t have to. She ruined her own health tending to your needs. You’re in this expensive school because of our sacrifice and this is how you repay us?’

‘Dohwan, please…’ Joohyun hears faint Korean.

Mrs. Kang joins them, looking beyond tired and eyes red. Joohyun’s Korean is very basic – her family are the fourth generation of the original emigrants from her mother’s side and so they are Asian in face and name only. She understand only a little, most of which has been taught to her by Seulgi who in her family is the first and only member born in the new country. Her parents decided to emigrate during the IMF crisis and never fully integrated, at least as far as their customs and language goes. Every time Joohyun visited Seulgi’s house, they would always communicate in their native language, switching to English only for the guest’s sake.

Looking at her mother, Seulgi begins to sob for real, once again hiding her face in shame and regret. Joohyun cannot stand it anymore. Junmyeon takes notice of his sister when she is a few feet away from their little gathering.

‘What is happening here?’ She goes straight for Seulgi, embracing her. Her best friend goes pliant in her arms, no longer paying attention to her surroundings. Joohyun turns her away from the hostility and instead takes it upon herself to reason with the father.

‘You are no better than your brother. Step away from my daughter, we’re taking her home.’ Mr. Kang’s voice is quiet but there is no mistaking the sternness in it.

‘Seulgi is like my own sister. I will not let her go before I know that you will not hurt her.’ It is a wrong thing to say, she realises immediately for the man takes a step forward, looking like he has been slapped.

‘Watch your mouth, little girl. I know, I heard from my daughter that you’ve abandoned God.’ Joohyun closes her eyes briefly, taking the verbal hit. ‘I know what kind of person you are so don’t you even dare imply that I would hurt my own daughter. ‘Your brother-’ He takes a deep breath to calm himself, before continuing. ‘Your brother was supposed to protect my child! He swore to me, he swore that he could be trusted and that he’d keep her safe and pure. He told me they’d both be close to God. But the moment I turn around he takes advantage of her and subjects her to his own hormonal urges? He used her and now she- Now she’s with child! And out of wedlock too!’

Joohyun has had some time to digest the information during the taxi ride, but hearing it from the man makes her mildly dizzy all the same. She tightens the embrace around Seulgi, almost involuntarily; the other girl can only cry on her shoulder.

Mrs. Kang chooses that moment to interject, communicating with her husband in rapid Korean. Joohyun doesn’t understand anything – catching words of _home_ , _Seulgi_ , _go_ and _stop_ thrown somewhere in there – but it does not take a language expert to figure out the intention. Seulgi’s mother is tired and upset, and wants to hurry up and take their only child home.

Junmyeon, who Joohyun guesses has been somewhat more diligent in his studies of Korean, at some point probably wanting to win Mr. Kang’s favour, seems to understand more. He replies in English, voice still shaking,

‘I will marry her. Right now if I have to. I beg of you, don’t take her away. I love her so much, I-’

Mr. Kang gives him one cool look before saying, ‘You don’t have the right to beg for anything.’ To his daughter, he says in Korean, _‘Seulgi, we’re going home_.’ The message is clear enough for everyone, even the head mistress to understand.

‘You don’t have to go if you don’t feel safe,’ Joohyun mutters into her best friend’s ear, but Seulgi disentangles herself from the other’s arms and only shakes her head numbly. She follows her mother into the car, where she is once again stopped by Junmyeon, who runs up to her, trying to persuade her one last time. He receives a similar to Joohyun’s response and then the girl gets in, looking away dejectedly. Both twins can only stare in anguish as Seulgi’s father curtly settles the issue with the head mistress, promising to call the school in the next few days to withdraw the girl’s records.

Then he follows his family into the vehicle and the white Toyota soon disappears behind the gate. They stand in silence for a moment or two, before the head mistress observes,

‘It’s getting late. I trust that you all can find your rooms. Hurry up, please.’ With that, she leaves in the direction of her own office.

But sleep is the last thing on everyone’s mind, though, for the moment the woman is out of earshot Junmyeon turns around, looking straight at his sister. He mumbles a few incoherent words, as if still uncertain what he just witnessed. He’s pale, looking unnaturally tranquil but his hands are shaking.

‘They took her away.’ When Joohyun does not respond, he takes a step closer, pressing. ‘Why did you let them take her?’

Somewhat surprised by the accusation, his sister swallows the painful lump forming in her throat before forming a suitable reply, her own mind blank.

‘They… They’re her family. She needed to go with them, you know what her father would do had she not. Let them come to terms with this, they can’t-‘

‘You told me it was ok.’ He interrupts again and Joohyun pauses, not quite grasping the meaning of his words at first.

‘Huh?’

‘I asked you and you told me that it was fine. That God allowed me to affirm my love for her. I’d wanted to break up with her because it didn’t feel right, but you persuaded me otherwise.’ Junmyeon grabs his twin’s arm, squeezing it tightly in hopelessness, while the latter only stares, expression of utter disbelief on her face.

‘I don’t understand what you mean. When did I ever tell you to-‘ Then it down on her; she did in fact give this disastrous advice, if it could even be interpreted as such. Junmyeon was not clear enough in his confusion and Joohyun was too preoccupied with Sehun, Seungwan Son and her own midterm problems. He’s been talking about sex all along; she’s thought he was merely shy in expressing his affection for Seulgi.

‘Dude, you should really let Joohyun go,’ Seungwan Son appears next to her friend, trying to loosen the grip that Junmyeon has on her, but Joohyun herself barely acknowledges the rest of the little group forming around them.

‘I didn’t mean for this to happen, I didn’t know! How can you possibly suspect my intention towards you and-‘

‘I don’t know you at all! Who are you? You led me into this temptation and then you played with my feelings by sending me those filthy emails..?’ He begins shaking her arm mindlessly, getting more agitated by the second.

‘Junmyeon, wait-‘ The assault ends abruptly, sending the boy to the ground.

‘Didn’t you hear Seungwan telling you to stop shaking Bae?’ It is Chanyeol Park who pushes the other down, looking at him angrily. ‘And _I_ sent you those messages.’

Despite the varying degrees of comprehension of the statement, everyone momentarily halts their actions, looking at the tallest boy. Junmyeon’s jaw falls open, stunned.

‘You? Why’d you… How…?’

‘You’re a bloody moron, that’s why. You were literally dicking Kang in the classroom where anyone could find you - guess what, somebody did. And I’ve bloody enjoyed every second of watching you squirm.’

‘You…You… Don’t touch me!’ Junmyeon’s attention is stolen away in the worst way possible – by Yixing Zhang who attempts to help him up and gets pushed away in the process. Joohyun does not know when the latter entered the scene but what is done, is done. He looks hurt, but his former best friend’s feelings seem to be the last thing on Junmyeon’s mind as he drawls at Chanyeol.

‘What did I ever do to you, Park? Why don’t you just leave me alone?’

‘Like you left Sehun and Yixing alone? I’m not one for violence but I wouldn’t mind socking you a punch or two, I wouldn’t bloody mind at all.’

‘You little-‘

‘You’ve brought this upon yourself, you religious hypocrite, so don’t you raise your voice at me. Should’ve blown your wad alone instead of boning your girlfriend. Not my fault you can’t keep it in your pants-‘ It is Chanyeol’s turn to earn a hit to the face and he stumbles backwards, barely keeping balance.

‘What bloody idiots,’ Joohyun hears Seungwan mumble, before she walks up to Chanyeol, fruitlessly attempting to block his path. Zitao Huang seem to have had enough of this as well because he steps in between the two, making a point to look at each and non- verbally letting them know just how little he thinks of their intelligence.

‘This unwarranted display of insecure masculinity has been wonderful but I think it’s high time we all went back to the dorm. I don’t understand what’s going on at all and I don’t like you, Junmyeon, but I’m fully inclined to believe that whatever it is that you accuse Chanyeol of doing, he’s done it and it was royally fucked up. He’s always been insane when it comes to standing up to his friends. Now-!’ He raises his voice, successfully overtaking Chanyeol’s outraged _hey_! ‘You, stop blaming your poor sister for sticking your dick where it wasn’t welcome and knocking that poor gal up. Next time, be safe and use rubber, all right? Better yet, fucking be a man and take responsibility for your own mistakes or once.’

Junmyeon barely hears the long tirade, though, keeping his eyes on Chanyeol and then turning to Joohyun and Sehun, who’s in the meantime took a stand behind his sister but otherwise hardly reacted.

‘This isn’t over,’ he eventually says, sounding both hurt and enraged at the same time. ‘You two,’ he points at his siblings. ‘This isn’t over. Whatever we agreed on, I don’t care anymore. The father will know about this… All of this.’ He makes a vague gesture in the air but the message is clear. Sehun immediately pales.

‘I-I’ll tell the school who beat Yixing up.’ The stammer gets in the way of the threat being remotely believable. Junmyeon sends him a prolonged look before approaching him in three long strides and meeting his younger brother face to face.

‘I love Seulgi. Whatever happens, we will marry, have a child and be forgiven. We’ll have a good Christian family because God forgives those that repent for their sins. So you can tell the school all you want, but you and I are done. You disgust me, Sehun, you and your relationship with him.’ He points in Yixing’s direction, not even sparing a look. ‘You are not my brother anymore. Think about that when you rot in hell.’

Sehun’s lower lip quivers, unable to take such a direct insult calmly. He takes a deep breath, trying to not let the feelings of despair and anxiety get the best of him.

But Chanyeol Park is not having any of it. He screams in anger, trying to overcome Zitao standing right in front of him and keeping him away, but before he can get to Junmyeon, someone else does.

Joohyun, who has stood by Sehun’s side during the exchange, raises her left palm and slaps Junmyeon – once, but hard and effectively – into silence. His hand shoots up to his mouth in disbelief, drawing blood from the split lip; the sharp edge of the purity ring on her finger must have caught on.

‘No,’ she says. ‘ _You_ are not our brother anymore.’

Then she stalks off, in haste to find solace before she falls apart.

 

 

 

Seulgi’s side of the bedroom has been cleaned out, save for the bed sheets. It feels surreal; the two have shared this very room for more than six years. Gone are the two photographs of them and of Seulgi’s family always standing at her friend’s desk; gone are the green pillows so nicely fitting in with the violet theme running in Joohyun’s part of the room. No more notebooks with silly poetry written by Seulgi herself and no more books with French conjugations piling up next to the chair. Even the big poster of a puppy winking – a gift from Joohyun for Seulgi’s 16th birthday - is gone from above the bed.

Joohyun feels indescribable pain in her heart.

There is a light knock on her door and Joohyun clears her throat before asking the newcomer in. She expected Seungwan to appear at some point and the latter did not disappoint. She gave Joohyun just enough time to shower and calm down – as much as she could, anyway. The younger opens the door, timidly poking her head into the room and assessing the situation at hand. The smile Joohyun sends her is hollow, but it is a smile nonetheless. At Seungwan’s questioning gaze, she nods once for encouragement.

‘Fancy watching a film with me?’ The singer points to the laptop under her arm. ‘And some hot milk tea?’ She carries two plastic bottles in the other hand.

‘We have school tomorrow…’ Joohyun responds, but is already making space next to herself on the bed. She understands and appreciates the gift of distraction that Seungwan is offering.

Soon _Saving Face_ is playing on the screen and the two are watching it silently, getting comfortable among Joohyun’s pillows and blankets. Joohyun’s head soon falls on Seungwan’s shoulder, finding it harder and harder to keep straight. Confrontations have always drained her emotionally.

‘Why do you think Wilhelmina finally allowed herself to overcome her fear and be happy with Victoria?’ The question slips out without meaning to. Joohyun vaguely remembers that Victoria’s name is actually not Victoria but for the life of her, she cannot gather enough wits to ponder the issue further.

Seungwan shrugs delicately, so as not to disturb the other.

‘Like every lesbian ever, she was eventually met with a choice. You either close yourself off and die alone – though never giving society the satisfaction, if you know what I mean,’ she adds humorously, to which Joohyun scoffs, immediately laughing afterwards. ‘Or, you chase the one you love, you get them if you’re lucky and then the two of you fight the world as a team. Wil chose to be part of a team. Being in a team sounds really good, if you ask me,’ she hums, looking at the two protagonists getting to know each other in Wil’s apartment.

‘Yeah?’ Joohyun looks up, curious of Seungwan’s reaction. The other looks back down, an indulgent smile on her lips.

‘Yeah.’ She affirms.

They look at each other for a longer moment, their faces only centimetres away and sharing a private joke that Joohyun is not sure even is one. But it feels good, to be whatever on Earth Joohyun has become lately, be comfortable about it and be accepted for it. The older girl does not remember the last time when she could say anything that was on her mind and not receive a scolding or a bewildered look for it. She needs such intimacy now, when it feels like the whole world is against her.

She eventually looks down, unable to take the tension. Still blushing deeply, he turns her attention back to the narrative.

‘Are you all right?’ Seungwan asks, linking their arms and intertwining their fingers, giving them a light squeeze.

‘I don’t know,’ Joohyun responds truthfully. She really does not. ‘I did know this would happen, though, sooner or later. When I decided to change and accept Sehun, I knew it was just a matter of time before Junmyeon would snap for this or that reason.’

‘I knew about Seulgi and Junmyeon having sex,’ Seungwan admits in a tiny voice, albeit hesitantly. ‘Through Chanyeol.’

‘I guess I should not be surprised. I understand your friend’s motivation, but I don’t think taunting anyone would be worth it. I suppose I led Junmyeon into believing that it was fine to approach Seulgi like that. I didn’t understand when he confessed to me he liked her _too much_. It would have never crossed the mind of the old me that he could experience physical temptation of this kind. Back then, I was only focused on the spirit and making sure our souls didn’t end up in the place of eternal suffering.’

‘And now…?’

‘Now it’s probably too late.’ She lets out a small, sad looking smile.

‘Is that what you really think? You still believe that Sehun will go to hell?’ Seungwan strengthens up and Joohyun sits back up as well, facing her. It is clear that what Seungwan really means is, Do you think _I_ will go to hell?

She takes a moment to answer the question.

‘I’m beginning to think it’s more complicated than that. All my life, I’d been told that those who question the faith are not true believers but are merely looking for an easy way out to fit their sins into the narrative of the church. But Sehun is a good person; there is no way that he isn’t a good person. He has never done any harm to anyone. I think… I think I can no longer believe in the same principles as I did before. I can no longer differentiate between the right and wrong kinds of love. Our church never opens our eyes to the beauty of those, they only ever quote the one right way. Everything seems so black and white and I’m beginning to see a lot of grey in between. So these days, I just pray that God gives me a sign. A sign that what I’m leaning towards is not merely selfish justification of my own sins and desires, but a premise to draw strength and encouragement from.’ She sighs sadly, before looking at Seungwan again. ‘Please don’t think I’m a bad person. Just… give me some time.’

‘I could never think that of you, you know that.’ The younger squeezes her hand one more time for emphasis.

Seeing Seungwan so earnest, Joohyun cannot help but go back to her conversation with Chanyeol Park. _Don’t fucking lead her on_ , he said right then, sitting on the floor and a can of beer in between his fingers. _She likes you so much, she’s bloody nuts over you, in case you haven’t noticed. You don’t have to be gay for her, but if you’re going to be her friend, treat her right._

Joohyun cannot afford to ponder that comment when she is sitting on the bed with the other, holding hands and smiling at each other. All she knows is that two months ago, she would have laughed and taken Seungwan’s flirting as a cruel joke. Right now…

It is better not to thinking about the right now.

‘You and Chanyeol seem to be getting along well. Why did I not get the memo?’ Seungwan steers the conversation in another, more light hearted direction and the older is thankful for that.

‘You could say we just… bonded, one day.’ She decides to leave the thought open ended.

‘He’s had a rough patch lately, I was getting worried. We fell out over… stuff,’ she tactfully omits the parts that could put Joohyun in an awkward position. ‘Then he just withdrew and I felt he was avoiding me. Turns out there was something weird going on with Baekhyun Byun. He didn’t tell me much, though. I guess he had to work through that alone.’ The singer admits, taking a sip of her milk tea, already ready to move on and let go of the issue.

Joohyun nearly snorts, because _boy_ , if Seungwan thinks that the problem has already been worked through then she has another thing coming. The will to ridicule leaves her soon enough, for she realises that if Seungwan’s description of her knowledge is indeed accurate, then Joohyun, might be in fact the only keeper of the secret that Chanyeol Park so thoughtlessly spilled that evening while mildly drunk.

And Joohyun Bae suddenly feels that she needs a drink herself.


End file.
